(you know who you are)

Surely Meghan & Harry knew about the (2015) Arizonian wellness firm: Archetypes LLC

Audio Producer Farrah Safari actually interviewed Allison Yarrow NOT Meghan Markle

F*ing Grifters

Podcast plummeted & barely holds a ranking

Attorneys requested an extension

…..there used to be a time when you had a pretty good idea who the dodgy f*ckers knicking stuff were…..they usually wore snazzy outfits like stripey jumpers and had bags with SWAG written on them…..and usually yelled out snappy catchphrases…..

…..but now it seems the supposed good guys were probably the bad guys all along…..I mean, bankers and corporations were obviously dodgy af, and most people thought that a fair few politicians were a bit crooked and fiddling their expenses and allowances a bit, but now they’re so blatantly shifting billions by awarding iffy contracts for overpriced crap to companies that their in-laws and mates own…..and with all the austerity, and price hikes, and wage freezes…..it seems that the chosen few are now the only ones with large amounts of cash…..

…..they’re robbing your taxes, they’re robbing your wages, and they’re robbing anything you’ve got online…..so what I’m saying is, don’t trust nobody with nuffin…..keep your hand on your wallet and make all your passwords so crazy that even you can’t remember them…..I’ve got everything double locked down here…..I’ve even had to add extra security measures at home because @loveaxiomatic​ keeps trying to steel my cheese stash…..

…..so what’s coming up next?…..a bunch of songs about thieving and stealing and that kind of thing……

Stolen Kisses 😘

love(looks like homemade dude stuff)axiomatic

But what they’re never expecting is it actually happened to me once.

Waaaay back in middle school (7th grade), I didn’t have my own bass (who would give their kid an expensive and fragile instrument that they’re probably going to lose interest in??) and had to use a school owned bass. There were lots of us across all the grades (10-15 I think) and there were only 8 basses, so there were multiple people using each one.

So it’s concert night and we’re all crowded into this stupid little “multipurpose room”. I need to ask the teacher a question and I leave my bass with some friends, who were only paying half attention. I turn my back for LITERALLY 2 seconds to look the teacher in the eye. I mean what can go wrong in 2 seconds?

Well I turn around and go back and my bass is GONE.

My friends have NO IDEA where it went

Like how do you miss someone stealing a 5 and a half foot (it was a half size) tall instrument?!?! HOW?!

I see the eighth grader that also plays it and he doesn’t have it.

I didn’t start getting panic attacks until 8th grade, but OOOHHHH BOY WAS I CLOSE at that moment. I knew nothing but that I HAD TO FIND IT

So after several minutes of running around in general panic, I find it.

There is this guy. Sitting there all alone. Smiling. In a stupid little Santa hat. And lemme tell you, that innocent smiling face there with his CONTRABAND had me SEEING RED. Looks like nobody told me our bass had another user. And this asshole just up and steals it. Like he just saw it and went “Wonder how my bass got here, better swipe it all sneaky and such” Oh good lord I was so mad.

So obviously I march up there, grab the contraband, and just start SCREAMING at him.

And you know what he does? He’s being all POLITE. And SWEET. And NICE. And PLEASANT. While I’m screaming at him. And it’s PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF. He’s just like “Oh wow, I didn’t know I share this, I thought I was the only one, nice to meet you! :3″ (I swear to God he actually made that face) and I’m that GIF of angry flaming Hades from that Disney movie Hercules.

So after a good few minutes of trying to fucking KILL the personification of a cinnamon roll (Don’t worry, he’s fine, we later put our difference aside and like totally love each other), I finally return to my friends and was like “Jfc I’m never leaving my bass alone again, little bitch in a stupid Santa hat stole my fucking bass!” 

And I kept my word.

Also I just now realized that if homeboy can steal a whole bass without anybody noticing, maybe I should take his threats of sneaking through my bedroom window and cutting off my ponytail a little more seriously.