#system questioning

Im not sure what to say so I suppose i shall start listing things.

I often- (and by often I mean nearly 24/7) talk to myself, whether out loud, muttering, or just in my head I talk to myself. I have been doing this since I was a young child, though often muttering and mumbling, causing my parents to say "speak up or keep it to yourself" due to it often annoying them and this still happens. And if they don't say that and catch me mumbling and ask, "what did you say?" I would often reply, "talking to myself." With their reply of "as always." Or something similar. As I said I've been doing this since I was a very young child.

Another thing I do while talking to myself is saying me, or other me, sometimes something even like the third or fourth me when getting into arguments with myself.

I have also since as a child, subconsciously referred to myself as not only I/Me/Mine, but also We/Us/Ours. Which is honestly more common than not unless around other people. Almost like I subconsciously know not to for some fear of getting caught for some reason. Honestly I also try not to talk to myself around others either (minus my parents usually) unless I believe they're far enough away to me out of ear/eyeshot, trying to keep it under my breath and barely moving my lips.

But also, I what I call "roleplay" on my own or more accurately I suppose daydream/making up scenarios about characters often and often being a self insert and I do it for multiple AU's and I *KNOW* when I want to change AU's and actively do it knowing it and nothing changes except "pretending" to be a different self insert specific to that AU. But that could also be related to being a writer with AuDHD.

But to help get back to on topic I have been told before that it's "like you buried the old you" as referred to by a parent of mine and how they have said they've done the same. That same parent & even parent 2 have also mentioned or told me about food I used to like/love when I was little when I say I never have. Which can be true as I have lied about liking something when I didn't then of course years later when I say I hate it parent 1 has said "you used to love peppers (a true ex) when you were little. You would even ask for them raw." When in reality I have always hated them, both raw & cooked. Then there are things I genuinely wouldn't remember liking or hating. Like corn. I don't mind corn, tastes better with seasons and butter but still. As far as I *know* I never had an issue with it, but have been told I would- (for example) "like it one day but hate it the next." And back again. Perhaps not that drastic but still, hopefully you get my point. And parent 1 has said they can't keep up with what I like and don't, when I haven't really changed my taste in *at least* 5 years. Beets are another example similar to peppers, but as far as I know I have *ALWAYS* hated beets and perhaps I lied about liking them but I think not. But both parents have said I used to love them too.

That also used to be a problem with colors about 5-8 years ago apparently with them not knowing which is my favorite. My favorites are blue and purple and have been for some time. Purple has always been a second favorite except for the time when I needed a filler before deciding I loved blue when I grew to hate another color. Even after years of them knowing my favorite colors are blue and purple parent 1 would ask and when I'd say what they are and it's been that way for years there was remarks along the lines of "well how am I supposed to know when you go back and forth" or something like that.

But anyhow the reason I don't believe i could be a plural is due to the fact I don't really have repeated chronic trauma but parent 1 had recently made a comment that I probably do have childhood trauma. But while I do have some trauma from at least 2 different things, one only happened a few times while the other did happen for a year but it was also caused by a child my age at the time. Note this was sorta csa by another child but not quite. But I often forget about both. More so the latter.

And while I have memory issues and as far as I know I don't black out and it's caused by undiagnosed AuDHD.

But I will admit I also often get random all day migraines. Parents 2 has recently told me to try caffeine which what- it works?? But it makes me wonder how one can be caffeine deprived when one barely has caffeine???

Well imma rap this up. Apologies for the long post & and possible grammar errors. I would just like your opinions. Thanks for reading my Ted talk! Have a good morning/day/evening/night!

Bit of an add on I forgot about:

Back to the memory issues for the most part I have forgotten things like for example when I got into middle school I was already forgetting things from elementary though I do occasionally "have flashes", but again I do have unmedicated undiagnosed adhd. Now I put "have flashes" in quotes due to also having aphantasia in complete where I see nothing but black in my mind's eye.

Second add on:

When I think that Im just manipulating myself into thinking it's possible to be a system I say/think to myself, "No, I'm not. It's just my mind & that weird mimicry due to [Frd] having it and it's impossible that I have it. It's probably just because I like to make up scenarios for my characters so I know how to write them better." But, after that there's another thought of, "Then why do *we* use 'we/us/our(s)'?" Ect. And I think, "because we're- (catches myself-) I'm! I'm just an only child & lonely. I've read about that for only children that it happens to them. You're not real. And it's just me being me or weird." "Are you sure I'm not/we're not real?" "Just shut it. Leave me alone." Then proceeds to try to ignore it all.