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@voidformation
I dunno this is a spot but itās got to be new, itās got to be right to now

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whatās been going on here
i feel so much that i should move. that i should take advantage of the world. when you are young and before you are consumed by the world you construct with your children and all that --
already my thoughts have drifted to mending more relationships. playing into how preset people are. i think i am right on this one, again it is an urge, ishvari's icchaa. i will answer, i will just be open to it.
--, you are pointed outwards. you want to go to see the other people and do the other things. you want whirlwinds. before i wanted to stay put, i wanted to stay certain, i wanted to lock in my security. i wanted to catapult myself into the lifestyle of the settled. i didnt want to accept my age and my circumstance. moreover i felt that i could justify it if i could find the other piece, the other person, with whom a coupling could construct the inner world that i live in now - whom could justify the creation of it that i have already begun.
this is all about appa. who knows where i would pick up and move off to. whatever impetus i would have. ive never in my life been focused on having friends. just for little bits here and there but never when it mattered. i sat alone in my small, expensive uptown dallas apartment. i didnt go out and meet people in real life. i live in my phone so much. i sit on my phone and i swipe, or i watch people from afar, each moment the distance growing between myself and real life. real life is real action. it is not constructs forever. i abandon appa and i dont know what goes on. i assume he keeps moving in his ways. his cooking is carved out of him, his walks out, his trips and things he does for me. i worry so much. i try to think this is not my burden but before i even finish that sentence i know that it is. i know that i need to figure out things for the both of us. and i know that other people do not do this but i need to stop thinking about that.
i realized also that i lack confidence. i send messages and worry. i think about things as a reflection of myself when they are just going out into the void. i think about how others will react to the serially more than is acceptable confessionals i think and speak in.
a small solution i think about now is cleaning up my social media profiles. making some small tiktok videos - who knows my niche - where i talk about things and am a real person, putting outward and not just gathering inward. having a normal twitter and maybe instagram - one where i know how to frame and put out what i am thinking and what i am reading. having my own person and letting the internet supplement me, rather than the other way around.
i think this is a good intermediate step before i become obsessed with moving to a city, performing gymnastics for an abandonment that wouldn't happen the way i keep thinking it might. preparing myself to be in a mental place where i can actually go out into the world and receive it as it is always reaching out to me with tentacles. entering when i am ready. life is so long. it is so long and there is time for so many things. there is NO rush. there is careful building up every day. there is careful enjoyment in this real moment, this now.
i will work on not being on the internet - and when i am, i will give to it so that it will become one of my limbs reaching outward, radiantly -- not a crutch for my brokenness. i will clean up the internets i do have, so that they can be spaces for specific parts of myself - i will keep the rest closed off, where it can be gently nurtured until it is ready to have any parts of it that stick out. appa and i will look for a house for him here - the good texas weather, the taxlessness, the temples, the indianess. this is a good home base place.
after i clean up my social media as my first step, i will set personal guidelines for how i can use it. and i will figure out how to not use it clumsily or desperately. i will perform my activities, learn my things, do my stuff - AS MYSELF, FOR MYSELF - and put out into the world what i am being.
reasons why i feel so good rn:
temple on friday with all the kala sarpa energy, not getting on my phone in the morning, sleeping with two pillows at an angle that maintains neck alignment, leaving my phone and forgetting about it, saturday morning 30 min stretching first thing, not going out or anywhere that expends my energy, writing things by hand, having an exciting idea of things i want to do with my time, being excited about organizing my time, having virtual social interaction that filled up my desire for socializing way more than social media ever could, wanting to create things myself, writing long from vomit journal entries myself, the virus going in me and making me feel awful, doing productive things with my time like learning a bhajan (surprise surprise momentum and good habits being built on the success of other good habits), probably breathing better, reading a bunch (more of the more of more momentum), walk after eating, face lymphatic drainage massage, following reading impulses, not feeling attached to anyone or wanting anything
sitting in the corner of my bed that lets me have the sun in my face. i have to turn my head and poke it in a weird direction and of course i close my eyes and smile, it's so nice. wearing long warm socks that are neon green. with ideas of what to learn and what to do with my time. listening to acharya ji. sitting upright.

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fell a bit back in love last night with self-improvement. with learning to be some exlempary human.
Wake up and just paralyzed by random thoughts. My own disappointments. But I figure it out - to breathe slowly, to fix things in the now, to realize my problems are not really that bad, to just sleep a bit more.
