#sloth writes

something something Evan coming home from a long shift for the season 10 opener. he’s exhausted and hasn’t seen Theo in a few days, and he feels bad because he took the whole summer off so they could properly get acquainted, and he promised not to stay gone this long, and even though they’ve had calls, it’s not the same.

he gets home late and his heart is aching because Theo is already in bed asleep—in his bed of course, because the kid is still dealing with the death of his parents and who is Evan to tell his mini twin no?

he stops in the doorway to stare for a bit, promising he’ll make the most of the next few days. when he gathers up the energy to move, he walk into the dimly lit kitchen. theres an open beer waiting for him beside another, half-finished bottle. he takes a long sip from it and sighs, grateful to be home.

arms wrap around his waist and he gets a kiss to the back of his neck before one hand reaches up for the half-gone beer.

“sorry, I didn’t mean to be gone so long,” he murmurs. his body is almost dead weight against Tommy’s.

“it’s fine, Evan. we had a good time. and how better to convince the kid to like me than to have forced proximity,” he teases.

Evan blushes. “you could’ve called Maddie. or Carla. they would’ve tagged you out.”

he turns as he talks, Tommy watching him with those eyes.

“listen, I know I brought this all on you suddenly, and he’s not-..”

“he’s yours,” Tommy reminds him. “and I promised myself if I ever got you back, I wouldn’t let go. and while I hadn’t exactly imagined you having a tiny version of yourself hanging around, I’m not mad about it.”

Evan blushes. if there’s anyone who could possibly love Theo more than him, it’s probably Tommy. still, this is all so new and unplanned for.

“was it a good day then,” he asks.

Tommy nods, setting his beer on the counter behind Evan as his arms block the younger firefighter in. “he’s convinced you’ll let me take him up for a flight.”

“never,” Evan counters. “or at least not until he’s thirty. five.”

Tommy snorts. Theo clearly doesn’t have the same qualms about flying as his birth-slash-foster father.

There were many things that Tommy had written off his chance of ever getting by the time he turned 40.

Married was one of them. Abby had been the closest he’d ever come, and that had been such a farce that he had promised himself after he left her that he’d only get engaged one day if it felt real and was for the right reasons.

cw: mentions of canon-compliant drug addiction and MCD, discussion of sobriety. wordcount: 2997

something something about a rooftop reunion during the firehouse dedication. enjoy.

Tommy watches Evan disappear into the stairwell as everyone is picking up their slices of cake. He glances down at the plate in his head, silently wishing not to have to sacrifice it—he’s only had one bite, damn it, and it’s the good Costco kind with the chocolate shell—but something tells him to go. He glances around for a safe space to leave the slice—there isn’t one—and lets out a small huff as he tosses the plate into the trash. Evan will pay for this. 

He crosses the firehouse and climbs the mezzanine, entirely unsurprised by the lack of attention that it catches from the others. Down the hall, past the supply closet, bathrooms, and extra offices, he finds the door to the stairs to the roof. He shoves through and heads up, taking them two at a time, easing the door to the outside open quietly. 

Evan is a sight—when is he not, but regardless. The sun is shining bright with minimal cloud coverage, and the breeze is warm as the younger man leans against the cement siding. 

“Don’t jump,” Tommy jokes as he fully steps out. 

Evan glances over his shoulder, back at the pilot, and the half-smile on the pilot’s face doesn’t seem to do much in terms of piercing whatever veil stands between Evan and him. The younger firefighter turns his head back toward the city, shaking his head slightly. 

Tommy takes a few steps forward, tucking his hands into his pockets. “Lot of people down there. ’Ts a nice turnout. For the dedication, I mean.” He continues walking forward, trying not to be entirely swept up by the sight of Evan in his dress blues. “I’m sure they’re all happy to see you.” 

Evan lets out something between a snort and a huff, shaking his head tightly as he stares out at the city. “Not a damn one of them cares if I’m here or not.” 

Tommy glances to the side at him as he comes to stand a few feet away next to the barrier on the roof. “I can’t honestly believe that.” 

“Well it’s a good thing that the truth doesn’t require your belief in it,” Evan mutters. 

Tommy narrows his gaze, his brow furrowing as he focuses his attention fully on the younger man. “I’m sorry, have I done something?” 

The way his voice lilts and the derisiveness are grating on Evan’s nerves. 

“No, Tommy,” he says, finally turning to look back at the pilot. “In order to do something, you would’ve had to have actually been around.” 

If he’s been confused up to this point, now he’s just pissed. “Hey. I didn’t tell you to go off and leave the damn state and move three-quarters of the way across the country-..” 

“You didn’t do anything!” Evan argues back. “Nobody did! I woke up after Bobby’s funeral and I-i-it was like- like everyone just checked the fuck out! I tried to show up for everyone, make sure everyone was doing okay, because that’s what he wanted a-and-…and nothing! Hen and Chim acted like it was too much for them to give more than basic answers, Eddie threw his fist in my face, and you-..” 

