#skyee writes

When Void requested his Everything in the tranquil darkness of the unmoving waters of the Land of Shores and Solitude, Horuss understood what it wanted, what it desired of him. 

He’d been so much once. So much potential, so much pride, so, so very much but now…

What good was a tool without purpose?

Without a task to complete, to be used for?

Was a tool anything if it wasn’t being used for what it had been designed for?

Was a ship truly a ship if it found itself stranded upon desert sands, no ocean, not even the hint of salt on the harsh, sun-heated winds to tell of waters nearby? Was it something else? Or was it nothing? Left to abandonment without a use to be put to?

What was Horuss without Beforus?

Did he still have a use, a purpose, to be put to?

Or was he nothing more than the sum of everything he’d been told was expected of him, left adrift with no real persona of his own to direct his life, now that the groundwork his existence had been based on was no more?

Beforus had had such strick commands for him, such rigid guidelines of what he should be doing to be useful to society else he risked being deemed a burden and in need of culling, a reality he had never wanted to come to pass, but one he had found himself in regardless.

Here in the Game, stuck alone on the LoSaS without a way off that he or his server player could find, he was listless. What good was anything he’d been encouraged to learn here? The skills and knowledge set required of a proper Beforus Indigo Blood Troll meant nothing here.

Poetry. Archery. Art of all kinds. Mechanics and engineering.

None of them mattered on LoSaS.

He didn’t matter on LoSaS, left alone to his own unshifting solitude.

There were times, few and far between when he was shaken from Void’s quiet, creeping grasp by one of the others wanting something of him. 

Rufioh wanting his attention as a distraction from the other’s expectations of him.

Kankri wanting to engage with someone willing to listen and speak with him instead of at him.

Or any of the others wanting him to create something to help them in their own quests.

At first, they’d been welcome distractions; tasks and things he’d jumped at the chance to be able to focus on, but as time dragged and he lost sense of its passing, Horuss only grew tired.

Things that had once captured his attention completely were now little more than drains on his existence, demanding his attention until they were done and the others no longer had any reason to interact with him again, leaving him to his seclusion.

Void had sapped him of his enjoyment, taken his joy for projects and working on making things and figuring out how they should work, and left him hollow without anything to fill the emptiness that had been left in its wake.

His love for his work wasn’t the only thing Void had slowly stripped from him, though how much of Horuss’ current struggles with Rufioh was because of the game they found themselves in, and how much was simply their own individual situations was up for debate.

Their… relationship had been nothing but trouble since its start, perhaps Rufioh’s distance was the Bronze finally realizing that he could do so much better than the sour, grumpy Indigo that barely knew how to communicate with anyone and only had his abilities to offer. Perhaps Rufioh had realized that his grievances with Megido were… no. 

No. Horuss may have been a number of things once, but someone that doubted everything Rufioh had ever told him was not one of them.

Besides, there were still times, as sparse and infrequent that they felt here, that Rufioh would message him, wanting to talk, to spend some kind of time together even if they hadn’t quite figured out how to see each other face to face yet.

Not that Horuss would ever want Rufioh to come here.

The Land of Shores and Solitude may have seemed kind, but they had a neutral malice about them; thieving, stealing lands that they were.

Horuss was still flushed for Rufioh, no matter how dulled and distant the emotions felt at times, he didn’t want the Bronze to have all he was, all he would ever be, gnawed away by the very Void that lurked beneath the still, fathomless depths of the waters, didn’t want to expose him to the secrets that would try to escape the waters only to wash up upon the shoreline; soaked but eager to share the knowledge that had been hidden for so long.

Kankri had suggested the washed-up items might have something to do with Horuss’ quests, the thing that was supposed to drive his progress through the game and hopefully deliver him a way to rejoin the others.

A sound deduction, Horuss had said as such when the other Troll had first stated it, contenting himself on the noticeable lift it had on Kankri’s word before that too was dulled by greys of every hue and saturation. 

He had hesitated to interact with them all the same.

