keep your heart open.

and then they made us clean it all up (with help from the janitors because we were small kids and couldn't even reach everything, we had like thrown toilet paper high up and stuff) and they were very nice about it and there was no further punishment or mention of it again

and the things i took from this experience were:

i never trashed any shared or public space ever again in my life, even in the smallest way

i developed great respect for janitors which i have kept to this day

i think there are a lot of people who could benefit from this sort of experience.

our society often has so many problems not only because we insulate some people from the implications of their actions, but also because instead of facing them with those implications, we impose outside "punishments" that are often unrelated to the original wrongdoing.

like if they had not done what they did with us, and instead had just taken away our recess and made us do something boring and unpleasant, we wouldn't have learned what we did and we would have just learned that we need to get better at avoiding getting caught, which is generally how people respond to punishments that are divorced from explanations of how and why what you did was wrong and hurt people. if instead you confront people with those things, they will change of their own accord.

some adults out there are like full-grown children who never learned this stuff. but the solution isn't harsh punishment like putting them in jail and mistreating them there, the solution is that people need to be sat down with the people who are harmed by their actions and then they can work together to undo the damage, and see firsthand how hard it is.

I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.

It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.

I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.

My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.

Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.

It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.

I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".

Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.

Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.

my mom is in fact aware that dandelions exist. she temporarily forgot the name and there was some miscommunication.

the truth is actually weirder

she’s aware dandelions look like this

she is familiar with this flower. she knows the name of this flower. she declines to believe, however, that these are also dandelions

she does not believe these are the same plant. I tried to explain, and she thought I was either misinformed or lying. so I asked her what exactly did she think the yellow ones were called?

gosh I enjoy this website

I've Endured, Now What?