“Eddie what?” Tommy asks, his eyebrows raising in surprise. 

“And you, where were you?” Evan asks, anger rising in his voice. “Because one minute, you- you were there, through every night and day. A-after months of nothing! After you walked out on the future I asked you for, you were- you-… and then E-Eddie came home and you disappeared like a ghost in the night. What the hell, Tommy!” 

“I was trying to give you space to grieve,” he responds, trying to temper his own emotions and not feed Evan’s anger. “I didn’t want to-..” 

“Didn’t want to, what? Be around in case I suddenly realized in my grief that I wanted to be with Eddie and not move out of the house when he suddenly decided to move back to LA?” Evan yells, holding his hand out as though the space on the roof displays the invisible paraphernalia of his memories. “Because that didn’t happen. The only- there was nothing- and Bobby is just-..” 

Evan shakes his head, looking away. 

Tommy glances down, and there are people clearly starting to matriculate out of the firehouse into the parking lot, looking up. 

“So you up and move to Nashville because I didn’t pick up a phone,” Tommy asks him. 

Evan’s eyes crinkle with irritation. “Are you not fucking listening to me? I transferred. And when out-of-state became an option and my phone still hadn’t rang, I figured, what the hell. No one around here seems to give a damn, so why bother sticking around?” 

Tommy shakes his head, looking over at Evan as the younger man puts space between them again.

“What did you want me to say, Evan,” he asks. “Please, enlighten me. Because I’ll find the damn words. Don’t go? Because if I’d known that you were going to, and it would’ve kept you here, I would have. Pick me? I think I’ve already done that once already, and we saw how that resulted.” 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean,” Evan argues. 

“I don’t have to care about everyone I sleep with,” Tommy recites, his bitchy tone leaking all over the words as he uses air quotes to emphasize his point. “And yet, last I checked, I still showed up when you called. I stole a helicopter—again, by the way—and fought the military in the sky so that we could save someone you love, again. I didn’t ask for a thank you, or a commendation. I didn’t even ask for help in the penalties. I just thought maybe when you were doing a little better, you might call and ask for a cup of coffee.” 

“I wasn’t doing better!” Evan yells at him. Tommy’s expression freezes, and now the people outside down below are far more obvious than they were previously. The sound of heels can be heard click-clacking against the cement and the unmistakable sound of whispers while people chatter away, clearly about whatever part of this soap opera they’ve walked in on. 

“Hey, you guys?” 

They both whip their heads back toward the door, and Ravi looks almost frightened for interrupting them. 

“J- um- Peo-people can hear you,” he says nervously. He lifts a hand in surrender, muttering something akin to ‘just, um, never mind’, before closing the door again. Behind it, his voice is muffled, but the communication seems pretty clear along the lines of ‘no, I’m not going back out there, and neither are you’. 

Tommy walks toward Evan as the younger man looks around, waving a hand up in defeat. 

“I wasn’t doing better,” he repeats, softer this time. When his hand falls back against his thigh, Tommy’s fingers slide into it, and Evan looks up at him through his eyelashes. “Nobody needed any help, and I didn’t know what to do, and you were gone and you’d already done so much and I…” 

“Needed to be somewhere else,” Tommy offers, his own voice softer. 

Evan nods, swallowing against the knot in his throat. “Somewhere that I didn’t feel out of place. O-or at least if I did, it was on purpose. So when I failed to cancel my transfer and the offer came through, and I didn’t have anywhere to live-..”

“You left,” Tommy states. “Also, we’re gonna circle back to the whole ‘no place to live’ thing. But first… you have people who need you here.” 

“Like who,” Evan mutters, rolling his neck as he glances up at Tommy. The pilot tilts his head, fighting against the wave of nerves telling him that baring his soul is the worst possible thing he could do because what the fuck are you doing Kinard? The last time you were this honest, he told you he could fuck you without feeling anything. 

“Like me.” The words come out soft, hardly more than a whisper and with almost no intonation. Shaking. “I need you here. I’ve needed you here since the day you walked into my hangar and I started trying to think of a thousand and one ways to get you back there so I could figure out how to make you a part of my life.” 

Evan lets out a small laugh, and for a moment, Tommy thinks things are good, but when he looks up at the younger firefighter, Evan just looks even more defeated. 

“Then where was all of this a year ago?” Evan questions. “When I asked you to move in? When you were telling me I was going to decide you weren’t good enough for me one day? Where was my agency to make decisions for myself then?” 

Tommy opens his mouth and his shoulder lift with a heavy inhale. So they’re not out of the woods on this. Okay. 

“I don’t know, Evan,” he answers. “Maybe I was a little concerned that one day you were going to wake up and realize I’m not the image of perfection that you boxed me into. That you it was going to dawn on you one day that there are better people out there than I, and that you’re better off pursuing one of them.” 

“You really are full of yourself, you know that,” Evan counters. Tommy looks back at him, utterly baffled. 

