"Hey," Ausse said. "I just wanted to say goodbye to you before I head out."

"You're leaving?" Daanah said. "Like- For good?"

"This was always going to be a temporary alliance," Ausse said. "We no longer have a common cause."

"Oh."

"Aren't you going home, anyway?" Ausse said.

"For my coming of age," Daanah said. "I… I'd hoped you were coming."

"Well." Ausse leaned against the doorframe. "Do you want me to be there?"

Daanah shrugged listlessly. She really did, but she didn't want to come across as needy, or embarrass herself if Ausse didn't want to come.

"You're from Kulainestainer, right?" Ausse said.

"Yeah." Daanah pulled on one of her locs. "It's later this cycle. The thirty-third of Seshasai."

She had told Miwaanii-Shémelús she expected him to be there. Kéchawaedrii-Orl would probably be there too even though she hadn't asked hir and would honestly, given Miwaanii-Shémelús's recent revelations, rather ze not come. All of her friends and family. Her neighbours. Everyone was going to be there.

Except Fiyavu Ozast.

"Well, you know," said Ausse. "I might happen to be in the area then."

"Okay."

"Can't believe you haven't even been of age this whole time," Ausse said.

Daanah shrugged. "I'm fifteen. My birthday is just a lot earlier. I actually turned fifteen ages ago, but in Kulainestainer we don't have the coming-of-age until almost the end of the year."

"Are there a lot of you this year?"

"About a dozen," Daanah said. "It's never very many. Kulainestainer's not very big."

"You Dalahe tend to have pretty small communities, don't you?" Ausse said. "Not like us." Ausse was Schwany Norve, like most of Sautgurotays.

Daanah nodded.

"Is my Dalac good enough?" Ausse said.

"There are a lot of cognates," said Daanah, who had been mostly speaking Dalac this whole time and had only realized several tensegs into their trip that Kéchawaedrii-Orl and Miwaanii-Shémelús were actually speaking Schwany and not just Dalac with a strong accent and occasional regional slang. She couldn't read Schwany fluently, but apparently she could understand it when spoken pretty well, and it seemed to go the other way too. "You'll be fine. I don't speak much Schwany."

Ausse raised her eyebrows. "Alright, then. I'll see you."

This would be Daanah's first time actually getting her hair cut more than a trim to keep it healthy. Her hair was a different texture than most other Norves, so Saafeera always took her to the Gathiya Na Theenan hair salon in the city. They'd had a consultation the other day about what Daanah wanted.

"It will take a while," Ghiyafee, the hairdresser who always did Daanah's, had said. "You have a lot of hair. I'll be gentle, but the combing will probably hurt your scalp somewhat."

So Daanah had brought the mystery she was reading and a second book in case she finished the first. She wasn't really one for chatting. Saafeera and Ghiyafee always talked while Daanah got her hair done.

"You said you want it short like your mama's?" Ghiyafee said.

Daanah nodded. She had the urge to pull at her hair. Dalahe Norves usually got their long childhood hair cut very short for their comings-of-age. It was symbolic of the transition into a new phase of life.

"How has the picking been lately?" Ghiyafee asked.

Daanah shrugged. "Reyal helps."

"Good, good." Ghiyafee pulled one of Daanah's long locs over her shoulder so she could see it in the mirror and pinched her fingers around it just above the height of her glasses. "I'm going to cut it here to begin with so there will be space to fine-tune the ends once it's all picked out."

Daanah nodded again and reminded herself that this was a good change.

Saafeera smiled at her encouragingly.

"This is my first real haircut," Daanah said quietly. "Like… ever."

"It's her coming-of-age soon," Saafeera said.

"That's certainly exciting," Ghiyafee said.

Daanah swallowed. "Yeah."

"You nervous?"

"…Yeah," she said. "A little."

In the mirror, Ghiyafee nodded. "Well, if I have anything to do with it, your hair will look perfect for it."

Ghiyafee had been right about the tugging hurting her scalp. She gritted her teeth and read as Ghiyafee cut- the change in weight as the locs fell to the ground one by one was disconcerting- and then combed and talked with Saafeera.

She had been right about it taking a while, too. Saafeera left and came back with lunch at one point and they took a break. Daanah nearly finished her book. She did her best not to look up, not wanting to see it until it was done.

She had worried about how expensive all that work would be, but Saafeera had told her that her coming-of-age was one of the most important days of her life and she wasn't going to let Daanah have anything less than what she wanted for it and that it was her aunt Chaariya's gift too.

Ghiyafee was especially careful working in the conditioner afterwards; she knew how sensitive Daanah's scalp always was. "You'll want to be gentle with it for a little while. It's fragile now; don't try to braid anything in. Let it rest."

Daanah made an affirmative noise.

"Alright," Ghiyafee said excitedly. "Take a look."

Daanah cautiously looked up at the mirror. "Oh!"

"Do you like it?"

Daanah touched her short, tight curls, careful not to let herself pull. "I… had forgotten what my hair looks like loose."

"It looks beautiful," Saafeera said.

"I think so," said Daanah. She mostly felt overwhelmed. It was very different and would take a bit of time for her to get used to, but she was sure she would like it a lot once she did.

The evening before Daanah's coming of age, Ailít tapped her on the shoulder and signed "I have something for you."

She pulled Daanah into her and Fiya's section of the starhouse. Fiya lay asleep in the middle of the bed, the baby monitor next to em paired with the vibrating one Ailít wore on a string around her neck.

Daanah looked at the lack of barriers around em anxiously.

"Ey doesn't roll yet, and your mum says it will be a good while before ey does, so I'm not worried about looking away for a couple minutes," Ailít signed. "I wouldn't do anything that wasn't safe."

Daanah nodded.

Ailít turned away for a moment to open her jewellery box while Daanah watched Fiya's tiny chest rise and fall.

Ailít put a handful of metal revaap pins with little beaded flowers on the ends into Daanah's hands. "These belonged to Fiyavu Ozast," she signed. "I want you to have them. I know Rovian wears her revaap more, but they're not really her style, and I thought you would like them for your coming-of-age."

Daanah burst into tears.

All of Kulainestainer was here- and then some.

