I Am Mike Dee

*Transgender people have been banned from serving in the military on the basis of being trans alone. Active and reliable service members were forced to "self identify" and out themselves. Some service members have been forcibly removed, others 'encouraged to voluntarily leave.'

*Regardless of citizenship, masked men who will not even reveal their faces are scaring and hurting people. Their actions are destroying the lives of actual, real families and it is causing international chaos.

*There is an ongoing and real smear campaign against immigrants and trans people to distract from the sins of those in power, whose wealth has shielded them from justice.

*Soon, I may or may not be permitted to fly on an airplane without changing my gender marker. There is no reason TSA needs to know what's in my pants. If I decide I'm going to become a menace to society and commit crimes at the airport and the cops are called on me, not even the cops hauling me off need to know my biological sex in order to do their jobs, take me to jail and send me to court to be judged.

*Our prison system is inhumane in a way our prisoners do not deserve. There are over a hundred for-profit prisons in America. For-profit prisons profit based on how many prisoners they have. If the government pays the owner of a prison $100 per inmate per day, will the owner, whose investment is in profit, want fewer prisoners, or more? More, and worse, operating costs are often cut so the owners can take home more money instead of spending it on the prisoners. Things like good meal programs and adequate beds aren't seen as necessities. There is a critical lack of physical, therapeutic and behavioral health programs in prisons. In addition, access to rehabilitative socialization is alarmingly limited. I believe that better social programs are critical, and that they can be attained with minimal cost and oversight. But additional oversight equates to loss of profit. The modern prison is not designed for rehabilitation, it's quite literally designed for profit. These ICE detention centers are not so different. It is inhumane, all of it.

*The presidential administration has marked over half of the American population, dubbed "Dems," as "the enemy." It's not just democrats, it's anyone who identifies as liberal or independent; folks who are gay, trans, Black, Haitian, Mexican, Native, and not Christian; those who speak out (in other words, protest) against the inhumane treatment of people being physically hauled away from their families by aggressive men in masks and unmarked cars with no cause or legal warrant. It's a blatant smear campaign meant to create an "us" and a "them."

*Health care cuts have already been seen and felt in my area. Funding for the emergency department of a rural hospital was cut because of a 3 mile variable. Now they have no local ER, and surrounding cities who do have ERs --mine, which is already overcrowded due to shortstaffing-- are forced to take on more patients.

That is why I am going on October 18 and you should too. This isn't "a dem protest," this is a nation-wide complaint saying that our public servants need to actually concern themselves with our general welfare, justice, and freedom, and treat all who set foot on American soil with dignity.

Whether this passes into law or not, we'll see, but you need to know what's happening, how it affects you, and why it affects all of us even if you don't feel like it does because you don't know any nonbinary or trans people.

Here is an ACLU article about it. Please read it and start researching the details.

I can imagine this will affect anybody with an X on their passport or driver's license, and I can also see this causing complications for people like me who have an M on their ID but an F on their birth certificate. This measure would effectively ban Americans from flying based on their genitalia and gender, and that is not acceptable.

This affects everyone including people who have no ties to LGBTQ people. Our administration is taking unethical and illegal action to revoke the rights of Americans. If they can arbitrarily decide that trans or nonbinary people can't be on a plane without any kind of due process (meaning without explaining why they're doing this, and having the chops to back up their claims), they can do it to anyone, including you, for any reason.

From the ACLU article: "On his first day in office in January 2025, Trump signed an executive order attempting to mandate discrimination against transgender people across the federal government and government programs. This included a directive to the Departments of State and Homeland Security “to require that government-issued identification documents, including passports, visas, and Global Entry cards” reflect a person’s sex “at conception.” Within 48 hours, the State Department paused the processing of some passport applications submitted by transgender, intersex, and nonbinary people and returned others with a newly-issued passport marked with their sex assigned at birth."

There is a major contradiction here. Trump and his administration demand that intersex people change their papers to reflect an M or an F, yet intersex people have both male and female traits at birth, varying from genitalia to internal/external sex features to hormones. God/Creation made them intersex, just as they are. That is literally how they were born. But we're forcing them to choose an M or an F?

The M, F, or X needs to be up to the individual who knows their brain and body better than anyone else -- the person who has, for their whole life, lived in their own skin, with all their own parts. No other individual or group has the experience they have. We must have faith in people to make the best decisions for themselves. We don't have to agree with others, we just have to not take away their rights.

If you or a loved one are transgender, you need to know the implications of this.

What is a Nihilistic Violent Extremist?

This is a recently coined term with no legal definition that I can find. As far as I'm aware, the FBI can point to any group or individual and call them an NVE. Since this acronym has no definition, I assert that "NVE" is a buzzword meant to sew fear in the public, especially in communities lacking basic, trans education. If you are aware of a legal definition, I invite you to share that with me, and I will make an amendment.