“Come again?” 

“You are,” he continues. “You want to know the words I used to describe you the night I figured out how I felt about you? Cruel and dishonest. You think I’m incapable of seeing you with flaws, and capable of failure? I know you’re capable of those things, Tommy. You broke the heart of the very person who set me on my path to you, and you did that by lying.” 

Tommy’s expression sinks, his gaze falling away. Evan steps back toward him anyway. 

“I’m not blind to who you are. I know that you’re broken and bruised and people have left you bleeding, and that you’ve done terrible things to good people. I was aware of all of that, right alongside the moment that I realized that it didn’t matter because you’re human and because I loved you, and I wanted to build a future with you.” 

Tommy lifts his head then, meets Evan’s gaze at those words. His lips part, but the half a dozen questions of ‘why, when, how, where’ and so forth, don’t pass them. 

Evan laughs again. “You thought I had you up on a pedestal? I know you’re an idiot. You’re fucking maniac too, by the way. Flying into a hurricane on a whim? Taking on the army because your ex-boyfriend needs a favor? D-does that mean that you said yes to Hen and Chim because you secretly had a crush on my brother-in-law? Or on Bobby? Because truly, I would love to know who I should be taking notes from-..” 

Tommy’s lips crash on his then, shutting him up. Evan stumbles half a step backwards, but the pilot catches him, and his hold is firm as Evan moans into his mouth, loops an arm around his neck, holding onto the back of his head. It’s one of those ‘steal your breath, steal your man’ kisses, and if Tommy wasn’t holding him upright at that moment, Evan swears he’d be on the ground from how badly his knees are shaking. 

When their lips finally part, Tommy’s forehead is still pressed against Evan’s. 

“Why didn’t you say any of this back in November? Or January? O-or any day since?” 

Evan’s still regaining his breath, and it’s all the time Tommy needs to regain his composure, stand them both up straight. He turns and walks across the roof and halfway back before stopping and looking up at Evan, utterly confused. 

“Loved, Evan? And how far down into that future were past the wedding without cluing me into any of this, because I know how your brain works-..” 

This time, it’s Evan quieting him with his mouth. It’s slower, but with just as emotion behind it. Somehow, Tommy’s fist ends up wrapped around the lapel of Evan’s jacket, keeping him close when they part once more. 

“Love,” Evan rectifies. “Present tense. As for the plans, they were pretty fluid.” 

The smirk on his lips is absolutely infuriating, and yet, Tommy still wants to kiss it off his face. He finally realizes the death grip he has on Evan’s jacket, and he loosens his fist just slightly. 

“If I’d known…” Tommy’s eyes move in a scattered manner, searching the space for the words, and simultaneously for a place to land, until ultimately he’s looking back at Evan again, eyes flitting between his gaze and his lips. “You- … You think I could’ve stayed with you through everything with Bobby if I didn’t love you back?” 

Evan shrugs. “Maybe you just felt bad for me.” 

Tommy turns to face him fully, grabbing both of Evan’s hands in his. 

“Sweetheart, feeling bad doesn’t scratch the surface,” he states, feeling his throat tighten at the memory. “I s-saw…and I didn’t- I mean I couldn’t-… I left when Eddie came back because it’s I thought was right. If I’d known, I never would’ve let you leave.” 

Evan gulps. It’s like butterflies fighting cannonballs in his stomach as he stares back at Tommy. On one hand, they’ve just achieved more in one conversation than they have in almost a year. On the other hand, he lives in Nashville. His job and his life are now in Nashville. He no longer has a foothold in Los Angeles, outside of Maddie and his niblings, and he’s not about to ask her about crashing on her couch when she’s got a newborn.

“What now?” He asks softly. 

Tommy lifts a hand to his face, brushes his knuckles against Evan’s cheek. He shrugs. 

“Have dinner with me?” Tommy offers. “Figure it out one conversation at a time?” 

Evan leans into his touch, staring back at the pilot. He nods. Tommy smiles at him—that soft, fond, heartened expression that makes his emotions clear. Evan can’t help smiling back at him at that. 

“Yeah, okay.” 

Tommy nods then, reaching for his fingers once more. After a few moments more standing together, he pulls Evan toward the door. 

had this drabble in my head for a hot second. enjoy. post-s8 shenanigans.

-

"I owe you an apology."

Tommy looks up from his coffee with wide eyes. Maddie is standing across the kitchen from him, her own fresh cup in her hands. She'd come out from getting baby Bobby down, having fallen asleep in the rocking chair in the nursery while he'd been left in the house with Jee-Yun when the girl had wrangled him into a very convoluted pretend play of princesses and dragons. Evan was outside with Howie, working on a landscaping project that Tommy was supposed to join him on before his attention had been taken over by Jee.

"You really don't," he tells her, glancing out into the other room. Jee had fallen asleep on him—literally—about ten minutes before Maddie had come out, and he'd been so heartened by the fact that he hadn't wanted to move her. Maddie had shifted her over once she came out and offered him coffee.

