#sparafucile

Trelawney Thorpe likes to open her mail carefully in the event of any surprises, especially when anything is postmarked as being from Albia. It was a lesson learned the hard way. When your employer’s a millennia-old God-Queen, you have to get use to dangerous things (like, say, a cursed amulet) getting sent to your door, because of course you’ll be able to deal with it before your morning cuppa, right? Spark of the Realm and all that?

Trelawney sometimes wishes she could quit her job. She was getting jealous of the celebrity Tarvek Sturmvoraus, who just gadded about as he pleased, being a spark and saving the day and, yes, occasionally getting into trouble. For the head fashion designer of the Storm King brand, he was quite roguish — and she likes that about him.

She likes that about all of his jet-setting crowd, she can’t deny that. She likes the Gilgamesh Wulfenbach candid photos where he’s caught in dubious situations and he can’t worm his way out of it, so he just gives the camera that deadpan libertine stare of his, suit jacket hung over one shoulder only. She likes reading the Agatha Heterodyne arrest reports from each time she goes full madgirl. Agatha, Gil, and Tarvek, toasting on the runway and on the runway. She likes — and hates that she likes — that they’re all power brokers, each in their own way.

Albia knows about the folder on Trelawney’s phone labelled “Gil” that’s mostly a collection of the most roguish photos of Gil, outside the notorious nightclubs of Paris and the shadiest bars in New York, the sleaziest pubs in London and the most dubious casino backrooms of Monaco. Albia also knows that Gil is wanted by the police for questioning in an investigation into the murder of Omar von Zinzer. Albia, eternally wise, knows that Trelawney capturing Gil would greatly bolster Trelawney’s career, which is slightly stagnating after the Budapest debacle.

(What Albia doesn’t know is that Trelawney has matching folders for Agatha and Tarvek, that technically Agatha is more responsible for von Zinzer’s death than anyone else still alive, and that Trelawney really, really, really wants to quit.)

At 09:00 GMT on 20 May, Gilgamesh “Gil” Wulfenbach is spotted leaving a party in the Beverly Hills area of Los Angeles, looking severely and abnormally intoxicated.

At 20:00 GMT on 20 May, a British military flight from Los Angeles lands at Chequers.

At 01:24 GMT on 21 May, Bangladesh “Bang” DuPree, a Silicon Valley exec, reports Gil Wulfenbach missing after he failed to show up to a lunch meeting and she was unable to contact him. She is told to call again when he’s been gone for 48 hours.

At 01:47 GMT on 21 May, Agatha Heterodyne reports Gil Wulfenbach missing after he failed to return to their luxury estate in Montecito after the party. She is told to call again when he’s been gone for 48 hours and a partial transcript of her call is leaked, turning her into the front page of the next day’s tabloids.

At 06:28 GMT on 21 May, a package is dropped off at Trelawney Thorpe’s Ealing apartment, postmarked from Chequers. She moves it inside but does not open it, instead choosing to leave for her job as an MI5 analyst.

At 07:13 GMT on 21 May, the business magnate Klaus Wulfenbach is interrupted during a late-afternoon meeting in Hong Kong by a call from Bang DuPree that notifies him of his son’s disappearance.

At 07:19 GMT on 21 May, Tarvek Sturmvoraus listens to a voicemail left by Agatha Heterodyne while in Lagos, preparing for a semi-major fashion show.

At 07:25 GMT on 21 May, Violetta Mondarev, an angel investor, receives a text from Tarvek Sturmvoraus and immediately books a private jet from Sofia to Paris.

At 07:33 GMT on 21 May, Xerxesphina “Seffie” von Blitzengaard, an influencer currently based in Milan, reads a screenshot of Tarvek Sturmvoraus’s text to Violetta Mondarev, sent to her by her close friend and personal self-help guru Sparafucile.

At 07:46 GMT on 21 May, Colette Voltaire, president of France, is called by Seffie von Blitzengaard during a national security meeting. She hangs up but promises to call back.

At 08:00 GMT on 21 May, Colette Voltaire calls Seffie von Blitzengaard back.