Why is the FBI doing this?

I can only speculate. It is worth mentioning that the FBI's decision is being made in the wake of Charlie Kirk's death, and that Kirk supporters appear enraged that his shooter's partner is transgender. It is also worth mentioning FBI director Kash Patel calls Kirk "friend," "brother," and says that he will "see [him] in Valhalla." These are my speculations, and you should make your own, informed decisions.

What does this mean for you as a trans person?

It does not mean you are a criminal but it will make it easier for law enforcement to profile you. I suspect we are about to see an increase in violence against transgender people.

You will need to make some decisions. How "out" do you want to be in person and online? Make sure you check your social media posts and other public information.

Since the FBI provided no credible definition or explanation, I asked an AI, and this is the answer it gave me which is not great news for us:

What is particularly concerning about this explanation is that this would imply that transgender people are one, organized group (which is not true, just as cisgender people are not one, organized group). There is a repetition of "violence" and "extreme," a warning that trans people are going to "bring about the collapse of society."

This "us versus them" thing is fascism, and no, I'm not being dramatic. This is a literal element of a society governed by fascism, and at this point in time, we are being subjected to actual, real fascism. Read the Wiki article and spot the similarities!

Another NVE for comparison:

A man from Farmington Hills was labeled as an "NVE" for producing child pornography, meaning the FBI's stance is that pedophiles and transgender people are an equal danger. “The alleged crimes are sick and twisted. Nihilistic violent extremists shamefully terrorize vulnerable victims in our communities to create chaos and instability." -U.S. Attorney Gorgon. This isn't a remark on Gorgon's beliefs about trans folks (I don't know what his beliefs are), but rather, worth pointing out that the FBI is looking at pedophiles, and comparing them with all transgender people.

What can be done?

Don't shut up about it! Squawk! Squawk right now! Here are some people and organizations you can connect with. I invite you to DM me if you need help connecting with any department, office, or representative. Talk to or write to:

~Your local representative/s, of all parties

~Send feedback directly to the Department of Justice and FBI

~Research and partner with advocates, like the American Civil Liberties Union

Some helpful language you can use would be to express that this is a "civil rights issue," "security concern," and "failure of policy." Be assertive (not aggressive) and professional.

And it is an excellent question. I feel it's worth answering and making its own post.

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New friend trancak3s asks: "how do you feel safe being queer saying progressive things in a church setting? I can't imagine feeling safe denouncing ice to a bunch of church goers"

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I'm glad you asked this question! The majority of Christian denominations continue to persecute queer people and minorities, so it's important that we discuss safety openly and transparently.

In essence, my congregation earned my trust after my trust had been shattered by a very patriarchal baptist church many, many years ago. I could never have set foot in a church again and I'd've been happy.

When I was in my late 20s, one of my coworkers invited me to "volunteer at Pride with her church" and I was like…ummmmmmm…what? That's like saying 1 + 1 = 3 but okay sure, this will be a shitshow, I'm in. They proved me wrong, simple as that. I volunteered with them again at a shelter, then chose to apply for their administrator position.

During the hiring process, pre-medical-transition, I told my now-boss/pastor, "Hey, I'm trans. Is that going to be a problem?" I will never forget his next words: "Okay. What are your pronouns?" I started testosterone that same year. A lotta Christians witnessed my awkward transformation from smooth caterpillar to hairy butterfly. They were understandably curious, and I was surprised at how versed they were in basic human decency. For example, if they had a question that they weren't sure was too personal, they'd say so: "I have a question, but I'm not sure if it's too personal. Is it okay for me to ask?" They were earnest and kind. I began to open up to them, and the relationships I have today were forged.

When I got top surgery I wrote a small bit in our newsletter, something like, "Hey guys! I'm excited to finally get my top surgery. I'll be out of the office for 2 weeks." They organized a meal train for me. Churchgoers I had never met before brought meals to my home, and made enough for my husband too. Do you know what my biggest problem with top surgery was? All the sodium they put into their cooking! THOSE are the kinds of problems trans folk should have!

My denomination is an outlier when it comes to acceptance and celebration. We're a rarity, but fortunately becoming less rare. I imagine it's because we're invitational, not confrontational. You will never see us going door to door asking if people have been "saved" or handing out pamphelety BS. Our 3 beliefs are: nobody is perfect, God loves us anyway, do your best to love each other. We take those beliefs and apply them to active ministry; when we aren't doing "churchy things," our facility is used by local nonprofits, food ministries, 12-step-programs, children's programs, and all kinds of good resources. We actually make a difference, and that contributes to my trust as well.