"I do, though, "she states, stirring a spoon inside her coffee cup to mix the flavored creamer in. Her indulgences with the drink aren't very different from Tommy's, always seeking the sweetness instead of the caffeine.

She takes a deep breath, sips rom her drink before setting it on the counter.

"I wasn't very nice to you during round one of your and Evan's relationship, much less during the…off season," she comments.

Tommy lets out the slightest chuckle, the corner of his mouth pulling up as he acquiesces a nod before taking a sip of his own coffee.

"I'll give you that one," he responds. "But he's your brother. And as I understand it, maybe even more than that, given the situation with your parents," he comments as he sets his own coffee on the counter and leans back against it, wrapping his fingers over the ledge.

Maddie nods. "I recognize that he's an adult, and that end of the day, we're siblings-.."

"But for all intents and purposes, he's still your baby in some contexts," Tommy finishes for her. Maddie nods at the statement.

He's never said much on the subject, but he's always seen the way that Maddie has looked at Evan when they were in group situations. He still remembers the way she had kept watch over him at her own wedding reception—both the impromptu one thrown at the hospital, and the one that Bobby and Athen had held for them weeks later when schedules finally lined up and they were able to do something small at their condo. Maddie had been cordial, at the very least, but she had always kept a watchful eye on him, always waiting for…something. She never commented on whatever it was that she was waiting to see take place, but it seemed obvious once the breakup took place—she was waiting on him to end things.

"The thing is, for as complex as Evan's trauma is, he doesn't know it the same way we do," Maddie states. Tommy inhales sharply, staring down into his coffee mug.

It's not that he's ever expected Evan to not tell other people about the things he's shared about his own life—he knows that keeping secrets isn't healthy, and it directly affected the downfall of their relationship in the first go around. It wasn't at all that Tommy didn't want Evan to know him, either, or that he didn't want to know Evan in deeper ways. But when they had finally taken the time to sit down and really talk about the dark stuff that they'd avoided during the first year, it was more than clear that the trauma they both held wasn't light or easy. He fully understood Evan's urge to cling with a life filled with abandonment, including an entire quarter of his life in which he didn't speak to a single member of his family—and none of them had bothered to reach out to him. Adding to that he fact that he was 29 before he knew about his dead brother, and the fact that his entire life existed because he'd been intended as a savior sibling—so much about the younger man had come into focus for Tommy. He had no problem assuming that the same could also be said for Evan in relation to him.

"I think he's got a bit of a better grasp on it now," Tommy answers, still staring down into his coffee cup. He can't actually be entirely sure that the younger man really does understand the urge to bolt, but in the face of Bobby's death, while he urged to cling and stay close, Tommy needed time alone to process. It wasn't even that he didn't appreciate the comfort of being with Evan—he very much so did—but in the same breadth, he had only ever known a life where processing loss came hand-in-hand with loneliness. He needed the silence to figure out his own thoughts. But it was also that need for separation—short as it may have been—that ultimately led to the fighting that brought them back together.

"I imagine he does," Maddie states softly. She stares at Tommy for a time, and when he looks back up at her, the expression on her face is one he's only ever seen in his direction as a young child. It's the way that his mom used to look at him before she died. A layer of emotions, usually some mixed level of both pride and annoyance, but always covered in love. It makes a wave of something unfamiliar rush through his chest.

Well, maybe not unfamiliar so much as so distantly memorable that it doesn't feel right at first.

"Anyway, my point was…" Maddie trails off after a moment, and Tommy glances over at her again. There's something familiar in their shared gaze, but whether her statement is too loaded to put into words, or she doesn't fully have a grasp on it, she's not sure. He lets out another soft breath of a chuckle and nods.

"You didn't think I was going to change my mind," he states, not questioning. "Come back."

"I wasn't entirely sure," she admits. "I just knew that I recognized something in you, and I didn't like it. It took me a while, when you came back around to really grasp what it was that I was ambivalent about, but when you showed up and helped with saving Howie, a-and stuck around for Evan…" She glances back down at her coffee, touching the cup anxiously while also trying to keep her emotions together. "Well, anyway, I've seen Evan's life be a revolving door, in the kind of way where people come and go. They don't really come back. And I knew he loved you, but I wasn't sure if you loved him. Before then, I mean."

"Figured I was just along for the good times with the hot sibling," Tommy comments, just a hint of his bitchy tone and a smile on his face. Maddie scoffs.

"He is not the hot sibling."

"He kind of is," Tommy answers with a slight tilt of his head, and then they're both laughing, and it feels good. It feels warm and safe, and he has just the slightest pang of anxiety about letting himself really sink into it. No matter how much Evan tells him that there isn't anyone else and he doesn't want someone else, the fear of letting himself believe in another future that he won't actually get is still terrifying.

