#theonion

8/09/13 9:16AM

The moody, temperamental ball of repressed rage says he would like to serve and protect one day.

RALEIGH, NC—Calling it his lifelong dream, local man Brendan Lockhart, an insecure and perpetually frustrated bully who believes he has something to prove to the world, told reporters Thursday that he is seriously considering a career in law enforcement.

Lockhart, a recent high-school graduate who sources confirmed is plagued by resentment, self-doubt, unexpected fits of rage, and has always had a penchant for tormenting those who are smaller and weaker than him, explained that he feels he is well suited to serve as a police officer.

“I’ve always wanted to be a cop,” said Lockhart, whose paranoia and inferiority complex constantly haunt him, leading him to lash out at others in order to convince them he is in control. “I know it’s a tough line of work, but I think I’ve got what it takes to earn my shield and get out there and keep the peace.”

“This is the job I was born to do,” continued the man whose main goal in life is to prove to others that he is strong, confident, and not afraid.

Friends and family confirmed that Lockhart, an unpredictable, petty individual who frequently loses his temper when he feels he is being threatened or disrespected, has in recent months been inquiring into joining the ranks of the Raleigh Police Department. In this role, the man with a massive chip on his shoulder and no visible sense of empathy would be tasked with peacefully resolving disputes and evenhandedly administering justice to members of the community over whom he would have official power.

Specifically, sources speculated that should Lockhart successfully complete the 17-week officer training program and cursory psychological examination necessary to become a cop, the 18-year-old, who suffers from feelings of inadequacy and frequently explodes in emotional outbursts against people he perceives to be mocking him, would on a daily basis be placed in delicate situations requiring extreme patience and sound judgment.

“My dad’s encouraging me to go to the academy, and he says that once I graduate I can probably get a job around here,” said Lockhart, referring to the man whose own lack of compassion and propensity for inexplicable violence is largely to blame for similar patterns in his son, and who is himself a veteran police officer. “Once I’m a cop, I’m going to do what I have to do to make sure these neighborhoods stay safe.”

“I bet a lot of people don’t think I can do it, but I’ll show them,” continued the man who could in six months’ time possess both a standard-issue firearm and the city-sanctioned authority to unholster and fire the weapon.

When pressed for further comment, sources close to the man who hopes to play an active role in protecting his community confirmed that Lockhart constantly goes out of his way to intimidate and belittle those people he knows are too submissive to fight back. The 18-year-old often fantasizes at length about getting revenge on those he believes have wronged him. When frustrated or enraged with his own general powerlessness in the world, he reportedly has a tendency to take out these emotions on the first person he comes across, with little or no provocation. Lockhart routinely gets in screaming arguments with others and must be physically restrained as his anger reaches a white-hot pitch, frightening all around him. A devoted fan of mixed martial arts, Lockhart is capable of watching YouTube videos of people being pummeled senselessly for hours at a time.

Sources also felt it bears mentioning that Lockhart is an impassioned and unapologetic racist.

When asked to outline his motivations for entering the field of law enforcement, the perpetually infuriated bully who could very soon be responsible for the security and well-being of thousands of innocent people explained that he feels a personal obligation to do whatever necessary to safeguard society.

“There’s a lot of bad people out there who think they can get away with doing whatever they want, and someone has to stop them,” said Lockhart, his hands unconsciously closing into tight fists. “So if I don’t step up and show everyone who’s boss, who will?”

“Plus, I’ve been talking to my buddies at the gym, and a bunch of them are gonna be cops too,” Lockhart continued. “It’ll be great.”

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***Disclaimer: I understand and respect that COVID-19 is a very serious topic and is affecting people all over the world in many ways, including myself. However, I am also a person that believes one must find humour in the darkest of things, for the sake of our own sanity as human beings. Different people use different means of coping. Thank you for coming to my TED talk***