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I love the woman I’m becoming.
I don’t really have fears within myself.
All the fears that exist in me are not mine.
They are fears that other people made me believe were mine.
So now I have to destroy those fears,
because I only want to be responsible for the things I truly own in this world.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I used to ALWAYS fear starting over. ???? It felt like it was a sign of weakness. That it was another example of a failed attempt. That it was proof that I couldn't commit to something and I was destined to be stuck. But what I didn't realize was that it was this type of mindset (**of fearing commitment & being a perfectionist) that was ACTUALLY holding me back from seeing continued progress. I didn't need to be perfect to progress. I just had to be continually learning and growing because every failed attempt along the way was actually a lesson. And there really was NO final destination (especially when it comes to finally living the life I’ve always wanted). There is only continued learning, practice, and lessons that shape us along the way. Do you agree? ???????? . . . . . #startingover #followyourdreams #thisisforme #thisis40 #thisis40something #blackgirlmagic #blackwoman #blackwomendoworkout #blackwomenbloggers #bossbabe #blackmoms #blackwellness #workout #eatclean #vegan #blackvegan #hbcugrad #pvamu #blackwivesmatter #boymom #marriedlife #yourtimeisnow #makeitcount #blackbeauty #blackbarbie #hairstyles #blackinfluencers #htx #htxblogger #htxinfluencer https://www.instagram.com/p/Cb8WP4uOw4B/?utm_medium=tumblr
AUTORRETRATO
spanish tastes so sweet that it stings. music sounds so good that it makes me want to leave everything and run barefoot on wet pavement and not care where i end up.
both of these things feel like so much because i do not get enough of them. i do not ALLOW MYSELF these tastes. nnnnnnno tassssste
I ALLOW MYSELF NOTHING. I GIVE MYSELF NOTHING.
IT’S OKAY WHEN THINGS I DONT LIKE HAPPEN IT’S OKAY WHEN I DO THINGS TO MYSELF THAT I DONT LIKE
IT WAS ALL AN EXPERIMENT
IT WAS ALL AN EXPERIMENT
a grand one.
new experiment: i am scattered. i am what remains.
i do what i want. i exist in the present. there is no future. there is no planning. there is JUST NOW. THERE IS ONLY NOW.
everything else is always okay. that is faith. that is how things move.
that is the point.
i am not allowing myself any more NOs in the present for any YESs in the future.
i feel so free around creation. i am creation. i must create. OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT MATTER. I AM SCREAMING THIS TO MYSELF. NO ONE MATTERS. IT IS JUST ME IT IS FOR MYSELF IT IS I.
this space is not intended for anyone but myself. there is no grand, unfulfillable vat of a fantasy - fantasy of being understood, fantasy of being found. this disgusting fantasy for validation and confirmation and comorbidity. NONE of that. this space. is for NONE of that.
As time goes on it is getting easier to forget you. I’ll go days without thinking of your name or a memory we had together. Then one day you’ll randomly pop into my brain and I’ll think of how you made me feel in the moment. I think for me it’s easier to think of the good instead of the bad. I know the bad was a lot of the ending but for me you changed my life in a way that no one else has. You broke my heart and I lost myself but yet your memories still bring me joy because of the lessons I learned from them. I value time we spent together. I found out what I want in a relationship, the values and standards that I want and you taught me how to love myself when you left. Being alone is lonely but sometimes alone is what you need to find you. Thankful for this self discovery. I can’t wait for what’s next. Healing is messy.
More photo fun #rainy #rainyday #justme💋 #thepowerwithin #thisisforme (at Freeport, Ohio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRMw48iBLoP/?utm_medium=tumblr
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
"who are you trying to impress?" .... Noone I trying match my inner soul... #justme💋 #innersoul #thisisforme (at Freeport, Ohio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQD9fv7hV6Q/?utm_medium=tumblr
9 months ago I didn’t even think that I would make it out of this. I wanted someone to love me when in all reality I didn’t love myself. So I immediately put myself into therapy. Let’s me honest, I played the pity party the first month or so and then after that it just clicked. I let myself feel things instead of numbing myself into just existing. I think the turning point was going to Colorado after a bad emotional breakdown. After that I rolled with life and found reasons to be happy. Let’s be real nothing has been short of perfect but with every hard thing that has come my way I have found 10000 other reasons to smile. I still have my bad days but doesn’t everyone?
I’ve traveled to Colorado Springs, CO… Nashville, TN… Boone, NC and in a couple weeks Florida. I have found my love for singing again, I have reconnected with friends and made so many new, I have dated around and got my heart hurt again, I got a new dog, I started taking care of myself and have finally found healthy coping mechanisms for myself. Journaling, sining, going on hikes and doing things by myself. I found that being alone is easy now and I prefer it. This was not easy… this healing process is not over but damn guys…. I did it.
I want to be open and honest about this because I don’t shy away from what happened. This all happened for a reason and the lessons I have learned are life changing.
Life is hard and it will kick you in the ass if you let it. But, this is your life. You are in the drivers seat. Live the life you want and don’t care if anyone judges you for it. Live an unapologetic life, do what makes you happy and be you always.
I got told I was crazy and that I couldn’t be alone and those were both true statements for 9 months ago. But if she could see who I really was now it would be a different story. Tbh I was toxic. I did keep her from people and things she loved out of not trusting her. Out of me not being confident in myself. I hated life but I was numbing myself into existence and the thought that she could love me one day. When she was incapable of loving me and I was incapable of loving myself then. She left and I took it as her breaking up with me all over again because in my mind that’s what it felt like. I lost a life I had been living for 5 years, maybe it wasn’t a happy life but it was the only life I knew for myself. I pulled myself out of it and never stopped fighting. I guess I always told myself that I wouldn’t try and take my own life again because it wasn’t something I would not want to put anyone through. So I fought the demons in my head and took myself to therapy. I asked to speak to them 2 times a week and to get myself into a psychiatrist to get on my meds. I never stopped fighting for myself. I have slowly started to find out what I like, what I dislike, how to love myself and how to feel confident in myself again. I learned that I am capable of liking someone else and getting my heart broken again only to bounce back and see where I need to work on things some more. I have continued to go to school and finally figured out what I want to do. I have just started for the first time in my WHOLE life learned how to be happy and at peace with myself.
I guess these past two weeks have really given me a lot of closure. I have talked to the girl who I talked to right after L and gotten my closure from her. I even said sorry for my mistakes with that. I got this nasty text from L and she said mostly true things that I can’t take back but all things I’ve already recognized and am working on. I wasn’t even mad and for the first time ever I didn’t want to fight for her to see things my way or to even understand me because she never will. She is so opposite from me that she will never see my point of view on things. I loved her and she didn’t love me and that’s okay. I now can love myself. I feel at peace. I feel okay. I feel like I can finally move forward and allow my heart to open up to someone new. I am no where near perfect. I don’t ever want to be. I just want to be me unapologetically. I am doing a damn good job at that right now. Setting boundaries is easy, being free is fun and living my life for me is rewarding. I am no where near done healing but damn I feel great.
I’m tired. Mental health is slipping. I feel like I’m doing all the wrong things. I’m just tired.