At 08:27 GMT on 21 May, Sparafucile takes a flight from Milan to Los Angeles.

At 09:01 GMT on 21 May, a very stressed Tarvek Sturmvoraus gets off the phone with Agatha Heterodyne and creates a WhatsApp group composed of himself, Agatha Heterodyne, Bang DuPree, Klaus Wulfenbach, Violetta Mondarev, Seffie von Blitzengaard, Sparafucile, Colette Voltaire, and Gil Wulfenbach’s right hand man, Ardsley Wooster.

At 09:06 GMT on 21 May, the WhatsApp group reaches the consensus that they will not find Gil Wulfenbach anytime in the next few hours. They collectively agree to take the search down a notch and amp it up once Bang DuPree and Agatha Heterodyne are able to report Gil Wulfenbach missing.

At 09:07 GMT on 21 May, Ardsley Wooster, an MI6 agent, texts his handler to make them aware of the current status of the Gil Wulfenbach situation and make sure that Queen Albia didn’t have anything to do with it.

At 09:09 GMT on 21 May, Ardsley Wooster texts his friend Trelawney Thorpe.

At 11:02 GMT on 21 May, Violetta Mondarev lands in Paris.

At 11:15 GMT on 21 May, Klaus Wulfenbach hosts a press conference in Hong Kong about his missing son, calling for his safe return.

At 11:17 GMT on 21 May, screenshots of text messages between Tarvek Sturmvoraus and Gil Wulfenbach are leaked to the tabloids.

At 11:23 GMT on 21 May, the article “Gilvek: Fact of Fiction?” is posted online, along with an accompanying quiz called “Who Said It?: Twilight, the Bard, or Gilvek?” that gives readers quotes from the leaked Tarvek Sturmvoraus-Gil Wulfenbach texts, the Twilight series, and Shakespeare plays.

At 11:36 GMT on 21 May, Tarvek Sturmvoraus takes advantage of the media storm around the leaked text messages to release an appeal he calls “Help Me Find My (and Agatha’s) Boyfriend”. The original video is viewed over 2000 times within fifteen minutes.

At 12:02 GMT on 21 May, Agatha Heterodyne releases her video, “Help Me Find My (and Tarvek’s) Boyfriend”. Her video is viewed over 2500 times withing fifteen minutes.

At 12:14 GMT on 21 May, Klaus Wulfenbach is ambushed by a reporter and admits he did not know that his son was in a polycule with Agatha Heterodyne and Tarvek Sturmvoraus.

At 12:18 GMT on 21 May, the WhatsApp group agrees to a policy of total silence following the debacle that is the tabloids trying to get in on the “Agagilvek” story.

At 12:19 GMT on 21 May, Ardsley Wooster texts Trelawney Thorpe, begging her to check her phone.

At 16:25 GMT on 21 May, Trelawney Thorpe checks her phone and leaves work early.

At 16:45 GMT on 21 May, Trelawney Thorpe arrives at her Ealing apartment.

She enters the flat carefully and gently kicks the box that arrived that morning.

It springs back.

“Bloody hell,” she mutters. She finds the nearest packing knife she has and gently cuts away the tape, taking photos as she goes. If Albia did this… Once she’s cut all the tape away, she opens the lid tenderly, hoping to not be surprised by what’s inside.

She is, of course, surprised, because who else but Albia would send a murder suspect kidnapped in a different country through the Royal Mail to the Spark of the Realm. She regains her composure rather quickly. She can’t do anything while Gil Wulfenbach is still unconscious, so she won’t do anything. She’ll just text Ardsley and hope like crazy that he’ll get here before Gil wakes up, but she knows he’s in New York right now because of course he is, so he probably won’t.

Violetta Mondarev, her one-time-flame, is, however, in Paris (they still share their locations with each other), which is close enough. While Trelawney knows that Letta would still come running if she called, she feels guilty about it. The breakup was… fine, it was just because Trelawney didn’t think she would be able to do long-distance when Letta decided she needed to be based in New York, and since the breakup was on her… Trelawney always hesitates before asking Letta for anything.

