#stage five

and finally after months of manipulation, humiliation, and harming myself in the process of loving you, i feel like i've snapped out of a trance. i can tell myself i don't care and i fucking believe it. i'm a backup, someone who's too naive, too stubborn to leave without a look back. maybe i've grown up and i can see past all your bullshit. is the hospital bed more comfortable than our now empty shared one ? does the monitor beep sing you to sleep the way i did ? i sure hope so. you'd have a fucking aneurysm trying to face your issues, anything but run away from your problems, burned bridges, and broken promises. used to love you so much, it made me sick. "beat me out of me, beat it, beat it..."

stage five. acceptance. sang the blues, swallowed them too, and life has been much better since i've left. i stuck around waiting for something that would never happen. i've laid down my cards in front of you. you couldn't care but others did and they applaud me. i hope you're happy, now that you've gotten exactly what you've wanted. alone. unloved. unwanted. undeserving of it, really. when you lose what you have, you only have shadows left. dust collecting where people who loved you used to be. "you could never be satisfied, god, i hope you're satisfied..."

"i gave it/you my all but all i can do is give up..." i can't shake the feeling that it was all a warning. something i was too fucking brainwashed and manipulated to take to heart. i couldn't be happier. i hope your mistakes, your fuckups, ruined relationships catch up to you someday. cornered before people you pretended to care about. nowhere left to run, and still won't face your fucking fears. dying is your easy way out. dying is for the weak. if you're strong enough to keep fucking living, be my guest. i won't slow you down anymore. enjoy your eulogy. you don't deserve it. enjoy your white fucking flowers because i gave you everything i had and you returned the favor with an eviction notice. someday you'll kick him to the curb the same way we ended up.

"baby, seasons change but people don't..."

wear your biggest fucking smile come autumn but we both know you've lost everything. everyone. don't ever forget how much effort i'd spent and wasted on you. i've pulled the plug.

garlic