The Teacher Mom Alcohol Lie

I cried , and it’s okay.

So 5 weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Covid. My son went to his dad’s and stayed for three weeks. He came back on a Sunday night and I went back to work on Monday. Teaching had gone back to in person hybrid. My days were filled with teaching straight through till 2:00 and Monday was a day full of getting up to speed on this FFT(Fucking First Time, thanks, Brene Brown.) At the end of that day, I got home and asked Matt to take out the trash and bring up the food from the car.) He finished with complaint and grumbling. A fight ensued. Mean things were said. And Brayden came home thinking being asked to do 3 things in 24 hours was too much and not fair. No resolution was reached. Wednesday and Thursday nights were filled with arguments about completing chores and chores not getting done. On Thursday night, the decision was made to return to remote. Ha! We were kidding! Back to remote. SO Friday was filled with interminable meetings around pulling up the in person camp and returning to remote. I got nothing done at work due to meetings. I came home and Brayden was gone. He had been picked up by his Dad. I walked up the stairs and knew. I knew! Nothing was done and my house was TRASHED!!

After a 45 min fight and the XBOX being gone for a week, I sat down and jumped on a counseling appointment. I cried and complained. I felt awful. I was not keeping it together. How come I didn’t set more structure so he would have done his chores? How did I let my house get this bad? And in the middle of the appointment, I knew. I knew I was going to drink. And I was overwhelmed. I sucked as a mom this week. I did great at work. I sucked as a homeowner this week. And I have never felt like this and NOT drank.

As the thought went through my brain, I said to my counselor, “I can’t leave the house. If I leave the house, I will drink.” And I knew that statement was true. We came up with a plan I was gonig to post in my Sober Mommy group and find a meeting. After the appointment was over, I texted my sober mommy friend, “There needs to be a 3:00 meeting on Fridays.” For real, though! I tried texting my dad and Sean. Neither really engaged or could pick up how bad this was and that I needed help. By the time the meeting started, tears were silently falling down my face. The person before my share had a heart wrenching story, and I got it together. I was empathizing with them. And, maybe I wouldn’t cry.

And the share started. And I cried. I sobbed. And I didn’t stop for two hours. It hurt so bad. I have never gone through that much pain without drinking in my life! I always wrapped it up and put myself back together. I always drank so I would stay strong and hold it together. As long as I didn’t crack, it really wasn’t that bad. And on that Friday night, I cracked. My last post was from the day after the crack. And, I survived. I even finished the night with some Sleepytime Tea after my second meeting. Some silly text with a sober friend.

The next day, I did not get out of pajamas. My day was filled with sober posting on my recovery groups, cuddles with the cat, and fudge stripe cookies. And I kind of felt like I had an emotional hang over. I needed to spend that Saturday recovering. In my texting with a friend, I verbalized that I had never let myself cry like I had without pulling it together or without alcohol. Then I started thinking about why. My family wouldn’t allow me to cry without yelling at me or accusing me of being over dramatic. I was a afraid to cry with significant others, husband or boyfriends, because that would make me too much to deal with and what if they weren’t able to be there for me? Better not to cry. I have been a dingle mom for 12 of the last 16 years. Moms can’t break down. They have to be there so the kids don’t get scared. A single mom has to show confidence and security to reassure the kids.

Friday night, I cried. My family wasn’t there for me. Neither was my boyfriend. My kids weren’t there. And, I cried. My sober family was there. They didn’t run or say I was too much. No one told me to stop. No one said it was too much. And, I DIDN’T DRINK! For the first time since I was 18 years old, I did not drink when I was breaking down or to prevent breaking down. I cried. I anguished in pain of not being able to do it all. I felt alone in trying do it all with a son who wouldn’t help around the house and with teachers too overwhelmed by 2020 to help at work. And without help, I can’t do it. I am not supposed to be able to do it all. When I tried, I broke.

And I woke up Saturday morning. Yes, my house was still trashed. I still had school work to do. And I took Saturday to recover. TO let myself go through putting all the pieces together. To come up with boundaries so I wasn’t doing it all anymore. I need to create a life that is not going to make me drink. Interestingly enough, my family and Sean went silent on me because the emotional Cathy was too much for them. I’m learning the support in my emotional sobriety is going to come from my sober moms.