Another trust factor is that I've worked there for 6 years now and I'm not a rostered member. My congregation knows this and they've never pressured me to become "official." Recently I decided to join, and I'm currently taking our new members class :) My pastor said "dude just write your name in THE BOOK (tm)" but I've been challenging myself to get out more, so I chose to take the class.

Now, every church in our denomination is different. If you go to a rural church with 30 members, it will feel very different from a city church with 200+ members. That said, our official denominational stance is that queer people are people, and we stand with immigrants and refugees. That stance matters a whole lot. In addition, you can be queer and ordained in our denomination. Whether you're the little old lipstick lesbian making quilts for veterans or you've taken on the role of bishop, you can be gay or trans.

In essence, I feel safe to be myself because the congregation and denomination, as individuals and as a whole, earned my trust.

Bonus Unsolicited Advice! Whatever your faith dear reader, a good community or congregation is one where you feel safe among its individuals and within its structure. If you feel like the structure is holding everyone up but you, then you aren't the issue; the foundation is.

Hi everyone! I transitioned. You can go back through my journey and read about it from the day I came out to my post-surgery thoughts. There isn't a definitive "end" to transitioning. After change happens, a person still has to keep on keeping on. So after I did all the things I felt I needed to do to achieve my transition, the question became...

"Now what?"

I decided that I needed to figure out what mattered most to me. It took years of contemplation, conversations, and soul searching, and I discovered that at the end of the day, I care about people: their ability to cope with hardship, think critically, and have resources to help them. My question became: how can I take what's important to me -helping people in those ways- and act with impact?

I'm still working at my church and involved in ministry, and I'm considering seminary and chaplaincy both. Even better: another queer person about my age started attending church, and they are deeply invested in the same things I am, so we are taking this figuring-stuff-out journey together. We'll see where it goes. All I know is this:

Right now, America is in deep. We are suffering under a presidency and government that is dangerously anti-human. Never mind that I'm barred from participating my own military (the one my taxes pay for), but people are being kidnapped by people in masks who may or may not be affiliated with law enforcement, and there's no way for us to know without putting our lives in danger. Humans are being taken, locked in cages, and shipped to places where they have no resources or community. This includes vulnerable people like adults with health issues, or children.

I have decided that I am going to be loud about opposing these needlessly and senselessly violent acts against the exact people Jesus said to help. I encourage all of you to do the same. If you see something, say something. Do something. Not sure what to do? Ask an AI. Google it. There are more decent people out there than not, even when it doesn't feel like it. Those corrupted by power are just so loud, and have so much pull in the world, that sometimes their clamor drowns out the sound of goodness. Those corrupt people need to be held accountable; it is unfortunately up to us to do that.

The more down to earth, educated, kind, helpful people we have out there, the better. You don't have to identify as Christian to be those things. Just be those things. All we can do is tip the balance, and every act of kindness and integrity adds to the weight of decency we need.

Be kind. Act with integrity. Help those with less. Don't give up.

Hey y'all. I realize I haven't written in a literal year. In general, things are going great. I got married and reconciled with family, which both need to be their own posts, which I'll get on top of later. Today I wanted to vent about my first experience with a doctor who had homosexual and transgender bias.

Before I get into it, I want to say that I really don't throw the word 'transphobic' around lightly. I think there is a difference between hate, phobia, and ignorance, and each needs to be analyzed and addressed separately. But I'm not here to talk philosophy, I'm here to say that I am deliberately choosing to call this doctor, or at least his actions, transphobic, as he was afraid to treat me the way he would presumably treat his non-transgender patients.

A few months ago, I pulled something weed-whacking and parts of my neck and arm went numb. The numbness persisted for a couple weeks, so I figured I'd better go get it checked out just to be safe. I couldn't see my primary because she's out for a few months, so I went to express care at the same practice at #amplahealth.

The nurse took my blood pressure and it was really high which is unusual. I've had high BP in the past, but not for a couple years, and all other readings at this office in recent years have looked great, so I fully expected the doctor to address it.

I was taken to a room and the doctor entered shortly after, respectfully confirming that I was transgender female-to-male which is of course standard practice. He then attempted to confirm that I was having pain in my left back and shoulder. I explained that there was no pain, but persistent numbness, and swelling that had since gone away.

He asked if I was taking testosterone. I told him that I had not taken testosterone for over a month.  He asked why. I verbally hesitated, as this is an uncomfortable and private matter, and I was not familiar with him. He assured me that to treat me properly, he must know, so I explained that my husband (who was in the room with me, this is important later) and I planned to have a child.

