#tazdust

The TAZ: Dust theme but its in space!

Based on the original theme track from The Adventure Zone: Dust, written by Griffin McElroy. Please go listen to the original, as well as the whole TAZ collection.

Oh I grieve in stereo The stereo sounds strange I know that if you hide It doesn't go away If you get out of bed And find me standing all alone

When I say softly, slowly

• Trees don't grow on trees!

• - Look at this stuff isnt it neat?

  - Yes I think that your collection is complete now.

• - What I will also give you with a nat 20 is... harmarbahbahbahbah

  - Excuse me what? I missed that last part

  - Harnarbarbarbarbar.

  - I dont see how that helps us but, thank you?

• - Zis has nothing to do wiz us!

  - Okay. Tel me why. Then you explain it.

  - Okay zo the magic coming from the zingularity, that we are going to collect, with, with this crystal, yes? Zis worm, uhh is not, by its nature, ze zingularity! Yes?

- Right but its probably got magic... all over it.

- No! No Ze water... zis water dat we are in, right? It is... it is... Okay. Zink if it like this: Imagina a glass of water. And you drop some uh, coloring into it. Some dye in it. Yes?

- Alright. Alright.

- So zen you are going to put objects into this water, yes? Zey will um, become covered in ze dye. Because it is in the water, yes? Now if zey are zings that abzorb things, if they are different colors when zey go in, ze differences between the objects will make ze dye in ze water affect zem differently. Yes? Zis is how ze Ether, in the Ethersea works.

- Riiiiight.... so he should just try talking to it-

- No! Zey worm is just zoaked in ze magic! And so

- Whys the worm here then?

- Why are- why are we here?!

- Whoa... whoa... that may be... might be even beyond my-

- No iz cause we fell into ze clam! That waz not a metaphysical question! We are here because we vell into ze clam. Listen. Listen. I know this is weird right? Giant worm! An uh, we're very small, and we're looking for the giant, ya know zing that makes things small and giant, right? But zis is not it! Zis building is not it, zose screw things are not it, ze worm is not it. Zey have all just been affected by ze same magic we are trying to find, but zat magic is not here. I have studied magic literally all my life. And zis is not it. Uh zis is like- Amber, I would not tell you how to uh punch a shark with your uh uh furious fists; Zoox, I would not tell you how to swim with the farts that come out of your feet. So I need you to trust me that I know that zis- the only thing that can happen here, is that zis worm sees us, as food like it sees zese, uh, things in ze wall, and eats us and poops us out as this white uh, tree gross stuff that comes out of its butt. Right? So...

- Ah yea that's fair.

- I love it when he's compelling.

• - Uhh it's a 6 and a 9 dude, heh heh heh

  - Oh I get it.

  - (fake laughter)

  - Yea so if it-

  - Dad um, theres uh... sex number, uhhhh I guess. Sorry its so (unintelligable) young thing for us young bucks

  - I think it was invented in like 2005

  - Yea thats pretty recent. We just came up with it. Hey dad if you try to follow up on this gag at all, I will hang up

  - (loud, real laughter)

  - This is not a "yes, and" situation

  - No no no no

- It's not a "yes and" it's a "no thanks."

- I'll just open another window, lemme see

- Im about to close all the windows on my computer, and then...

- (gasp) oh my god

- (laughter)

• The problem with being lied to and manipulated iz that now, in retrospect I can not tell what waz a good day and what seemed like a good day because zis is how you wanted me to feel. Zis is the problem that I have. It iz not that I hate chu, it iz that I do not know what iz me, and what iz you. And what is ze church, and what it is that I want. Because for so long, you and the other teachers only saw me as a vessel to be filled with your ideas, and your beliefs. And you would do anything to have me accept those. I am afraid of every other feeling because I do not know if they are yours or if they are mine, but my resentment is my own. And zis is the anger I will keep coming back to, to understand who I am. And what fuels me is knowing that I am not you. As- I do not want to be only resentment, yes? But when I see your face and the symbol, and the church, it's all that I am. Pleasure doing business with you.

• - Amber who is zis fellow over here? He seems... I dont know, important? Weird?

  - lemme think about it (out of character) do I know him?

  - Roll uhh an investigation check.

  - Kay. Sixteen.

  - Plus anything?

  - Nuh clean.

  - Um they look familiar but you can't quite put your finger on it.

  - (back in character) Well they look familiar but I cant quite put my finger on it. Ah well!

• You might be different, ah but uh different is not bad. It just means that you will have other strengths and other challenges along ze way. But I have seen you handle yourself very well in several different um, absolutely difficult and terrifying situations. And I think the only thing that is wrong with you is the same thing zat is wrong with everybody else, which is we are all just trying to understand ourselves, and understand who we are and uh what we are doing.

• - It's one of the jobs that was offered to you

  - noooo which one? Was it one of the good ones?

