#thingsarehard

I.NEED.self.exploration

I would start by saying I love you, and I would say it 50 times. I would say I always wanted to be the woman in the snow looking in the gift shop window. I would tell you that I’m sorry, and I know you would hate it.

I would tell you I can’t be with you, and look at the ground. I’d cry more than I already was, and wish I was wrong. I would explain how my habits have changed, and have become unhealthy. That my anxieties have grown tenfold, and I can’t eat anything without feeling like it is wrong. 

I would tell you I sometimes don't feel like myself. That I do not feel like I am good enough, or ever will be. That I am a project to you, something you need to change and mold and fix and frame, and that none of those things are true. I would tell you I liked who I was, and I like who I am, and most importantly, I like who I am becoming. 

I would make sure to say you are my favorite. That if we both have a little more growing to do before we are ready to come together, I would be the happiest woman. I would find you again someday when we were ready, and whisk you away to the life we have dreamed of. 

I’d tell you my time with you was perfect. My time with you felt like no time had passed at all. Like we were the world and it was all spinning for us. 

And then I would say thank you. Thank you for loving me too, and for listening with me. Thank you for holding me and letting me cry and not ever letting go. Thank you for pushing me to grow in my most stubborn moments, for loving God and showing Him in my world, and for reminding me that I am ok.