#third thoughts

I think I may have talked myself out of this job opportunity. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me back when I was applying for things like this, but now that it’s a reality I’m having a very strong negative reaction to the thought of working for a law enforcement agency. I feel like it’s a lot of stress and scrutiny that I don’t need in my life. The whole background check thing feels like too much of an invasion of privacy (I’m used to normal work background checks, but this is...extensive. To a ridiculous extent, IMO, and one I’m not hugely comfortable with). I’ve been trying to make myself finish it and I just...don’t want to.

LBR, I like having an online persona and a fannish life. While it’s not a guarantee that any of that would be under scrutiny or come into question, there’s a chance it could. Not keen on losing any of that or having to justify it to anyone, or with losing my ability to express myself or my opinions because of a more stringent behavior policy at work.

I’m also surprised that I’m not more excited about the idea of the job itself. I truly thought it was something I’d like to do, have done for years, and while some aspects sound great (learning new things, the shiny instruments and equipment, working with and for more women), others sound less appealing the more I think about them (more pressure and stress, court appearances, requiring yet more schooling should I want to move up the ranks, less flexibility in my day-to-day schedule, etc). I just don’t have a great feeling about it for some reason, which definitely surprises me, and it gets more intense the more I consider it. Feels like a lot more than just normal anxiety or the fear of the unknown that usually accompanies these things.

The biggest con for me, though, is the salary. It would be a rather substantial pay cut, especially when taking into account the loss of overtime opportunity, maybe as much as $8000 a year. With the cost of living rising so much where I am, it feels like a foolish choice to make, especially when I’m unsure about the position already. I should be excited to get my foot in the door, but instead I’m not at all thrilled with the idea of starting over and putting myself at a financial disadvantage, not when I can save so much more where I am. If I keep my head down and don’t make too many waves at my current position, things would probably be okay (some of these people will retire or die off eventually, tbh).

Her First Thoughts were: I've just had a blazing row with Mistress Weatherwax! They say that if you cut her with a knife, she wouldn't bleed until she wanted to! They say that when some vampires bit her, they all started to crave sweet tea and biscuits. She can do anything, be anywhere! And I called her an old woman!

Her Second Thoughts were: Well, she is.

Her Third Thoughts were: Yes, she is Mistress Weatherwax. And she's keeping you angry. If you're full of anger, there's no room left for fear.

"You hold that anger," Mistress Weatherwax said, as if reading all of her mind. "Cup it in your heart, remember where it came from, remember the shape of it, save it until you need it. But now the wolf is out there somewhere in the woods, and you need to see to the flock."

It's the voice, Tiffany thought. She really does talk to people like Granny Aching talked to sheep, except she hardly cusses at all. But I feel...better.

"Thank you," she said.

Second Thoughts: Maybe you should run everyday.

First Thoughts: It's not the best training strategy in terms of muscle recovery, but that may not be a bad idea. It's not like I'm training for an event.

Third Thoughts: You're looking forward to running tomorrow, and seriously considering increasing the frequency of your runs. You realize this means you've actually grown to like running, right?

First Thoughts: ...

Second Thoughts: Are we sure about this?

Third Thoughts: We can't be absolutely certain about anything. Ever. But the data supports this theory.

Second Thoughts: Huh.

I had a weird train of thought last night when a friend of mine, in response to me worrying about a friend walking a couple blocks back to her car after dark, said "It's okay. It's not a bad neighborhood."

The first thing I thought was "Ah, it's true, I'm worrying too much."

The second thing I thought was "Oh dear, I've probably insulted him, by worrying I've implied that his neighborhood is bad."

The third thing I thought was, "That's an odd thing to say. In what world does that keep someone safe?" 

And I said to myself, "Okay first thought, that's true. I'm sure it'll be okay. Second thought, oh dear, I hope not," and started shifting the worry onto my behavior.

And then, in keeping with Terry Pratchett, I said, "Err, wait a minute, third thought, what was that again?"

And third thought said, "Well, I mean, it doesn't matter how nice the neighborhood is. It's still dark out, poorly lit, and no crosswalk. A speeding car isn't going to judge the neighborhood. But yes, a nice neighborhood would keep HIM safe - A guy might get targeted for walking down the wrong street, but a girl gets targeted for being outside alone."

It then occurred to me that yes, he WOULD be pretty safe walking outside after dark. Literally, not being in a particularly bad area would keep him safe. That sort of... boggled my mind. He could walk anywhere! As long as no one wanted his wallet or thought he was "on their turf", he'd probably be okay.

I was probably raised to be way too paranoid, but that's kind of cool. Someday I hope Universe.exe patches that for everybody else regardless of what type of human they are.