#yukeo

My first endeavor to portray her was clumsy and awkward--I had so many ideas bouncing around in my head, and while I knew what I wanted her characterization to be, I didn’t know where I wanted her to go or why. I got lost on the way to finding out, and became unhappy with what she had turned into. By then, I’d been struggling with depression and (at the time) undiagnosed bipolar disorder for almost two years, and it magnified all my disappointment and self-doubt. I was still very much an elitist brat back then, undeservedly, and my lingering frustration over the differences between forum rp and tumblr rp contributed a lot to my problems. I deactivated on February 21, 2014. I remember it being tearful, because of how much I adored my little alien.

A month passed. Exams at law school were winding down, and I needed a creative outlet to help me come down from the stress. On April 18, 2014, I re-made Vartouhi’s blog. I had renewed inspiration, and a determination to do her justice. I failed two more times, but refused to give up. Instead, I simply pressed a metaphorical reset button, starting her story over at day one, both times with a notice posted on dash to let my followers know. Eventually, I started to slow down as real life began to speed up. I made this blog as a way to start anew, while picking up from where Vartouhi’s story left off on the previous blog.

I made and lost so many friends along the way. Some, I let go. Some, let go of me. Some, understandably so. Some, in ways that I’m salty over to this day. Some, I reconnected with later. And some, I lost again. I want to thank every single person, even those that hurt me, even those that, to this day, I refuse to associate with. Without every single one of you, I wouldn’t have taken the steps I did, I wouldn’t have gone down the path I did, I wouldn’t be where I am.

Vartouhi is a very special muse to me. I didn’t write her to be me, or even a lot like me. She is shy, I am bold. She is soft-spoken, I am loud. She hates sweets, and I love them. We share some similarities--we are both honest to a fault and we feel very deeply--but what we share the most, I think, is in our struggles. I didn’t realize it until late 2014, but Vartouhi has been my outlet for a lot of my subconscious worries, stresses, and fears. There are many examples, but the most prominent is the thing I struggle with the most, even to this day: fear of uncertainty, especially in regards to the future. As I continued to roleplay her, I realized her story was meant to be one of finding self-love. And over the years, with therapy and support from friends and family, as Vartouhi slowly began to put that daunting puzzle together, so did I. As she grew up, so did I. We are both still placing puzzle pieces, working towards that ultimate goal.

So now, I’d like to take some time to thank some specific people who have been with us on this journey.

MY GOLDEN FOUR:

@lusineinthesky: My best friend since we were at daycare. We got into roleplaying around the same time, on Neopets, and all these years later we’re still at it. You’ve always been a phenomenal writer, and I was honored that you took up Lusine’s role. You’ve taken a small blurb I wrote for her and flourished her into pages and pages of rich character portrayal, character development, and expansion, and I’m so happy to see all of it. Thank you for taking care of her. Thank you for hearing out my headcanons--I still laugh over the time we were in my room talking about the sea monster and you said Lusine would be like “This ain’t my first rodeo” to a confused Earthling. Thank you for everything, for being in my life, for being a great rp partner, for being an amazing friend.

@shadowraiths​: In May 2012, I started my first blog on tumblr rp. I hated it and left it behind to go study abroad in South Korea. While I was abroad, I fell into depression, and came back to tumblr rp to escape. That’s when we met--that second blog. So, you’ve been there from basically the beginning of the darkest time of my life, shining light with your kindness and friendship. I was such a brat to you so many times, but you forgave me over and over. I still maintain that you give too many chances to people who don’t actually deserve them. I just hope that after all this time, I’ve grown into a friend who deserves your forgiveness. You are such a versatile writer with a real gift for setting a mood, and with such a rich and distinctive voice. Thank you for being my friend.

@stellarade​: You came into my life when I started Vartouhi’s second blog, right at the beginning. I remember my first message to you, was to tell you that you had mixed up the names somewhere in your pages. I was so nervous to send that message, because your pages were filled with so much detailed, well-written information. I couldn’t believe you had followed me, honestly. Your writing and character creation felt, and still feels, way out of my league. But I’m glad that you closed the gap and continued reaching out to me, anyway. I’ve told you this before, many times, but I truly treasure you. Thank you for all of the advice, all of the times you heard me and gave me your input, all of the understanding and forgiveness, and all of our little, sporadic bursts of conversation--yes, even the ones about Kaisoo.

