#blackbarbie

1 ⸝⸝⸝ never feeling butterflies around guys you “like,,

this one is an obvious one, but i never felt butterflies around boys that i was “interested in”. even when they were my boyfriend or we’d do something that other people would’ve had butterflies from. (ie: kissing, making out, flirting)

2 ⸝⸝⸝ stuck daydreaming about men but when the scenarios played out in real time, you’d feel the ick / grossed out

i remember that i’d daydream about having the perfect relationship with a man— him yearning, being obsessed over me, openly loving me.— but when i would get a boyfriend who genuinely liked me and being around me… one kiss would make my stomach flip. when they would call me pet names, i couldn’t help but feel icked out. “ohhh maybe i just don’t like nicknames!” i told myself. but everytime i imagined a woman calling me the same nicknames, i would smile.

3 ⸝⸝⸝ only ever drawing girls / lesbians

okay so this is a little thing i only just realized but even though i could draw men, i actively chose to draw lesbian relationships or women in general. my favorite excuse was “well women are hot, but men are… really hard to draw attractive.” girl please 😭 you like cooter

4 ⸝⸝⸝ liking really feminine guys / dudes with long hair

i used this as the reason i couldn’t possibly be a lesbian! for years and years and years. i was attracted to those metalhead guys with the hair down to their tailbone who wore gauged earrings and bracelets. hell i found it even more attractive when they’d wear feminine clothes. (i was a victim of the femboy trend in 2021. BAD.) when one spoke to me i’d ramble on and on to my friends how cute he was. but if he talked to me? oh boy id be icked out of my MIND.

5 ⸝⸝⸝ fictional or unattainable men was my fallback to telling myself i did actually like men.

ohhhh my ghoul. if i had a penny for the amount of times that i told myself i couldn’t be a lesbian because “logan lerman is so fine” or “aaron taylor johnson has been my man since kickass” i would have enough money to rival bill gates. i was attracted to their looks so i could possibly only like women! well, until i sat there and asked myself what exactly i found attractive on them. i found that i liked them when they were younger— before the beards and mustaches. i liked the long hair or the whiny voices. i liked the version of them that existed inside of my head, not the actual person. i told myself that i liked so many boys from many different pieces of media. but it wasn’t them i’d liked, it was the idea of a boy who could act so feminine. it was the idea that if a boy who existed in fanfiction was right infront of me, i’d want to be with him.

that’s all guys! i literally can’t think of anything else but here’s a video that helped me realize it too.