"The important thing is that you believe that," Maddie states, still laughing a little. As she finishes talking, though, just a smile remains on her face, and Tommy knows she means it.

Tommy glances out toward the back patio as Evan and Howie work on moving a bag of mulch into large pots, and his expression softens.

"He still scares me, if I'm honest," he tells her. "I've put faith into relationships in the past that didn't work out, and that hurt. But falling in love with him, and then telling myself that I couldn't have him…" His eyes get that overly dry feeling as he feels the edge of them brim with moisture. He glances back over at Maddie briefly, and she has that look on her face again, and it makes his heart twist. His gaze falls to her hands wrapped around her coffee mug as he drags his teeth against themselves, bites the side of his cheek. "He feels like a home I haven't known since…and I couldn't let go of him the way I should have. S-so even though he tells me otherwise, I still wake up every day convinced just a little bit that he will actually destroy me."

Maddie sets her cup down and Tommy looks away, suddenly feeling as though he needs to pull himself together in the right way. He forces a breath out and pushes a smile across his face as she walks over to him, wraps her small hands around his bicep, leaning into his side a little. The height difference is a little ridiculous, but he finds he doesn't mind it.

"I think you've figured this out, but Evan loves big, and in grand gestures. He has a penchant for missteps and overcorrection, but he means only the best with all of it. And in the midst of all of that, I have never seen him love the way he loves you, even if it took him a while to piece all of that together."

Tommy glances down at Maddie, his gaze narrowed just slightly.

"You don't think he's going to change his mind one day?" He tries to make it sound like a joke, but the trembling in his voice gives him away, and Maddie squeezes his bicep.

"Believe me when I tell you, Evan doesn't see anyone else," Maddie tells him. "Also, if you tell him that I've told you this, I'll deny it because of how disgusted I was when he said it to begin with. But I have heard him make the statement that if it was humanly possible, he'd have your children." Maddie narrows her eyes at Tommy. "Truth be told, I wouldn't be surprised if he did a deep dive to see if it is possible."

Tommy blushes at her statement, lets out a laugh, and it makes Maddie laugh too. For a solid two minutes, they lean against each other and the counter, laughing until it hurts to keep doing so, at which point the patio doors open and Evan and Howie come walking in, pink and each covered in a sheen of sweat. The center of Evan's tank clings to his chest, and it makes Tommy feral just looking at him.

"Might have to do a google search of my own," he mutters toward Maddie. She slaps his arm and steps away as Evan and Howie both mutter some version of 'what?' Maddie walks over to her husband and wraps an arm around him, pulling him away as Evan approaches Tommy. The pilot watches his boyfriend as Evan drapes an arm over his shoulder, fingers grazing at his hairline as he smirks at him.

"You are so dirty right now," Tommy tells him. "And sweaty."

Evan nods. "We were going to shower. The master bedroom has its own. And besides, you like me all sweaty and worked up." He trails a finger down the center of Tommy's chest, slipping it in past the button the fastened button in the center of Tommy's chest. The pilot glances down at what he's doing, can't fight the smirk pulling on his face. Evan leans into him, tilts up toward his ear. "Shower with me."

"There are children here," Tommy murmurs back to him, glancing toward the hall. He hears the bedroom door shut down the hall, and Evan presses his heated, sweaty cheek into Tommy's. "And I didn't plan for this."

"I did," Evan whispers, turning his head more and biting down into the space below Tommy's ear as he leans closer to him. Tommy gulps. Evan's free hand slides down his torso before his fingers curl into the waist of the pilot's jeans. "I have clothes for you. Shower with me."

Tommy opens his mouth to respond, but Evan's fingers dip lower, and the pilot gasps as the tips of Evan's fingers brush against him.

"Quickie in the shower," he whispers, his throat tight with need. "Quiet like a mouse."

Evan grins against his neck, and he can feel it.

"Sure," he answers gruffly. When he pulls away, the grin is still plastered on his face as he tugs Tommy forward by the hand still in his jeans. "Bag's already in the bathroom."

Tommy is mildly panicked when he walks into their home. He’s just come off his first day back at work after the shooting and is excited for him and Evan to have their first ninety-six off living in the same home. It wasn’t supposed to actually work out that way—he was supposed to have gone back to work earlier in the week—but his doctors had held him off for a little longer, and then with the process of Evan repacking all of his things and moving out of Eddie’s house, the time between of availability for them had dwindled away during his final recovery days. But now they have this, and he expects it to be great. As it is, it’s the first time they’ll really get to enjoy each other’s company fully since getting back together, since Tommy is considered officially healed. At least…

“Babe?” He calls out through the house as he slips his shoes off. “Did you hear me about the movie? I think we can still get those reservations, too.” 

The house is silent, but he knows Evan’s truck is in the driveway, and briefly he wonders if he younger man decided to take a nap after getting home from his shift. A smile drifts across Tommy’s face at the idea of crawling in next to Evan in their bed. They’ve certainly had their share of post-shift naps together, both at the loft and in this house—but this would be the first one in their bed, their home. The context of that is just as exciting as dinner and a movie. 

