#starmbh

The episode starts off with Devavrat calling his mama to do a prakat and witness his oath. She doesn’t do a prakat, the skies are still all red-red, obviously this oath thing is not a good idea. (Sidenote: Neither elements of nature, nor characters in the actual epic are half the drama queens they’re portrayed as in this show) But no one cares, because plot. And the oath proceeds. Devavrat swears on his mother’s divinity, her purity and his father’s trust that he won’t be Hastina’s King, he’ll be its servant all his life. (Also. Mata Satyavati? That soon? Whoa. Dedication) Shantanu makes his horrified entry in the middle of his oath, which is one long oath. Anyway. Devavrat swears that he’ll give the Kingdom over to Satyavati’s kids, and for the sake of their future, he will abstain from marriage, from family and be a brahmachari all his life. For some reason, Satyavati is gaping like a fish. I dunno why. She’s gotten all she’s asked for, right? I see. She wasn’t expecting to. BTW, she’s looking rather horrified, too. Maybe she’s regretting it already… All this takes place to the music of ‘Dharme cha arthe cha kaame che moksha cha…” Should I assume it’s adharm? Probably. The waters of the Ganga begin boiling and shooting out like geysers. It is making clearer by the moment. Not a good idea. But what is done is done. Shantanu, idiot that he is, yells his son’s name after he’s done swearing the oath. He runs up to his son and goes “What have you done?” while Devavrat, quite coolly, goes ‘Pranipat, Pitashree.’ You gotta admire the man here, really, you got to. Apparently, Shantanu still wants to drown in self-pity, because he’s like “How could you take such a terrible oath (Bhishm pratigya)? You’ve forgotten that a gift too large is no pleasure, but punishment…” Dude. If you want to look for ways to remain wallowing in self-pity, everyone! Take lessons from Shantanu. I mean, what does it take for this guy to be happy? Devavrat, all Mr. Dutiful son, goes “No, no, dad, don’t say that! I haven’t given you any boons, just made sure the Kingdom of our ancestors remains afloat. I just pressed the delete button on all future problems!” Oh, dear. My beautiful summer child. You have no idea how horrendously you’re wrong. He continues in the same vein. “This is my duty as the crown prince.” Shantanu gleefully accepts it, saying, “Many people grant wishes, but few have the courage to accept it as duty.” He then asks for a chance to return the favor. Devavrat, who is a paragon of perfection here (which he is not in canon, so #canon fail 3, I guess) asks for the boon not to die until Hastinapur is ruled by Dharma and Samarth (talent) both. (In that vein, the King he dies for doesn’t have Samarth, afaik. He just uses his brothers’ Samarth for his purposes. But maybe I’m biased. Or maybe it counts anyway.) Cue the precap scene. He gets iccha mrityu and is also christened with the name Bhishm. Cue dramatic “Bhishm Bhishm Bhishm” music, followed by slow Bhishm theme.

We cut to a map. Quite a beautiful one. And focus on Panchal. We reach Panchal, where there is a crowd clamoring for the King to punish someone. Who could it freaking possibly be? Oh, shit. Shit. He’s Hastina’s Prince, Prince Vichitraveerya. (BTW, what kinda name is that?) Also, canon fail #4, I think. Vichitraveerya wasn’t ever this debauched in canon, afaik. Correct me if y’all remember something like that, okay?  Also, this guy gets a swell intro for someone who’s about to be punished, flogged, I guess. That guy, for his part, is watching the proceedings with a super creepy smile. He’s accused of drunk entry into Panchal and the crime of setting farms ablaze, which is a more serious crime than manslaughter, apparently. So he’s sentenced to death. Oh, yeah. He appears quite unconcerned, stating that his elder brother will come to his rescue. And then he goes on and spits on the Panchal King’s face. Bravado. The punishment begins. And…an arrow cuts through Mr. Drunk Trespasser’s bonds. Bhishm theme! Bhishm makes a dramatic entrance. A trading of words occurs, to the theme of ‘Your Prince messed up bad, we were just taking advantage of the situation.” Bhishm comes with a legit badass line, “Raavan thought he was taking advantage of the situation when he set fire on Hanuman’s tail. Do not set fire to Bhishm’s hear.” Dude. Badass. Referring to yourself in third person a la “Danger knows full well that Caesar is more dangerous than he,” type, much? Whoa. “Stop me if you can.” Mr. Panchal King yells “Attack!” An arrow flies, Bhishm stops it in his hands, breaking the arrow. Behind him, the Hastinapur Army streams in from the gates. Mr. Panchal King tries to kill him by sleuth when he’s picking up his useless Prince. This guy smoothly disarms him and slaps him in the face for good measure. Mr. Panchal King, pissed, gives a shraap. “Bhishm! You will pay for what you did. The cause of your death will be born here in Panchal!” Bhishm just gives a look as he leaves.

