#social scripting

Ultimately, you don’t have an control over the choices your friend or his mother make.

If your friend is questioning autism but not feeling any need or desire for a professional diagnosis, you can try to steer him away from bringing it up with his mother, at least until his sister is vaccinated.  However, if your friend does want to discuss it with his mother, it is his choice to make.

If your friend wants to bring it up with his mother and is willing to have an argument with her about the flaws in the anti vax argument, you could help him to find resources about it and to script some responses to points she might bring up.  However, if he does not want to have that argument with her, that is his choice to make.

Depending on your relationship with this friend and his mother, you could also argue with her about it when she brings it up (without bringing in the fact that your friend may be autistic), but you’d have to assess whether that’s a thing that makes sense for your situation or if it would just create tension without helping anything.

-Liz

I would like to add that if your friend wants to talk to his mother about possibly being autistic/seeking a diagnosis, I would think it would be ok for you to talk to your friend about your concerns. As this is his decision to make, try not to pressure him into anything. However, you could try saying something like the following:

“I know you’ve been questioning if you’re autistic and were thinking about talking to your mom about that. I’m worried that if you are diagnosed with autism, your mom may not vaccinate your sister. Have you considered waiting to talk to your mom about things until after your sister gets her vaccinations?”

Of course, he may need support immediately which would make waiting a bad idea. Whatever his reasons are, respect his decision. 

Yes, this is an autism thing. Autistic people often struggle with social rules and tend to either be really trusting or very distrusting. For those who are very trusting, this can lead to oversharing with strangers. 

When it comes to avoiding oversharing, you can always ask the person you’re talking to “Is this too much?” or “Do you mind if I gush for a bit?” Respect other people if they say that they’re not that interested. 

If you find yourself sharing more than say five things in a row about yourself, be sure to ask questions about the other person to show an interest in them, but be careful not to ask anything too invasive. If you’re unsure if a question is ok to ask, you can always phrase it as “If you don’t mind me asking, [insert question here]?” Then, let your conversational partner ask you for information instead of providing it all.  

Use acknowledgment phrases (phrases that acknowledge that you’ve taken in what they’ve said) after the other person talks such as “I never thought of it that way before” or if they express an opinion that you share “isn’t that neat/I couldn’t agree more/I always felt/thought that way too”

Try to be conscientious of not holding the conversation hostage, in other words don’t jump from point to point to point without letting the other person get a word in. If you notice you’ve been talking for awhile, pause to allow the other person to say something/excuse themselves from the conversation. 

We hope this helps!

Scripting is preparing speech in advance. Scripts can be echolalic in nature, i.e. you may compose a script composed of things you’ve heard before. Scripts can also be your own words, just practiced in advance. Typically, the practicing is done inside your head. For instance, when I have to make a phone call, I go over and over what I’m going to say in my head. I prepare my greeting and why I’m calling. I also prepare for possible questions/responses. Then when I’m on the phone, I use the words I already had in my head. Some autistic people using scripting occasionally while others script everything they say before speaking. This can be part of why autistic people may be slow to respond or not speak often during conversation. Often it takes us so long to prepare our script that our point is no longer relevant to conversation. Many autistic people also have prepared scripts for certain types of situations that they use over and over again. 

I hope this makes sense!

I’m sorry you have people just taking your stim toy. I hate when people do that to me.

You could try saying something like the following:

“I have a hard time concentrating if I’m not doing something with my hands. I need this device to help me focus and stay calm. While it may just seem like a toy to you, it is something that is very important for me to have.”

If they continue to try to take it away from you, I would drop all pleasantness and say:

“That object is mine and I do not give you permission to use it. Stop stealing it from me. It isn’t yours.”

I hope this helps!

Whether a relationship is in its formative phases or deep into its progression, it is always important to consider how your words and actions can affect your partner(s). It is wonderful that you are reaching out in an attempt to avoid hurting your girlfriend. Breakups are a really tough thing and it’s always hard to figure out how to break up with someone, particularly in a kind way. You could try something like the following:

“Recently, I’ve come to find that physical affection is not enjoyable for me due to sensory issues associated with being autistic. Because of this, I don’t know how fulfilling continuing our relationship would be for either one of us. You deserve to be with someone who will cherish every kiss and look forward to every touch. Someone who will want to hold you and show you love in ways that I am not able to. You’re an amazing person and I would still very much like to remain friends but what I really want for you is someone who will love every way that you express yourself and not someone who will just tolerate your physical attentions. It would be impossible to truly change these things about myself and cruel to suppress something so beautiful about you.”