He walks through the house, little more noise than the sound of his socks on shag carpetting and the rustle of his jeans as they brush together, until he comes around the corner of the kitchen into the bedroom and his eyes fall on a familiar, small velvet box sitting on top of the dresser. His jaw drops open slightly as panic floods through him. He isn’t sure at all how to approach this topic, but as his gaze drifts over to Evan sitting on the end of the bed, the panic flooding the middle of his chest widens and deepens. The younger man does not look excited or even nervous, but instead upset. 

It takes everything inside Tommy to reel himself in—to remind himself that when he made the choice to break up with Evan a few months back, that choice hadn’t ended well—rather it had ended with Evan at his bedside in a hospital, telling him that there wasn’t another person out there who he wanted to be his last, and that he was head over heels in love with the pilot. Given the moves they’ve made forward in their relationship since, even though his own past trauma would like to suggest that maybe Evan has changed his mind, he knows that, logically, that’s very unlikely. 

“Baby?” 

Evan’s gaze doesn’t lift, and he doesn’t move, and after a moment, Tommy hears him sniffle, and his heart sinks. He picks up the box where it’s been left on the dresser and drops it back into the sock drawer before walking across the space between the door and the bed and kneeling down in front of his boyfriend. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Evan stammers. Tommy lifts a hand to his cheek, tilts the younger man’s face up more so he can see him clearly, and Evan looks so defeated that it twists a knife in his chest. 

“No, baby, you didn’t do anything wrong,” he answers, brushing his thumb back and forth on Evan’s cheekbone. “What’s going on?” 

Evan shakes his head, tears falling down his face, and it’s the first time that Tommy realizes the younger man has been crying. And as much as he’s trying to choose logic over emotions, he knows that whatever Evan is about to tell him has been weighing on him for more than just a few hours. 

“I-…” He inhales shakily, blinking and sending more tears down his face, over the back of Tommy’s hands as the pilot stares up at him wide-eyed, full of concern. “S-should be happy.” 

“You’re not?” Tommy says carefully, still forcing himself to toe the line. Evan turns his head, leaning into the pilot’s touch, and it’s mildly calming. He wouldn’t turn into him if he wanted to break up, right? 

“W-wanna be,” Evan answers, his voice shaking. “Feels- feels like I should- I should be. Everything has- …it’s good now. Everyone is- a-and we’re-..” 

Understanding sinks down over Tommy like the start of a midmorning drizzle, dripping into him one tiny drop at a time. He’s been here before, and he knows exactly what Evan means. 

“Okay, look at me,” he answers, his tone much firmer with the realization of what’s going on. Evan’s gaze lifts, but he doesn’t look any more settled or out of pain. 

“It’s been a tough fucking year for you,” he tells the younger man. “Lightning strike, changes in sexuality, Eddie left and came back, Maddie got kidnapped, we broke up, and I almost died. Even one or two of those events is a lot.” 

Evan sniffles and tries to look away, but Tommy turns his head back toward the pilot and forces his boyfriend to keep holding his gaze. 

“Y-you bought a ring, a-and I sho-should be ecstatic-..” 

Tommy scrunches his face in response, baffled at Evan’s determination to believe he should just suck it all up and give the expected response. 

“Did you hear anything I just said,” the pilot asks. 

“I’m needy and make everything about myself,” Evan tells him. “T-the break-up, Eddie leaving, w-when I called you while Maddie was- was gone. Fuck, Tommy, the- the shooting-..” 

“You were hurting,” his boyfriend reminds him, his tone almost angry. “Needing support doesn’t mean that you’re selfish. You deserve to have people there for you when you’re struggling.” 

Evan inhales and exhales wordlessly, more tears coming down his face. There’s a mountain of a statement not being made about how Tommy has been the only person to ever tell him that, to show up for him in the dark times and bring some light along with it, to love him through his ridiculousness. 

“They- they had more important things-..” 

“And that doesn’t mean that you don’t get to hurt too,” Tommy counters. “This is not the trauma olympics.” His gaze trails over Evan, taking in his demeanor. The way he seemed to curl in on himself, almost rejecting of what Tommy was telling him. And the thing was, for all the conversations they’d had about the places they’d lacked love and support in their lives, had struggled being on their own, he’d always held some degree of faith that the family his boyfriend had created around the 118 did something to show up and support him. 

And yet. 

“I’m exhausting,” Evan mutters, and it breaks something inside Tommy. 

“You are anything but that,” Tommy tells him, his tone bordering on argumentative. “You deserve love and support. You get that, right?” When Evan doesn’t look up at him, Tommy’s hand grips just a little bit tighter against his cheek, and he bobs his head forward to drive the point home. “Right?” 

“Sure,” Evan whispers. 

Tommy shakes his head, tilting Evan’s chin up toward him again. 

