#syntheorem

this time, jinhee begged them to take her to the park. it was a lovely day out so seyoon had to agree it sounded like fun. anders, the sucker that he was for his daughter, couldn’t even consider turning her down. they all slipped into their shoes and took a walk to the nearest park, where five year old jinhee went wild on the play structure, mingling with the other neighborhood children. seyoon took a seat beside anders on the bench he was on and talked to him about how weird beavers were and how he’d had a dream that they’d bore through the wood in the apartment with their giant teeth and started chasing him, wanting to chew up his legs. 

“don’t worry, noodle boy,” anders had said with a smile. “i wouldn’t let them chew up your legs or any other part of you, for that matter. you know i’d protect you from them. if i can, i’ll protect you from everything.” here, the elder threw an arm over seyoon’s shoulder and pulled him close. “heaven knows you need a lot of that. without me here to watch over you, you’d probably get yourself killed doing something stupid.”

seyoon simply laughed. “yeah, probably.”

on the way home, jinhee wanted to stop for some ice cream. unfortunately, they’d found themselves in a place that had its system down. they weren’t able to take card and neither anders nor seyoon had any cash on them. not wanting to disappoint the little girl, anders promised to be right back and went to find the nearest atm. he left seyoon and jinhee outside at a table, where they were discussing all things princess, and told them to stay put. 

when anders returned, he found out that they hadn’t stayed put. as the manager of the ice cream store would later explain it, jinhee had gotten up and started moving around at the two minute mark. a five year old didn’t have a lot of patience, especially not in cases where ice cream was involved, and her careful shuffling quickly turned into her running. they had to play tag while they waited, she said, so they could be tired by the time her dad got back with the money. according to her, ice cream was always better when one was tired. one needed to be tired so that the ice cream could refresh them and make them feel better. 

apparently, seyoon had sounded a little hesitant about that. one sidewalk wasn’t much space to be playing games like tag, especially considering they were on a busy road and surrounded by fast moving vehicles. not wanting the little girl to get hurt, seyoon tried to weasel out of it, trying to distract her with conversation and promises that she could put hair clips in his hair the next time they played salon. unfortunately, seyoon wasn’t someone most people took seriously. he wasn’t good at being authoritative or in charge. jinhee saw him like another kid in a bigger body, which was likely the reason the two had hit it off so well from the start, anyway. 

seyoon’s “no, it’s not safe here” turned into “stop running here, i told you it’s not safe” and to “jinhee, i’m older than you and you have to listen to me no matter what your dad says!” somehow, they ended up playing tag anyway, but it wasn’t by seyoon’s choice. jinhee was usually pretty well behaved, but she was still five years old - five year olds were difficult to keep in line, at times. she was absolutely no exception. she seemed to be having a blast trying to get away from him, laughing and smiling while he tried to stop her from getting too close to the road. he hadn’t been playing, he’d just been trying to keep her safe.

then jinhee ran into the street.

one never wanted to think of their child putting themselves in danger like that, but it was one of those things that had to be expected as well. as many times as jinhee had been told by her parents and other adults to never try to cross the road without looking, there were times when danger was just the farthest thing from her mind. it was so the moment she took the step off the curb, putting herself in direct line of oncoming traffic.

seyoon, of course, was there in an instant to get her to safety. unfortunately, he hadn’t been fast enough to get himself out of the way. though he’d gotten there in time to push jinhee away from danger, the car barreling their way hadn’t had enough time to stop. the driver honked the horn and hit the brakes, but slammed into seyoon anyway, and slammed into him hard. the driver in the car behind the one that hit him slammed the brakes as well, though ended up ramming into the back of the first car, causing a small pileup of vehicles that drivers weren’t able to stop quick enough.

anders saw the whole thing happen. 

the man had found the nearest atm, only to realize that it was out of order. the man in that store had sent him somewhere else, stating the nearest atm was a big of walk from there. anders didn’t want to keep seyoon and his daughter waiting for too long, but he knew they were both good at entertaining themselves in his absence. he expected they would be fine. he never expected anything like this to happen.

immediately, anders’ legs were carrying him to the scene, as if on autopilot. it was shocking and terrifying to see something like this unfold, especially when it involved people he cared about, but his military service and his police work had prepared him for dealing with emergency situations. he had to make sure his child was okay, as well as the roommate he’d come to love in more ways than one.

“seyoon! jinhee!”

the little girl in question was there, crying, scraped up, but safe. a couple had been walking down the sidewalk when the incident happened and pulled her even further from the street after seyoon pushed her away. the young woman was crying, traumatized by what she’d just witnessed, holding onto jinhee’s arm. her boyfriend took a deep breath and stepped into the street to see if the young man who’d been hit was alright, or even alive for that matter. at this point, it was increibly hard to tell whether he was or not.

