#tash writes

you should have told her, that she gave you butterflies and made your palms sweaty but you didn't. you should have told her, that her voice was the one you'd hear in a crowded room. that you wanted to listen to that laugh for the rest of your life. but you didn't. you should have told her, that when she kissed your cheek for the first time, it fixed your broken heart and re- awakened your soul. but you didn't. you should have told her, that night you were scared. that to love her, would mean you'd be in ruin. you couldn't face what it would mean if she didn't love you. you were scared that eventually after all this time to listen to your heart you'd loose her and her love. but you didn't. you should have told her, outside on that cold january night that she was worth the risk of heartbreak. that looking into her eyes hoping she wouldn't see past your facade, that the truth was beating out of your chest. you should have told her the truth but you didn't. you should have told her, that if you kissed her it wouldn't be a meaningless kiss. it would always be more than that. she'd always mean more than that. but you didn't. you should have told her, you were falling in love before she fell for someone else. but you didn't. you should have told her, that seeing her with someone else was slowly breaking your heart. but you didn't. you should have told her, that you could be that person she wanted. that you'd love her forever. but you didn't. you should have told her, to stay. that when she left you'd be missing half of yourself, you'd only be half whole. but you didn't. i should have told you, i loved you but i didn’t.

darling,    believe me when i say, for me there was no one else but you.                         but in this story,        this is the way it ends with history keeping us apart and calling it a tragedy.

my heart became a graveyard, i don’t ever think time could heal it belonged to the echos of lost loves, the forgotten memories. darling it’s been years and i’m still being haunted by you, i’m here among the living loving a forgotten feeling trying to find you still in the eyes of other people. i fear i always will. i’m still loving an echo of a memory that time can’t touch.

i never knew falling in love with you would be like slipping on my favourite sweater in autumn, cozying up near the fire in winter, darling you were a sunrise. there was never that moment of realisation, i just knew in my bones that i'll love you for a lifetime. i was eighteen when we met, heartbroken and scared to love again but you came into my life and loving you became effortless, almost like breathing and i didn't realise i was in love until it was too late. sometimes i wish i could go back to the beginning and savour those moments, for me five years, 1826 days were simply not enough, i could never have enough time with you darling, i would always wanted more. but times a funny thing and years later you still have a piece of my heart and i so desperately want to call you and hear your voice, just to hold you in my arms, tell you that i miss you. there were so many drunken nights, too many 'almost' that still plague my heart. three years later i'm still here, with a broken heart still wanting you. i should have told you i was in love with you. fuck i should have kissed you that night outside the bar. i should have done a lot of things differently when it came to you. i was scared you wouldn't feel the same, that i made it all up in my head because how could someone love me. our story changed that night, maybe you thought i didn't love you and god how wrong you were. maybe it's too early, maybe i'm too young and i shouldn't say this but darling you were the love of my life and the grief that came when watching you love someone who wasn't me was haunting. like falling in love with you, losing you didn't happen all at once, it was painfully slow watching fall in love with another knowing i missed my chance. i remember the times where i would have you in my arms, it felt like home, and in my heart i know i will never walk through that door again. i can never go home to you.

if it was a dream, let me remember her and the way we were before i wake, before reality sets in. i can feel the ache in my chest, my heart feels heavy. it all felt so real. to have a fate so cruel, to never have known love, always guarding your heart to never let anyone in. for a life without love my heart feels empty. so i beg let me keep that safe, that feeling. just let me keep that memory of her, just that one, before i wake from this hopeless dream before this fades, before i forget her love.

it’s always the same ending,                          it’s the way our story goes.                                                                                        with me losing you.

one day we’ll get a second chance at happiness, and fate will be on our side. and there will be no leaving each other ever again. i’m sorry darling, our story should never had ended this way, with me losing you.

that’s the thing with tragedies, when all is said and done, we were never going to be here again. the ending was already written in our blood, tethered by fate. yet i know our stories get retold, rewritten, distorted with time. and they’ll forget how we fell in love how we tried to overcome all odds. but i wish to remember us there way we were in this story, our moment in time, under the same stars,   that after everything we were happy regardless of what we became. darling there’s so much i didn’t say, so much history took from us. there was so much we could have become if only we had the time. but that never was going to be our story, the legacy we left. we would always be a star-crossed tragedy, cursed in the name of love.