#ten thoughts

This will be your one and only spoiler warning.

And i actually somewhat familiar with one due to @asritca but it nice to have the English version.

my new first post. i decided to private most of my content instead of creating a new Tumblr from scratch. not sure why i felt such a strong urge to do so. it's not like anyone reads my posts & almost no one from real life knows about it. i was driven by this overwhelming urge to reset, to start over. as silly (& time-consuming) as it was, i did feel a lot better after coming back to an almost blank slate.

I've slowly been shifting into who I'm meant to be. that's probably one of the best things about moving somewhere new, where I know maybe 2 people. I've been really happy with my routines and not having to take anyone else into consideration. but letting go can be lonely, esp when I held onto certain identities and ideas for so long. I'm not quite sure what to fill that space with. But I know it's time to let go. It's served its purpose and now i no longer feel the same.

For the first time in probably ten years, this is the most inconsistent I have been with electronic music. I'm not excited by any of it. I'm even less excited by the prospect of festivals. i went to a few shows in brooklyn but i felt like i was only trying to chase a feeling. it's a strange thing to face. i thought maybe i was in a slump. i didn't want to believe that maybe I'm becoming one of those ppl who outgrow this phase of life. but all the signs are there. I unfollowed all the rave ig accounts i used to watch religiously. I no longer listen to or update my playlists. I can't name any songs that have really pulled me into the depths of layered complexity. It's fucking weird honestly. i don't think electronic music and shows will go away completely from my life, but i think, for the time being, it's one of my last priorities

you know when you have those thoughts that haunt you a little? where you wonder if maybe it's you that's the problem? I've been in that state as I've navigated through this new life.

i'm so glad i didn't choose to live in the city (tho tbh it was out of my budget anyways lol). i love my space. it's old but it's charming. i am surrounded by good food and small local businesses. i loved it the moment i moved in, minus the few dead cockroaches that appeared out of the abyss. however, when i met some people and told them where i lived, they looked at me as if i said i chose to live on mars. i went over to a few apts and wondered if I made the wrong choice. i have no city view. the kitchen was small af and probably older than i am. there's no doorman. no in-unit laundry or dishwasher. and then i felt dumb trying to chase some sort of illusion of what type of place i 'should' be living in. my studio doesn't feel like home just yet but I've always been happy to return back to it and i think that's all that matters

i feel like my old life is dead. i mean, it is in the past. but it's crazy how only four months on the other side will make me feel like there's a bigger disconnect between the before and after. it feels more like four years have passed by.

making friends is hard af. it's like online dating. you gotta meet a shit ton of people just to find a few that you like. and the ones you do like also have a lot of other choices waiting for them. you gotta schedule something again within the next week at least before the opportunity drops off into the abyss. and then on top of it, you gotta deal with ghosting and people who just want to use you for something. it's fucking exhausting. I've met a few cool ppl and a few potentials i think? like there's no shortage of people to hang with but i still feel a bit like an alien when i go to these group things.

life is so short. and everything can be taken from you at any moment.

i can't believe i had a celery juice phase earlier this year. like what the fuck kind of dark spot was i in LOL

You shouldn't. Fookin' SM needs to get their shit together when it comes to their groups. Also, I need our boys to come home safe from the military, so we can get some good stuff.

I think what's going to happen with SuperM is that they'll be on hiatus for a little while, until members get through mandatory military service (Kai will be gearing up to go, I can feel it). But, hopefully I'm wrong, and we get a sequel to "Jopping".

Hahaha 150%

The strongest worded text messages about how he should have waited on him to go with him. How he could have helped him. How they could have helped each other.

Could you imagine how easily Ten and WinWin would have taken to the activity? Like they 100% have already done it. Like no question. Their strength is ridiculous. Johnny is crazy strong too but pole dancing takes like a different kind of strength that he will have to grow accustom to.

Again, he did sooooo well and learned SO quickly.

Oh I have seen the instagram posts and oh my god that man is one HELL of a thirst trap. He looks so freaking good. It is literally unfair.