"This is exciting for you," said Talí, sounding semi-confident.

Daanah nodded. "Yes." She fiddled with one of the pins Ailít had given her and added, "I wish Fiyavu Ozast were here."

Talí held her hand in an attempt at comfort that Daanah appreciated.

She spotted Miwaanii-Shémelús at the edge of the village square, looking very lost, so she pulled Talí in that direction, away from her cluster of friends and family. "I want to introduce you."

"Miwaanii-Shémelús, this is my best friend Talí," said Daanah. "Talí, Miwaanii-Shémelús."

She didn't try to define her relationship with Miwaanii-Shémelús for other people anymore. She could barely define it for herself. He mattered to her, and that was enough.

Talí's eyes landed on Miwaanii-Shémelús's pair of ribbon-wrapped braids and they started speaking to him in Kelétsowif.

Miwaanii-Shémelús's whole body perked up as (to Daanah's limited understanding) he asked if they were Se-Naskan and they responded in the affirmative.

Ausse found her then, nowhere to be seen one moment and beside her the next, shadowed by Ptoled and Ffeira.

"You made it," Daanah said. She hadn't been sure they would.

"We were in the area."

Kéchawaedrii-Orl was here.

Daanah was not able to stop her displeasure showing on her face.

"I would like to officiate your coming-of-age," ze said.

"No," Daanah said.

Kéchawaedrii-Orl raised hir eyebrows.

"I've known Curain my whole life," Daanah said. Ze was Kulainestainer's senior priest- though Kéchawaedrii-Orl might not know hir name; Daanah's estimation of hir respect for other people had plummeted drastically and she no longer assumed ze would. "I want to do it like everyone else. This is how we do it. If you've ever respected me as a person-" She knew ze hadn't- "and if you want me to keep working with you, you won't interfere."

"You sound very defensive," said Kéchawaedrii-Orl.

"I want Curain to do it," said Daanah flatly.

The thirteen of them were lined up based on birthday order, which meant Daanah was fourth.

A very small stage had been erected in the village square, about a foot off the ground- a ramp, then space for the senior priest and one other person to stand comfortably, then a ramp back down, and that was it. Daanah had been on a lot of stages recently, but this was the one she had always anticipated. This was, in some ways, the most important one.

She winced slightly as she accidentally ripped a hair out of her arm. Reyal was with her family, but maybe Daanah should have kept her with her to help her stay calm. She didn't want to freeze.

"Your turn, Daanah," the girl behind her whispered, and Daanah almost panicked at the realization that she had lost touch with the now.

Butterfly wings on her bare arms, butterfly wings uncomfortable under her clothes.

She stepped forward.

"Child of Maidallis Leykin and Saafeera Riwazee," Curain said. "What is your name now?"

Daanah tried to speak and failed. She swallowed and tried again. "Daanah Chaariya Addeyn Leykin Riwazee."

She heard Saafeera cheer, and blushed with equal parts embarrassment and pride.

"What gender do you want to live as, Daanah Chaariya Addeyn Leykin Riwazee?"

Curain hadn't approved of her initially, but ze had become a strong ally with time, never tolerating anyone being disrespectful. Everyone in Kulainestainer was pretty much used to it by now, even the most traditional of them. No one who came to their village to see the Scribe of the South got very far if they didn't treat her right.

"I'm a woman," Daanah said. The butterfly wings split into a different shape, belying her anxiety. She reassured herself that even if some people had probably expected her to just grow out of it, no one here would disrupt the ceremony over it.

Curain informed her of her rights and responsibilities as a Dalahe Norve adult.

"When you are next upon the ground," ze said, "you will be an adult of our community."

Daanah nodded.

She steadied herself and stepped into her future.

Masterpost Chapter 70 Epilogue: Jue Epilogue: Halek Epilogue: Zhe'ārani

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Juraji had to cover them with an illusion to get into Moghrlai Gurodstadit.

Halek looked down at the uniform xe'd conjured up. "I'm going to puke."

"You've become the thing you hate most," said the voice.

Can you actually just shut up, Halek thought.

"It's just until we get to your house," said Juraji. "I changed your face, too. Just in case."

Halek examined his empty hand. It very much did not look like it belonged to him. The brown of his skin was way too light, the fingers too long and slender, the nails too unbitten. Morbidly curious, he extended his other arm slightly and found that he appeared to have a right hand, something that had never been the case before and that felt entirely disconnected from him. "Hmph."

"Is it okay?" said Juraji. "I've only been here once, when you brought me to meet your family last year. I'm not very familiar with-"

"It's fine." Halek closed his (real) fist and let his other arm drop. "Hurts to walk without my cane. Even with the brace. We'll have to go slowly so I don't pop my hip and fall."

Rāmian soldiers did not use wheelchairs or walking sticks, and changing their appearances was enough work for Juraji to maintain without having to alter Halek's gait too.

"I need you to look at me and tell me if I've gotten anything wrong," said Juraji. "Nicely."

Halek grimaced and looked up.

Looking back at him was- someone else. Nothing like Juraji at all, apart from the height. A fully-uniformed Rāmian soldier.

Without meaning to, he took a half-step back.

"Convincing?"

"Yeah." A little too convincing, maybe.

"Good."

"Wait," said Halek. He cautiously touched the name patch on xir chest. "That can't be your name. That's just Juraji in Rāmiloq characters. Well- As close as you can get. Jarajē. It's not a Rāmiloq name."

He'd shown xem how to write their names in all the languages he knew once, and xe'd shown him how to write them in all the languages xe knew.

"Oh."

Halek braced himself and looked back down at his own chest. "Everything else is basically perfect, but Halāq is also not a Rāmiloq name."

"Oh." Juraji's shoulders slumped.

"It's okay, we can fix it," said Halek. "It's not a big deal, and you don't speak the language. There's, um- The Younger Empress when we were born was Haishionā. Or maybe she was the Elder Empress by then… I don't remember, she didn't last very long. And- Jaision is a pretty common name with most age groups, I think. The examples in word problems at school were always called stuff like Jaision. They do stuff with prophecies, too, but I'm not Senci and I don't really know how it works, and there are still trends. Rāmiloq names are gender-neutral so we can just grab whatever and it shouldn't be questioned."