For all these disappointments: wasting time on my phone not having friends not moving around not pursuing my passion (thatās all pretty much it)
Thereās an easy solution. The solution is inside me. The solution moreover is already known to me. These are wonderful places to be.
instead of always searching for what i can read to fix me, what content i can consume to make me feel better and to teach me. i am going to create that myself. this morning i thought about if i wrote something, i would only write what is absolutely really there. no tale no elsewhere. everything can be spun from myself only. i read some data analysis earlier - nothing fancy, just simple stuff about people which doesnt even matter, and i thought how fun that would be. i think how fun it would be to see how i spend my time. how fun it will be to say ive read such and such and this is what i learn and this is how i think now. i fantasize about the ending and the completeness. i fantasize about what i will be done with even before i have started. i find the act of doing sexy and the act of being done the climax. i want everyone to see this final product, something polished, i want to set it on a shelf and be done and people can look at it. hell they can even pick it up! and when they look at it they will see me for what i am. for what i am is what my minutes are composed of. but what does this make me when my minutes are composed of looking at other people? of scrolling up and down to see them in my little glass case? like they are my dolls and i have them now! i would be knee deep in other peoples brains and worlds if i hadn't gotten on tiktok this morning, for just a few minutes (itās always just a few minutes) and accidentally hit the top so my feed refreshed and she told me to get off. she told me to get off and live real life so i did. i fell at peace (not felt, fell) yesterday when the sun set at five thirty and we came back from walking two and a half miles in the manmade loop park at a wonderful pace, a pace we kept to keep warm. i thought yes this is correct, this space and this pace, this darkness and this quiet, all that this contains. this is texas and it is right. and i was comforted reading some random tech manās friends all wanting to move to rural texas or rural colorado and start their own communities in the next few years. it made me remember my thesis. my thesis is that the cities have nothing and they make you be a robot a machine an automaton. they say you have to be stuck in this small space and you much march this way and sometimes you can escape but only if you keep coming back. people pair up and eventually this leads their worlds to expand, they realize that there is more to the world than their several square feet and in fact they can expand into the nice compartment of a house and a family. but why wait for all that movement. i think about how i am an anomaly now (usually this comes with the thought that i am an anomaly looking for just one other anomaly, one other weird creature who is like me because two is for whom the world is built and for whom the world they can build thatās who). my thesis is that i came out here and thatās it. i wanted it and so here i am. i was done with all that. i wanted to save money (now i dont know what i am saving all this money for, i want to spend it, i want to see it gone. no i dont but i dont want it just piling up. im here and because i am here it should be here too). but now i realize that i am an anomaly means i should ask myself what other people are doing? they are in the cities, and itās true they were only there at 22 not 18 but now that they are there they are mingling with their peers. i mean our peers. and they are engaging in stupid acts like partying and contracting themselves over and over again. but this is the ritual of pairing. this is really what they are up to! i didnt understand it until now. i didnt get why parents dont care what their daughters do, their daughters know that itās because they need to go looking for their pair. i am grateful i didnt learn this until recently, and i am grateful that i was not raised this way. i thought i would raise my daughters this way but i realize that itās nothing compared to the true freedom of doing and acting. what composes your minutes is who you are and if all that time is spent preening and searching, for how you appear and who you want to find with that appearance, it might be in your nature as a woman but that is just because it is a mother (ha ha another ) part of the pain that is built in. thereās so much already and thereās no use of giving more. anyway all this comes to say i realized last night suddenly stepping in the dark of this apartment rounding the corner pacing that just a few months ago i was so glad to have all this space in the apartment. i was so glad that i could pace around. but now i think about how should i be in la or nyc or sf. where will i find my flock, rather where will i find my mate with whom we will create our own flock (that is what animals do and animals want and humans are the same here, we are really the same everywhere else too). the gratitude i had left and this is where i realized the treadmill (treatmill hahaha). no there is no reason to wish to be elsewhere. and i will continue as myself and in ways that i am whole. what is this overwhelming rush for other and rather? no value in this. i like to learn and see and read. i think more than anything i felt that my body would age and make pregnancy difficult. so what? children come in thousands of different ways. in fact that is easy to come by, what is hard is this aloneness. this space to be myself, to build to see to think. to go through these thoughts in silence in the dark walking in the field with your father. these are the things that are memories forever and hard to come by. nothing else is what i want. i only wish to keep thinking and learning. to keep parts of myself private. to put only what is polished out there, because otherwise it is a mess and otherwise i do not let it grow. once someone else sees something, it transforms. it jumps out of your arms and even when you take it back and cradle it it feels different. shapes you can't recall it weights the same but the distribution is something else and it feels so...off. thatās not what i am here for. on tiktok and everywhere on the internet what i admire is when people have their own entire universes. they just share it with you. then theyāre off. thereās not them looking for themselves. thatās private! you log on, say the bit you composed offline, you get offline and compose more and more. i know this obsession with creation seems unnatural if i were to read this in a different light different mood, but it isn't hear me out every act everything ever is only creation (creation means destruction dont worry ive considered that too)
here are the rules> no irony, no perversion, no publicity, no half-done, no searching for yourself, no wishing for something else, no wanting to be whole (other than in the way of anava mala)Ā
heart likes to run. heart likes to spirit and jump way ahead of brain. heart likes to run far away from brain. heart likes to talk to brain. talk down to brain. heart is looking to be full. heart wants to jump and tumble and run and chase and get bruised and laugh. ha ha ha brain you donāt know anything! heart is having a ride.