He then declared that my "pain" was the result of abruptly discontinuing a high dose of testosterone. I explained that I had not stopped taking my hormones suddenly but weened myself off safely and successfully under the supervision of my primary care doctor. I also reiterated that there was no pain, only numbness, and added that I first experienced the sensation while weed whacking since he had not asked me anything about the incident yet.

I explained that I felt numbness “here,” and pointed to the area. He was looking at his clipboard and would not look at me. Uncertain if he had heard me, I asked if I could show him the area. He still would not look at me. A really long, awkward stint of time passed that left husband and I staring awkwardly at each other. Eventually he did look at me, and I said, “This is where I’m having the numbness,” and pointed to the area. He didn't observe the area. He didn't touch it. He didn't even ask any questions about it. He simply reiterated that my "pain" was due to stopping testosterone and said that suddenly stopping a high dose of testosterone can cause unexpected pain in various areas of the body.

I'm not a doctor y'all. But Jesus Christ. Come on. I had long since tapered off of my hormones with no issues, and I could feel the EXACT moment my numbness started - - - when I was weed whacking.

Then the doctor stopped in the middle of his explanation and asked, “Why are you looking at me like that?” This confused me and I glanced at my husband, then back at the doctor. “See? Now you’re tilting your head. What am I saying that’s so confusing?”

I said that regardless of whatever influence may have played a factor in starting the numbness, my day-to-day tasks were exacerbating the issue and I was concerned. I told him that when my arms were held up it increased the numbness, and that working at my desk while typing or driving my car seemed to trigger it.

This is where he really went off the rails. He said he was not going to file a worker’s comp claim (?????????). I asked him why he thought this was a work injury. He said it was because I work at a desk, and that workers comp claims are messy, and “Trust me, you really don’t want to get into that kind of thing.” I reminded him that my issue began when I was weed whacking.

He said, “I can give you some baclofen to relax your muscles, but you need to see your primary about this.” I explained that my primary was on maternity leave, which is why I had come to express care. Then he started to talk shit about my doctor! I can't make this stuff up y'all. He complained that she hadn't set a return date and this and that and the other; personal feelings about his colleague that he had no business talking about to his patients.

At that point his cell phone rang. He recovered it from his pocket and mentioned that it was his son, and that he had to take the call. He corrected himself after glancing at the screen and said that it was actually his boss and stepped outside of the door to take the call.

At that point, I chose to leave because I felt I was not being respected, and felt the doctor was not invested in helping me. As my husband and I left the office, I passed him in the hallway. I said, “We’re going to leave, thank you.” The doctor said, “Don’t you want your baclofen?” I said no and left.

He never asked me questions. Never touched my arm or neck. He barely looked at me. As far as my blood pressure went, he never mentioned it and I had to go elsewhere to get it checked out, as well as my original problem with numbness. (I had pinched a nerve, and the numbness went away on its own. A doctor confirmed that this had nothing to do with testosterone. Was given blood pressure medication for hypertension and told to follow up with my primary.) I scheduled an appointment with another doctor at Ampla to talk about the blood pressure.

Bad experience, but life goes on, right?

WRONG!!

A week or two later, I logged onto my patient portal to find that the doctor assigned to me that fateful day really went to town on my patient chart, filling it with dangerous and incorrect information about my medication, an incorrect reason for my visit, and on top of that, he used my patient chart like a diary to express his feelings about me.

First, he logged my visit as leg numbness.

Then, under "history of present illness," he wrote the following. This is HIS note, word for word, copied and pasted from my chart to Tumblr. I bolded my favorite parts:

“Patient comes to the clinic today with his male friend. His chart note identifies him as a transgender female to male who had been on testosterone 200 mg every week. This was discontinued a month ago. In the last month patient and his male friend have decided they want to have a baby, the reason for discontinuing. Realizing the possible adverse effects of that much testosterone that frequently and then discontinuing it I continued asking questions of this individual. Patient became very agitated. I attempted to explain to him why I was asking was led to his insistence that he was having muscle spasms in the neck and that was causing the numbness down his neck, arm, shoulder, and upper back. While trying to reassure this individual that I was trying to help him with the thoughts of giving him baclofen for muscle spasms myself on begin to buzz from a call from our companies headquarters. I excused myself and stepped out of the room to answer. Before I could asked the caller to hold on, the patient and his male friend stormed out of the room with the patient saying "you know what I am just going to leave". I asked the patient if he would like me to give him a prescription for baclofen to which she said "no I am good". Patient was not thoroughly evaluated. Patient became extremely angry that I was even questioning him. Patient obviously had some kind of disdain for me as a straight white male provider and chose to leave without being seen.”

Y'all.

Y'all.

Where do I even start?

