#sohowbout

Why is it that whenever I talk to you, I always feel the need to ramble? Now of course, not in real life, because I can't do that. We almost are never around each other long enough to make it past the pleasantries. Which there is nothing wrong with that, but....

Why is it that I seem to only realize that I should get to know people better just as they are about to leave? I suppose it is the sudden realization, that they will no longer affect my life in the same way that they do now. I mean, you, him, them, her, all of them really. Why? What is it that keeps me from them? Why did I not take him up on his offer to just come hang out almost anytime. Now from what I understand you didn't really know this was a decision that was made, but it was, and I like to think you wouldn't disagree. 

I am a parent, that is apparent. (Ahhahaha, wow) As much as I currently don't want to have kids, I still want to care for other lives, when they need it. Yes most of the time, I want to be held, I understand that in myself as a form of ego stroking (but like in a positive way), a need for safety, a need for affection (physical specifically), and a need for connection. However, I completely understand that this comes with a requirement for reciprocation, and sometimes I do. I do want to hold someone, and connect with them, and send them my warmth and affection, and make them feel safe, and positively feed their ego. I want to support someone and be supported. 

With all that said, I am still a child. I am, a little, naive. Sex, that is what I am talking about. Its not that I don't understand it, believe me I know what goes where (most of the time, some people are freaky), but its not something that has REALLY been in my life, ever, especially not recently. And I am afraid of it. In theory, I'm not. I will talk with someone about sex, and what little I know, and what I have seen (I watch porn, get over it) and what they do and their lives (if they are willing to share) like sex as a thing that exists in this world, okay, fine. But, put me in a position that could ultimately lead me to the actual act, and ... well in all honesty I don't know What I would fucking do, because I have never even been remotely close to that situation since I was 8! (Yes I had sex when I was 8 with another 9 year old boy what ever [sometimes I wonder how he turned out, especially since he was the initiator, anyway]) 

Which brings me to another thought. I don't think that I have a good idea of what a "dating" relationship is, how it is formed, how it should be carried out, or any of that. I have 2 ideas and they are middle school TV girly teen drama, and marriage. Literally, what I grew up watching. TV and My Parents. (Which, don't get me wrong my parents are happily married and I would love to have a relationship like that one day, however) Dating is something I don't get. Let me tell you about my 5 "official" relationships. 

1. I had a crush on a girl during a show. After the show closed she found out that I liked her, but she didn't know I didn't really like her anymore. Still I felt pressured to ask her to be "my girlfriend." Two months went past filled with me not calling her and not seeing her. We then broke up.

2. She had her friend ask me out for her. We lasted 3 weeks, and she made NO attempt to contact me.

3. We were friends. We went to the mall to hang out. She asked me out, by the time we left the mall it was over.

4. We were good friends at summer camp. I asked her out. She was more interested in my other friend, lets be honest, so was I. (If you read this and you know who you are face it you are attractive, and I will not deny it.) 

5. High School. 2 weeks, she was touchy, so was I. We made out. That was it. 

All of those were shitty, no way around it. Now I don't want to make excuses, but I'm gonna. I think that, in my experience, middleschoolers don't really have relationships. NOW if they do and they last awesome, but a MIDDLE SCHOOL Relationship, in MY opinion, isn't gonna last. High School, okay. This is something that is real, and could work, usually if, at least, one of the two can drive, and your schedules are not dictated so much by your parents (my life in HS.) Now all this said I think that there is something to be said that all of these failed relationships were with women. Notice if you will that I like men. Really this is something that I think has always been apparent in my life, like really, how did we not see this sooner (I mean the bullies did!) 

Perhaps it is my Christian upbringing, perhaps it is my lack of blatant sexuality, perhaps it is the lack of positive gay youths in my childhood television, or perhaps it was the fucking lack of OTHER GAY STUDENTS IN MY HIGH SCHOOL! Not to make excuses again, but I'm gonna. Literally I was the ONLY gay male in my class. The class above me had one, but I dated his sister, so I don't think we want to go there. The class below me had 0, and then the class below that had 1, who left, and then one who I think is bi, I don't know... its weird. Either way, I was, essentially, alone in my gayness in high school, so I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, and still have no fucking clue. So I live life, devote myself to my work, and hope to meet someone, meanwhile ruining my life over men that won't ever love me back. 

This brings us to the past 2 months, and HIM. This boy, okay, let me tell you, this boy! OOooo. He started it. He asked me for my number, he wanted to take me out, he Paid for My FUCKING MEAL THE FIRST TIME WE WENT OUT! He texted me EVERY DAY! Literally, it was going places it looked positive. I was making good with his friends, and still am if I do say so they are some cool kids, but this boy. One day, literally out of NOWHERE stops texting me. Which was fine. He was a bad texter anyways, I figured I should start some conversations. Fine, okay, the conversations became less, and less, it was finals, fine, less and less, and then they stopped. This. Went. Nowhere. One night, ONE NIGHT, his face was covered in makeup, mine was lingering with the smell of makeup remover, and we looked at eachother. You could literally see the kiss starting SO GLACIALLY SLOW, and I chickened out. I made it into a hug, and I left. We had plenty of times to make up for this later on. We never did. Was it my "fault," maybe, but maybe it was no one's fault. Maybe nothing was to come of that. Maybe it was a stepping stone in the direction of what could become my love life. There was another boy I was chasing, I gave him my number, asking him if he ever wanted to get coffee or something... nothing. 

Which oddly brings me to an odd friend of mine. I love her. She is blunt. In the best way possible. Part of what she believes and practices is, think it - do it. (Within reason, of course.) She doesn't understand the "power game" that takes place when "texting" or "talking" to someone. Which come to think of, I don't get it either. Why not just text a person, don't wait, just fucking do it, or just go tell someone you like them and kiss them damn it!  Now that one I can't do. It is so ingrained in my being to think through the consequences, and to need approval and their friendship. 

I have a high fear of personal rejection. I specify, because I am an actor, and I understand that most of my career will be rejection from roles, which I understand, for the most part, is not personal, but occupational. But to have someone with knowledge of who I am as a person, turn to me and say, "No I don't want you in my life like that," is difficult. Now I understand, logically, that this sentence contains a situation, "like that" meaning that they may still want me in their lives (like hopefully many of my crushes would) but that "NO" is just so scary to me. Like cripplingly scary. I wasted 2 years of my life in literal pain because I had a thing for this guy and I was scared to tell him, but oddly enough, most of the time, once I tell the person, it starts to go away, if nothing comes of it. 

...

See, see what you made me do?!? I have now spent an hour and a half writing a damn long personal post because you intimidate me in real life, and I kinda have the hots for you so, but I also have a deep need to care for you, so I always end up rambling. And where has it gotten me? Nowhere other than a vague understanding of my sexuality and my personality. Also it places me in the position to say 

"I am ready for a relationship, and all of the things it is able to teach me!"

Maybe with you, probably not with you. With who, who knows. It could be a stranger. I may not meet them until this summer. (my horoscope said this summer is gonna be good on the romantic front. I hope so.) Either way I am open and ready for whatever it is!