think about what lovely fun heart is having. how much fun heart is having! rasa :)
shurpanakha wanted a husband. she was wrong to pursue rama after hearing that he is faithful to his wife. she was okay to pursue rama. when did she become vengeful, before or after being rejected by lakshmana? it was after - that is when she returned, to attack sita. she could not go after the men she wanted, so went after what blocked her from them. we donāt hurt who hurt us, but we hurt them where they will hurt the most. but then she herself is hurt by lakshmana, to save sita - but why not rama? and this is when she returns to tell ravana about sita. she is the link for the karma to be carried out. sita is the link for ravanaās karma to be carried out. they are both somewhat literary tools and in that way their complex womanhood and personhood is not entertained. sita too wanted her husband, and she will do anything for him. how are shurpanakha and sita alike? they are both hurt and they are both almost pawns. does ravana respect his sister to avenge her through sita, or does he just want sita for himself? are ram and lakshman not punishing for harming her, the way that ravana is pushing for harming sita? the degrees of harm are different. but sita was passive and not active.

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how i spend myĀ time (taking back my time for my self, from myself)
how i spend my time right now is not great. i spend a lot of time on social media. mostly i am looking at other peoples lives and what they are doing and thinking.Ā
this is not smart - i am overloading my brain with information, these snippets are not real life and real relationships. i am scattered from seeing segments in a little rectangle.Ā
what i want is depth of thoughts and real experience. i want to enjoy the world and know the truth. the best way to do this first thing is to not waste any moments - dive deep, read and see and think a lot, talk to people and talk with people. the best way to do this second thing is to practice.
-
free timeĀ
out of house
physical: walk, catch, basketball
social: hang out
spiritual: visit temple
chores: buy groceriesĀ
in houseĀ
mental: read non-fiction (related to interests or career)
physical: dance to music, stretch,Ā exerciseĀ
social: facetime, text
spiritual: practice chant or shlok or bhajan, learn chanting, read hindu texts, make shaktism postsĀ
creative: read fiction, draw, play keyboard, sew
chores: cut vegetables, vacuum
personal: make social media posts, journal
IM TIRED OF BEING WITHOUT MY FIERCE DIRECTION
Devī answered this so damn swiftly
if i want* to stop doing something, I can just stop
* if i really really want
IM TIRED OF BEING WITHOUT MY FIERCE DIRECTION
things i wish iād understood:
i wish iād understood that people donāt live in big cities for fun- they live in big cities to find someone to marry and leave the big city with
i wish iād understood that people make friends to meet friends of friends. people put up with other people and give them things so they can get something from that person
i wish iād understood that women are mostly not looking for elite careers, but are looking to build networks to find a husband in a high-powered career
i wish iād understood that men donāt care if women arenāt wearing makeup
i wish iād understood that people learn things to seem smart in conversation

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my heart hurts and my heart is heavy. itās as simple as what i wanted to be, cannot be. it is the culmination of seven months of possibility. it has caved yet it has sprung up again. it is watered by my tears.Ā
all the cycles of talking and explaining, worn out. all the miles i tried to bridge alone, walked together. all the things i wanted to say to support myself to someone, who, in the end, understands. all the pain i thought i would inflict, just stabbing back.Ā
we are a boomerang and we are bound.Ā
when you open the fridge and take out the food, the outside is hard. it is ugly and you peel it back. inside it is soft and fresh, full of juice and still power. that is your reward.
my wound is fresh and it had scabbed. i protected it from everyone so it could heal. but now i see the scar and i know it will never leave.
he has so much maturity. he has so much capacity. he has love. he loves me. yet it just cannot be enough. there is too much of pain and too much crosshatching to connect.Ā
i have the capacity to hold so much pain. the unbearable weight of a present mother who was not motherly, who hated me, for whom i was a pawn, both the hole she never got to fill in her own life and the hole she created in mine because of the hole i created in hers. the evisceration of being disconnected from my sister for six-and-a-half years. i have wounds so deep. pain from people is not new to me. pain is most of what i have known in life. pain is familiar and in fact it is beautiful.