How about how he refers to my husband as my “male friend” after they were explicitly introduced at the appointment? I could not have been clearer in saying we were married and would soon be trying for a child. Our decision to have a child was not decided over the last month as he claimed, but rather, over many, many years. Now my chart says that I up and decided to have a baby with a friend, and abruptly stopped 200mg of testosterone a week to do this, which brings me to the fact that...

NOBODY TAKES THAT MUCH TESTOSTERONE.

My prescription, as in the entire vial, is 200mg. My dose at the time I started tapering (months and months ago) was 0.4ml, which is about 80mg/week. That's over double my dose. It's an insane dose that nobody in the history of ever has been prescribed. Not only is his information incorrect and dangerous, but it shows that he did not read my chart properly and does not understand how intramuscular medication is prescribed. And by the time I was done tapering, I was taking less that 0.1ml (20mg)/week, so no, I did not abruptly stop taking a high dose. Not only does it make it look like I'm abusing hormones, but it implicates my primary care doctor, pegging her as someone who prescribes unsafe hormones.

And finally, “Patient obviously had some kind of disdain for me as a straight white male provider and chose to leave without being seen.” He wrote this under "history of present illnesses." I resent that he projected his inferences about me in MY chart. My chart isn't his fucking diary. This is a grown ass man with a medical degree, and this is how he behaved. His attempt to gaslight me to cover his own ass is sure something. I wasn't agitated. I had no disdain for him as a straight person or a white person. That's not me. I do presently, however, have disdain for his behavior and character.

I've talked with Ampla's patient complaint department and am working hard to get my chart amended. It's a tricky process because it can take months, and the doctor himself has to agree to change the chart.

I requested that he change my hormone dose to the correct dose, correct the reason for the visit, and refer to my husband as my HUSBAND and scratch the part where he says I made a sudden decision to grow crotchfruit with a rando. I did NOT request he change "she" to "he" in my chart, nor did I request he get rid of the bit that says I detest straight white dudes, because if he wants to look like an asshole in writing, that's his choice.

In the meantime, I'm stuck with dangerous and wrong information on my chart that makes me look like I abuse hormones. And my doctor is still on maternity leave. I haven't gone back to the clinic and will not until this is amended. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because my primary is amazing, and she is a trans health care specialist who has helped my husband (also her patient) and I prepare to start trying for a baby. She's also helped me with my fibromyalgia and I've made such strides with her. I mean, she's essentially our family doctor and I could not ever hope for a better one. And yet I have no desire to stay with Ampla after this. I haven't made a decision about whether or not to go back, and until my chart is amended, I cannot morally bring myself to be seen there. I need their administration to take this seriously.

I have already let their administration know that if the chart isn't amended, I will approach my primary doctor directly, as well as their board, and proceed to take whatever steps are legal and necessary to protect myself and my primary.

Firstly, I’m one year post op which is INSANE. I started this blog on day 1 of my transition, pre-everything, like even pre “Mike”, and now it’s been a year since top surgery. Like...whaaaaat????

You know how some parts of your life leave you with this feeling of nostalgia that’s almost tangible? Like when the weather is right, you go back to your childhood and get that feeling of playing in the sprinklers with your friends, or when it’s rainy it feels like the town you used to live in, etc. etc. Top surgery hardcore gave me happy nostalgia atmosphere. The weather right now reminds me of being in San Francisco, feeling super tiny underneath all the buildings, exploring the city the day before my surgery; coming to in the hotel room and watching Bo Burnham’s Inside special with a stupid smile on my face, then calling a friend and discussing which D&D class Shrek would be; hugging a pillow on the ride home so the seatbelt wouldn’t dig into my chest; calling my boss from a weird pizza place the day I got my drains out, saying “Hey, remember how I said I’d feel fine after getting my drains out? Yyyeahhhh no, I’mma take tomorrow off, also, don’t get lost in Folsom, there’s nothing for you here” and him laughing saying he went there for a puppy training class; sitting on the couch playing Fallout 3, bitching about how I have to install 5 things just to run the stupid game on Steam; being careful not to move too much because of my drains, and adjusting my compression binder so the seam isn’t digging into my sides; people from my church bringing me home made meals that are supposed to be low sodium but everything is covered in cheese because Lutherans be Lutherans. I LOVED top surgery. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

My scars have lightened considerably though they are still obvious. My nips are pretty symmetrical, and I’m really glad I got the nipple graft. I thought about no nips and some of my friends went that route, but I really do enjoy having nipples. 

A lot has happened in the last year too. The bar I did drag and burlesque was sold by the owner and shut down. It was our towns only gay bar. Fortunately, a new bar (like they recently opened) adopted all the lost gays and we have a home there. While I LOVED the last bar, this is a much better fit for our troupe in a much more stable environment. I already have so many happy memories there.