“somebody call an ambulance!” anders ordered as he got there. jinhee was alright as far as he could tell, at least physically (save for the minor scrapes, of course), but he could tell seyoon was in bad shape already. the impact of the vehicle had sent the young man rolling over the hood of the car, head smacking into the windscreen, then tumbling into the street. he’d landed hard and most definitely had some broken bones and internal bleeding. anders knew that seyoon’s injuries were life threatening and it terrified him. immediately, the man from the couple pulled out his cell to call for help. anders knelt down beside seyoon and reached out to touch his cheek, heart pounding dangerously fast in his chest. “seyoon-ah… seyoon?”

seyoon did not open his eyes. he looked lifeless like that, so still and quiet. seyoon was never still and quiet, at times not even when he slept. it was a bizarre way to see him and anders hated every second of it. with tears attempting to well up in his eyes, anders reached out and placed two fingers on seyoon’s neck, trying to feel for a pulse. for a while he felt nothing, but he refused to give up, refusing to believe that seyoon was gone. finally, he located a pulse, though it was faint and weak. it filled his heart with relief, though seyoon needed to be transported to the hospital right away or else the relief would bring about nothing but disappointment.

anders wanted to pick seyoon up and run with him, carry him all the way to safety, but he couldn’t risk moving him because of his injuries. it was hard to tell exactly what was wrong, at least inside of him, and moving him could only make matters worse for the boy. by now they’d drawn a crowd in. the driver of the car stood there in shock and horror, hurling out frantic apologies that anders could care less about. 

jinhee, too, was crying. “seyoon oppa…”

anders turned to his daughter and took a deep breath. it hurt him to no end that seyoon - his seyoon - was the one who’d been hurt today, though he was relieved and forever thankful that his daughter came out of the incident unscathed. he had seyoon to thank for that and he wanted to be able to thank him for it. the sad truth was that anders knew seyoon could very well die from this. it was hard enough considering losing the young man, but even harder knowing that jinhee would too. jinhee, at five years old, didn’t need to be seeing things like this. she didn’t need to see what a cruel world she lived in.

“jinhee-yah…”

“daddy… why won’t seyoon oppa wake up? when is he going to wake up?”

anders swallowed thickly and turned back to the younger lying in front of him. he wanted seyoon to open his eyes and tell him that he was alright. hell, he’d love it if seyoon could just start blabbering away as usual. anders never minded when seyoon talked too much, which was often, and now he wanted that more than ever. unfortunately, all he had to be comforted by was the fact that seyoon’s heart was still beating and he was still breathing, however shallow and labored it was.

“seyoon… seyoon oppa is going to have to go to the hospital, baby. they’re going to help him there - the doctors. they’ll take care of him so that he can wake up and see us. they’ll…” he took another deep breath, wanting to stay strong in the face of his daughter and around seyoon, too. seyoon needed to know that anders wouldn’t give up on him. even if seyoon couldn’t hear it, anders had to be encouraging around him. it felt like it was the right thing to do. “they’re going to do everything they can. you hear that, noodle boy? help is on the way, so hang on. they’re coming. you don’t leave us. don’t you dare leave us before then.”

after that, time seemed to be warped. anders didn’t know how it happened, but suddenly he was in the emergency room waiting to find out news of his friend. it seemed like it took the ambulance ages to get there, like everyone was going in slow motion, but suddenly things started to speed up and were happening all too fast. he’d called his ex on the way, asking her to come pick jinhee up from the hospital and take her home. she’d chewed him out on the fact that their daughter was put in danger and didn’t seem to care very much about the fact that his friend was dying, then came to scoop jinhee up. jinhee didn’t want to leave, but anders did not want her to witness any more of this horror. she’d already seen way too much and he wanted to protect her from whatever tragedies life threw at people. she was still just so, so young, after all.

and so was seyoon in his eyes. anders had always pointed out their age difference, the fact that seyoon was still just a kid trying to learn who he was. anders was wise and experienced, unlike seyoon, who was youthful and innocent and still easily shaped by everything around him. it wasn’t fair that seyoon had to be here today. it wasn’t fair that seyoon had to be on the brink of life and death, especially considering how many other awful life threatening situations he’d been in thanks to anders himself. anders knew he was at fault for everything. somehow, someway, even this.

the interesting thing about life was that one could never truly expect the unexpected. anders, however, realized the moment the doctor stepped out and gave him an apologetic look that he’d expected seyoon not to pull through from this. he’d wanted him to, but his training and knowledge told him that there was no way, that seyoon was just too badly hurt. he’d listened to them list off everything that was wrong with him. he’d known how badly things were, and how poor the odds were that anyone could make it through this. it broke his heart into a million pieces but it, unfortunately, did not surprise him.

