Iāve been wrestling with the idea lately that I might be non-binary. Specifically agender femme. Iāve always presented as a woman, and certainly being seen as a woman while having an estrogen-y body has been easiest and safest for me. But I guess the wholeĀ āyouāre a girlā thing has never quite felt like it fit me.Ā Whenever someone would say āyouāre a girlā, my internal reaction was always āuh, sure, I guess.ā I like feminine things like fashion and makeup, but Iāve never felt like those were important to my gender identity. I mean, these are aesthetic choices Iām making, theyāre not some inherent part of who I am.
But then I worry that calling myself non-binary would be encroaching on queer space that I donāt really have a right to. I was AFAB, I present as feminine, I donāt feel dysphoric about my body. Maybe Iām just jumping on the NB bandwagon because I want to feel special, not due to any real identity issues.
Of course, thatās the exact same reason why I rejected the idea that I was bisexual back in middle and high school, and part of why I still struggle to accept my bisexuality now. I know that bisexuality doesnāt require a perfect 50/50 attraction between men and women (especially given that that excludes NB people from the equation), but when Iām attracted to more men than women I canāt help but think that Iām a straight woman faking it, that the women I am attracted to are flukes that donāt count. And also sometimes I think Iām actually a lesbian who happens to enjoy penises, and Iām somehow just leading my husband on because men are awful.
This may all come down to the fact that Iām passing. If I donāt say anything, people will assume that Iām a cis woman. If I donāt speak up, people see my husband and assume that Iām straight. Hell, most people assume that Iām able-bodied until I have a coughing fit or I outright tell them otherwise.
Certainly Iām grateful that I can pass, because itās safer, because I donāt get as much disrespect, because itās just easier to blend in sometimes. But it also means that my struggles are ignored, my identities are less validated, I feel like IāmĀ āfakingā.
So am I non-binary? Iām not sure yet. I have to do more research. But I know I want to be seen, I want to feel like Iām not alone. I want to stop feeling like Iām doing genderĀ āwrongā somehow, and maybe non-binary, for me, is doing genderĀ ārightā.