I’m getting married in 5 months. I’m starting to really freak out, not because I’m getting married but because a wedding is a HUGE time + financial + mental commitment. Like, we haven’t even picked our clothes, and this is a 100+ person wedding. And we have no money. This is going to be interesting. The fuck we gonna feed these people, pizza?

Gender Confirmation Center, San Francisco, CA. 

Dr. Facque was my surgeon. He’s professional and personable with an awesome sense of humor, and did a fantastic job with my surgery and the surgeries of several of my FTM and NB friends. I healed very quickly, and almost a year later, I look and feel great. He did double incision with nipple grafts and everything is very even considering how bad I’ve always scarred. I also have friends who went with Dr. Mosser at the same clinic and I have heard the same positive comments in regards to him.

The GCC’s website and receptionists are both VERY clear about what you have to do in order to get a consultation, and what to do financially regarding insurance/not having insurance. I was going through an insurance nightmare at the time, and the least stressful thing for me was talking to the GCC and having them walk me through the money process.

I know this post seems super out of the blue, but it’s because today my anesthesiologist from the surgery, Dr. Dunn, called me on my cell phone. He let me know that I had missed a $15 anesthesia bill and didn’t want it to go to collections so he called me himself, personally. I don’t know how I missed the bill but I’m grateful that he took the time out of his day to save me the hassle of dealing with a collections agency and feeling like I did my doctors dirty. So a huge thank you to Dr. Dunn.

Please let me know if anybody has questions about top surgery. I’m happy to offer as much advice as I am able, and if I don’t have answers I will help you find them so that you can continue on your journey :)

8 years ago, I made a facebook post that said, “Mostly my GID affects me emotionally. Sometimes, I just process emotions the way a man would. I didn't realize I did this until I was an adult. It happens though, and when it does, I suddenly feel insecure because I have breasts and full lips, but my mind is going in all of these directions aimed toward masculinity. This is why I sometimes wish I were a man; perhaps life would be easier?”

I can’t believe it’s been 6 months today since I got top surgery. The time has absolutely sped by without having to stress about binding. I just wanted to touch bases to keep documenting my experience, and to let other people know (generally speaking) what they can expect if top surgery (double incision) is something they’re aiming for.

I think I mentioned this before but I was surprised at how painless the surgery was. The aftermath involved more discomfort, itchiness, and stiffness than anything. Within a month I was doing light jogging, and within two I was back to working out...albeit with caution and low weights. 

I didn’t lose a bunch of strength or anything when I was recovering, but I had to be careful not to stretch the scars...and my body told me when I needed to dial it down. I always imagined I would have to build my strength back up, but the real struggle was with range of motion and extension. You aren’t really aware of how many muscles your body uses for basic functions until you can’t use them fully. For example, when jogging for the first time, I could only jog for about 10 seconds before I was clutching my underarms. I never paid attention to those muscles before.

I am, for the most part, back to normal. The scars are pink instead of red now, and my nipples look pretty good. The sensation in my nipples is largely diminished. Sometimes my pecs, right behind my nipples, ache a bit when the weather is cold. My nipples can tell when it’s going to rain hahaha. 

For the first few months I was flat, REALLY flat which sounds like a dream when you have breasts, but there is a level of flat that’s achieved after some top surgeries that actually look less masculine than the final result. What I mean is that your body needs time to build muscle after the surgery, or in my case this holiday season, more fat. After a little fat & muscle, my pecs are a bit bigger, and look much more masculine several months later. 

Sometimes when I’m not feeling well or I’m tired, my shoulders edge inward. It’s a trauma-response. When I had the surgery, for the first couple weeks after, my chest and shoulders bowed inward because the body folds naturally toward areas of trauma. It got better pretty quickly especially with stretching, but sometimes my shoulders will lose their posture and try to go back to the same state they were in after surgery.

When I got my right drain taken out, I felt a sharp pain in my arm and side. I was told this was normal, and it probably was, I mean I was having a tube yanked out of my body lol. The area below my shoulder and adjacent to my armpit had pretty wild pins and needles sensations plus numbness for a long time after. It still lingers a bit though not nearly as bad. The other side is perfectly normal.

All in all, my chest looks great and I feel great. I’m so much happier.

I got oral surgery the other day, and had one of those weird affirming/not affirming moments. 

Firstly, the nurse thought my (woman) coworker/designated driver was my wife and just assumed I was a straight dude. That made me feel strangely good about myself. 