Ardsley first. Trelawney texts Ardsley Wooster the photo of Gil in the box with the caption “send help albia’s really done it this time”.

She then overcomes the fear of bothering Letta and calls Violetta Mondarev. Her contact still has a heart in it; Trelawney could never bring herself to get rid of it.

“Letta,” she says when Violetta picks up.

“Hey, Tawny!” Violetta replies, cheerful as ever. It was through Letta that Trelawney had met Tarvek and his group of friends, but Trelawney had never heard Letta as happy around all her friends as she sounded right them. “You need something?”

Trelawney swallowed her pride. “Yes. I… I… I need you to come to my flat as soon as you can. I can’t talk about it on the phone, but Letta, I need you.” Well, that was desperate.

“Okay, Tawny, I’ll be right there. I’m chartering a plane and I’ll get there in two-ish hours, okay? Everything’s going to be fine.” She could hear Letta starting to type on a computer, presumably chartering a jet.

“Thanks, Letta,” she says.

Letta laughs on the other end of the line. “Oh, it’s my pleasure. Look, see you soon, okay? I’ll be there in two hours.”

Trelawney is deprived of the ability to respond by Violetta hanging up the phone.

She paces her flat for two hours, waiting for Gil to wake up (he doesn’t) or Ardsley to respond (he doesn’t, either, because he doesn’t know what to say or who to say it to, and he can’t get over to London fast enough) or just anything at all to happen. She’s fought monsters before, she engineers fantastic contraptions to save the day on a regular basis, she’s the Spark of the Realm, she should be able to deal with anything. It’s just that, well, unconscious Gil Wulfenbach on her living room floor is a little bit outside of her comfort zone.

Violetta Mondarev, true to her word, arrives in two hours. She sees Gil lying on the floor as soon as Trelawney lets her in.

“Tawny… this is an Albia thing again, isn’t it?” She points at Gil, who’s beginning to stir a tiny bit.

Trelawney nods.

“And you called me because I’m adjacent to the Agagilvek jet-setting crew, so I’d be more able to deal with this than you?”

“Letta, I’m translucent when it comes to you,” Trelawney tries to laugh.

Violetta grins. “Oh, Tawny…” They both get lost in each other’s eyes for a few minutes.

“Ladies. What.” Gil’s voice comes up from the floor.

“Oh good, you’re awake,” Trelawney says.

“Where am I?” Gil asks.

Violetta smirks. “The floor of Trelawney Thorpe’s Ealing flat, exactly where Albia sent you.”

“Uh, I’m wanted for murder here, aren’t I?” His face is a perfect specimen of horror.

“Technically, just for questioning,” Trelawney rolls her eyes.

“And so what are we going to do?” He asks. “I don’t know about you, but I’m personally not a fan of being questioned by British police.”

“That’s unavoidable,” Violetta says. “Look, I’m going to call Agatha and Tarvek and tell them to get their butts over here, since you three were involved in that whole von Zinzer disaster. Once they’re here, Trelawney will turn you over. Klaus’ll have a panic attack and Trelawney will come clean about Albia ordering your kidnapping, okay?”

“That’s… surprisingly amenable for one of Tarvek’s Smoke Knights,” Gil says.

Violetta grins. “Tawny, you on board?”

“Yep,” Trelawney says.

Six months later, Agatha Heterodyne is throwing the party of the century in an Irish castle she somehow owns, celebrating the conclusion of the von Zinzer murder trial and the acquittal of Gil Wulfenbach. Trelawney Thorpe is there, a minor celebrity in her own right after her fiery resignation letter from her position as Spark of the Realm that had implicated Albia in various illegal acts beyond just kidnapping Gil (Interpol had given her a job offer right after that, but she’d rejected it to take time to decide what she wants to do). She stands off to the side, watching Agatha, Gil, and Tarvek Sturmvoraus lovingly and tenderly interact with each other. Some emotion deep within her is activated.