Juraji cleared off a patch of dirt on the forest floor with xir foot. "Can you write those for me?"

"Yeah. We'll need family names too so-" Halek took a stick and scratched out two names. "I just got these from books so I hope they don't have connotations that will cause problems."

Rāmiloq had a lot of class stuff baked into it. He wasn't sure how much was connected to family names. They needed to be unremarkable.

Juraji did xir best to copy the names onto the illusory uniforms.

"Good," said Halek, although if one looked too close the characters might look a little wrong. It was good enough for a casual observer, and a very good impression for someone who didn't actually know that alphabet and had to just copy the words as pictures.

The ghost of a smile flitted across Juraji's face.

"I'll have to do the talking," Halek said grimly. Hopefully very little talking, to avoid both his panic and his local accent showing through.

Juraji nodded.

"If we can get into the city without being seen, no one should question us as we move through it," said Halek nervously. "Patrols around the perimeter are groups of six but inside the city a pair shouldn't be noticeable. If we get the timing right we should be fine."

Halek hadn't expected to be so scared coming home. What if they blamed him for what had happened at Ykseis? They should, but he didn't want his family to hate him.

They stood in the back yard of his house. Their front door was being watched, but their back neighbours weren't, as far as Halek and Juraji had been able to tell.

"Drop the illusion before we go in," said Halek. He didn't want to scare anyone.

Juraji flexed xir hands and the illusion disintegrated in a shower of blue sparks.

Halek scratched at the back of his neck and tried to reassure himself that there was nothing really there. Just- his mind playing tricks on him again. No cause for concern.

"Come on," he said, lowering his hand to find his key. He'd had it in his pocket when- when he'd left. The blood hadn't washed out of the coat, but he still had the key. "They'll remember you, except my aunt Saujei because she doesn't remember anyone and maybe Aedrii-Nú because she's little and it's been a year and maybe my grandfather because he's losing his memory. Well, and, you met one of my dads, and the others might not know you-" Rambling again. Delaying.

"Halek." Juraji put a hand on his arm. "I'm not worried. You can just introduce me again. I've been working on my Ðíúharlaesoghk. Maybe I'll be able to talk to them directly this time."

"Okay."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Halek said rotely. He wiggled his key in the lock. This door always stuck.

Tepaan-Bríné and Talí were in the kitchen when Halek pushed the door open, cutting vegetables and putting them into a big pot. Aedrii-Nú was sitting on the floor, not helping.

Talí saw them, but just sort of blinked and shook their head and looked back at the tubers. Halek guessed they maybe thought they were hallucinating.

Aedrii-Nú screamed and burst into tears, which stung, but given the context of when she'd last seen him Halek understood, and Tepaan-Bríné was finally roused from his focus.

"I'm home," Halek said awkwardly.

Halek's room was the same. It felt so dissonant, alien, to have everything identical to how he'd left it before the party.

It felt dangerous.

His neck itched.

"Juraji." He took a step back out the door, pushing xem with him. "I think the room's bugged."

"…Are you sure?" Juraji asked gently. "It would be pretty hard to get in past all your family to plant anything."

Halek was jittering all over. "I think I'm bugged."

"Halek."

"They could have," said Halek. "They could have put something under my skin when-"

"I can check," said Juraji. "It's okay. I can use my magic and I check you and I can check your room and I can get rid of anything I find. Okay?"

"Okay." That was good. That would tell him if his instincts were right or if it was really a delusion. "Thank you. For doing that. And for taking me seriously."

Juraji nodded and squeezed past him into his bedroom. "Give me a few minutes and I'll have this sorted out."

Xe spun in a slow circle, examining Halek's room, then after a long moment, xe spread xir arms and an electric blue film settled like dust over everything.

The hairs on Halek's arms stood on end with the static. He chewed his lip in silence.

The blue slowly faded away. "Nothing," said Juraji.

"Okay." Halek tried to believe Juraji. He stepped back in and closed the door. "Can you check me now?"

Juraji sat down on Halek's bed. "Yep. C'mere."

Halek sat next to xem. He couldn't enjoy being back on his own bed until he knew. "You can do my head first. It would have been easy to put something in with- the tattoo."

Juraji raised xir eyebrows. "The tattoo?"

"On my neck," Halek said uncomfortably. "It's, um. My number. From- I didn't put it there myself. Anyway. And I have a little one behind my ear, actually, for stability, I don't know if it really helps but that was the idea. There shouldn't be anything in my head and neck except the ink and my earring."

"Okay."

Halek took off his glasses so they wouldn't interfere.

"Is it okay if I touch you?" Juraji asked. "The contact will make it easier to look precisely."

Halek closed his eyes and nodded.

"Okay. Stop me if you need to." Juraji's hands settled on Halek's face.

He shivered.

"All good?"

"Your hands are cold," Halek answered honestly.

"Bad circulation," said Juraji. "It's genetic. My mother's hands were never warm."

"I'm good. Keep going."

"You might feel a bit of a shock," said Juraji, and Halek's skin flooded with static electricity.

It's okay. It's just Juraji.

"Hmm."

"What is it?" Halek asked anxiously. "Did you find something?"

"None of what you were thinking," said Juraji. "But you have cataracts developing."

"What?" Halek said, thrown off balance.

"You know. In your eyes. You should see someone about that."

Things had been blurrier, lately. He'd thought he just needed new glasses.

That was an extra complication he really didn't need right now. Eyes were delicate. Juraji couldn't fix them, or xe'd have said so.

"Fuck," he said.

"Mhm. I'm going to put my hands in your hair now to get a better look at your scalp, if that's okay, love."

"Okay." Nonetheless, he felt himself get tenser when Juraji's fingers wove into his roots, and stay tense until xir hands moved down to his neck.

"I can probably get rid of this, you know, if you don't like it," xe said as xir fingers traced the ink.

He wanted to say yes. Oh, how he wanted to say yes. But- "You can't," he said. It hurt to say. "Not yet. Until things change… If I'm caught and they see I've gotten rid of it, it will count against me, even if they can't prove anything else…"

"Okay," said Juraji. "Right. That part's done."