The nurse and I talked for a long time. Nurse was extroverted and enjoyed conversing which was nice (love me a good emotional support extrovert.) When they were looking over my chart they asked, “What’s this endocrine disorder?” So I told them, “I’m transgender.” They stared at me and blinked, and then went, “Waitttt, so you were born...?” “Female.” Then their eyes got really big and they went, “I couldn’t even tell! Let me just say, you look REAL good,” which was probably inappropriate but honestly I’m a sucker for compliments, and I figured maybe they could just read a room and discerned that it was cool to compliment me like that. 

Then they asked me questions about being a trans man.

Then the nurse almost let a “she” slip, and of course it stung, so I mentally told myself get over it, you were passing until you said something.  

THEN they confessed that they’ve been questioning their own gender since they were like 9. I just thanked them for trusting me with that information and explained this this was a conversation that was too complex to have right before surgery.

Look, I’m grateful to have been there for the nurse in a moment that possibly opened up some doors for them in discovering their own gender but asking a trans person the particulars of being trans when they’re literally on the operating table about to undergo sedation is neither the time nor place!

If you’re passing and live around people who knew you before you passed, there’s always gonna be that one person who cannot, does not, will not get that you’re a guy or gal. It doesn’t matter how much your body changes with or without hormones. It doesn’t matter how you dress. It doesn’t matter if you have boobs or a beard now. It doesn’t matter that you’ve told them a thousand times that you aren’t a woman or aren’t a man.

But as shitty as this feels, the people who knew us “before” are people who we have ongoing relationships with, and it’s not always easy to say “Hey, you calling me a he/she is disrespectful.” Even though they’re in the wrong, it still feels like we’re the ones stirring the pot. So how should we handle this? How should this make us feel? Well think of it this way:

You have a friend named Janine. For some reason though, she really looks like a “Jenny.” Whenever you see her the name Jenny pops into your head and you’ve accidentally called her that multiple times. Janine tells you over and over that Jenny isn’t her name. Janine likes hanging out with you up until you call her by the wrong name. It isn’t her name, and you’re getting a major part of her identity wrong. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing it accidentally, because Janine is the one being repeatedly subjected to something that makes her uncomfortable.

Gender is no different.

The bottom line is that it’s not okay for somebody to repeatedly misgender you especially over the course of months or years. And while their ideas about gender have nothing to do with you, you do have to decide how to broach the issue if you want to continue your relationship with them. I recommend this: pull out a piece of paper and make three columns, red, yellow, and green. 

In the red column, write down what you can’t deal with. What pisses you off. What makes you feel depressed. What invalidates you. Maybe it’s your mom asking you (a guy) if you want to go dress shopping; maybe it’s your (a girl) teacher demanding you use the men’s restroom. Maybe it’s being misgendered. 

In the yellow column, write down things that rub you the wrong way but you aren’t totally sure why or what your exact feelings are. Maybe it’s somebody who buys you (a guy) a bouquet of flowers. Girls usually get flowers...but not always, and it’s a thoughtful gift. You aren’t sure how to feel about this. Or maybe you (a girl) are still invited out “with the guys.” These are your long time friends who have remained close to you even after coming out; they refuse to exclude you because you’re their friend, but the term “going out with the guys” feels icky.

In the green column, write down things that make you happy. Somebody who used to struggle with your pronouns now getting it right every single time. Your (a guy) dad calling you son. Your (a girl) mom calling you daughter.

Now you have a list. Whenever something in the green column happens, take a moment of mental reflection and just bask in the moment. Remind yourself that in this moment, you are happy. Someone sees you as you. You are you, and no words or actions in the world can ever make that untrue. 

When something in the yellow column happens, take some time out of your day (even if it’s later on) to reflect a little. See a therapist. Do some research. Meditate. Write down ideas. And remember that you’re under no time constraint; you can take as long as you want to make a decision on what makes you comfortable or not comfortable.

And finally the hard part! When something in the red column happens, shut it down. When so-and-so misgenders you, all you have to say is, “I’m a man” or “I’m a woman” or any other phrase you want. “My pronoun is he/she.” “I’m not comfortable with that.” It’s a short, sweet phrase that is in no way offensive, and you owe no further explanation. If they make an issue of it, you’re under no obligation to entertain them. If they continue misgendering you after, you can use this phrase again or simply ignore them. After all, why should Janine answer to “Jenny?” If someone hollered “Jenny!” in a crowd she wouldn’t respond, and neither should you to the wrong gender. 

If you’re a guy who has just recently come out / started dabbling in masculine clothing and hairstyles / just wants fashion advice, then I have a few tips. Before I was passing, I compensated however I could to look more masculine. Going back through photos of myself pre-T to about 6 months/a year on T, I discovered a few fashion mishaps that really didn’t do me any favors. 

PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN

Men and women wear their pants differently around the waist. For the longest time, I would buy men’s pants and wear them like I would women’s: just under the navel, hugging the hips or sometimes even at navel height. This may not feel intuitive to you at first - it sure wasn’t for me - but pull your waistband down under your belly. 