“i’m sorry… we did the best that we could but we lost him… he went into cardiac arrest two times during… we were able to bring him back the first time, but… i’m very sorry to have to tell you this…”

anders couldn’t hear the rest of it. the words were all blending together like ingredients in a poisonous cocktail and he couldn’t make sense of where the sentences were starting and ending. he felt like he couldn’t breathe. he felt like he couldn’t breathe because seyoon, his roommate, his friend, his noodle boy, and the person he’d fallen in love with was dead. gone forever, and taken away much too soon.

My first endeavor to portray her was clumsy and awkward--I had so many ideas bouncing around in my head, and while I knew what I wanted her characterization to be, I didn’t know where I wanted her to go or why. I got lost on the way to finding out, and became unhappy with what she had turned into. By then, I’d been struggling with depression and (at the time) undiagnosed bipolar disorder for almost two years, and it magnified all my disappointment and self-doubt. I was still very much an elitist brat back then, undeservedly, and my lingering frustration over the differences between forum rp and tumblr rp contributed a lot to my problems. I deactivated on February 21, 2014. I remember it being tearful, because of how much I adored my little alien.

A month passed. Exams at law school were winding down, and I needed a creative outlet to help me come down from the stress. On April 18, 2014, I re-made Vartouhi’s blog. I had renewed inspiration, and a determination to do her justice. I failed two more times, but refused to give up. Instead, I simply pressed a metaphorical reset button, starting her story over at day one, both times with a notice posted on dash to let my followers know. Eventually, I started to slow down as real life began to speed up. I made this blog as a way to start anew, while picking up from where Vartouhi’s story left off on the previous blog.

I made and lost so many friends along the way. Some, I let go. Some, let go of me. Some, understandably so. Some, in ways that I’m salty over to this day. Some, I reconnected with later. And some, I lost again. I want to thank every single person, even those that hurt me, even those that, to this day, I refuse to associate with. Without every single one of you, I wouldn’t have taken the steps I did, I wouldn’t have gone down the path I did, I wouldn’t be where I am.

Vartouhi is a very special muse to me. I didn’t write her to be me, or even a lot like me. She is shy, I am bold. She is soft-spoken, I am loud. She hates sweets, and I love them. We share some similarities--we are both honest to a fault and we feel very deeply--but what we share the most, I think, is in our struggles. I didn’t realize it until late 2014, but Vartouhi has been my outlet for a lot of my subconscious worries, stresses, and fears. There are many examples, but the most prominent is the thing I struggle with the most, even to this day: fear of uncertainty, especially in regards to the future. As I continued to roleplay her, I realized her story was meant to be one of finding self-love. And over the years, with therapy and support from friends and family, as Vartouhi slowly began to put that daunting puzzle together, so did I. As she grew up, so did I. We are both still placing puzzle pieces, working towards that ultimate goal.

So now, I’d like to take some time to thank some specific people who have been with us on this journey.

MY GOLDEN FOUR:

@lusineinthesky: My best friend since we were at daycare. We got into roleplaying around the same time, on Neopets, and all these years later we’re still at it. You’ve always been a phenomenal writer, and I was honored that you took up Lusine’s role. You’ve taken a small blurb I wrote for her and flourished her into pages and pages of rich character portrayal, character development, and expansion, and I’m so happy to see all of it. Thank you for taking care of her. Thank you for hearing out my headcanons--I still laugh over the time we were in my room talking about the sea monster and you said Lusine would be like “This ain’t my first rodeo” to a confused Earthling. Thank you for everything, for being in my life, for being a great rp partner, for being an amazing friend.

@shadowraiths​: In May 2012, I started my first blog on tumblr rp. I hated it and left it behind to go study abroad in South Korea. While I was abroad, I fell into depression, and came back to tumblr rp to escape. That’s when we met--that second blog. So, you’ve been there from basically the beginning of the darkest time of my life, shining light with your kindness and friendship. I was such a brat to you so many times, but you forgave me over and over. I still maintain that you give too many chances to people who don’t actually deserve them. I just hope that after all this time, I’ve grown into a friend who deserves your forgiveness. You are such a versatile writer with a real gift for setting a mood, and with such a rich and distinctive voice. Thank you for being my friend.

@stellarade​: You came into my life when I started Vartouhi’s second blog, right at the beginning. I remember my first message to you, was to tell you that you had mixed up the names somewhere in your pages. I was so nervous to send that message, because your pages were filled with so much detailed, well-written information. I couldn’t believe you had followed me, honestly. Your writing and character creation felt, and still feels, way out of my league. But I’m glad that you closed the gap and continued reaching out to me, anyway. I’ve told you this before, many times, but I truly treasure you. Thank you for all of the advice, all of the times you heard me and gave me your input, all of the understanding and forgiveness, and all of our little, sporadic bursts of conversation--yes, even the ones about Kaisoo.

