#super negative

Well, here’s a fact about my dad: he thinks he needs to be in control of every fucking thing so long as it involves me or my mom. He also has this undying belief that you don’t quit a job without another one lined up, and that it’s incredibly important to find one with benefits.

And like, sure, that’s true - for people who don’t have to worry about their lives being put at risk. Which is the situation I’ve been in the past 2 fucking months.

I quit my previous job bc they did not handle covid well, if at all. The would not shut down during an outbreak, and went so far as to hide it. Nothing changed in the 2 months since my last working day there - customer mask rules are not enfouced, and none of my coworkers were encouraged to be tested despite several of us catching the virus.

Well, today I scheduled an interview with a company I’ve worked for in the past. I have that interview tomorrow, so I asked my mom if she wouldn’t mind bringing me some professional shoes that I left at their house, bc I didn’t bring anything like that with me.

Well, I got this from her not long after I made the call and I’m livid.

First of all, neither of them need to be involved with my shit. As of right now, my dad does not pay for ANYTHING except:

Health insurance (which I will be forced to pay on my own come February)

Therapy (that he fucking caused in the first place)

Secondly, my mother has nothing to do with this. There is not one reason she should be getting yelled at when I have made the decision to quit a job that put my health and possibly my life in danger. This isn’t her fucking decision, it’s mine.

Thirdly, these priorities are so fucked up. Benefits are good, yes, but what good are they if I’m dead? Considering the shit I’ve been through these past 2 months, there is not one doubt in my mind that a company would absolutely do everything in their power to try and get out of helping their employees. If they can fire me while I’m out with another illness within even a hair of it being legal, they’ll fucking do it. (Fun fact, any payment I’ve received from my previous job for covid has not been correct - they paid me within hours below my average work week, under my hourly rate.)

Going back to point one though, I have not lived under his goddamn roof since March of 2020. It’s been 9 motherfucking months. And he’s still trying to control the shit that I do. I should add that since he proved to be a fucking terror while I had covid, I haven’t directly spoken to him for more than a total of 5 minutes. 5 minutes of “conversation” in 2 motherfucking months. And it was only if he answered my mom’s cell phone (which he shouldn’t be doing in the first place, the fucking creep).

I can’t express enough the fear I feel when he says this kind of shit. He knows what he’s doing - when I was at the height of my symptoms and my mom was bringing me something, we didn’t fucking know he was in the car with her till Bacon heard his voice over the intercom of the gate caller, several days after he CALLED MY DAD to tell him to back off bc of the stress it was causing me. Do you know how fucked up that is? To come unannounced to imply “I know where you are and I can show up whenever I please”? And this isn’t even mentioning the fear I have of having a medical emergency and he tries to make a decision for me (especially after I realized that he wanted me on so many medications bc being emotionless made it easier to control me).

I know it’s hard for some people to understand why this shit is scary - it won’t make sense when you haven’t experienced the constant 20+ years of emotional abuse. But to be able to be in a poisition where I can look at this message and finally be able to clearly understand that it’s really fucked up is both empowering and terrifying. I don’t know what he’ll try to do when I finally tell him to never contact me again.

Sorry for the fucking long ass, depressing post. The stress from the past two months has finally started to hit me, and my anxiety is spiking bc of it. This might be the last straw that makes me have a meltdown tonight tbh (just a lot of crying and sleeping after).

like. it’s literally: tony breathes, let’s write 2k words of meta on the 932803829083 possible meanings of his breath, and also always take the most flattering possible take on his character and to use it as a way to frame him as the Best Person Ever(tm); steve has a half-scene that’s completely out of context and no one even knows what it means, let’s slam his entire character, say he has no arc (he has a very fucking clear arc about his role as a soldier and his relationship with authority, but who cares, it’s not the arc YOU want - aka, it’s not related to Tony - so it basically doesn’t exist), he doesn’t grow or evolve even though he’s been doing that since his very first appearance, MCU steve is Actually The Worst because I Said So, etc etc.

it’s just... so goddamn frustrating and upsetting and not fun at this point. i swear i’ve been in tons of fandons and ships and i’ve never seen one whose subfandom was so unbalanced. when i started getting into the ship i saw people saying some steve writers had left the fandom and moved on to stu//cky and i was like “wow, i wonder why”, and now i’m just like “oh yeah. oh yeah i fully get it”. it’s the tony fandom, with occasional participations by steve to let us all know how great and sad and misunderstood tony is. 

and i don’t WANT to leave, i really don’t, i’ve gotten such nice feedback on my writing and i have a lot of ideas i want to explore, but it’s s just... it’s getting draining, it’s ruining stuff for me. 

like i already don’t follow any tony blogs. i don’t follow anyone with that goddamn “t0ny st4rk defense squad” description. even reading tony meta is getting tiring for me lately, because it’s not even meta at this point, it’s just pure Whump, phrased in a more pedantic way. 

and now fandom is just leading me to dread actual canon stuff i was previously looking forward to/okay with. like the idea steve dying to save tony - i was fine with that because hey, my ship, and etc, but now i just hate the idea that this fandom who treats tony as steve’s sole reason for existing is gonna get validated in some way. 

idk. i still have my HE fic to write, and my MTH auctions to get to. this isn’t a “i’m jumping ship” post. this is more of a “...maybe i will jump ship in the future, maybe jumping ship is not that distant of a possibility to me” post, which makes me sad because i’ve never gotten to this point before. it has to do with other factors, sure, such as the fact that RL is really sucking right now and it’s just frustrating to not find escapism on the one thing that’s supposed to my fun hobby.  but, idk. it’s been in my mind lately.