#text comedy

If Professor Gerald and Dr. Eggman existed at the same time

Eggman: Welcome to our evil lair!

Gerald: No! No! This is not evil, nor is it a lair. It is a laboratory. For science!

Eggman: Evil science!

Shadow: Rouge, I love you.

Rouge: Shadow, I...

Knuckles: But, Rouge, I also love you.

Shadow: Now two of us love you. Who will you choose?

Rouge: ...

(Nonchalantly): Why don’t we all just...fuck each other?

(Shadow and Knuckles glance between her and each other)

Y’know, just...one big fuck pile.

Knuckles: ...ok.

Shadow: Sounds good to me.

Omega: If this is how we die, I have something I need to get off my chest.

Rouge: Yes, Omega?

Omega: I...did not care for The Godfather.

Rouge, Shadow, and Topaz: What?

Omega: Did not care for The Godfather.

Shadow: How can you even say something like that?

Omega: Did not like it.

Rouge: Omega, it's so good. It's like the perfect movie.

Omega: That is what everyone says, I just don't--

Shadow: Robert de Nero? Al Pacino? You've never even seen--? Robert Duvall!

Omega: All fine actors. Didn't like the movie.

Topaz: Why not?

Omega: Couldn't get into it.

Rouge: Explain yourself. What did you not like about it?

Omega: It insists upon itself, Rouge.

Rouge: What??

Omega: It insists upon itself

Rouge: What does that even mean?!

Shadow: It has a valid point to make! It's insistent!

Omega: It takes forever getting in, it goes on for like six-and-a-half hours--I couldn't even finish the movie. I didn't even see the ending.

Shadow: You didn't even see the ending?!

Topaz: Well, how can you say you don't like it if you don't even give it a chance?

Rouge: I agree with Topaz. It's not very fair.

Shadow: (Shaking head): Outrageous.

Omega: I tried on three separate occasions. I would get to the part where all the guys sit around in the room.

Rouge: That's a very good scene.

Omega: It's not good! I couldn't understand what anyone was saying. They were speaking some other language...

Shadow: They're speaking Italian!

Rouge: What they were speaking is the language of subtlety, something you wouldn't understand.

Omega: I like The Money Pit. That is my response to that statement.

Rouge: Exactly.

Omega: Well, there you go.

Rouge: Whatever.

Silver: Now, this is just sad.

Shadow: I know. How stupid does he think we are?

Sonic: (Suddenly appears): Ooh, cheese! 😛

Rouge: Hey, guys! What happened in here?

Shadow: Watch your step. I just finished sweeping up the goldfish.

Rouge: We have goldfish?

Shadow: Not anymore. Someone smashed that new aquarium I had set up just last night.

Omega: It was not me.

Shadow: I believe you, man. (Doorbell rings) And now the faker and/or his pet morons are bugging us again. I told you we should have gotten an electric fence.

Rouge: And I told you we are not tripling the electric bill to make the neighbors paranoid. I'll get it.

Shadow: Omega, hide me! (Omega suddenly throws a large blanket over him) (Muffled): This isn't any good! Quit fooling around!

Amy: Seems like you're doing that plenty(Shadow: [Startled]: Jesus!) Hi. (^ ^)

Shadow: Did You wipe your feet? I just swept the carpet. Also, what do you want?

Amy: Sonic and Tails are out for the whole day, and I'm bored. I was thinking I could hang out with you guys today.

Shadow: Don't you hang out with those rabbit girls or that overweight fisherman?

Amy: Cream and her mom are busy with their new Chao Garden...

Omega: That sounds nice.

Amy: ...and I haven't seen Big for three days.

(Meanwhile, inside the belly of a giant fish in Mystic Swamp)

Big: Don' worry, Froggy ol' buddy, I just gotta light a fire like that lil' puppet in them cartoons, and we'll be scott free! (Starts fire) It's workin'! (Belching noise, they get splashed with stomach fluids, putting out the fire) Dagnabbit!

