#ssa

please pray for me. there’s someone I remotely know from an ecclesial setting who revealed he’s on the dl and wants things to happen, and I know I don’t have the willpower to say no. the idea of causing him to stumble, since he’s a devoted co-member of the flock (instead of a random stranger) is weighing in my chest like a millstone and is making me shake. i don’t want to close the door to it because of my addiction (and probably normal desire for intimacy/closeness/friendship). I told him we shouldn’t cause each other to stumble and we need to put a pin in it and reflect and pray and circle back on Friday. even then im keeping the door open and not closing it fully. but it’s still weighing on my heart with physical tightness and hardness (could also be my increased dosage of Vyvanse—but the feeling immediately preceded the increase dose—and also these events, so it’s probably just extreme anxiety), and i can’t. I can’t live like this even for a week, it’s eating me alive. we all deserve to die in our sins, and I could be struck down at any moment, and I would deserve it. this very night my soul is being demanded of me.

It's an odd and alienating experience being a woman attracted to other women while also finding the performance of femininity unappealing.