#socialexpectations

   “Why are you still single?”

“Why aren’t you in a relationship?”

“Why aren’t you looking for a partner?”

“Why aren’t you trying?”

Such strange questions! The first time I heard them, I was completely caught off guard. Was there a rule about turning 24 that I hadn’t heard about before? That if by 24 you don’t have a partner of some kind you’re failing as a human being? I was confused to say the least. Still, I did try to explain to everyone who questioned me that I wasn’t interested in having a partner, not really. Oh, I had casual little daydreams sometimes, about having a loving partner, and all the wonderful things we’d do together, but I’d never been interested in making that reality.

Apparently though, this viewpoint is not acceptable for a 24 year old, especially a female one!  I must have missed the manual arriving in the mail, because I never learned that at 24, your biological clock is ticking away… and this should concern me. Of course, protesting a complete lack of desire for children is one of the biggest taboos for a female of breeding age (or at least, I can only assume this is fact due to the reactions this statement garners).

Eventually, with the pressure on all sides growing, the constant pointed comments, the stares and the whispers, I finally caved in. Yes that’s right, I joined a dating website. I thought it ridiculously expensive for something that I didn’t want, but I figured it would be a small price to pay if it meant that I could stop hearing about how it wasn’t “right” for someone my age to be single (everyone always seemed to ignore the fact that I was also uninterested, is this also a side effect of turning 24?).

The ridiculous lengths I had to go through to get my profile set up were beyond tedious. It took me hours to finish, because there’s no point doing something lazily, even if you’re not really interested in doing it. So I finished my profile and waited. Sure enough, a few days later I receive signs of interest. I glance over the profiles and despite a distinct lack of true interest, I respond, telling myself all the while “this is what people say I should do”.

To cut a long story short, I spent 12 months on that dating website. That’s 12 months of answering questions, of grumbling about having to send emails and having no clue what to say in them, of wishing I was actually interested in this, and of being annoyed that I’d been pressured into this, all because people believed that at 24, I shouldn’t be single. However, 12 months of communicating with numerous possible partners, and even actually meeting a few, have taught me one very certain thing.

I’m still not interested.

At all.

Oh I still have my fantasies, but that’s all they are… fantasy. I’m not interested in making those things a reality. I’m not interested in romance or closeness to another person or any of the things that people say I should be. I don’t feel as though I need them in my life. I have my friends and my family, and I have never felt there was anything lacking in the picture. (Except perhaps being a billionaire, but we’re not talking about that.) I’m content, if not happy. Yet here I stand now at 25, a whole year later, and I am still hearing those things that I honestly do not want to hear.

“You’re 25, you should have a long term partner.”

“You’re getting older, better get someone fast.”

“How can you still be single?”

“Are you even trying to find someone?”

“All your friends are getting married.”

It seems I must have crossed some invisible line at 24, but I clearly missed out on the info pack that explained what I should be doing when I crossed that line. Yet, having missed out on the info pack, I still find myself quite content living as I am. I don’t have to worry about pleasing another person, or about how my interests might clash with their interests, or worry about arguments or who gets to watch what, or why I want to be left alone when I’m reading. I can sink into my silent cocoon at the end of the day and not have to force myself to be polite when I just want to be alone.

At 24, I crossed an invisible line, but at 25, I saw the line as I crossed it. It was that line that had me closing my dating website account. It had me turning down offers of dates with a polite, but firm, negative. That visible line, had me standing straight and announcing to everyone that questioned me that I was happy as I was and I was not going to date any longer, especially since I’d only been doing it to please them, and not myself. Most importantly though, since crossing that visible line, I’ve also gotten a lot better at telling those people with the questions the answers that they don’t want to hear.

“No, I’m not interested in dating.”

“No, I don’t want a partner.”

“Yes , I’m happy being single.”

“No, I don’t need another person there to make me happy.”

“No, I don’t want children.”

“I am not my friends, they may want to get married but I don’t.”

It took me a whole year, but I’m finally at a point where I can look someone in the eyes and say, “thanks, but I’m not interested in dating, romance, sex or relationships, and I don’t care what that makes me.”