I’ve been wrestling with the idea lately that I might be non-binary. Specifically agender femme. I’ve always presented as a woman, and certainly being seen as a woman while having an estrogen-y body has been easiest and safest for me. But I guess the whole “you’re a girl” thing has never quite felt like it fit me. Whenever someone would say “you’re a girl”, my internal reaction was always “uh, sure, I guess.” I like feminine things like fashion and makeup, but I’ve never felt like those were important to my gender identity. I mean, these are aesthetic choices I’m making, they’re not some inherent part of who I am.
But then I worry that calling myself non-binary would be encroaching on queer space that I don’t really have a right to. I was AFAB, I present as feminine, I don’t feel dysphoric about my body. Maybe I’m just jumping on the NB bandwagon because I want to feel special, not due to any real identity issues.
Of course, that’s the exact same reason why I rejected the idea that I was bisexual back in middle and high school, and part of why I still struggle to accept my bisexuality now. I know that bisexuality doesn’t require a perfect 50/50 attraction between men and women (especially given that that excludes NB people from the equation), but when I’m attracted to more men than women I can’t help but think that I’m a straight woman faking it, that the women I am attracted to are flukes that don’t count. And also sometimes I think I’m actually a lesbian who happens to enjoy penises, and I’m somehow just leading my husband on because men are awful.
This may all come down to the fact that I’m passing. If I don’t say anything, people will assume that I’m a cis woman. If I don’t speak up, people see my husband and assume that I’m straight. Hell, most people assume that I’m able-bodied until I have a coughing fit or I outright tell them otherwise.
Certainly I’m grateful that I can pass, because it’s safer, because I don’t get as much disrespect, because it’s just easier to blend in sometimes. But it also means that my struggles are ignored, my identities are less validated, I feel like I’m “faking”.
So am I non-binary? I’m not sure yet. I have to do more research. But I know I want to be seen, I want to feel like I’m not alone. I want to stop feeling like I’m doing gender “wrong” somehow, and maybe non-binary, for me, is doing gender “right”.