Halek opened his eyes and settled his glasses back on. He tugged off his shirt, then, feeling a little nauseous, started unbuttoning his pants. "Do the rest now."

"Hey." Juraji held out a hand. "You don't have to take all your clothes off at once. If it's more comfortable for you to do it in sections-"

"Oh." Halek dropped his hand, embarrassed he hadn't thought of that. Of course he didn't have to strip down completely. Of course Juraji wouldn't require that of him to do a search. "Right. Yeah."

He had a creeping suspicion that Juraji knew, even though Halek didn't remember telling xem, even though he'd never told anyone. Maybe it was just his paranoia, or maybe he'd said something during the gaps in his memory in Meelasugaado, or maybe Juraji had just figured it out on xir own.

"I've got some more tattoos," he said, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. "Obviously. And then my pump and I have a copper IUD. That's all that should be there."

"Okay. Gonna touch you now. Same thing with the mild shock."

Halek nodded.

Juraji was very gentle. Almost too gentle, fingertips ghosting across Halek's skin.

"I don't want you to have to compromise your principles for me," Halek blurted, partly because it had been weighing on him and partly because he couldn't bear to sit in silence during this.

"What do you mean?" Juraji asked, thumb slowing slightly as it skimmed over one of Halek's forearm tattoos.

"The pacifism stuff. I know it's important to you. I don't want you to have to sacrifice all that work for the rebellion, or to protect me." He didn't want Juraji to be contaminated by his violent nature.

"Yeah?" said Juraji. "I'm not worried about that. I'm really good with my magic. I don't expect to need to actually hurt anyone, and I don't have any qualms about property damage." Xe paused. "And, if it comes down to it, in a self-defence situation, or if you were in danger, I would protect you however I could. I can protect you better than anybody else in the world, and probably even without really hurting anyone, but I would if I really had to."

"Okay."

Xe grinned. "I'm your 'secret weapon', remember?"

"Yeah," said Halek. His voice felt small. "I just- care about you a lot more now than when I asked you to be that."

"I know, love," said Juraji. "I like it, anyway. Makes me feel important."

"You're important anyway," said Halek. He didn't want Juraji to think he only valued xem for what xe could do.

"It's okay," said Juraji. "Really."

"Okay."

Two of xir fingers settled on a pair of little bumps on Halek's side. "This scar is an odd-"

"It'sfromataser," Halek said, all very fast. It wasn't an unknown. They weren't surgical marks he hadn't been aware of that could be an insertion point for a tracker. "Don't want to talk about it."

"Oh," said Juraji. Then, darker, angrier: "Oh. I see. Does the electricity from my magic bother you?"

"It's just pins and needles."

"Okay." Juraji's hands moved further down his back. "Are you sure about the rest of this?"

"I need proof that I'm wrong."

He lay face-down and cried for a bit after that. Juraji hadn't found anything. He was still scared, still half-convinced there had to be something, but xe hadn't found anything.

He'd asked for a minute alone, and Juraji had said xe'd wanted to talk to Tepaan-Bríné (or Úsírae or Réswn or Ínaenow) about xir recent diagnosis of narcissism anyway because it was reassuring to find middle-aged adults with the same diagnosis with their life fairly together, so Halek had the space to finally let everything out. The past… days, tendays, years, had been a lot.

The dying fire alarm wasn't real, which unfortunately meant Halek couldn't cover his ears to escape the beeping. He had to admit that that did make him cry harder because it just would not stop.

There was a knock on the door. Probably Juraji.

"Come in," he called, not lifting his face off the pillow. They needed to sort out the floor bed.

"Hey," Míúren said.

Halek jumped, trying to hide that he'd been crying.

"I just wanted to check on you," she said. "We haven't had a chance to talk in private since you got home."

"Oh." Halek sat up and hoped his eyes weren't too red.

"Do you want to talk? We've been able to talk to your siblings and Aedrii-Nú about what happened at Ykseis and how they're doing with everything going on right now, but not you yet."

He hugged himself. "I don't want to worry you."

"Halek." Míúren sighed. "I'm always worried about you. That's how it is when you're a parent, especially now."

Especially me, Halek thought. He was such a mess. He was trying so hard not to be, and he was still such a mess.

"But you might get sick again if you worry about me too much," he mumbled. Cancer feeds on stress, he'd heard his uncle Jirit say to Juni once when they hadn't known he was listening. With all this stuff with Halek, I'm worried for her health. The voice liked to repeat it back to him whenever he was going through something.

"Oh," Míúren said softly. "Have you been carrying that around for a long time?"

Halek nodded and crumpled back into tears.

"I'm-" He hiccuped- "I'm sorry…"

She moved from her wheelchair to sit next to him on the bed, rubbing his back. "Halek, Halek, it's okay. I'm okay. I won't tell you the cancer won't come back, because no one can promise that, and I won't tell you that I'm not afraid it might, but the chances are low. I've been cancer-free for years, and the surgery removed everything and then some, and the medications keep the chances of a resurgence down to almost nothing, and if it does come back it will not be your fault. I didn't get sick from worrying about you, I got sick from my genetics and sheer bad luck."

"I know," Halek sobbed. "In- In my brain, intellectually, I know. B-But I'm scared… in my feelings it's my fault and I'm going to make it come back if I upset you out too much… I made you sick just by being pregnant with me, I made you sick by stressing you out…"

"Listen." Míúren squeezed his shoulders. "You are not responsible for my health. You never have been, and you never will be. My health is up to me, it's up to my doctors, it's up to my genes and the environment, it's up to the Kether-"

"I don't believe in-"

"Chance, then," said Míúren. "But it's not up to you, okay? I'm responsible for looking after you, not the other way around, because I am your mother and you are a teenager."

"I'm basically an adult," Halek said. "I should be able to look after myself."

"Nevertheless." Míúren gave him a be serious look. "Have you ever met any adult who can actually look after themself entirely on their own? Because I haven't."

"I know," said Halek, suddenly full of an entirely different shame. "Sorry. I know."

"I want to look after you," said Míúren. "I want to help you look after yourself. Adult or not. I love you, and I want to see you succeed, whatever success means for you. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me when you're having trouble because it might worry me. Of course it will worry me, but I'm okay with that and I can manage the stress it might cause me." She smiled at him. "I've been managing my stress more than twice as long as you've been alive. I promise I can take it."

