#someone write

I guess no one gives a shit about quality media anymore

8 fics for the WHOLE FANDOM and only 5 ARE COMPLETED. Half of them aren’t even ABOUT Benny tf

Kurt being all grumpy Kurt because Bethany/Jeller child keeps winning at Candy Land, and he hates to lose and is insistent that she’s somehow cheating (May or may not be based on real events. I may be a sore loser even with a 4 year old. I swear he cheated!)

Jane asking Kurt to marry him/renew their vows - after all this Remi madness is done, she decides she wants him to know that she really does love him, and that they are meant to be together, now that it’s really all out in the open.

Jeller go on a real honeymoon (potentially with the second idea) - because I firmly believe they never really got one, they moved instead of a honeymoon, and so, they need one.

Its McCrees birthday and everyone is at his house for a the party, They are having a good time then Gabriel pulls out a Ouija board from his bag and tells everyone to gather round to play it. McCree, being the biggest scaredy cat when it comes to paranormal things reluctantly sits down in the circle. He’s the birthday boy so he HAS to join in.

Everyone except for Lena, Gabriel, McCree, Hana and Jack sit out because they all mutually agree that they’re gonna die if they join in

Gabriel, knowing full well McCree is scared of paranormal things gets him to ask the spirits if they are here. He’s only doing it because McCree and Hana played a prank on him and Jack earlier in a week where they mixed hair dye into Jack’s shampoo. Granted he’s not complaining about his boyfriends sexy black hair now (He likes it because his boyfriend looks edgy and it’s all he’s ever wanted for him). Though Gabriel would NEVER use a Ouija Board in his home, fuck that, it’s only okay to do it in his adopted sons home because he’s a demon of a son so it makes sense

McCree sucks it up and they all put their hands on the planchette (The Pointer thingy) and McCree squeaks out a greeting and asks for the Spirits name, and suddenly the pointer starts to move, everyone gasps and watches with baited breathe as it moves  to the “H”. McCree holds his breath and tries not to laugh at his friends moving the planchette because cmon how obvious. Eventually it spells our “Hanzo” and McCree, albeit still spooked about the idea of using a Ouija Board looks at Gabriel and says “Hanzo? Really, what a awfully stupid name, you could have at least made up something better to scare me” and then Gabriel just looks at McCree his face literally just says “I’m not moving it” then suddenly the pointer jerks out of everyone’s fingers off the desk into the wall and everyone SCREAMS.

McCree lets out a loud “Oh fuck this no” and quickly puts away the Ouija board, covering it in hopes that it would make whatever spirit that they were talking to go away

After a few minutes of everyone just being shocked and spooked Gabriel squeaks out “We didn’t say goodbye to end the contract” McCree says “Well boo hoo it’s gone now, get that Ouija Board outs of my house right now, I’m NEVER letting any of you do anything like that again in my house”

———————————

Few Hours Later after everyone’s gotten drunk and forgot about the incident they leave and McCree goes and curls up in bed with a smile on his face because what a good birthday. His peaceful sleep is suddenly interrupted when he dreams of pale skin blue skin and a snarl which makes him wake up with a shout, Breathing heavily he looks up to see a figure standing in his doorway and he lets out the loudest, manliest scream he could muster as he trips and falls out of bed reaching for Peacekeeper on his bedside table. Suddenly there’s a oddly warm hand over his mouth muffling his yelling and then he’s being pushed down onto his bed and he looks up and he’s greeted with the exact same blue skin he seen in his nightmare, swallowing while trying to gather himself he looks into his attacker’s eyes and for a second all time freezes as he looks into pale white eyes.

Coming back to his senses McCree closes his eyes and tenses his body as he tries to brace himself for being ripped to shreds by a demon, because, there’s a demon holding him down staring right at him with a scowl. That’s what he gets for messing with a Ouija Board.  

Then a husky heavily accented voice reaches McCrees ears as said Demon says “Cease your screaming, i am here to make you end out contract so i can leave, you didn't say bid me farewell”

McCree nods as the hand frees his mouth and he all but squeaks “You’re not going to kill me? You’re the Hanzo? The….. demon from earlier?’ and Hanzo replies with a “Yes i am, Though i want nothing more than to punish you for insulting me earlier, i promise i will not hurt you”

Then McCree passes out

Blah blah blah he wakes up thinking it was a dream but it wasn't then he freaks out again and Hanzo promises not to hurt him again and that all he wants to do is to end their contract but informs McCree he needs the Ouija board they used because like ritual magic seal bindings voodoo voodo stuff so McCree calls up Gabriel and asks from him to bring it over without explaining it and Gabriel is like “Oh yah we kinda threw out into the river because Jack was to scared to bring it home he said he would withhold sex if i didn't get it as far away from him as possible”

Upon hearing this Hanzo gets mad and shifts into a full on terrifying demon form and McCree closes his eyes and literally almost starts crying from seeing this and Hanzo looks at the human and feels guilty. So he shifts back into his human form. Hanzo says there’s no way to end the contract and that they’re stuck together unless McCree dies which McCree instantly freaks out over but Hanzo looks at him and says “Even though that’s the only way to end our contract, i cannot harm you in any way since i promised you never bring any harm to you." Damn Hanzos pride, he’s gonna have to suck it up being attached to this his scruffy cowman until he dies, it’ll only be a few decades. He can easily deal with that. Since he’s like a thousand years old.

McCree slowly comes to terms with being actually Haunted. He buys Garlic because he thinks it will help protect him against Hanzo but Hanzo laughs at him then puts an entire garlic bulb in his mouth and eats it as McCree watches on in horror.

Time passes. Hanzos annoying because he’s literally always watching McCree going “Ooo What’s this” “Ahhh” “What peculiar technology” and idk McCree shows him his TV and he spends hours watching it and it’s the only time McCree has been able to get away from him. Which he defiantly doesn’t spend jerking off to a certain pale blue demon with gorgeous glowing white eyes and rippling muscles.

McCree  contacts Zenyatta whos like a exorcist or something? Idk? He can’t help though. Lame.

Though to be far McCree is growing quite attached to this demon, What other human has their own demon? McCree 100% doesn't look at Hanzo as Hanzo stares into the TV in awe thinking he's cute. Hanzo on the otherhand is thrilled by this whole scenario because not only does he have a cute scruffy human but he has TV to watch.  

Bonus points if Hanzo is like the prince of the underworld and hes super strong so other paranormal creatures keep appearing around McCrees house and they try to harm him because he is absolutely covered in Hanzos scent. Hanzo protects him because if anything tries to harm his Jesse he will tear them to pieces.  

Also Hanzo gets mad jealous when McCree doesn’t pay him attention. Because he wants to be the only thing McCree thinks about.

But he likes to stay back and watch TV to learn about the human society. He likes to think he watches nature documentaries with McCree and one there's an Alligator and McCree says something like “He would die if he ever came across one” and Hanzo replies “I wouldn’t let any overgrown lizard hurt you” and it's the most loving thing McCree has ever heard him say.

Then he ruins it by saying “If anything is gonna eat you it's gonna be me” and McCree doesn’t know if he means it in a literal way or in the bedroom way.

Also Hanzo is really over protective over his human because he's been watching the news and there's so many people dying and getting hurt so he usually watches over him from the shadows when he goes because no one can harm his precious cowboy

i am fOAMING at the mouth

I

IDK WHATS POSSESSING THEM BUT WOOSANHWA 🤚🏼🤚🏼🤚🏼😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