@xlusory​: You also came about early on Vartouhi’s second blog, left, and then came back. You told me you had specifically gone looking for me, because you really liked my muse, and you were glad I was still around. You were the first person to ever say something like that to me, and I was really touched. And you continued to make me feel like my muse and I were appreciated, every time you were curious about Vartouhi or her home world. You and Jongin asked so many questions, and it helped me so much with building her world more and more. To this day, sometimes when I think of their alternate universe where Jongin didn’t die and they finally got married, it gives me ideas for new headcanons, as I realize more alien-wife-cultural-difference issues Jongin would run into. What’s more, you gave me my first “successful” ship, and you’re the only ship partner I’ve ever had that I still keep in contact with to this day. Thank you for always entertaining my endless what-ifs. Thank you for running with my wild ideas. Thank you for being so genuinely interested in Vartouhi and her world. Thank you for being such a precious friend.

ADMIRATIONS AND INSPIRATIONS:

@orphanchen​: This is going to sound very strange, but your sassiness inspires me. And oddly, the fact that sometimes the sassiness runs out, and it gets to you, and you let it show, is inspiring. It’s taught me a lot about what is bullshit, what doesn’t actually matter. And it’s taught me that sometimes the bullshit is a lot, and it weighs you down, and that’s normal and no one should fault you for that. Being strong all the time isn’t normal and I shouldn’t hold myself or anyone else to such an unattainable standard. It’s not healthy for us. And then, of course, there’s your resilience. You’ve been around almost as long as Vartouhi has, because I’m fairly certain we met in 2014. Through all the bullshit, you’ve picked up and kept going, and it really helped me do the same. Your muses’ dialogue is most impressive, to me, because you have a lot of threads of conversation, but it stays interesting. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever emulate that, given how weirdly Touhi talks, but with you in mind, I keep trying, at least, and that’s what matters.

@pseudonyist​: You were an inspiration back when we first met, with your muse that was a little uniquely mutant, your plot ideas, and your writing. And you’ve continued to inspire me since then, no matter the blog or muse. It takes talent to have multiple muses, and have them all so varied and nuanced and interesting. I’ve said before that you’re the sort of writer that makes me want to be better, that motivates me to try harder. That still applies to this day. Thank you for being so kind to me and putting up with my super slow replies. I’m going to make an effort to be quicker, this time, because I genuinely want to roleplay with you more.

@gujoja​: I’ve told you before that I was really nervous to talk to you... I really admired your muses, how different they all were but how interesting they all were, and that they were all supernatural and scifi muses. It was like finding a goldmine! And then you seemed funny and nice from what you posted on dash sometimes, and I had such a strong intuition that you’re a really good rp partner, and I’ve never had that kind of sense about an rper I hadn’t talked to before. So, I think I was nervous because I really really wanted you to like me--I hoped to be an rp partner you could be excited about, too. Given my slow replies and my short bursts of conversation, I’m not sure I’ve managed yet, but I hope someday I’ll get there. In the meantime, thank you for being patient with my overeager, awkward self.

@lilvcsxngs: You roleplay how you want, unapologetically, and that is so inspiring to me. You don’t sweat the small stuff. Your blog constantly reminds me that rp is about having fun and as long as no one’s getting hurt, I shouldn’t feel so much pressure to be what other people expect me to be. Thank you for that. Thank you for following me again in the first place. I know I reblogged your ad, but still, you didn’t have to, and we didn’t remember each other right away, but guess what? It means both of us caught each other’s interest all over again! Which I think bodes really well for our compatibility. You are such a sweetheart and through that, I am slowly coming out of my shell and trusting others more. And, you are so patient with me when I take forever to reply. I know you say I shouldn’t worry, but I want to be more like you--so inspired and motivated to write, that I can do replies more frequently. So thank you, for being patient, and for being an inspiration to me to be better.

@kkairon: I can’t properly tag you, because I’m not following you, which is funny considering this post follows the format of a “follow forever.” You probably don’t even get on that blog anymore, or maybe on tumblr at all anymore. I’ve never forgotten the “Send a URL and I’ll give my honest opinion on:” meme you did for me. It’s something I think about to this day, when I’m thinking about what I’d like to do with Vartouhi next. I always admired your characterization of Kai--you really nailed Tony Stark!--and your writing in general, because it was always entertaining to read. Like genuinely so; it was like getting updates for your favorite fanfiction, whenever you posted. You remain a source of inspiration that hasn’t faded. Thank you for that.

@oitxra , @lxtent , @crazyinlvv , @xlikemilk , @powerpuffs , @nsfwcop , @seyoou , @flvwersng , @syntheorem-archived , @flashan , @yn-ravn , @yukeo , @viulis , @vuotriste , @espiritnoir , @iso2108 , @exist-coll , @aeraaz , @yubdot , @selecsoo , @estravaganzae , @sugarluhan , @xiaomagissa