#stemming

Ik verblijf aan zee in het land dat daarna is vernoemd: Zeeland. Het is hier nat, zilt, winderig en soms vervuld van zomerse pracht en praal. Er wordt hier gepronkt op het droge. De stemming is als de schilderijen van Richard Parques Bonington en Malcolm Morley. Richard Parques Bonington (1802-1828, Brits) Malcolm Morley (1931-2018, Brits)

#28. Daughter of the pirate king

I freaked the fuck out over the smallest things sometimes. Didn’t know it was because everything was building up inside of me and felt stupid for crying over mascara

Needing something explained to me step by step, and then thriving at it

Broken necklaces. Taking apart mechanical pencils and putting them back together again. Trying to wrangle my short hair into a braid. Needed that stem when I had no idea what stemming was.

Math class. I am hearing you, but I absolutely have no fucking idea what you’re saying

Thought I had hearing problems. Turns out I have audio processing problems

102% in history. 99% in English. 92% in science. 69.5% in math (barely got my C)

Feeling like I was about to explode and that everything (my clothes, my bed, my pillow) was suffocating me. Having to lay down for a while. Turns out that’s called sensory overload

Speaking of sensory overload, I have had short hair for the last six years because I can’t stand the feeling of hair on the back of my neck

Getting obsessed with something for a few months. People rolling their eyes at me. Turns out that’s called a hyperfixation.

I was at lunch, waiting in the hall to go to class when a classmate of mine saw me. She said, "(my name) stop being so awkward and socialize. It's easy."

I said, "Not when you're autistic."

"I've seen you socialize before." She said before she walked away.

At this point I rushed into the bathroom and hid in the stall.

The days prior to this my family (unknown to me until it was time to go) went to Cicis, where I stemmed (rocked back and forth) and went to a banquet at the school where I stemmed again and hid in the same bathroom stall.

I felt overwhelmed and insecure, especially when my parents pointed out I was stemming.

So that day, when I was called out, I was very stressed and overwhelmed as it was from being in yet another crowded and loud place.

Her calling me out on not socializing that day and looking awkward almost put me over the edge. I was ready to just call my mom and ask her to take me home early.