  - Make uhhh

  - Perception?

  - Yea perception or investigation, she just flashed it at you real quick.

  - That's uhh wow a natural 1 I dont even know if that's paper. Hey! Whats with that banana you got!

• - Well is it coloquial or is it irrelevant?

  -  It's actually pronounced the cloaca, is where hes at

• - Do you have a jacket zat I could have? Zis is unrelate-

  - They will cover your whole body

  - No its unrelated, I just needed a new jacket

  - Umm no! What are you talking about?

  - I just thought that I would ask

  - Have I ever come to your domicile and said like "hey! Selling any pants today?" That's a wild thing to do!

  - Oh I did not say selling I was hoping you would just give it to me.

  - Have I ever showed up at your domicile and said "gimme pants! Its me ya pal uncle Joshie gimme pants today!"

  - We haven't known each other this long.

  - No we haven't! Thats exactly right! We wicked have not!

• We don't want your boomerang dude

• (in deep voice) I agree, lets continue on our sacred mission

  - Oh shit, Optimus Prime is here?!

  - Autobots, transform!!

  - Sam Witwicky

  - Sam Witwicky!

  - Sam Witwicky!!

• - Sam Witwicky did you bring the robot weed?

• - You know hes kinda squiggly and uhhhh wiggly... he is an octo- holy shit.

  - What?

  - Squiggles was ze smiley face!

  - What?

  - Squiggle- Squiggles- Squiggles! Skittles! Was ze smiley face!

  - Travis is broken!

  - Squiddly diddly?!

  - Skittles? Squiggles.... was ze smiley face avatar at ze auction.

• Griffin trying out different voices for Nermal made me laugh. It doesnt really work to do in text because he does the same line multiple times in increasingly ridiculous voices.

• I could being your face down to a steak, cut it into nice strips for my brood

• - Im going to throw the uh, chance lance at the laser eye

  - Okay. You didn't say it was an eye, but I like that. Thats cool.

  - Well it is!

  - Where else is it gonna go its not a laser belly button

  - Well wait wait wait a minute! Im the one that came up with it, so I oughta say what it is.

- Yea what is it?

- It's a laser eye! Were you not listening?

• - Tell me about its smooth endoplasmic reticulum, Travis

  - It's sexy as fuck!

• Point at the face that looks like your face. For pain I mean.

• Shrets not reaaaal. Its just a naaaame.

• -  I got an 8

  - I got a rock

• You can not call it a gift if it was not asked for or offered. You imposed this on us. This is not how a gift works. And second; your understanding that strengths come from- through suffering? This is not the way. This is not an acceptable... pathway for us to move forward.

• - Thats a 10!

  - Yea... no

  - How much defense could a chain have??

  - It's not about defense-

  - He makes a good point, Griffin

  - It's not about defense! Its about you threading a chain-link with a crossbow bolt that you have tied a rope onto! There is no universe in which this-

  - Well when you say it like that, Griffin, it sounds wild!

  - Yea! It is wild! You see- Cambria laughs at you! The big worm monster laughs at you!

  - Wait a minute wait! Wait a minute. Now when you make an attack roll youre rolling again somebodys armor class, correct?

(All talking over each other now)

  - Did- you- dad-

  - Now wait, wait a minute-

  - Objection! The- the judges

  - Can we talk about this?

  - I don't wanna talk about anything else!

  - All the jury members stand up and shout objection! At the same time.

  - I don't have to win over a judge- a jury

  - And the judge is like this isn't how court works, but I agree! Ob-

  - I just have to win over you!

- Yea you're not gonna do that! Ive made my position perfectly clear. You can say you rolled a 10, what you did was you rolled a 2 plus 8. No way!

  - Alright

  - I wanna hear dad out!

  - Yea!

  - No no, let him speak

  - Okay no no! Make your impashioned armor class argument.

  - Now I'm just a simple fantasy lawyer, but my client

• stop rolling thunderclap damage!

• Herosim isn't some title that you earn for yourself and then you get to trot around. Its a thing that you do.

• If TAZ has a unifying theme, I've had a lot of thoughts about it, and if TAZ- The Tazmasphere- has a unifying theme, it is bullying people in administration positions.

• - If you have one of these, its called a map, and it will show you how to get to ze parlor, hmm?

  - Uh okay. And she goes over to uh a- a desk, a small sort of information desk, and picks up a piece of paper and jots something on it and then hands it to you and its just a note that says "just fucking follow me!"

•  - His name? Franz....ch.

   - Franged?

   - Frenched

   - Sorry, Franche? 

  - Can you guys not make a big deal out of it everytime?? Im trying to- I don't have a billion names written time this time!