Letta’s got to be around here somewhere. She passes the buffet table, where Ardsley Wooster has gotten himself into a heated discussion with Sparafucile about where six slices of American bacon and two fried eggs is a good breakfast. Bang DuPree is over by the fountain, fighting with Zeetha Wulfenbach, Gil’s sister and Agatha’s best friend who had just returned from a twelve-month off-the-grid survival adventure with her boyfriend Axel Higgs. Over at the tennis courts, Seffie von Blitzengaard is flirting with Colette Voltaire, who is trying to not get caught in a romantic entanglement with a foreign national by the French media. Klaus Wulfenbach stares pensively into a pond, wondering where exactly everything went so wrong. She walks by Van von Mekkhan, the property manager for much of the Agagilvek set, and Moloch von Zinzer (who, despite Agatha’s involvement in his brother’s death, remains her right-hand man) trying to fix a broken window that had happened when Gil’s latest drone adventure had deviated from the flight plan. Violetta Mondarev is nowhere to be seen.

Trelawney Thorpe turns a corner of a hallway a bit too fast and collides with someone; they both skid on the stone floor, spinning slightly.

Trelawney stands up as soon as she can. “I’m so sorry —”

“Don’t be,” Violetta Mondarev says. “Tawny, I ran into you.”

“Oh, Letta, but I hit you.”

“We both hit each other, and we’ll be here all day if we want to determine whose fault that is.”

“I’d spend all day with you, Letta.”

“If this is your way of hinting to me you want to get back together, yes, Tawny.”

“I don’t care that we’d be long-distance —”

“I’m moving to London.” Violetta smiles. “I’ve been planning it for a while. We won’t be long-distance starting, oh, early next month.”

Trelawney jumps up and hugs Violetta.

“Uh, can I have a little bit less of the suffocation?” Violetta asks, gently prying Trelawny’s arms off her.

“Right, sorry, I forgot,” Trelawney says.

Two years after that, the angel investor marries the MI5 analyst-turned-spy novelist. After they return from their honeymoon, they start opening their wedding presents.

From Agatha Heterodyne, a miniature Fun Sized Mobile Agony and Death Dispenser, with the attached note of “Remember Budapest, when great times were had by all”.

From Tarvek Sturmvoraus, a set of fine linen, embroidered with maps of places that he thought were significant to them.

From Gil Wulfenbach, a cardboard box with the tag “From Albia with ‘Love’” that contained the wedding cake toppers that had mysteriously disappeared after the reception, along with a letter.

Trelawney and Violetta —

Congratulations on the marriage! We’re so happy for you.

Agatha thought you’d like a memento of Budapest, which Tarvek thought was a bit tactless, but in the end, we agreed that it was certainly a memorable time for all. Tarvek went with the linen because — sorry, Trelawney — he didn’t think that the current set you have was very pretty (Gil disagreed, but we’ve all seen that coat of his, so his color sense is automatically disqualified). Gil insisted on stealing the cake toppers and doing this whole thingamajig with the box as his way of (finally) thanking you for dealing with the time Albia kidnapped him. We were all worried sick.

We hope you’ve had a wonderful honeymoon! If you’re not deathly sick of travelling by now, we’d like to invite you to join us in Geneva for the holidays this year.

Your friends,

Agatha & Gil & Tarvek

They take him in, afterward. 

Sparafucile doesn’t remember exactly, when- or how- but the jester lives with them now. Mostly, anyway. The man is madder than a battle-drunk soldier and seems not to know where he is half the time. 

Maddalena looks upon him as something of a queer housepet. She tolerates him well enough, but she has ceased to sing in his presence. The jester succumbs to a frothing, babbling rage when even the hint of a song reaches his ears. 

Hypocritical, perhaps, considering the warbles that occasionally meander from his cracked lips.

Sparafucile recognizes the tune. He has a good memory for such things. A former ‘victim’ of his, unclaimed, seemed to have been immensely fond of it. 

Their business continues as usual. Sparafucile obtains clients, Maddalena dances, the river is fed with corpses. Life goes on. 

The jester disappears at odd hours, though, especially when it storms at night. 

But he always comes back.