They were things that belonged wholly and completely to the Void, the aching Nothingness that this planet was built on. To approach them, to touch them, and try to learn from them almost felt like trying to know the Void itself, inviting it to take more of his focus, his thoughts, his mind from him, and Horuss…

Some had theorized that it was in one’s understanding and perception of the world around them that consciousness was realized and fostered, that ego and persona rose into being and creation, that individuals truly came to exist.

What would Horuss be if he allowed the Void to have residence in his perception of the world?

If all his thoughts and knowledge revolved around things unknowable and unchanging? In stagnation and deep endless gray?

Would he even exist at all?

If he allowed Void to creep into what little parts of him still remained?

Or would it be as simple as taking a step off of the shore, returning the things steeped and drenched in Void back to the deep, crushing depths of Nothingness pushing in on all sides?

Would Horuss still be himself if he took the plunge?

Or would he be Void and Null?

…

There was only one way to find out.

The Void hardly released any knowledge that entered its grasp.

Weren’t no bubbling rage at everyone and every motherfuckin thing that got to live all normal and happy like while they struggled to make amends for things half out of their control half-not done by the them of now half unknown and all motherfucked up to the highest degree that had Gamzee wanting to tear the skin off their very bones.

No, today was all ‘bout that wicked distance and fuzz around every single motherfucking thing and a despair that sunk so deep into their bones there weren’t no way they’d ever get out. Days like today had them curling up for hours buried in a pile of soft things collected from around their home while they waited for either the drive to get up to do something, anything, or for their pumper to finally give out and for themselves to carc it.

Wasn’t like it was actually gonna happen none but that hardly mattered when that deep, aching sadness came to make itself apparent in them. They just needed to rest, to sleep off the bad day and wait for whatever was wrong in their brain to snap back into working and…

And…

And they didn’t know when that would happen. Didn’t know if it would happen either.

Gamzee just had to hope.

Even though they were well aware that hoping didn’t do anything at all, wouldn’t help, wouldn’t make them feel better, wouldn’t do anything but make them thing that if they just held out a little bit longer then maybe—

…

Maybe… things could be ok again. They could be ok again.

They knew better though.

“Nothing?” Their mind healer sounds equal parts surprised and pleased by the answer, which was something Gamzee was pleased to hear, the old trollian ping that broke the silence of waves against the shoreline but more tangible and actually good for them. “That’s certainly an improvement over our last appointment, I’m happy to hear that.”

“Yeah,” it really had been a better time since the last time they’d sat in the chair across from their mind healer; their work had been good since the last visit, they hadn’t had any run-ins with anyone they didn’t want to see, even the sad loneliness that usually sat heavy and ever-present in the hollow of their chest.

It had been a genuinely fine passage of time.

“Yeah I… it’s been real good, got an uh… gots me a few more things they’re all up and lettin’ me to be doin’ for work, some of the other work guys asked a motherfu… asked me ta hang out with ‘em later in the week comin’ and…” they paused, unsure if they really wanted to say the words that had come to mind. They’re gestured on gently from their mind healer though and they take a steadying breath before continuing on. “Saw Sollux few days back, didn’t talk at them and I ain’t thinkin’ they noticed me but… it was good ta see them, even iffin I didn’t feel the need ta get my chat on at them.”

“And has your medication been working alright? Side Effects? Anything out of the ordinary?”

Gamzee felt tension leak from their shoulders at the bypass of the small piece of information they’d been worrying over since they’d seen their former ‘friend’ on the street. It their mind healer didn’t think too much on it then there was nothing for Gamzee themselves to stress over.

“Nah ain’t no odd things ta be sayin’,” Gamzee hummed, thinking over the past few weeks since their last appointment and dosage change. “Least no thing ya was up and warnin’ me ‘bout, think we mighta got things good for now, yeah?”

“Wonderful, I’m glad to hear that,” Gamzee still wasn’t able to believe just how genuine their mind healer sounded to their ears, it was still a new thing after their prior experiences. “I’m looking forward to hearing how things go with your co-workers next time we meet. It’s been a while since you went on a social outing, do you remember your techniques?”