Camera focuses on psycho Princess #1, psycho lady #2. Amba. I dunno why, for some reason, this adaptation is showing too many women as psychotic. Canon fail #5. Neither Amba nor Satyavati are this psychotic.  Then follows a cringey love scene b/w Amba and Shalva. Before which the maiden sets fires to fields, and probably to her men also. Scene change. Camera pans to pathetic Vichitraveerya, who’s getting a lecture on the ills of alcoholism and the strength expected in a Crown Prince. He’s pleading for mercy as Bhishm easily manhandles him all over an arena, finally falling at his mama’s feet. Psycho mama fusses over her stupid kiddo. She scolds Bhishm for disciplining her son who had after all, only humiliated an enemy. Canon note: Was Panchal really Hastina’s enemy back then? Dunno. Bhishm is like “He’s a crown Prince. He cannot be weak.” Right, bro. Psycho mum: “You are his strength.” Followed by “A King’s body is like a golden chalice.” Bhishm nods. “But for the chalice to attain respect, it should be at the pinnacle of a temple. I only wish for Vichitraveerya to be like father, his name to be taken with respect in the people’s voice.” Rational, really. But psycho mama is having none of that, as she clutches her drunk and staggering kid close. And..skip. Because Krishna Gyaan. Wait, let’s at least know the theme of the lecture, yes? It’s about the duty of parents. Alright. Skip again. Precap: The Kashi Princesses are having a Swayamvar. Psycho princess is making eyes at Shalva. On the other side, Satyavati is asking Bhishma to bring the 3 princesses of Kashi to Hastina as brides for her drunk kid.

Okay, so the viewer is kinda looking down from heaven, alright. This is cool…man this show has damn hot sets! I’m not sure what the music is supposed to be, romantic, maybe, but it’s just putting me off, and lulling me to sleep. And…the series begins! With a canon fail right off the bat!! Canon fail #1: Satyavati was NOT Shantanu’s mistress. He came across her fishing in the Yamuna, fell in love, had a boner more like, and petitioned her dad for marriage. Shantanu: A King whose ultimate wish is for memory loss. All the while having a boner. Wow. Ideal King, man. Satyavati: A lady who’s badass! Ambition makes sense, lady. Hello, fake fish! Satyavati suddenly looks like a psycho while she casts the line. But a psycho who’s independent. It’s almost ancient Indian Titanic accident, but this lady is a single-minded one. She’s got the fish. Almost. Her hands are bleeding. And, she’s caught it! There’s the boring music again. Followed by cringey sexy talk. “Iccha hai hriday ki shakti.” I kinda agree, but Krishna doesn’t, so that’s moot. Oh, no. There’s the telltale Krishna music, and here comes the part I always skip. Krishna Gyaan. That sounds really pretentious to my ears, I think something is wrong with me, because exactly these scenes receive rave reviews. He’s telling us about the wishes that drive humankind. Okay, not even for reviewing can I sit through this wank. Skip, skip, skip. He’s introducing the Mahabharat. Hello, show!