“Listen to me. You deserve all of those things,” he insists. “And if everything is too much right now, then we’ll figure it out. We’ll make some phone calls, you can take some time off work-..” 

“I’ve already been out since the shooting too much-..” 

“And that’s what paid time off is for,” Tommy counters. “I know you well enough to know that you haven’t used it all. And I know Bobby well enough that he’ll make you take the time to ensure you’re taking care of yourself more than just physically.” 

Evan opens his mouth to respond, his expression letting on that he’s about to try and counter Tommy, but the older man won’t be dismissed so easily. 

“Evan.” 

His boyfriend meets his gaze, his eyes brimming with more tears. “What?” 

“We’re going to figure it out,” Tommy says softly to him. “You can rest, and put yourself first. Let the people who love you put your first.” 

Evan sniffles again, the tears in his eyes coming down his face. It takes more than a few seconds, but eventually, he nods. Tommy stands and moves into the spot next to him, still keeping one hand on his face as Evan turns his head toward him. 

“What do you want to do,” he asks softly. “Not in the grand scheme, but right this second? What can I do for you?” 

Evan gulps, his gaze low. “I’m just so tired.” 

Tommy nods. “Okay. Do you want to lay down? Can I hold you? Would that help?” 

Evan nods, and then Tommy moves them up the bed. The younger man curls up tightly against him, but it’s not like how they normally are. Instead of Evan laying half on top of him, his body is rigid at Tommy’s side, like being tightly wound is all he can do to hold himself together. 

The pilot reaches over and combs a hand through Evan’s hair, brushing his thumb against Evan’s jaw when his hand settles. He feels the wetness against his t-shirt as they lie there. 

“‘m sorry,” Evan mutters softly, tucking his face into his hand against Tommy’s chest. 

“No, baby,” the pilot answers just as quietly. “Rest, Evan. Just let go. I’m right here.” 

There’s a period of roughly two or three minutes, where the only sounds in the room is their breathing, and the occasional sniffle. And then, like a wave cresting, it makes landfall and he feels the change against his chest as the tears come fast, the sniffles turn to sobs, and the walls come down. And for all the ways he’s had to let Evan in over the past few months, this might be the first time he’s really seen the younger man break. 

Selfishly, he wants to know who ever told his boyfriend that he was selfish or exhausting for being in pain. He wants to knock their lights out. But for now, he’ll settle for being the comfort. When Evan finally gives in to uncurling, letting the weight of all of his emotions settle over them and the urge that that brings to cling tighter to Tommy, the pilot holds him tighter, speaks softer affirmations to him. 

And then eventually, after a little while, the younger man seems to settle, if for no other reason than exhaustion. Tommy loosens his grip as Evan does, but he doesn’t let go. He feels the way Evan’s breathing deepens against him, and lays quietly next to him, making a mental checklist of what they’ll need to get done over the next few days. 

The younger man doesn’t doze long. After about twenty minutes, he rouses and lifts his head, looking up at Tommy. The pilot stares back at him quietly, observing him. He practically see the way Evan wants to apologize again brimming just beneath the surface, but he doesn’t say it. And then before long, the younger man is settling against him once more, his head on the pillow right beside Tommy’s. 

“You wanted to ask me to marry you,” Evan whispers. 

Tommy inhales a deep breath. He still wasn’t entirely prepared for that conversation today. 

“I still do,” the pilot answers, looking over at him. “But—and I’m not saying this in a bad way—I’d like to table that for when you’re feeling better. For when we’re both in a better headspace to dive into all that that means.” He’s quiet briefly, letting Evan consider his words. “Is that okay?” 

He sees the way Evan’s chin trembles and the way he tries to stuff down his feelings, sniffling instead of giving in to the tears. He nods and then tilts his head against Tommy’s shoulder, and the way he exhales feels a lot to Tommy like a sigh of relief, driving his entire point home that they’ll wait until he’s in a better place. 

For a moment, he tells himself it’s not on him to try and figure out the situation there, but then he watches as the woman leans up to Tommy and he turns toward her. And they kiss. 

“What the hell?” 

Several heads turn in his direction—including Tommy and the woman—and he realizes that he said it louder than he intended to. 

“Well shit,” he mutters to himself. He crosses the space and gets in line, but the look on Tommy’s face is not helping him whatsoever. 

“Can I help you?” Tommy asks. 

Eddie eyes him up and down before looking over at the female and then back at Tommy. 

“I mean what the hell are you doing?” Eddie asks. 

Tommy scowls at him, clearly disgusted by his attitude. 

“Excuse me?” 

“What happened to ‘I’m gay’?” Eddie asks. 

The female turns toward Tommy with a shocked expression as he mutters under his breath. He lifts a finger to Eddie as he pulls his phone from his pocket. 

“What’re you doing,” the female asks Tommy. 

“Just a minute,” he tells her sweetly. A moment later, his phone is ringing in his hand, and it takes less than thirty seconds before the line clicks over.

“What’s up, Donny?” 