(Back at the house)

Rouge: I'm sure he's fine. I guess we could hang out at Westopolis Plaza. There's always something to do there. Well, usually.

Shadow: Yeah, the doctor kinda wrecked the place in the Phantom Ruby war.

Omega: All the good restaurants did survive the war, as well as the movie theater.

Shadow: And the arcade! I know you want to go there.

Amy: That sounds like fun!

Rouge: Then it's settled! Let's go!

(Three hours later, at a Soleannan restaurant in Westopolis Plaza)

Rouge: So, Amy, how's that spaghetti?

Amy: This is wonderful! There's a great balance between the garlic and the parmesan.

Shadow: I've gotta say, the beef in the ravioli is exceptionally juicy and savory today. Just the way I like it.

Rouge: You should let our server know. He seemed kind of anxious for some reason.

Shadow: You mean the teenager with the buckteeth? Yeah, I've been seeing him around since Spring Burger.

Amy: I just figured you tend to intimidate people. No offence.

Shadow: None taken, and I mean it this time. By the way, what are you doing?

Amy: I'm getting ready to take a selfie of all of us.

Shadow: In the middle of lunch?

Amy: I wanna take it while there's still food. The pic wouldn't look that good with dirty plates.

Rouge: I take pride in my selfies, too, but I never pegged you as a selfie addict.

Amy: Okay, I can explain. I have entire blog posts dedicated to you guys.

Shadow: About us? Can we see?

Amy: Absolutely! 😍✨ (Passes phone without hesitation)

Shadow: "The Rosy Rascal"? There's some stuff on anime and video games. I can see there's posts about the faker and the rest of your friends.

Rouge: Here we are! Hey, this is a great photo of us.

Omega: "Team Dark are some of the coolest heroes on the planet! They have so much hardcore skill and raw power, and yet they can still stay so mature and organized, paid in no small part of their smart and confident leader, Rouge the Bat!"

That is...unexpectedly sincere.

Rouge: You really think I'm smart? =D

Amy: I wouldn't have posted that if I didn't mean it. ^///^

Shadow: I guess the faker isn't the only one you fawn over, huh?

Rouge: At least you have good taste.

Shadow: Is there anything dedicated to me?

Amy: Here! This is my review of you. ❤

Shadow: "Shadow the Hedgehog may seem like a scary rebel that will beat you to a pulp for looking at him wrong, but I know he's a hard-working man who only wants to do good. Take it from this rascally fangirl, Shadow; we love you!"

Omega: My readings show that your heart just skipped a beat.

Rouge: Aw, how precious. ❤

Shadow: (Embarrassed): Keep it down, people are gonna hear...(Suddenly notices Dave)

Dave: Uh...(6 6)"

Shadow: I think that's the bill. Let's split it and go.

(Whispering to Dave): Hey, don't tell anyone what my friends were saying, and I'll triple your tip.

Dave: You got a deal!

Rouge: C'mon, Shadow, let's go!

Shadow: I'm coming!

Dave: Thank you for choosing Helena's! Ciao and come again!

Amy: How's this, guys? "Just had the best Soleannan meal with Team Dark! #BlackRose"

Rouge: Great photo, sweetie, but I'm sure about the hashtag.

Shadow: (Scoffs) Typical blog branding.

Amy: I bet I'm the better gamer.

Shadow: Bull.

Amy: You wanna bet? There's the arcade. Best two out of three on Tekken.

Shadow: Easy enough!

(40 minutes later in the arcade)

(Amy 2, Shadow 1)

(Any and all real-life intellectual properties, including Sonic, belong to their respective owners)

(In front of Rouge and Tails' houses)

Sonic: Mornin', neighbor!

Rouge: Good morning, Sonic! Good morning, Tails.

Tails: Uh...morning. (6 6)"

Rouge: Ahem, I think Omega has something he wanted to say.