"Do you really want to know how I'm doing?" Halek asked, looking at his knees. "It's not good."

"I do."

"I watched Yainogh-aer die, and the others, and I thought I was going to die too, and I killed someone." He wiped his nose on his sleeve. "I don't remember all the details, but I remember how scared I was. I thought we all might die."

Míúren nodded. "Talí told me how brave you were. They also thought you might not make it out, but you took that risk so that they would."

"Maybe," Halek said. Maybe he'd been brave. Or maybe more people would have survived if he hadn't fought back, given in to his violence. He would never know. "Things were really bad for a while in Meelasugaado. I would've let myself die if Juraji hadn't been really vigilant about me eating and taking my insulin. It's not an emergency anymore, but things are still… bad. Even though Juraji checked with xir magic I'm still convinced that there's a bug- like, a tracking device, a listening device, a mind-reading device, something- in my room or in me, and every time I close my eyes I see Yainogh-aer lying there in a puddle of blood with a hole in his head, and I'm so scared that's going to happen to everyone else I love too because I can't protect them, and- and the beeping won't fucking stop!" He gasped in a deep breath. "And it's just so lonely to live like this, to have so many different things I can't tell so many different people, because it's not safe or because they won't understand, to not be able to relate to normal teenagers who go to school and don't have to keep it secret or they have normal jobs and who have fun and who don't wake up panicked in the middle of the night and who aren't psychotic or bipolar or traumatized or scared all the time and who don't have to worry about being locked away again and who get to just live…"

"I know," said Míúren. "I'm so sorry you didn't get to have a good adolescence. I wish we could have protected you better."

"I wish I'd protected Yainogh-aer."

"Why should they care?" Halek said. "All we're doing is standing. They don't care that we're displeased."

"No," said Juni. "They don't. It's a twenty-four-hour warning that all the people standing today will be turning them out of the city tomorrow if they don't leave on their own."

"They won't," Halek said.

"No," said Juni. "I don't think so. But on the chance they do withdraw, or even a few individual soldiers desert and run away, we think it's worth it, because although we outnumber them by orders of magnitude and I believe we will win tomorrow, they have a lot more guns and a lot of us are probably going to die in the process."

So many people had died at Ykseis and they'd been no threat at all. "I just-"

"Then don't come, Haleksari." Ze gave him a stern look. "Our work alone has not been enough to drive them away. We have been organizing this for most of the time you've been gone. Twenty-one of the twenty-three units in the city agreed to be present as the closest thing they will have to actual security and emergency medics, and you were not her to vote on it, but by all means, stay home. I will be taking Juraji regardless."

"Obviously I'm coming," Halek said irritably. It was unfair of hir to judge him for fleeing, as if he hadn't- (a desperate urge to hide flooded him). Juni had been on the run for years while Míúren had been growing up. Halek had been gone for what, half a cycle?

"I'm coming too," Talí said.

Halek flinched.

He hated that he couldn't hear people coming up behind him.

"You didn't even tell me this was happening," Talí said accusa, swearingtorily. "I thought you agreed to trust me."

"I wasn't here until yesterday," Halek said. "I didn't know. How would I have told you?"

And, no, he hadn't told them after Juni had told him, because he'd watched Yainogh-aer die, because he had nightmares about watching Talí die, because their deal had explicitly not involved Talí being in the field.

Juni sighed and pinched the bridge of hir nose.

"I would go anyway," Talí said. "Everyone is. I want to be there as one of you."

"It's-" Halek began. Too dangerous.

Juni shushed him. "Talí. Do you understand what that means? If you are dressed like us, there as one of us, people will be relying on you, and you will be more of a target, and your life might become very difficult if they identify you later, and if anyone asks you must deny it."

"Yes," said Talí. "I was there at Ykseis. I was responsible for Roo and Aedrii-Nú." They swallowed visibly. "I watched him die too."

"Okay," said Juni.

Halek must have looked sour, because Juni turned to him and said, "Halek, you were hardly sixteen when I invited you to join us. Talí is able to understand what they are committing to, just as you were."

Talí gaped at him. "It's been that long? You're such a fucking hypocrite!"

"It was different," said Halek. "I wasn't a kid anymore." He hadn't been a kid for a long time by then.

"Nonsense," said Juni. "Yes, you were. You are. You were a kid who needed a way to fight back, and Talí already knows far more than they should."

That was his fault. Talí shouldn't know anything about QD.

"They deserve the same chance you got."

It was hot to be dressed like this, all in black and as covered up as possible.

He didn't complain. Juni was annoyed with him already, and there were more important problems, and he didn't actually need to be wearing a scarf for this to work because he was wearing a mask already and his hair was long enough to cover the tattoo on his neck but he was wearing one anyway so it was kind of his fault.

"Where's the baby?" he asked Ailít.

"With eir grandmother," Ailít signed, probably meaning Maidallis, since Saafeera was here. They wouldn't use names.

"Doing well?"

She nodded. "Ey's still a harsh eater. I've started pumping instead. Ey's cooing and moving eir limbs around more now."

"And you?"

Ailít laughed. It was a good sound to hear. He hadn't heard her laugh in a long time.

"Tired," she signed. "I hardly know what day it is. I'd love to sleep through the night. Eir grandmothers have taken eir overnight a few times, but I'm too anxious then to sleep well."

"Are you doing things for yourself?" Halek signed.

"I've taken up Rāmiq paper-folding," signed Ailít. "There's no room in my brain for reading anymore, but the baby's asleep a lot, so we have a lot of little colourful paper birds now. I thought I might put them up on a string."

Beside him, Talí tapped his elbow. "She's here."

"Okay." He gave Juraji a nod, and xe dropped the cover.

Dozens of clusters of people now converged around the mayor. Little islands became a big crowd behind her, with Halek and the others along the edge and scattered strategically throughout. There were more real press here than Halek had expected, with big cameras and vests proclaiming their affiliations that he hoped they didn't think were certain to protect them.

She set down a small stepladder in front of the garrison's outer wall and climbed up with a megaphone in her hand.

