#suerhero

Chapter 3 Page 10 of (k)Nights!

Most parts of being a superhero are very exciting. You’re vanquishing monsters, disabling missiles on the fly, breaking the sound barrier and then scrambling to fix it before anybody notices and bills you. Uninformed bystanders might even claim that when you’re a superhero, there’s never a dull moment. Well those people are wrong and they should be hurtled into the nearest volcano for their hubris. (Before you continue with this line of reasoning, I’ve taken the liberty of reading through our archives and regret to inform you that you’ve said that very thing here in this post.) Ah for real? Dang. Well, yeah, whatever, I deserve to be thrown into a volcano for my hubris, this isn’t the first time my hubris has been my downfall and it sure as shirt won’t be the last! But yeah, some parts of being a superhero are going to be dull, tedious, and occasionally seem like a waste of time. There are times where you’ll have to read up on your enemies or the latest ancient myth that turned out to be true. There will be times when you’ll have to travel long distances through land, air, sea, and space in order to confront some threat. And of course, you’re going to have to train. Gross. But I’m here to tell you that there’s another way. A way to condense all of the lengthy, arduous, tedium into just a few minutes. A way to complete all of your household chores and general superhero housekeeping into the time it takes for one heart-pumping song to play to completion. Let’s talk about montages, and how they can benefit you. 

You all know what a montage is right? You’ve seen movies? What? You’ve never watched a movie? Or seen a TV show? The only media you ever consume is this very blog and you spend all your time just waiting for the next update? Well, fair enough, I can’t argue with your life choices. You clearly know what you’re doing. Well, for those who are unfamiliar with the concept, a montage is a string of connected, often contextless scenes that serve to further a narrative without boring its audience. Usually with some mood-setting music playing over them. I’m sure there have been plenty of moments in your life when you’ve wished you could turn your life into a montage. When you’ve been crunching complex numbers and calculations so you can use math to resurrect people; when you’ve been trying to master your new rocket boots and can’t bear to experience twenty seven consecutive failed test runs in real time; when you have to go meet your teammate’s parents. Montages are the answer to many of life’s more time-consuming problems, and, since you live in a world where a giant panda named Maurice occasionally eats a telephone pole and nobody even raises an eyebrow, you can actually use them.

You see, montages are technically just another form of time travel, and people do that all the time. Well, there more of a happy medium between traveling through time the slow way and regular time travel. When you time travel the regular way, you leave the timeline at one point and reemerge at a different point. The process is instantaneous for you, but the world will go on as normal without you until it reaches the point you’ve traveled to. When you travel through time the slow way, you’re simply putting yourself out of action for a bit, (such as through cryogenic freezing or entering one of those anti-aging chambers they tell you about when you get stupid rich) while the world continues to move around you. When you montage, only your consciousness is hurtling forward in your time. Your body is still going through the motions of calling your entire extended family to apologize for what has come to be known as “The Great Thanksgiving Peacock Travesty/Fiasco/A Good Man Died Should We Really Be Making a Joke About This?” or going for regular morning jogs. If you do it right and do it well, nobody except for you will even know you’re doing it. What a fun little secret! 

In order to montage properly, you need a small, wearable time traveling device, a casual disregard for the terms and agreements of said device, and a killer playlist. With some quick tinkering that’s sure to put you in violation of your warranty and possibly several international laws I don’t know I am not a lawyer, you can bypass any and all safety measures contained within the device, thereby allowing it to separate your consciousness from your body. (Is that safe you ask? Of course not, but the alternative is cooking 5,000 personal sized crembules for the annual superhero crembule and foosball festival which is actually apparently a real thing all by yourself in real time and as far as I’m concerned that is not an option.) Then all you have to do is get an adapter and plug the time drive into your personal music player and pick a good song and bam! The time drive will look into the future, see how long it’s going to take you to do what it is you don’t want to spend time doing and, from your perspective, condense that time into the time it takes for your chosen song to play out. Of course to any outside observers your body will just be diligently doing the work while your favorite song plays in slow motion, but who cares about outside observers. They should go get a real job or something instead of observing you. 

While your consciousness flits in and out of your body while your song plays, your body and other functions will essentially be on overdrive. It helps to have thought out a plan of work/speech/attack for whatever you’re skipping out on so your body has some form of direction from your subconscious mind. You won’t be able to improvise or think of your feet as well, which could be disastrous if you’re montaging having important conversations. Or if you’re montaging your way through the six weeks of improv classes your brother-in-law got you as a gift so you guys could “hang out in a non-gladiator-death-match environment for once.” But for simple repetitive tasks you should be fine. If your body isn’t a useless slab of meat like mine and can be trusted to do easy tasks without falling over instantly, you can even forego any forethought and just hop right into a montage.

It behooves me to caution against some of the other downsides of montaging. There’s a reason it’s not an advertised function of time machines and why it might actually be a crime once again I do not know I am not a lawyer and I montaged my way through my research day for this topic and did not retain anything. Like any form of time travel, montaging will cause you to miss out on parts of your life. Sure, they’re usually the boring or distasteful parts, but those parts have value too (allegedly). Working hard teaches you how to dedicate yourself to tasks, how to value hard work (nobody knows more about hard work than me, I frequent the gym. The gym. And it’s not even a gym in my apartment building or anything. I have to walk to the gym. Working out before I even work out) and how to be patient. Also, you never know when you’re going to receive free ice cream from the Ice Cream Fairy, and if your useless meat slab is stuck on autopilot you might not have the wherewithal to gleefully accept the free ice cream. Alternatively, you never know when danger might strike and, as a superhero, you can be pretty sure that it’s going to strike just as soon as you launch your consciousness all the way to the end of “Ice Ice Baby”. (Nobody knows more about danger striking instantly than me! My gym, the one that I walk to that I mentioned just before. Is also a gym for cars. It’s got like a track that cars go and race around but sometimes the cars get lost and/or confused and wander into the people part of the gym. At any moment you can be throwing dumbbells or bench pressing a balance beam and a car can just come revving at you with no regard for the signs saying that its in the people part of the gym. To avoid being killed by a car in my gym that I go to for exercise I’ve started wearing bright green workout pants because to cars green means go and I’m telling them to go away and not hit me.) 

Unknown part of captain Marvel.

Yesterday Captain Marvel’s trailer was released with lots of aawws’ and oohhs’ from the marvel fans. Because there was a hint about captain Marvel’s arrival in the upcoming Avengers 4 movie. So everyone is curious to know about this Captain Marvel. Who is this captain Marvel?

Captain Marvel is actually a girl

According to Marvel comics captain Marvel is a normal lady who worked in the Air force.…