@xlusory​: You also came about early on Vartouhi’s second blog, left, and then came back. You told me you had specifically gone looking for me, because you really liked my muse, and you were glad I was still around. You were the first person to ever say something like that to me, and I was really touched. And you continued to make me feel like my muse and I were appreciated, every time you were curious about Vartouhi or her home world. You and Jongin asked so many questions, and it helped me so much with building her world more and more. To this day, sometimes when I think of their alternate universe where Jongin didn’t die and they finally got married, it gives me ideas for new headcanons, as I realize more alien-wife-cultural-difference issues Jongin would run into. What’s more, you gave me my first “successful” ship, and you’re the only ship partner I’ve ever had that I still keep in contact with to this day. Thank you for always entertaining my endless what-ifs. Thank you for running with my wild ideas. Thank you for being so genuinely interested in Vartouhi and her world. Thank you for being such a precious friend.

ADMIRATIONS AND INSPIRATIONS:

@orphanchen​: This is going to sound very strange, but your sassiness inspires me. And oddly, the fact that sometimes the sassiness runs out, and it gets to you, and you let it show, is inspiring. It’s taught me a lot about what is bullshit, what doesn’t actually matter. And it’s taught me that sometimes the bullshit is a lot, and it weighs you down, and that’s normal and no one should fault you for that. Being strong all the time isn’t normal and I shouldn’t hold myself or anyone else to such an unattainable standard. It’s not healthy for us. And then, of course, there’s your resilience. You’ve been around almost as long as Vartouhi has, because I’m fairly certain we met in 2014. Through all the bullshit, you’ve picked up and kept going, and it really helped me do the same. Your muses’ dialogue is most impressive, to me, because you have a lot of threads of conversation, but it stays interesting. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever emulate that, given how weirdly Touhi talks, but with you in mind, I keep trying, at least, and that’s what matters.

@pseudonyist​: You were an inspiration back when we first met, with your muse that was a little uniquely mutant, your plot ideas, and your writing. And you’ve continued to inspire me since then, no matter the blog or muse. It takes talent to have multiple muses, and have them all so varied and nuanced and interesting. I’ve said before that you’re the sort of writer that makes me want to be better, that motivates me to try harder. That still applies to this day. Thank you for being so kind to me and putting up with my super slow replies. I’m going to make an effort to be quicker, this time, because I genuinely want to roleplay with you more.

@gujoja​: I’ve told you before that I was really nervous to talk to you... I really admired your muses, how different they all were but how interesting they all were, and that they were all supernatural and scifi muses. It was like finding a goldmine! And then you seemed funny and nice from what you posted on dash sometimes, and I had such a strong intuition that you’re a really good rp partner, and I’ve never had that kind of sense about an rper I hadn’t talked to before. So, I think I was nervous because I really really wanted you to like me--I hoped to be an rp partner you could be excited about, too. Given my slow replies and my short bursts of conversation, I’m not sure I’ve managed yet, but I hope someday I’ll get there. In the meantime, thank you for being patient with my overeager, awkward self.

@lilvcsxngs: You roleplay how you want, unapologetically, and that is so inspiring to me. You don’t sweat the small stuff. Your blog constantly reminds me that rp is about having fun and as long as no one’s getting hurt, I shouldn’t feel so much pressure to be what other people expect me to be. Thank you for that. Thank you for following me again in the first place. I know I reblogged your ad, but still, you didn’t have to, and we didn’t remember each other right away, but guess what? It means both of us caught each other’s interest all over again! Which I think bodes really well for our compatibility. You are such a sweetheart and through that, I am slowly coming out of my shell and trusting others more. And, you are so patient with me when I take forever to reply. I know you say I shouldn’t worry, but I want to be more like you--so inspired and motivated to write, that I can do replies more frequently. So thank you, for being patient, and for being an inspiration to me to be better.

@kkairon: I can’t properly tag you, because I’m not following you, which is funny considering this post follows the format of a “follow forever.” You probably don’t even get on that blog anymore, or maybe on tumblr at all anymore. I’ve never forgotten the “Send a URL and I’ll give my honest opinion on:” meme you did for me. It’s something I think about to this day, when I’m thinking about what I’d like to do with Vartouhi next. I always admired your characterization of Kai--you really nailed Tony Stark!--and your writing in general, because it was always entertaining to read. Like genuinely so; it was like getting updates for your favorite fanfiction, whenever you posted. You remain a source of inspiration that hasn’t faded. Thank you for that.

@oitxra , @lxtent , @crazyinlvv , @xlikemilk , @powerpuffs , @nsfwcop , @seyoou , @flvwersng , @syntheorem-archived , @flashan , @yn-ravn , @yukeo , @viulis , @vuotriste , @espiritnoir , @iso2108 , @exist-coll , @aeraaz , @yubdot , @selecsoo , @estravaganzae , @sugarluhan , @xiaomagissa