"I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE GENERAL," she said.

More polite in her language than Halek would be, but that was the kind of language a politician used.

It was only when she said it again in Rāmiloq that he caught up to the fact that she was prioritizing Ðíúharlaesoghk. She was the first Ðíúharlaes mayor of Moghrlai Gurodstadit in Halek's lifetime, but in official public addresses Rāmiloq was always the first language used, because it had to be.

"AS, DESPITE OUR MEETING EARLIER THIS CYCLE, THERE HAS BEEN NO INDICATION OF THE RESTRICTIONS ON THIS CITY'S CITIZENS BEING LIFTED OR OF THE MILITARY PRESENCE BEING LESSENED-"

Juraji gasped.

"Hm?" said Halek.

"Nothing," xe said quickly. "Don't worry about it."

Halek craned his neck to try to get a better view. Unlike Juraji, he wasn't really tall enough to see much below her head from here, with all the people in front of him.

Ailít, a little closer than him since they'd spread out, found his gaze and tapped her chest, then signed "Laser."

"Does she know?" said Talí.

Halek began to respond when the speakers on the outer wall interrupted him.

"RSWAIT-DHÀ BÉNÍMÉÁ," the speakers blared. "PER SECTION THREE OF THE WARTIME POWERS ACT 4073, YOU ARE COMMITTING TREASON. CEASE AND TURN YOURSELF IN AT ONCE OR YOU WILL BE EXECUTED WITHOUT TRIAL. THIS CROWD HAS FIVE MINUTES TO DISPERSE BEFORE THE FULL FORCE OF THE LAW IS BROUGHT AGAINST YOU. CONSIDER THIS YOUR ONLY WARNING."

"She knows," said Juni.

Mayor Rwsait-dhà was undeterred. "YOU HAVE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS TO WITHDRAW FROM THE MUNICIPALITY OF GREATER MOGHRLAI GURODSTADIT. RETREAT WITH GRACE OR SUFFER THE HUMILIATION OF BEING KICKED OUT BY THOUSANDS OF CIVILIANS WHO HATE YOU AND WANT YOU GONE."

Halek laughed nervously at the abrupt drop in professionalism.

"They wouldn't shoot her," said Talí uncertainly. "Everybody loves her. Well, except you, Isohi."

"They would," said Halek. He was trying to brace himself. If that happened, he didn't want to lose it. People would need him functional. "They'll do it later anyway, probably."

Juni raised hir eyebrows at Talí's words.

"You called her a corporate sellout last year for giving up on the noise pollution thing," they explained.

"In calmer times, you must critique everything your leaders do, whether you like them overall or not. In times of crisis, you take the allies you've got. Times have changed," said Juni, and no one could argue with that. "Béníméà knows the risk she is taking and that this will be the last act of her mayoralty and very possibly of her life. She has decided, as many before her have and many after her will, that some things are more important than her life. You accepted the risk in coming with us today, Talí; she has done the same, albeit with a more certain outcome."

"Oh," said Talí in a small voice.

Halek squeezed their shoulder.

"She knows how popular she is," said Juni. "If they make an example of her, they make her a martyr, and that will be a mistake, and she knows that."

For a woman who knew she was probably about to die, Mayor Rwsait-dhà looked very sure of herself. Warnings given and recieved, she did not move from her stepladder.

Halek looked at his watch and tried to focus on the tick of the second hand to the exclusion of his mounting panic. The five minutes were nearly up.

There was nothing he would be able to do to stop it. He would never get through the crowd in time, and he had to stay with the inexperienced Talí and Juraji, and if this was the fate Mayor Rwsait-dhà had chosen and accepted for herself then that was how it had to be.

"She's so brave," said Talí.

Halek was tired of everyone having to be so brave.

He wasn't brave. He didn't want to see it happen.

The shot rang out exactly at the five-minute mark.

Halek felt his racing heart skip a beat as he flinched. Having expected it, he just barely managed not to throw himself and Talí to the ground and into other people's feet.

There was screaming. Not his.

It was happening again.

He should have pushed back harder on Talí coming. Why hadn't they listened to him? He'd known this was a bad idea, that the army wouldn't withdraw, that they shouldn't have given warning.

Juni pulled him close with one hand and Talí with the other.

"Wait, wait," Juraji said. "I've got it. I wasn't-" A choked sound- "I wasn't fast enough, I'm always slow, but I've got it now. Halek, can you hear me? Do you see? I've got it."

"Oh," said Juni. "Oh, good work."

"Halek?" Juraji asked again.

Talí tucked themself against Halek's side, forcing their way into his field of vision. "Look up," they said.

He didn't want to. He didn't want to see. He was hardly hanging onto the edge of keeping it together, and if he saw he would go over that edge entirely. There were going to be more people who needed help, and he wouldn't be able to help them, and he would become another person who needed help and it would divert attention from other people who needed it more.

"You can't see her from here," Juni said. "Your partner has created some sort of barrier between us and the garrison. There will be no more casualties. Juraji, how long can you hold that for?"

"As long as you need me to."

Halek glanced up towards xem. Everyone else would believe xem. He was the only one who ever knew xem well enough to tell that xe wasn't sure.

They needed to move.

He said as much.

"Hm," said Juraji. "I think I need to stay here to keep this up. Like- right here. I can't move."

Xir extended hands were rigid, harsh blue tracery on xir dark skin matching the colour of the translucent barrier. It occurred to Halek that this was probably the most magic xe had ever done at one time, and that maybe xe had just about found the limit of xir supposedly unlimited power.

"Okay," said Juni. "Well, as long as that's up, we're safe, so everyone else can escape and we'll be fine until you can drop it."

That was when the gas hit.

Talí started coughing first, and most violently.

Halek's eyes stung as he dropped his cane and caught them.

"Juraji-" he began, then cut himself off as he realized that Juraji would not be able to both maintain the barrier- gas-permeable as it apparently was- and pull the gas out of Talí's lungs.

"I'm sorry," Juraji choked. "I was thinking about-" Xe coughed- "bullets and soldiers. Solid things."

Talí's hacking wracked their whole body.