If you are in your recovery reading this, find a group. There are so many. Please write me if you need resources. This is not supposed to be done alone. The people you think should usually be there for you may not be able to be there for you in this effectively. Addiction is its own animal and truly is best understood by people who have fought this animal.

I cried. And, it’s okay.

So – the brain fog that plagues the first two weeks lead to a surprisingly useful discovery. I have naturally curly hair. I buy liters of the shampoo, conditioner, and styling aid. So when my regular bottles are empty I just refill at a fraction of the cost.

My styling aid that I put on after the shower ran out. I went to the closet- grab a liter and refilled it. No problem. That day it sounded sudsy. I ignored it. The next day – even more so. I go to the closet and grab the liter I used – and I had filled it with shampoo! I didn’t have time to shower again. I had a zoom meeting in 2 minutes.

Wow – trying to write about my first few weeks is like trying to remember the first month your child was alive. You’re sleep deprived. You have to function everyday. And you’re focus is trying to keep this human alive. The difference is that you are sleep deprived, you have to function everyday, and you are trying to keep yourself alcohol free. Yours truly decided to do this 7 days before the 2020 school year began – fully remote! No big deal!

So, let’s do this. With the change in the school year and how it started, I could only focus on getting systems into play so everything was organized: communication, lists, emails, websites, text and other parent communication. So focused on that in my hyper focused do not drink fog. I was doing this by myself. No one but Sean and one new friend knew. And I made it through work on Thursday and Friday. My son came home on Saturday. I got him set up for school and then he went to his Dad’s. Being alone was hard on the weekend. That was when I would drink drink because I was off. I wasn’t mom. Why shouldn’t I take advantage since I didn’t have the responsibility of being a mom? But it didn’t just happen anymore when I was on mom break. It was happening everyday. I honestly don’t remember the specifics of that weekend, but I didn’t drink.

The day before school loomed; logistics of getting everything ready for school to start the next day and Back to School night that night. The hard thing about being good at what you do is not letting too many people know that you are good at what you do and letting enough people know that you are good at what you do. Enough people found out on Monday and I did what I do, helped other people. Then Back to School Night started. I volunteered to be the one to share my screen and run the slides for the Zoom meeting. No biggie. I ended up directing the hour and a half session. I was not prepared to present the session. I was exhausted and I felt dumped on. And after my day of stepping up to help everyone else, I lost it. In 5 day alcohol free haze, I unleashed everything about how I felt. In retrospect, the things I said needed to be said, but not at the intensity (I did not yell) and depth at which I shared. I was relentless until I felt heard and understood. Nothing was going to stop me. I was exhausted and I still didn’t know what I was going to teach the next day.

I decided to go to sleep rather than try and plan while exhausted. I would get up at 4:00 and plan for the day. But, oh yeah. That little thing called sleep. That thing you used to drink everyday to make sure you fell asleep? Not so much in recovery. After 4 hours and many sleep meditations, I finally fell asleep at 1:00 am. Needless to say, I did not get up till 5:00 am. 2 hours to plan amazing lessons to kids who had experienced trauma since quarantine. What kind of first day was this. Oh yeah, it was my 12 year old’s first day of school at a new school online. Piece of cake. Except it wasn’t.

He felt confident going into the day. I went and taught. My day was fine – but I got a text that the 6th grade links weren’t working. So I gave my class a 5 minute break and I went to go check. My son is frustrated and almost in tears. He’s been to three different links. Waited an hour and still no class. Wait! There it is! His class is finally starting. Our practice run on Saturday and Monday night was for naught. Nothing worked like it was supposed to. 2020!

I went back to teaching. He comes in frustrated again and leaves upset. His teacher had used his work as an example of what not to do and he was embarrassed and frustrated. He hated this new school. I got him to write an email asking the teacher not to use his work as an example. Momma bear kicked into overdrive. Nevermind, I worked with this teacher and I know that is not what you do on day 1. I did not take into account he was flustered. I just saw my son ready to give up on day 1. I had some repair work to do. And unleash I did. Email one. Texts and asks me to call him. Oh wait, I am still teaching. I can’t. He asks me to apologize and I calmly state it would be better coming from him. I check my son’s email to see the teacher’s response to his email. “I understand.” That’s it?! No apology? Email number 2 and I didn’t hold back. In fact – in retrospect – I went way over the line. Executive functioning skills – they were nonexistent. I was full blown in my limbic system. He called Brayden to apologize, but we did not speak. In fact, we still haven’t spoke. Nothing I said was wrong, but I was crazy parent.

