#them they

let’s get into that glow from the sunset 🌅 🌞

I don’t regret presenting female for 27 years. I really don’t. I think that after I learned I can’t be trusted to cut my own hair, I developed a decent sense of style. I could do my makeup every day and think, “This looks good. I like this,” and feel proud that there was an artistic style I could show people, something I developed myself. That being said, you don’t have to hang a piece of art in your house just because you like its aesthetic.

I was not happy doing hair and makeup every day. There was always this deep, internal feeling that something more was missing. Turns out, for lack of a better term, it was a bunch of guy shit I had (and have) little to no grasp on.

Those little changes -the scent of my deodorant, shopping for men’s clothes, wearing briefs, sitting a certain way- those things all felt right. And when they all came together, they weren’t just little things. They were important things.

That being said, it’s very difficult to toss over two decades of female mannerisms out the window. Whether its gestures or vocal cues, it’s hard to break habit! It’s difficult to describe to people that I prefer presenting as male partly because of my aforementioned mannerisms. Also, partly because I look like butch Tinkerbell. Nobody in their right mind would look at me and go, “That there’s a manly man man.” And that’s okay!

These things are hard to describe to people who don’t face similar challenges. But you don’t have to understand something on a fundamental level to respect and honor it. I know a lot of people who are straight, born male/female and present as such, all of whom are wonderful to me. I would not be here without them.

Before transitioning, I found contentment in certain day to day rituals. But struggling to find mere contentment made life obsequious. Those little makeup rituals, crossing my legs, feeling like I needed to be one of the girls? None of it, and I mean none of it, was worth continuing for a second longer. At that point, I was enduring it because I felt like it was expected of me. I was miserable.

Thinking of myself as he/him...it gives me hope. It makes me want to wake up in the morning and exercise. It makes me want to be social in a way that I appreciate my own manner of communication. It makes me strive to be the person I want to be in my relationships and all endeavors. It makes me HAPPY. 

Since transitioning, my communication and social skills have vastly improved. I have landed a job that I actually enjoy. The relationship I have with my coworkers, peers, friends, and family are all genuine. I am becoming me.

So if you’re reading this wondering what I’m all about...I’m basically just about happiness :) 

I found my way to be happy. Nobody has to understand. I just want to be listened to, just as I am happy to listen to others when they need somebody to hear them. I am all about helping other people, and I can only hope that others will continue to be there for me, even if my gender falls somewhere on the spectrum between Male and Batshit Crazy.