"I've got you," Halek said. "I've got you, Talí-" cough- "it's going to be okay-" He was trying to convince himself as much as them.

"Your scarf." Juni pulled it off his neck and poured water on it.

"H-Halek-k-kchhhh." Talí gripped his wrist. "Oxygen."

Right. Right. He didn't have Juraji's scope, but his own magic wasn't useless here. He should have thought of that.

Juni wrapped Halek's damp scarf around Talí's face, over their mask, as Halek gathered his magic.

It was hard to focus. Usually he used his own breathing to help find it, channel it, but it felt like he too was suffocating.

Slowly, desperately, he managed to bring a cloud of his own violet magic over Talí's mouth and nose. Crowding out the tear gas with oxygen, pushing it into Talí's lungs.

He was getting really dizzy now. His eyes burned and his throat burned and his lungs burned and pushing more oxygen into Talí's vicinity was probably removing some from his own and he was quite possibly going to die but at least Talí might make it.

How many other people in the crowd had Long PNIV, or asthma, or some other lung problem? It was so common here. Pretty much everyone had been infected at some point in the past two decades of pandemic. The gas was going to kill people too.

Talí was still coughing, but not as incessantly, not as violently.

Halek tried to stand up with them and had to sit back down as he almost passed out.

He hoped someone was helping Juraji so xe could keep the barrier up. He'd lost track of Juni. Maybe they were together. He'd lost track of everyone but Talí.

"Hey." Someone tilted his face up and pulled down his mask.

He tried to tell them to stop, but he was coughing too hard and he couldn't see through the burning and watering of his eyes.

They put the metal rim of a water bottle against his lips. "Drink."

Their voice was muffled, like it was coming through several layers of fabric.

He drank. Lukewarm metallic water had never felt so good.

They pulled it away and pushed his mask back into place before he was ready. "Don't panic. I'm going to rinse your eyes."

This began to feel like a very familiar script.

Halek nodded and pulled off his glasses.

It stung even worse for a moment, but then, as he blinked the droplets out of his eyes and slid his glasses back on, he could just about see again.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely.

"Thank you," they said. "You taught me how to do that."

They tipped Talí's head up, either not noticing or not mentioning the purple of Halek's magic around their mouth. "Stay still, dear, I'm going to help you with your eyes."

Talí nodded.

"I did?" He squinted and tried to come up with a name for the masked person before him. They weren't with QD, or at least they weren't dressed like it.

"At a workshop last year," they said. "Don't worry, I'm just really good with faces. I remember, I thought, if someone as young as you could get involved, could teach others to get involved too, why couldn't I?"

Talí was still coughing.

"I need to take my sibling home," said Halek.

"No, stay," Talí croaked.

He ignored them. "Can you do something for me? There's a library a couple blocks away. They should have a first aid kit behind the desk with some proper respirators."

"It's been closed for a while," said his helper. "Ever since-"

"Break the window on the door," Halek said. "Cover your hand when you reach in- don't make yourself into another patient or leave more evidence than you have to."

They nodded and left.

Now that he could see again and the gas was settling, he was able to locate Juraji and Ailít together.

"I need to take them home!" he shouted.

Ailít gave him a thumbs up.

Juraji nodded, electricity arcing across xir skin, just as bright red blood began to pour out of one of xir nostrils.

Halek hesitated, torn between calling out Juraji's dangerously self-sacrificing attitude and getting Talí somewhere safer. In the end he picked Talí.

Once they were further away, in a place where the air was clear enough for Talí to take off the scarf and mask for a minute, they were able to use their rescue inhaler. The effect was even more immediate and noticeable than Halek's oxygen had been.

As their coughing calmed down, Talí burst into tears.

"You're safe now," Halek said. "It's okay."

"I'm so useless," Talí said angrily. "You were right. I shouldn't have come."

"No," Halek said awkwardly. He wished he could feel vindicated. "You're not useless, Talí. What you've been doing with Jue has been invaluable."

"All I did was make you leave instead of helping Juraji!" they cried.

Halek patted their back stiffly. "It's okay. Let's go home."

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“What’s it like for you?” Talí asked. “Being ar- being singular. For me I still want to try out romance, sex when I’m older, I still like having a few friends and I think I want to have partners when I’m older, but it’s not like that for you, right? Singular is a bit different from what I call aroace, aplatonic?”

“Yes,” said Jue, fighting the urge to close up. Ze wanted to be able to talk to Talí about this. Talí was hir friend. They could probably come closer to understanding than anyone else could. “I… I would not be aplatonic, I do not think. But I would be aroace. But it is a little bit different. I think. Abstract things are hard for me,” ze admitted. “Imagining what different but similar things mean and what they feel like.”

“I know you obviously don’t want to get married,” said Talí. “Would you, if things were different? If you could choose who it was?”

“No.” Jue was sure of that, at least. Ze would not be able to tolerate being married to even Fiitsãn. “If I could choose, I would marry no one at all, ever.”

“If things were different…” said Talí. “If there were no other things to consider, if no one else had any say, if you didn’t have any responsibilities or anything to worry about, what would you want?”

Nobody had ever asked hir that before. Ze had trouble with would, anyway, but… no one had ever asked that. Ze had never even asked hirself that. 

“Why does it matter?” ze said, partly glumly and partly just matter-of-factly. “That is not how things are or ever will be.”

“Never say never,” said Talí.

That was nonsense. Jue’s future was clear and unavoidable: betrothals, marriages, misery, suicide.

“Really,” said Talí. “Let’s pretend for a minute. What kind of life would you want? What kind of relationships?”

“If I could trust people?” If they were going to pretend, they might as well pretend all the way. “And nobody would be disappointed or angry?”

“Yeah,” said Talí. “If you didn’t have to worry about anything else, just what you wanted for yourself.”

“I would not want any partners,” said Jue. “Not of any kind. I would want… I would want to have some friends like you and Fiitsãn but maybe-” It felt wrong to wish for, impossible even if it were okay- “Maybe a few more too. Maybe people like… like me, and who wanted to spend time with me like I wanted to spend time with them. I would still need people to help look after me… I wish I did not, though, I would want to live alone. I would want to just… be me and play music and not worry about what anyone else wants or thinks of me.”