If you’ve got a belly like I do, you may feel self-conscious. I did at first. Then I saw pictures of what a difference it made! Even with a gut, wearing pants below my belly proved that my body was more masculine than I gave it credit for. If you are a big guy, remember, men are curvy too!

DON’T BUZZ YOUR ENTIRE HEAD

It feels like getting a buzzcut should help. How is a buzzcut not masculine, right? The thing is, folx who aren’t passing, especially pre-T/early-T, tend to feel more dysphoric after buzzing their entire head. I did, and somebody actually PMed me once with this exact problem asking for advice. The thing is, buzzing your whole head makes it look round, and doesn’t lend itself to a masculine shape. When you get a haircut, cut the sides shorter than the top. If the sides are buzzed and the top is longer, it’s called a fade cut, and it works wonders. Fade cuts are an easy, affordable cut that looks sharp, clean, and masculine. Fade cuts are your friend!

ALWAYS CHOOSE SQUARE OVER ROUND

Like haircuts, yes, but this applies to other things as well. Got a watch? Buy a square watch, and buy a bigger watch than you would normally get. Little, round watches are a traditionally feminine style. Used to women’s jeans? Try men’s jeans with a pant cut that’s straight instead of skinny, one that doesn’t hug your waist and legs. Get a fade cut. Get a baggier shirt. For some people like me, it isn’t something that feels “right” at first because it just isn’t what we’re used to, but those subtle changes from circular/curvy fitting styles to more straight and square ones make a HUGE difference. 

I could not have possibly predicted what a double mastectomy feels like. Firstly, it’s way, way less painful overall than I thought it would be. I use Tylenol and compression to treat it and that’s enough. So far the most painful thing hasn’t been the surgery, but the back pain I have from having to sleep on my back at an incline. I have some pre-existing issues, so not being able to stretch, sleep comfortably, and having to wear the compression binder are uncomfortable. The majority of actual post-op pain came after the drains were taken out. The mastectomy scar is healing very nicely with little pain, but the drain holes, or “D-holes” as my hilarious coworker calls them, sting. They are definitely retaining some fluid and swelling. One of them already decreased in swelling and looks a lot better, and now the other one is sensitive. There’s a really uncomfortable, tingly numbness under both armpits around the D-holes. It comes with exertion and goes without. Apparently that’s normal, it’s just annoying. My range of motion is getting better by the day. I had surprisingly little bruising, almost none at all. So yeah, aside from numb, lumpy D-holes, I’m doing pretty good. I made the mistake of trying to drive and can say from experience that if you have a pre-existing, chronic pain condition, don’t drive the day after you get your drains out. Probably don’t do that anyway lol. 

The hardest part for me about top surgery has been being unable to exercise. One of my feel-good hobbies is to listen to music and exercise, which I can’t do yet. I’m also not super interested in having Vaseline on my nipples but beggars can’t be choosers.

My favorite thing about top surgery is how quickly I’m seeing results, and how interesting of an experience overall it has been. I feel strong for having had the surgery, and it’s a big achievement. 

I feel like I started this blog a very short time ago, but I came out in October 2018. Sometimes I go back through my old posts and see how nervous I was to procure testosterone, or to even ask people to use my name and pronouns at work. Yesterday, I went to San Francisco and had a double incision mastectomy with nipple grafts. There are quaint, little sponges on my nip-nops, and drains shoved...somewhere. 

From the very first time I inquired about costs until they helped me out of the wheelchair and into the back of the car to go home, the staff was AMAZING. It was a great experience and I suffered very little nervousness. Plus, I got to explore a bit of San Fran with my family :) 

It’s bizarre how little pain I feel in my chest tbh. I don’t feel my nipples at all. I occasionally feel a sort of rawness in the center of my chest, almost like a mild, mild carpet burn. They put me in a binder, and the binder actually hurts worse than the cuts. I am very stiff, though. You know how your arm feels achy, stiff, and tired after a flu shot? That’s what both my sides feel like.

The anesthesia was some good shit lemme tell you what XD One minute I was being strapped to a table, then blackness. I briefly came to. There was a nurse - and I could only see her face which was a blur - asking me “Do you feel nauseous?” I tried to tell her, “A little, but I don’t think I’m gonna throw up.” What came out instead was garbled gibberish and drool probably. Then I blacked out again and woke up in the hotel room. 

The drains have already stopped collecting as much blood. I have very little swelling. Other than stiffness and a binder that’s annoying, I feel good! I go back on Tuesday to have the drains and sponges removed. I am SO excited to heal up enough to work out and take care of my body.