Enter humanoids, very terrible looking ones, in…a village of Hastinapur. I don’t think THAT can exist, so here comes… Canon fail #2: Hastinapur is a city. Kururashtra is the Kingdom. It’s a village in Kururashtra. But this is a very minor fail, I guess we can let it pass. But I doubt Shantanu was this terrible of a King that he didn’t put soldiers to patrol villages. There is an obligatory vandalism scene, and a damsel in distress calls upon the King. Oh, shit. This place has no Queen. Hence no yagnas. Gods rarely pay heed to yagnas, but without yagnas, they’re totes deaf. There’s another damsel in distress asking ‘Who will protect Hastinapur?” Boom! Enter Devavrata. We still don’t know that it’s him, BTW. But it’s totally not obvious. This guy is flying Tarzan! He materializes out of air in front of a kid who’s nearly being killed. Wow, he has a powerful voice. And Boom! Lone hero wins! There’s another irritating thing in this show: Arrows coming outta nowhere with a swish. Ah, such an honorable man…promising Rakshasas safety. Right after that, of course, a bunch of ‘em are killed. By Shantanu and his soldiers. But here comes our hero, protecting his allies. Philosophy too, bro. Wow. Shantanu is pissed. Of course, Devavrat takes mama’s help. Ganga. Ganga, who has a beautiful BG tune. Anyway, we ain’t there yet. #Bridge of arrows. Then Shantanu asks Devavrat “Who are ya? How can she listen to you?” Ganga’s the one who makes the announcement. “This is not just my son, but yours too. He’s your heir.” Immediate absolution. “I love you, my son!” Ancient Indian version. While Ganga is giving her sales patter, that she’s fulfilled her oath. And then she says, ‘A river is the Queen in every town she flows through…” Chill lady, this. BTW, this seems to be actual canon fail #2. I don’t think Devavrat made an entry like this in canon…but I might be wrong, Please correct me, experienced folks! There’s a truly beautiful panoramic shot, and a butterfly is flying surrounded by fireworks…did they exist back then? “Handwaves” Hey, what are fireworks compared to divine weapons? So yeah, I guess they did exist… Enter Satyavati and her maiden coterie, who’s trying to catch the butterfly, but catches Shantanu instead. If you ask me, the butterfly’s the better option. Shantanu’s still in the bliss of getting his goddess-begotten kid back…but Satyavati isn’t. Not that he notices. He’s here to take her with him. He’s planning on retiring and crowning his son and retreating with Satyavati after their marriage. She is not thrilled and makes it clear in a roundabout way. Not that Shantanu gets it. Until she makes it clear. Again, this is an extension of canon fail #1: It’s Satyavati’s father who makes the demand, as far as. I know, not Satyavati herself. I actually doubt she loved Shantanu in the first place. #EpicLoverBattle occurs. Kind of. She lays out an ultimatum. He foreshadows what is going to occur in the future: that is, Satyavati’s heart will bleed. And so the ground is set, to the tune of dragging music. Shantanu walks right into the coronation of Devavrat as the crown prince. Cue the coronation. Shot in all sorts of dramatic angles. Aw, he’s such a good son! Susses out that his dad is the doldrums after his lover’s spat. Those doldrums last for a damn long time, BTW. But that’s a little later. Right now, he announces Devavrat as the crown Prince of Hastinapur to a BG music that reminds me of the dramatic prairie-dog music from Jodhaa Akbar. Then there’s this classical song that precedes all the coronations in this series. The process looks very uncomfortable to me, actually. But who am I, a lowly commoner, to comment? Shantanu is in teary-eyed doldrums at first, which is followed by fits of rage. Devavrat gets concerned. My advice, buddy: DO NOT BE THIS GOOD OF A SON! DON’T! But you ain’t gonna listen. You’re too emotional right now. Too sad that you can’t fulfill your father’s wishes. So you decide to go on a hunger strike. Gosh, apparently this whole clan is populated with drama Queens. Shantanu pretends to be a good father and says that he’ll learn to live with his sadness. Devavrat promises to solve his father’s sad issues. And does. He goes and finds Satyavati. All respectful. He’s here to beg a boon of her. Of his father’s happiness. She’s sad, too. He’s confused. He has no idea of lovers, or lovers’ spats, sweet summer child. She tells him that she’ll always be sad if she marries the King. He asks her what is so lacking in Hastinapur? She wants respect. He’s like ‘I’ll give you respect. You’ll be the Queen first, and then the Royal Mother.” He promises to give her the respect due to a mother. But this lady is more ambitious than that. She wants power. Cut to Shantanu rushing on a horse. Devavrat is still eulogizing his still alive dad. Satyavati lays down her litany of woes. Regarding her still unborn kids. Further elaborating Canon Fail #1. Devavrat gets all emotional, again, and blames himself. She gives him an ultimatum: either his dad can live with him, or her. But he resolves to be a good son. Newsflash, bro. Wrong decision. But hey, he can’t be stopped. So he goes over to the Ganga (hello, mom) and cuts his palm. Ganga goes all red (with pain over her son’s bleeding? I doubt he bled all that much…) The skies follow suit. Clue enough that this is gonna cause all sorts of problems, but does anyone care? #Cliffhanger

Advance warning: I'm gonna start two separate series of posts, which I hope I'll update regularly (read: at least thrice in a week)

1. Studyblr- YouTube videos on my revision topics.

2. Trying to canon analyse every episode of StarMBH.

Wish me luck, friends!

I hope I come out of this with my phone intact.

If there’s anyone here who actually paid attention watching StarMBH, this is meant for that person’s entertainment.

As an Arjun fan (I’m sure that’s common knowledge by now), I finally watched the Draupadi Swayamvara episodes. And I am seriously bowled over. How the hell did anyone except Karna not notice that Arjun is Arjun?

I mean, his brothers are literally calling him Arjun all the time. ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. So, obviously, he’s Arjun! How could that entire arc of Draupad not knowing who the Pandavas are even happen? Just how? The Pandavas call him Arjun, Duryodhana and Karna call him Arjun, is Draupad deaf here? Also, why the hell is Arjun trying to pretend he isn’t himself in front of Draupadi...? She’d obviously have heard all those people call him Arjun. Not one time. More than that. 

Another nitpicky detail: I really hate the show whitewashing Karna this much. It’s KARNA who tells Duryodhan not to fight Arjun? I vastly prefer book canon here, where Karna tells the Brahmin Arjun that only Indra, Shiva and Arjun himself can defeat him. (Seriously. Put yourself in Arjun’s shoes for that scene. Ah, the joy of silent triumphant laughter...)