"Thank you for doing this," Jue said, wishing ze did not have to look Jiremau in the face to hear o-mēs response. Ze hoped o-mē could not see the sweat running down hir forehead.

"Of course," Jiremau said. "As far as I am concerned, we were never married."

They watched the paper, with its gilded edges, burn.

"It was never consummated, anyway," Jiremau said.

Jue nodded uncomfortably.

"I thought you had PNIV," Jiremau blurted. "I did not know you had not agreed to have Lady Paona stand in for you."

"I do not blame you," said Jue, and found that it was true. Even if Jiremau had known, there was little o-mē could have done about it. It was a deal between their families, not them. "Will this be a problem for you with your family?"

Jiremau laughed a little. Jue could not tell if it was forced. 

"Will it be a problem that I failed to keep myself- my country- tied to a collapsing empire?" o-mē said. "I doubt it." O-mē sighed. "I am sure they will want to find me someone else, with a more stable political situation, to marry soon enough. Besides… There's Yna. I think if my family wants to maintain ties and involve us in this empire's future, it will be through o-mēn and Princess Seitlēn. You are not exactly cooperative." 

"Okay," said Jue. Ze did not want to get Jiremau in trouble at home. "Will you be going home soon?" 

"My cousin is older and more senior than me," Jiremau said. "I think my immediate future is going to be dependent on o-mēs wishes." O-mē paused. "I think I would like to stay a little longer, if I can. I like being with Suinak." 

Ynesalinau had followed Sei to Fe and Jiremau had followed Ynesalinau and, surprisingly, Suinak had followed Jiremau instead of going home to Avutaq. 

"Was it all about the marriage?" Jiremau asked. 

Jue desperately tried to connect the question to what they had been talking about and failed. "…Pardon?" ze asked reluctantly.

"When you… you know."

Betrayed everyone and everything you should have been loyal to, o-mē did not say. 

"Um," said Jue. "No. It was the right thing to do. A lot of people were suffering because of the empire." 

Jiremau pursed o-mēs lips like o-mē maybe did not agree. "Okay." 

Jue still found it difficult to talk to people, even Fiitsãn, but ze was more able to get past it now that ze and Fiitsãn could safely be honest with each other and they had fought and gotten through it. 

"Are you safe there?" Fiitsãn asked. 

Jue thought about it, and said, "Yes." Sei, and her family, and Jiremau, and lots of other people seemed fairly displeased with hir, which was upsetting and scary, but ze felt like ze was safer here than ze had been at home. 

"Are you happy, too?" Fiitsãn asked. 

Jue almost lied automatically, but Fiitsãn did not want that. Fiitsãn wanted to know for real. "I have not often been happy," ze said. "I think it will take a long time before I am." 

Fiitsãn nodded. 

"Are you happy?" Jue asked. 

"My family and Talí's family are trying to figure out visiting at some point, me flying out there for a few days or them coming here," said Fiitsãn. "I signed up for a year seven science class next semester. I'm probably going to go visit my family in Avutaq soon for the first time in years. It's good. I'm doing good." He paused. "I miss you, though. Maybe we can see each other again sometime soon."

"Have you talked to Raiqiongshē or… any of them yet?" Talí asked. "They should let you, since you're family."

"No," said Jue. Ze was scared. They had been very angry. They surely still were.

Ze was not sure if ze wanted to talk to them anyway. 

"That's okay," said Talí. "You don't have to if you're not ready. You don't have to ever again if you don't want to. My dads and parent and the rest of them don't talk to their parents anymore at all, on purpose. You're the one who gets to decide." 

"Mhm."

"How are things with your other uncle and cousins?" Talí said. "Are they treating you better? I'll make it a problem and you can come stay with me if they're not." 

"They are," said Jue. "You know. They are upset with me. But Uncle Qaidiao is never… mean to me. And I am allowed a lot more choices. It is better."

Not perfect, not by a long shot, but much better. 

"I am not married," ze said. "And I will not be." 

"That's good," said Talí. "I'm glad you don't have to deal with that anymore. You're just a person like the rest of us now, so they have no reason to do that anymore." 

Jue nodded. That was the idea. Legally, at least, ze was the same as everybody else. Everyone had a lot of feelings about it, but the main one for Jue was just… relief. 

Ze was getting a little worried about how no one had made Sei sign anything, but ze did not say anything to Talí about that. It was a big change, and she didn't do well with even little changes. She just needed time.

"There's a meteor shower peaking tomorrow night," said Talí. "You should watch it from Fe and I'll watch it from Ðiúharlaeslai and Fiitsãn can watch it from Avutaq." 

They had sentenced Raiqiongshē and Neqio to exile. Jue found out because hir younger cousin Heishun told hir that ze had ruined everyone's lives by screaming and someone should have gagged hir.

The imperial punishment for treason had been execution. Ze was glad the rebels- former rebels- were not doing that. Ze had not wanted to kill hir family. Ze did not think ze would have been able to live with hirself if ze had.

Ze should probably call Raiqiongshē. Ze might never see him again. Ze should call.

Ze did not want to. Ze did not want to be yelled at. Ze already felt bad.

But… Ze did not want to keep putting it off, either. Talí had said ze could never talk to him again if that was what ze wanted, but ze did not want that. 

Ze felt sick about it. Ze would just keep feeling sick about it if ze did not call. Ze would probably feel sick about it anyway but then it would be over. 

Raiqiongshē would hate hir. Jue had betrayed him. Of course he would hate hir. 

But Jue was angry with Raiqiongshē, too. Ze was angry and ze thought that might be okay. 

Raiqiongshē had betrayed hir first, after all, hadn't he?

Maybe ze wanted to talk to Raiqiongshē now just to see what it was like when ze could stop anytime. 

In the end, ze did call, using the number they had given hir what felt like ages ago. 

Raiqiongshē wasted no time getting to the point. "Are you pleased with yourself now, Jeilajue?"

Jue's throat burned like ze was going to cry. Ze had known this would just make hir more upset. Ze had called anyway and it had. 

"Yes," ze said, and hung up.

Masterpost Chapter 70 Other epilogue parts: Daanah, Halek, Zhe’ārani

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