Sonic: What a coincidence; Tails wanted to tell you something, too.

Rouge: Omega...

Omega: I am sorry for what I said the other day. I behaved very childishly and insensitive. Your admiration for your friend their does make you any less or more of a genius, likewise for myself with Shadow.

Tails: I'm sorry, too. I went out of line, I said some things I shouldn't have; I hope we can still be friends.

Omega: Acknowledged. (Shakes Tails' hand)

Sonic: Aww, that's nice. 😊 I hope this means we can hang out again soon, Shaddy!

Shadow: I'm choosing to ignore you. We should probably get going, Rouge!

Sonic: Where are you going?

Rouge: Oh, I was just taking the boys shopping at the mall.

Amy: (Suddenly appears): The mall? Can we come?

Rouge: If your friends help with the bags, sure! ❤

Sonic and Tails: Say what now?

Shadow: You heard the lady. You're going to carry their bags, just like Omega and I do every Monday.

Tails: That doesn't quite explain why Sonic and I have to come do it.

Rouge: Because there's two of us shopping. We're going to need the assistance we can get. :P

Sonic: I don't think I'd like that.

Shadow: (Eyes shooting daggers): You will suffer as I do.

Sonic: Uh...😥

Amy: Don't be such a baby, Sonic. It's just carrying bags. Tell you what, if you do a good job, I'll make you those cupcakes you like.

Sonic: Really? 😍

Amy: Really, really! ❤

Sonic: Yay! I'll do it!

Amy: Hey, Shadow! Come over here!

Shadow: What is it?

Amy: (Whispering): After Rouge and I finish our share of the shopping, if I could convince her to let me borrow you for a bit, I want to take you somewhere; just the two of us.

Shadow: (Eyes dart from side to side)...Why?

Amy: Don't tell the others, but I want to take you to game shop with me.

Shadow: That's all? Why are being so secretive about that?

Amy: Normally, I'd take Tails, but you remember what happened at Spring Burger. I banned him from video games for a week for that.

Shadow: Really? Okay, I suppose I could come along.

Amy: Yes!

Rouge: Are you done over there? We gotta beat the sales rush!

Shadow: We're coming!

(One hour later, at the Westopolis Shopping Mall)

Tails: (Vision obscured by shoe boxes): I could use a little help.

Sonic: I would if I could, buddy, but my hands are pretty full. Also, the rest of my arms, shoulders, waist, and my aching back!

Omega: MALFUNCTION. EXCEEDING LOAD WEIGHT LIMIT. HYDRAULICS JAMMING.

Shadow: (Heavy breathing) Whoever came up with the idea of "fashion trends" should've been put in prison!

Rouge: Alright, boys, just set everything down right here for now.

Shadow, Omega, Sonic, and Tails: (Drops packages, boxes, and bags down next to a bench as neatly but quickly as they could, sighing loudly and collapsing)

Amy: You guys want anything to drink? I can give you change for drinks from that vending machine over there.

Sonic: (Exhausted): Please. (Gets change) What do ya wanna drink, Shaddy?

Shadow: Nothing unless it's your blood in a cocktail.

Sonic: So, you don't want any? (Shadow glares) I'll be right back.

Rouge: Anyway, Shadow, I still don't know why you didn't want me to get Amy pieces like mine.

Shadow: The same reason I hate fakes of me. You're a marvelous specimen, sweetheart. We don't need a hundred cheap Rouge knock-offs running around. No offence, Amy.

Amy: None taken. I think. Anywho, when he can move again, could I take him somewhere for a minute?

Rouge: What for?

Amy: Well, uh...

Shadow: Uh, FLOWERS! She's seen our garden and wanted me to help pick flowers for hers(?)

Rouge: Oh! Well, you did plant a lovely garden for our house, sugar. ❤ Alright, you can borrow him.

Amy: Thank you! Ready to go, Shadow?