for this is what devi has given us - the deepest bond, meant not to be broken, broken indeed by distance of our bodies and distance of our minds.Ā
you cannot have what you love.
we are kept from what we want.
i never understood songs, i never understood movies, i never understood stories. i never had to face this kind of pain - this present pain, this self-inflicted injury. the poetry of being so alone from the love you want to have. the heartbreak of society. the gut-wrenching presence of what is there in front of you, not what could be. the throes they sing about: love that is but that cannot be.Ā
the passion balances me. i am airy wind, i am just floating. i put out the fires. i do not allow myself the burning, burning flame of desire.
i blew out the candle but we both held it in our hands. the wax never cooled but stayed hot between our hands. we burned each other. the candle was disappearing too fast. now we hold each other - but it is so cold out here.Ā
i canāt say it as eloquently as surya put it. he is mature and he is real. he is there. he just isnāt here.Ā
it is good to revisit the pain. it is good to remember why i know this cannot be. because right now i am forgetting it. i feel the wax hardening but i forget the end of the candlestick - what we cannot give each other, the cavernous wound of womanhood, the sword of performing femininity, the time and space that doesnāt intersect, the stagnation versus the striving, the desire to change each other.
it is treacherous to leave vulnerability unreciprocated. it was wrong of me. i was focused on what i felt and what i received. i did not realize the hurt of what i gave. i am thankful to hear about the shallow pits of my personality. (but fundamentally i do hold that logic prevails, and the past should be closed off from the present)Ā
i will paint with words.Ā
TRANSMUTE THIS DESIRE. MAKE ART WITH THE PAIN.Ā
the problem is again that my wound is open. i am looking to someone else. i am feeling for them, i am feeling through them. i am seeing them. but again i have answered by own questions (rather Devi has, through me, which is myself). i read what i have written down, and it is a closed circle. it is complete. it does not keep winding up and around, like a spring out-of-control. it moved as Reality did.Ā
what i write in my journal is beautiful. what i write anywhere is beautiful. it must be private. it must be for myself. i love him so much but i am correct in my conclusions.Ā
i am happy and hopeful that we are friends. i am happy and hopeful that we will see each other through the fullness of life. i am happy and hopeful that we will always be together, be close, be full of love and care. i think it is better that we are not so close that we hurt each other, that we come to spite each other. it is better to have a break than it is to have a dent that warps space-time - infinity and forever. i am happy we are here.Ā
i was impressed by how mature he was, how articulate he was. a lot of my fears and what i saw lacking disappeared then. when your heart is in the right place, how can anything else measure up to that? that is the question i have been tousling with for ages. but i know it is for the better this way. things cannot be poured into a void. we need structure. i am going to feel this tenderness forever. i am going to feel this loss when we talk, because only when i think do i remember the rest. only when we are apart and only when we are too close - these are the periods of pain. heart wrenching.Ā
the longing i really have is for someone who i can talk to. someone i can tell what i think to. someone i can vent to. someone i can care for. someone who can care for me. someone who will give me the future. someone who will help me grow. someone who will grow with me. someone who will make me smile. someone who will make me laugh. someone who will make all this stillness worth it. someone who will kiss me and hold me. someone who will hold me. someone who will see me as beautiful and ethereal. someone for whom i am devi. someone who loves devi. someone for whom devi is all. someone who has faith. someone who is mature. someone who cares about spirituality. someone who makes me spiritually better. someone who gives me the world.Ā
i keep coming back to these things. these things that matter. these things that could negate anything else that isn't there. i need to stop. i need to remember this exercise. Ā it is to remember that devi is all of these things. MY LONGING FOR WHAT HE GIVES ME, IS A LONGING TO BE WITH DEVI. we are separate. we are apart. WE IS NOT ME AND HIM. we is devi and me, we is me and myself. my desire grows greater to feel this fullness, a fullness beyond the moments of laughing together and the second a message comes up on the screen. this fullness is ever-lasting. this moment is never-ending. it is not through a person and it is not inspired by anyone - there is nothing external, there is nothing outside of it. the motion is what it will itself into. he is my devi. i am my devi.Ā
the hotplate died last night. suddenly warmth gone. suddenly cold, now how to cook?
the pain of letting the unknown future eat away the truth of the present moment. the pain of the past ripping out from right now. the pain of anything that is not now, the blandness of the moment -- only because we do not know to savor it.Ā
the reflection I once explained to Appa - my resolve to uncover this myself
5/25/21 11AM