Note confrontations when you are in early recovery – not a good idea. Early recovery with no food or drink – NO! When it is about your kids – walk away. But, I’m a single mom. It was on me. I was not my best that day. But I did not drink.

Two days later, my principal said we needed to meet. But, not then. Tomorrow. And she said it is best we assume good intentions. In both of my encounters this week, I had not assumed best intentions. I had to reign my recovery brain back in and go back and approach things more even keel and lay low. Time to stop trying to be everything to everyone. Worry about your own world.

The next day – no meeting. She was super busy and couldn’t get to me. So not sleeping the night before was wasted. Day 10. Only have told 4 people I am alcohol free. Still doing it on my own. Decide to tell my daughter I was 10 days AF. Good. I shouldn’t have expected more than that. Why should she believe that this is for real? She has been the one who cleaned up all the loose ends till 2016. She’s had a front row on how I held it all together with her help. Oh well. 10 days.

My phone was ringing. My daughter was facetimeing me. She was telling me that Brayden’s dad was coming to get him. Brayden called him and told him to come get him. She told me to wake up so I would be up when Greg got there to get Brayden. I got out of bed as Brayden was leaving his room. I tried to reassure him I was fine. Wow his dad was already there. Brayden is yelling at me that I am drunk. I realize I am going to have to let him go with Greg. They leave. Am I going to lose Brayden?

I go back to bed. I am kicking myself for getting drunk. I hadn’t really had that many had I? I just went out to see Sean while Brayden was playing video games so I wouldn’t lose Sean after all the work of the weekend of getting him back. Then things went sideways with Sean and he was saying things were over. He left. My friends took me home. I really wasn’t that drunk. I was upset. This was how I went through the night in my mind.

Fuck it. I got up and walked to the bar at 1:30 in the morning to get my car. I realize now I was still drunk. I drove my car home and went to bed. I couldn’t change anything tonight.

I woke up. What time was it? Shit its 8:24. My required meeting started at 8:00. I got online – and the meeting had been going for 25 minutes. What did I miss? I frantically logged on to YouTube so they couldn’t track I was late. I muddled through my work tasks and got it done. Whew! Greg texts – can I get Brayden? Yes. Okay time to reign it in.  You need to be sober for Brayden. Who knows if you and Jeff are still talkin?. He’s not answering. You have got to be a better mother.

I picked up Brayden. Silence. He asked, “Do you remember what happened last night?” And I lie, and say yes I do. I remembered the end. I explained that my anxiety took over when Sean and I broke up. That distorts how the alcohol affects me. I wasn’t drunk. I was having an anxiety attack and my friends drove me home because I was so upset. I asked him what he needed. He said an apology. I said I am more sorry than you know. It won’t happen again. I got home and had an email from Greg. This can never happen again where I leave Brayden to go to the bar and come home drunk. If it does, he will go to court and sue for full custody. If I need time to figure this out, he can shift time to give me the time to do that. I respond that it will never happen again and I don’t need any changes to parenting time. I can fix this.

I go to the school for work the next day. Share this same story I told Brayden with my friend and think it is over with Sean. Work is a shit show and so much was happening and I could not track. I left because of course there is no internet. Where do I go? The bar. There’s internet. I don’t have to drink. Brayden was with his dad. I could have one and get the rest of my work done and get through the to do list I had.

I finished work and joined my bar friends and had my second. Everything was laid back at first and then a newcomer joined the group and she could see right through me and got me talking. And I centered it on how overwhelmed I felt. Sean was gone. I had surgery possibly coming up. I text an old baseball buddy and got him to listen. After 5 drinks, I tab out. But after the tears, the drinks kept coming. I contacted one friend to take me home when I realized it had gone sideways and I couldn’t drive. They wouldn’t and I felt abandoned.  Sean went camping. I called my old baseball buddy and Lyft to his house to finish watching the game. I remember directing the driver where to go – and I get there. I had only been there twice before. I texted am I here? I was there thankfully because the driver had left. I proceeded to continue drinking through the end of the ball game. I woke up at 3:00 during a rebroadcast of the game passed out on the couch. Oh! I felt awful. Go back to sleep.