Shadow: (Struggling up, cracking back) Yeah, I'm good. Let's go.

So, did you really ban Prower from video games? I would've thought he had the authority in that house since he paid for it and all.

Amy: Oh, we Sonic Heroes are all equals. That means we're all equally responsible for each other, and in this case, I had to put on the mom pants with Tails.

Shadow: Heh! I would think you'd say the same thing he did in defence of the faker.

Amy: Maybe. But, as smart as Tails is, he's still a little boy. As his senior, I gotta set a good example. Anyway, we're here!

So, what were you planning on getting, Shadow?

Shadow: Nothing in particular. I mostly wanted a break from carrying clothes.

Amy: Well, I needed to finally get the new Pokémon. So, what should it be: Sword or Shield?

Shadow: I can't help you there. I don't really play Pokémon.

Amy: Whaaat?

Shadow: I'm just not really interested. I don't really do pets, let alone virtual pet games.

Amy: Maybe you'd like Fire Emblem? The newest game is about training a school for soldiers. You like doing that for G.U.N., right?

Shadow: Fire Emblem seems like one of those busy games, and I'm busy in real life. Maybe I'll just put money on No More Heroes 3.

Amy: Ooh! I better make a mental note to get that one.

Dave: Hello, are you ready to check--Oh, no.

Shadow: Hey, aren't you that kid that works at Spring Burger?

Dave: Yes, and you're friends with the big robot that got in an argument with an 11-year-old over you.

Shadow: (Glaring): Are you trying to say something about me?

Dave: (Scared): No, sir. Did you fine folks find everything okay?

Amy: Yep. I'd like a new copy of Pokémon Sword, and my friend here wanted to preorder a game.

Dave: Are you two purchasing separately or is this all one transaction?

Shadow: I'll be using my own money for my preorder.

Dave: (Beep!) There you go, Ma'am. And what was the game you wanted to reserve, sir?

Shadow: (Holds out 10 ring banknote): I'm putting ten rings down in No More Heroes 3.

Dave: (Nervously): Ah, of course. (Completes transaction, hands over receipt) You're all set. Have a good day.

Amy: Let's go, Shadow! Everyone's probably ready to go home.

Shadow: I'm coming!

Amy: Quick question. What was that about you planting a garden. I have seen it in your lawn, and it is very nice. It's just--and don't take this the wrong way--I never would've guess that was your doing.

Shadow: (Reluctant): It's just something I did for Rouge's birthday last year. That's all.

Amy: Aww, Shadow, that's so nice of you!

Tails: Hey, guys! Where are the flowers?

Shadow: Well, it's already done, so there's no need to keep quiet about it; Amy and I actually went to the game shop.

Tails: Aw, man! Really?

Amy: You can come next time. You're not allowed to play games again yet, Tails.

Tails: But we're fine, now. We were just talking about aerodynamics.

Omega: Miles has learned a lot from being a pilot.

Rouge: Well, this has been fun, but it's about time we go home. Shadow, if you please.

Shadow: Chaos Control! (Teleports everyone and all their stuff back to their houses)

Tails: Alright, if there isn't anything else you need us to do for you, I think we'll be on our way. Right, Sonic?

Sonic: Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. You all have good--

Shadow: (Grabbing Sonic and Tails' shoulders, emanating an aura of doom): As a matter of fact, if you could help us take Rouge's bags all the way up to her room, that would be great.

Sonic: Uh...okay. I'll just ask Amy to give us a hand--

Tails: Sonic? She already went inside the house.

Shadow: Oh, right! Her bags are still out here, too. You can bring those in yourself after your finished with Rouge's.

Sonic: (Knocking on window)

Rouge: What's he doing?

Shadow: Just ignore him and enjoy what little quiet we could possibly get today.

Sonic: (Knocking more frantically)

Omega: THAT IS VERY DISTRACTING. I WILL DEAL WITH HIM MYSELF IF I HAVE TO. (Quickly opens window)

Sonic: (Dashes inside) Thanks, Omega!