Rocker flips his phone around towards Eddie. “You know this asshat?” 

Eddie scowls at Rocker. 

“Eddie?” Tommy comments from the phone. He appears to be cooking. “Wait, where the heck are you guys?” 

“The cafè on fifth,” Rocker answers. “Numb nuts thought I was you.” 

“Really, Diaz,” Tommy comments. “You’ve heard me talk about Rocker. You’ve seen pictures in my house.” 

“He really is the idiot you make him out to be,” Rocker comments. 

“Donovan!” Tommy grumbles. “Will you shut up?” 

“You didn’t tell me Tommy was gay,” Molly comments. Tommy looks up from whatever he’s working on chopping and waves at the camera. 

“Hey, Moll. Yep. Kinsey 6.” 

“The fuck does that mean?” Eddie mutters under his breath. Rocker deadpans at him, clearly annoyed. 

“It means he’s gay, numb nuts.” 

“Rocker!” 

Eddie turns at the sound of Hen’s voice, glancing over at her as she crosses the floor back toward them. Not-Tommy smiles at her, and when she approaches, the two share a hug that throws Eddie even further. He knows that Hen and Tommy are friends, but he’s never seen them that friendly. 

“I haven’t seen you since Tommy left Harbor,” she comments. She and Molly exchange pleasantries as Eddie’s head continues to swim at all the new information. 

“Yeah, 50 David keeps me busy,” Rocker advises her as Molly grabs a bag of coffee beans from a shelf for their purchase. Eddie steps aside to put their coffee order in. 

“That’s right,” Hen muses. “Tommy mentioned you being in charge of your team these days.” She looks past him toward Eddie for a moment. “You good over there, Diaz?” 

He turns back toward her once the order is done, dialing on his phone. “Yeah, um…” 

Hen doesn’t seem to actually care that much, pulled away by Tommy saying something to her on Rocker’s phone. When Eddie’s own phone finally clicks over, Buck is on the screen. The phone is settled somewhere as Buck strips out of his turnouts, back down to his uniform from their last call. 

“What’s up, Eddie?” Buck asks. 

“Tommy has a twin?” He asks. 

Buck looks at Eddie like he’s grown a second head. “You knew that.” 

Eddie opens his mouth to respond, but he doesn’t actually have the words to make his point. He’d thought calling Buck would at least get someone on his side, but mostly he just feels out-of-pocket in this entire situation. 

Still, as he steps back over by Hen, she seems to realize that Eddie has him on the phone, and Rocker and Molly clock the phone as well. 

“Wait, so that’s the boyfriend,” Molly murmurs to Rocker. 

“Ex-boyfriend,” Tommy answers, sounding sad and just a little exasperated.

“And whose fault is that,” Evan comments out into the space between all of them. “Also, where is Tommy in all of this?” 

Eddie turns his phone towards Rocker’s until both men can see each other on their phones. 

“Wait. Tommy, why the fuck haven’t you fixed this yet,” Rocker asks, turning his own phone back toward himself. “I haven’t heard the end of of your plight in ages.” 

“Yeah,” Evan comments from Eddie’s phone. Eddie and Rocker both look toward the screen and Rocker reaches out, turning Eddie’s in his direction. “Why?” 

“Evan, shut up,” he comments. “You’re not doing yourself any favors.” 

“Don’t talk to him that way, Donavon Gregory,” Tommy comments from his end of the line. 

“Ay carumba,” Eddie mutters, rubbing his skull. 

Hen reaches out for both phones, turning them toward herself. “You’re both idiots, and if you don’t figure your shit out by dinner on Friday night, I’ll get this crew of police officers, firefighters, and paramedics that I know to lock you two into an elevator until you do.” 

“I can definitely help make that happen,” Rocker confirms to her. 

“Good god, please,” Eddie adds. “For the sake of us all.” 

“Hey!” Buck and Tommy both yell from the phones.

“Why don’t you hang up with us and call each other,” Rocker states. “If you know what’s good for yourselves, you won’t give me and Wilson time to plot this out.” 

“Damn straight, Rocker,” Hen replies, slapping his shoulder. 

“Orders up for Diaz and Rocker!” 

“That’s it,” Rocker comments. “You’re on notice.” He looks up at Hen as he ends the call on his phone. “Let’s get dinner soon. Without the children.” 

Hen chuckles, nodding. “For sure.” She taps her phone against his, sharing her contact card. “Give me and Karen a call. You guys can come meet the kids.” She looks back at Eddie, who is still rubbing his forehead. “Come on, Diaz. Time to get back to the firehouse.” 

content warnings: mention of prior domestic violence; canonical child neglect

Tommy stares across the island, heat flooded through him  as the edge of the counter digs into his palms roughly.

He should go. He knows he should. He knows standing here, continuing in this cycle is not going to achieve anything. But if there’s one thing he also knows more than anything else, it’s that the very same cycle is one he can’t seem to pull himself out of.