#themattheweffect

EPISODE 13: TRAINWRECK

I can't decide between a 5 car piles up with a fire-y explosion, firefighters at the scene OR a derailed train plus casualties. Not sure which metaphor I like better.

I thought I was in good shape; dang it - I was in good shape (priority wise). I was doing really well! I was consistently planning meals, crossfitting, keeping a manageable schedule. Then these past few weeks happened. These past few weeks have been like throwing my life's responsibilities in a Yahtzee cup and shaking them only to spill them out wherever they land.  

EPISODE 12: JESSICA VS HER MATTHEW EFFECT

Well hello there Matthew Effect readers! Before I really get into my post I want to go ahead and say that this is pretty terrifying. If I had known inviting Ellen to lunch a few weeks ago to talk about this awesome new blog she was writing would lead to me writing a guest post for her, well, I made not have invited her. Just kidding….kind of. :)

Since she asked me and I agreed (I was drunk on a good lunch – I wasn’t thinking straight!) I have been thinking about this post a lot. My head has been filled with lots of thoughts like these -

“What in the world would I write about?”

“I have nothing figured out, why would anyone be interested in what I have to say?”

“I haven’t even come close to conquering my Matthew Effect, I don’t DESERVE to be writing ANYTHING”

You know, the usual self-doubt filled thoughts.

I even remember saying something along the lines of “But I don’t have a good before/after anymore Ellen, I have a before/after/now (which is creeping back up on before)” to her after she had asked me. I wish I could remember exactly how she responded to that statement because I’m sure it was wonderfully sarcastic but all I really remember is it had a “me either” involved.  And then I knew I had to do this because I remembered why I had emailed Ellen in the first place and why we were sitting there having lunch - vulnerability.

Before I get too much further into that, let’s take a quick trip back in time.

EPISODE TEN: QUESTIONS

The Matthew Effect is all about remembering. More than remembering, really. It's remembering and believing. I wonder if some people are more resilient to it than others. Maybe they remember "incidents" that happened to them, but they don't let that become a part of them. Or, even more blissful, they don't remember the incidents at all. I was saving this epiphany for the end - but something I realized was that your negative Matthew Effects are literally only as strong as you let them be.

I like trying to figure how the world works. I enjoy trying to make sense out of life. It's maddening and wonderful all at once. I don't know how helpful it is though. Trying to figure out myself has never been easy. I find that what I value in life isn't always what I exude. It makes me question lots of things, like whether or not I'm the person I want to be. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I think no.

This month has been a trainwreck for me. We're on day 23 and I will have slept in my bed a total of 9 times; my schedule has been so off kilter. I went on a BIG vacation at the beginning of the month to the Caribbean. I didn't work out, I didn't eat clean, but I did my best not to over-indulge. This past week, I've been house sitting for my parents in Fort Worth, babysitting the niece and nephew after I get off work until the wee hours of the night. Again, have worked out minimally and ate quasi-well. I'm at home tonight, but tomorrow I'm off again to spend the weekend in Austin where rules and structure fly out the window.

The big point I have is that I de-prioritize the time to work on myself every time something comes up. It's too easy to do! And here's the thing, I wouldn't change it. If my parents need my help, I'm going to give it to them. If I get a great vacation with some of my favorite people, I'm going to go. I feel fortunate because I feel very loved. I think my presence is wanted by most and that makes me feel good. But is the sacrifice worth it? Can balance be found between the two?