#suicideattempt

November 4th 2020.

I've been dangerously suicidal for several days at this point. I went to group therapy in the morning as usual and then i went to see my mom so she could give me my winter tires. After she left i went to the drugstore to buy the pills. I then went to my psychologist appointment. At first he told me that he saw that i was not doing well and that i had to change my speech before i left orelse he was going to send me to the E.R. I managed to convince him i was alright to go home and that I was going to be able to keep myself safe until next week. And honestly i was ok before i left. I had to drive about 2h to go back home. After an hour the thoughts were fully back and i was shaking from them as they were so strong. I stopped at a truckstop and called my friend. We talked for 45min. She tried to convince me to go back to the hospital or to go home and not kms but in my head it was either dying or going home and do as if nothing happened. So i told her i was going to go home and we hung up. I messaged my therapist hoping he would see my message and call me but he was already out of the office at the time. So i drove aimlessly for a while, looking for a place to park my car and finally parked in an empty parking lot. I took out all of the pills and all the edibles i had and contemplated what i was about to do. I poured the edibles in my hand and said "fuck it", took them all. Found a water bottle and started to shove handfuls of pills down my throat. I took a lot of one kind and then some of everything else i had just to make sure i would fuck myself up real bad. I then hid the bottles in the trunk of the car so the paramedics wouldnt know what i took and wouldnt know what to treat me for. Then i made myself comfortable in the back of the car, programmed 2 text messages to send 30mins later and after that i dont remember anything.

From what i got told my friend called 911 as soon as she got my text, they got to me and apparently i was still conscious. I woke up 2 days later intubated, with multiple IVs, with a catheter and very disoriented.

I spent a couple days in the ICU, i had hallucinations for 2 days and got sent to the psychward. I didn't have any organ damage but let's say that my heartrate has been all over the place since then.