#so for reference

Dan slowly lifted Neil’s helmet off and placed it down next to him. Trying to hide her look of concern with a light smile. Neil couldn’t return a smile, he was too focused on trying not to pass out from the burning, growing, pain and asphyxiation. Somewhere, far off, he heard his other teammates making quiet comments. Though he couldn’t make out the words quite right, he could still hear their tones. Matt sounded concerned, kneeling down next to Dan and whispering softly to her. Kevin: annoyed. Grumbling about how Neil should know how to pace himself on the court. Andrew: bored. He stood with his racket perpendicular to the ground, his chin resting on the butt of it. Aaron seemed intrigued almost curious, but not a single drop of concern could be found in his eyes. . Allison and Seth were talking so quietly, he couldn’t even hear the tone they were using. Nicky was standing farthest away from Neil, his facial expression looking like he was trying to piece something together. That look made Neil’s gut twist with anxiety. He couldn’t afford anyone finding out about this, they’d kick him off the team for sure. Exy was all he had, he couldn’t bare to lose it. Renee stayed silent, but she hovered just behind Dan, worriedly looking down at Neil.

“Do you need water?” Matt asked, breaking the few seconds of extremely uncomfortable silence. Neil nodded, managing to get out a raspy, “Yes… Please,”

Matt nodded and got up, leaving the court in search for Neil’s water bottle. Neil then made moves to get up, Dan instantly started trying to help him. Neil just waved her off, wanting to get up on his own. He’d shown enough weakness enough already.

“How about you go to the locker room? Take a break for a bit, ok?” Dan suggested, Neil instantly opened his mouth to protest. He had to get back into the practice, he could get through this if he just got used to it. He was sure of that.

“No,” Dan shut it down before it even started, “I’m your team captain, so you’ll listen to me and go, alright?” Neil had no other choice than to obey. He picked his racket up and slowly made his way off court. Once he was off, Dan turned back to her team and started practice up again.

The court doors banged shut behind Neil. He trudged into the locker room, trying his best to ignore the intense stare he felt from Wymack. But Wymack hadn’t said a word to him yet. Neil hoped he would keep it that way.

Neil sat down on one of the wooden benches, his elbows on his knees as he put his head in his hands. He was still working on getting his breathing under control when he heard the locker room door swing open with force. Neil jumped and looked up to see Kevin approaching.

“What the hell was that?” It sounded more like a demand than a question. Neil rolled his eyes and stood up.

“I’m fine, thanks for asking,” He replied, his voice dripping with annoyance.

“I don’t give a shit,” Kevin spat, the anger was practically radiating off of him.

“What the hell happened to the Neil Josten I recruited? The one who gave me his game? And now you can’t even get past the first twenty minutes of practice?”

“I’m working on it,” He said simply, his tone harsh yet cold.

“Well work harder,” Kevin berated, balling the front of Neil’s jersey in his fist. Even though there was about three layers between Kevin’s fist and his chest, one of which being his thick chest padding, Neil could still feel a sudden fear pulse through him. Neil grabbed Kevin’s wrist and forced his way out of his grip. Making sure to keep his expression schooled, to not let a single hint of fear creep on it.

“Fuck off,” Neil glared, taking a few cautionary steps back.

“We can’t afford having you passing out every goddamn game, so you better get your shit together or else-” “Or else what?” A new voice cut in, “Take a hike, Kevin,” Neil looked past Kevin’s shoulder and saw Nicky standing at the door, his arms folded as he leaned up against the wall.

“You’re in no place to tell me what to do,” Kevin huffed, turning towards Nicky.

“Andrew’s orders,” He said simply, his voice staying level. Kevin grumbled something angrily under his breath and walked off, heavily glaring at Nicky as he passed by. Neil sighed and sat back down, staring at his hands. He could hear Nicky walking over to him, then felt Nicky sit down on the bench, a solid two feet between them.

“Is there something you want to share, Neil?” Nicky asked softly. Neil squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“No, I’m fine,” He said, fooling no one.

“I won’t tell them, you know,” Nicky reassured. He thought back to the week before when Nicky had said the same thing. He’d walked in on Neil mid testosterone shot. At first, Nicky thought that he was doing heroin or something, but Neil was quick to sweep that idea away. He half lied and said that he took it because he had a natural testosterone deficiency, and that he needed it. Which was true, Neil just didn’t say how much testosterone he was really lacking. Nicky did seem skeptical at first, but Neil had no trouble convincing him. Maybe he just hadn’t done as well as he thought he did in that department.

“How can I trust you?” Neil questioned, opening his eyes again, though he didn’t dare look up at Nicky. Truly, he didn’t know how to trust anyone, let alone Nicky. And to be quite honest, Neil didn’t want to trust Nicky, but it seemed that he’d have to now. Nicky already knew, he was just waiting for Neil to say the words.

“I haven’t told a soul about your heroin addiction,” Nicky joked lightly. He laughed softly at his own joke. Neil felt a ten pound weight fall off his shoulders from that. He sighed, finding a way to work up the courage to say it, it was only a simple two words, and yet they seemed to get caught in his throat. Neil took a few deep breaths, wringing his hands.

“I’m trans,” His voice was quite, borderline inaudible. Though Nicky picked it up clear as day.

“Thank you, for trusting me,” He said genuinely. Neil just nodded in response, finally standing up and looking at Nicky.

“Just promise me you won’t be an idiot again?” Nicky asked as he stood. Neil sighed and started weighing the pros and cons of not binding while on the court.

“It’s really too many layers to even notice, and the chest armour alone can probably hide it,” Nicky cut in before Neil could think of refusing.

“Fine, I won’t be an idiot anymore,” Neil agreed, he could see Nicky physically relax.

“Starting tomorrow,” Neil added. Nicky nodded and thought of that as reasonable.

“Alright,” Nicky started to the door, then turned when he noticed Neil wasn’t following just yet, “Come on, we’ve got a practice to finish,”

Neil nodded and starting jogging out of the locker room. He gave Wymack a small nod as he passed by him, to show that he was fine. Wymack’s look said that they’d be talking about this later, but Neil didn’t want to worry about that right now. As he walked onto the court and towards his starting position, Nicky stopped him with his racket.

“Hey, take it easy kid, got it?” He waited for Neil to show a sign of understanding.

“Got it,”

-

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