I donāt know how to describe it
Sometimes, a lot of times, I question whether or not Iāve been faking my people this whole time. Did I make them up? Am I role playing as them and I donāt know it? Am I pretending this whole ime and I didnāt know?
And sometimes I get so sick and scared of how Iām accidentally faking this that I start believing it for a few seconds, and in those seconds I think
āOh, Iām faking this.. theyāre not real.. ā
But why would I fake it? Everyone who I told I have a system to thinks itās weird, they find me weird, my parents think itās weird, I myself feel a little insane
Some of my people have inner system trauma that when they take over, is just horrible. Why would I make up a traumatic part of their story so much that it affects everyone/me/the body in ways that DOES NOT help at all? They cry a lot, they cry to outsiders (in the outside world) a lot. They need therapy, they have anxiety attacks- itās not fun. Why would I make that up? How is that benefitting me? Itās not a fun experience
Sometimes my people take over during a time that might make things a little worse, or they do something that makes the atmosphere a bit sad with me and my outsider friends. Why would I do that myself? How is that helping me?
I donāt know. I wonāt know whatās going on, especially since I donāt have a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist who I trust with this OR who has the skills for this. Maybe when I first had people I found it interesting, I found it a bit amusing. People with tulpae found it fun and said it wonāt ever go wrong, so I looked forward to it when my first person popped out of nowhere. But while it can be nice, they help out and try to take care of you, it can suck and I hate it sometimes. Why did my brain do this, all my people are just getting hurt as time goes on either by outsiders or inner system trauma
I sometimes feel like Iām faking, but that would suck, I sometimes feel itās real but that sucks too!
I donāt know, itās a mess, especially now that I realized no one can help me- us.