• - The more you lose, the more important it is to protect what you still have, you pessimistic asshole. Because there are children that are in Founders Wake that have never seen a fucking polar bear! And we have ze chance to save things so that- maybe you dont care right now. But maybe they will! Huh?? Maybe its not about you, you selfish piece of shit!

• You zink you are very special because you feel this way. You zink that you have a big picture kind of mentality and that you see things in a clear way that no one else. But I'm going to tell you a secret, Sir. I grew up surrounded by people like you. People who live their life and make their decisions because of some promise of a better zing coming right? And zat everyzing they do now is all worth it because of whats to come, right? But ze problem is when you are looking at ze big picture, ze the things that you often miss, right, iz ze little things. And so you become so focused on the big picture and working towards ze next thing, zat you lose focus on how you are affecting the world you are in now. You think the world will be better huh? The next one. Do you know how it got to be like that?? Because of assholes like you who focused on "better" and ze next thing. And growing and taking more and being more and having more and instead, maybe if you focused a little bit more on what was going on now, we wouldn't be in ze fucking predicament here under the ocean, surrounded by polluted water, zat we are. Did you ever think about this??

• But with her many arms she rips sun from sky and boils all the water-  misbehavior

• That's why Gary Gygax used to say "this is my little nephew, Matt Mercer"

• It's a good point, but not relevant.

• I've always had the sneaking suspicion that when people aren't with us, theyre not really doing much of anything. Have you guys felt that ever?

• - Nah we, me and Dylan can handle it

  - Whos dylan??

  - Sorry??

  - Uh, from- from deeper in the ship, the- the door to the bridge opens up, and you all see just this skeezy waistoid of a dude walk in and hes like "Hey what's up? What's going on?"

  - Sorry who are you?

  - Who is Dylan??

  - This is my friend Dylan.

(Laughter)

• I- no! I don't think so at all! Im not with them. No I'm- I- Im- I like the mortal world! I like the- the I like the oceans, I like the- most of the people Ive met and I like all the creatures Ive met. I- I dont know why anybody would want to... get rid of this! I... I understand that people have lives and memories and- and all these things about the past, but, you know I recently learned that I'm not gonna live in it. I- I don't have that past to live in. So I don't wanna tunnel into... whatever Nirvanna or whatever these people wanna do. I just... I wanna enjoy this beautiful world that we have; this existence we have! I wanna appreciate it! I don't- I don't see any sense in trying to go somewhere else. Im! Not! With! Them!

• - My will

  - What?

  - My will

  - Oh okay.

  - Oh he did it in a scary voice. I hated that.

  -Yea idk why..

  - Like the devil-

  - I can't hear it on my end, hows it sound?

  - It sounds fucking scary man

  - It sounds terrible

  - It's the scariest-

  - I'm trying to turn it off so please- please ignore me (demonic laugh)

  - The volumes are too low and I tried to change this one slider and now I sound like this!

  - It's wonderful to me that you got this fun new sound board in our penultimate episode.

  - It's not- Ive had it for a little bit but I don't normally have these.

•  - Your mind reels with a question as you blink away tears: where the shit am I? To which your own mind answers: I do not know

  - Okay Griffin, but whats happening in the game??

• Yes! He's gained the power of literacy, and now he's unstoppable!

•  - You have thwarted me again, Springfield

  - Im walking away, I cant hear you actually Im walking away

  - Wait

  - Nope. Im not gonna! Im gonna walk away!

  - Okay. I wish-a you wouldn't.

  - Okay I'll see ya around. Bye!

  - That's a weird thing to say after you said that cool shit about Siren

  - I know but you keep talking to me and now its weird!

  - You're not walking away!

  - I want to though!

  - You keep responding

  - Okay now I'm definitely gonna walk away

  - Doesn't sound like it

  - Aw man.

  -(Quieter) Okay I'm walking away

  - Hey wait come back!

  - Yea?

  - What are you still doing here, man?

  - God dammit!

• -You ask a fucking lot of questions. I get it, that its like-

  - It's my whole deal!

  - Yea but even so... it's... it's... tiring.

  - What else would you have me dooo?

  - You could just chill.

  - I'm not The Statementer! Like I don't come when youre doing your job I don't-

  - I've got a question for you.

  - What is it?

  - What did birds evolve from? (Out of character) and then I go

  - Well the science-

  - (dinosaur screeches) And a bunch of-

  - No you didn't let me answer!

  - Velociraptors jump through the windows!

• - Do you have a spectral pen, um?

  - A regular pen that he can hold? When he's not-

  - Yes it's fine I can man-manifest myself into a corporeal form. Please excuse me for just a second.

  - Hang on just a second-

  (Very loud obnoxious screaming from Justin)

• - Mr. Parsons? It seems a missive has come for you.

  - Shhh. I hate this part.

• My name is Augustus Parsons; and I'm totally nuts.

• - That was a NICE ectoplasmic blast