I woke up at 5:00 because I was hung over, and my friend turned on a Saved by The Bell marathon. I was so anxious and nauseous and I couldn’t do anything. I just laid there in misery. He had an appointment at 9:00, so I moved off the couch to the bed to be out of their way. He came in after and suggested brunch. Thank god – I could get a drink. We got to brunch – and I ordered doubles. I felt awful and needed help. The food was good but I could only eat one piece of the quesadilla. He took me back to my car which was still at the bar. I went into the bar. I’ll have one or two. I am not buzzed yet and I feel a little better. It’s dead, so I talked to the bartender as I drank. .Everything was fine. I don’t know how many I had. And after I paid so I’d stop drinking, more drinks came. I called my friend to please come get me. She knew Sean and I were on the rocks. She drove me home and got me food. She left me at home. I drunk texted for a while.

I woke up at 4:30. OMG I was still in the same clothes. Who did I text? I went through texts. Went through emails? A new video is now available? I posted a video? When did I make a video? OMG – I made a video after my friend left? I am ridiculously drunk! Who had seen it? 13 views? Oh my god, how do I get it down? Okay, it’s down. Oh my god. You cannot drink. Look up sober apps that have been on your phone for a year. Reset. Starting now. August 9th. Take a picture so you remember.

Brayden will be back from his dad’s. I need to get better. I muddled through the day and cleaned around the house and made it look like I had been home and not been drunk. Waited for Brayden to get back and took him to Fort Collins. See! I could get through a Sunday and not drink. Drove home late from Fort Collins. I’ll stop for 1. It’s almost last call anyway. How many can I have? Three drinks and 45 minutes later, I left to go home. Fell asleep.

Shit – It’s 7:45. Meetings start at 8:00. Camera off. I got through the work day. Go to the bar for lunch because I can bring my own food and sit there and not drink. I did it. I don’t remember what I did when I went back to work, but it wasn’t at home. I show back up at 5:00. I can sit there and have two and then go home. That is all I need to do. I’m not drunk. I’m handling it. I can have another. Wow – why did I think I have a problem? I know what’s going on. I can hang and be fine. This weekend was just this weekend. It’s 10:45. I need to go home. Shit – I had 7 and I’m not drunk. I don’t have a problem.

Shit – It’s 8:15. I’ve got to be on a Meet. No I don’t. Cool. I have independent stuff I need to get done. Okay. Awesome. All that work this summer was for something! Sean is back from camping. I can meet him. Okay only drink water after what he saw. We talked about camping. He left. I guess we’re done. Big breath. It’s really over.

I headed to the bar. I don’t want to be alone, but I’m only going to have 2.  The man next to me buys my first one since I’m a teacher. Awesome! The DJ buys my next two because of having his back the night before. I can deal with 3. Okay I’ll have one more, the guy next to me is buying again. It’s almost closing, I’ll buy one so I can leave a tip. I head home. I’m not drunk.

I woke up almost late again. Okay I can’t stop at two. This needs to end. I reset the counters. Here we go. I meet Sean for HH and I have water. He opens up about what happened Wednesday night and how awful I was. He didn’t even know who I was. He thought he knew me because we had been together for a year. But who I was on Wednesday night was someone he had never seen. I twisted everything we were. He had to leave because I would not stop. He had never ended it with me like I had told myself. I listened in disbelief. It was so bad. Who was I? What had I said and done? And then I had gone home to my son and watched his dad take him away. I had gotten another email from Greg stipulating that I don’t drink when I have Brayden. I had already committed to that. But the last two nights proved I couldn’t drink at all. Aug 11. Here we go!

I came home and texted Sean a long apology I don’t remember. But I knew it was over over. I could never be that woman who was that way to Sean and came home that night to Brayden. Not this. This could not be my life. I worked too hard to get this job. I can’t fuck this up.