Omega: (Points arm turrets at Sonic) YOU WILL LEAVE THIS HOUSE IMMEDIATELY.

Sonic: Aah! You wouldn't shoot an angel, would you? (Points at fake wings he's wearing)

Rouge: Weapons down, Omega. First question: What were doing knocking on our window?

Sonic: Your doorbell wasn't working.

Shadow: Probably because you and your housemates keep coming over and ringing it constantly!

Rouge: Second question: What's with the outfit?

Sonic: It's Valentine's Day! It's my tradition to be a Valentine's angel and deliver cards with my trusty bow and arrow.

Rouge: That sounds kind of dangerous.

Sonic: Don't worry, I haven't hurt anyone with my arrows. An angel's aim is always true.

Shadow: I don't see any arrows.

Sonic: Oh, right. Slight problem; when I woke up this morning, my bow and arrow set was missing. I know for sure I hung them in my closet wear I would definitely see them, but I couldn't find them anywhere. Tails and Amy haven't even seen them.

Rouge: That's odd. So, what are you doing here now?

Sonic: To make up for losing my arrows, I've come to deliver your cards myself, and give each of you a kiss on the cheek! ❤

Shadow: You can't be serious with that last part.

Sonic: (Overly dramatic): The love I have for you all is no laughing matter, Shaddy.

Rouge: I think that's adorable. If it's all the same, I'll go first for you!

Sonic: Yay! (Gives Valentine's card): Happy Valentine's Day, Rouge!

Rouge: (Brings Sonic in for hug): Happy Valentine's Day, Sonic!

Sonic: (Kisses her on the cheek) You're next, big guy!

Omega: UNDERSTOOD.

Sonic: (Kisses Omega on the cheek) Oh, Shaddy! ❤

Shadow: Do I have too?

Rouge: Aww, c'mon Shaddy, it's Valentine's Day.

Shadow: When did you start calling me "Shaddy"?

Rouge: I wanted to before, but I forgot.

Shadow: Can you just give me that Valentine's card and we can call it a day?

Sonic: But Shaddyyyyyy...!

Shadow: No "buts." I don't swing that way.

Sonic: Ooh! There are swings? Where?

Shadow: I mean I'm straight.

Sonic: Straight? (Frantically looking all over Shadow's body)

Shadow: What are you doing now???

Sonic: I'm trying to find where your straight, but you're so curvy and junk.

Shadow: I am going start endlessly hurting you if you don't leave in ten seconds.

Rouge: Whoa! Hold it! Shadow, just along with this. It's just one little smooch on the cheek. Besides, he's probably not going to leave until you do. So, either you take a kiss for a few seconds, or have him stick around whining for the rest of the day.

Shadow: Oh, God. Eh...Okay. You're right.

(Deep breath) Alright, faker. Let's get this over with.

Sonic: Yay! (Lunges onto Shadow, gives a big kiss on his cheek): Mmmmmmmmwah!(Shadow: Uuuuuuuugh...!) Well, my work here is done. Off to spread more love and Valentine's cheer! Bye!

Rouge: Bye, Sonic! Happy Valentine's Day!

Shadow: Yeah. Happy Valentine's Day.

Omega: VALENTINE'S GREETINGS, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

(Door closes)

Shadow: (Wiping face)Bleeeech! You happy, Rouge?

Rouge: Maybe a little.

Omega: I AM AWARE SONIC IS VERY EXCESSIVE, BUT AT LEAST HE MEANS WELL.

Shadow: At least with that airhead gone, we can go back to our actual Valentine's Day tradition of having a relaxing and quite day just the two of us.

Rouge: I would be happy to do that. It's better Sonic than--

Knuckles: (Outside, blaring Player's "Baby Come Back" on a boom box) Rouge the Bat! Will you be my Valentine?!