“For stayin’ chill?” The question’s an unnecessary one, both Gamzee and their mind healer were aware of that but still they’re answered with a nod all the same. A sharp-tipped claw rises to ruffle wild curls and they continue. “Yeah… yeah I be rememberin’ ‘em all like I’m supposed to. Doubt anything too awful’s gonna happen, hopin’ it’ll all be good.”

Gamzee doesn’t use the ‘hope’ word too often, it reminded them too much of a game they’d never really wanted to play and someone they’d stopped talking to make things easier for the both of them.

But they’d been learning, amongst tips and ways to make things easier and more manageable for the rotted mess that was their mind post-sopor-addiction, that it was ok to hope sometimes, to wish and believe that things could be fine, could be good, as long as they also helped things along where they could. Long gone were the days of Gamzee just hoping that things would get better, that they’d be less lonely if they only held out and kept the belief in their heart that it would, now they were starting to take an active step in their own life and…

And things were unlikely to be really good for a long time coming, after everything they’d done and the bridges they’d burnt to cinders without thought in the midst of their worse days it was doubtful hey would ever get there. But little by little, day by day…

Gamzee felt they were growing more ok with being themselves, sins, stains, rot and all.

Tavros has been struggling with his confidence and how difficult it was to stand up for himself and the things he wanted in life, on top of needing to change his entire outlook on life with the removal of his certain death from his future. 

While Gamzee had been in and out of rehab, relapsing and relapsing until they were able to get themselves together and free of addiction for a year running now. Add onto that the issues that came with trying to sober up and they just hadn’t been ready for a relationship. 

Neither of them had been. 

So a month or two after they started they called it off, mutually agreeing they needed to look after themselves first. 

That hadn’t stopped them from being friends though, Gamzee doubted anything would stop Tavros from being their best friend. 

Which was why they were both able to bring up the idea of trying to date again, after they’d both gotten to where they wanted to be in life, and shake their heads. 

They were better as friends, that’s all there was to it. And that didn’t mean they didn’t care about each other it was just they both wanted different things now and they weren’t compatible flushed wise. 

Not to mention Tavros had himself a fine piece of flushed partner in one Jake English, a fact Gamzee never failed to tease him about when he saw the human on his silly little show, talking about the adventures he’d had with Aradia and Tavros. 

Tavros would always grin, head ducking in an old habit to hide his bronze-dusted cheeks and run his hand over the shaved hair at the back of his skull. 

Gamzee was glad to see it; Tavros was their best friend and deserved someone who loved him as much as Jake did, deserved someone that would believe in him and would pay proper attention to his interests and the like. He deserved it. 

“Are you still working at the bakery?” Gamzee blinked, realising they must have zoned out and shook their head slightly before answering. 

“Yeah, yeah still workin’.” They hummed, wrapping their hands around the warmth of their mug. They liked tea, not so much to drink it but to let the warmth of it radiate in their hands, the smell was also nice most of the time. “Got a promotion to being head decorator with is pretty motherfuckin’ cool. I get to be doing most of the cakes now.”

“That’s great!” Tavros grinned and Gamzee returned it, doing their best to keep it up when Tavros asked his next question. “What about your quad-life? Any changes there?”

They mustn’t have tried hard enough because Tavros’ expression dropped soon after he finished speaking. 

“I’m sorry, if you don’t—“

“Nah, you’re all kinds a good bro.” Gamzee promised waving their hand before setting it on the table so they could prompt their chin on it, looking out at the world passing. “S’just the same as it was last time. Got some casual date mates but neither of ‘em real wanna be attached like that.”

He doesn’t see Tavros’ brow furrows but he knows it’s happening. 

“Isn’t—?”

“That’s different,” Gamzee said before Tavros could fully voice his skepticism that mirrored Gamzee’s own. “‘Sides, ain’t like I real mind yeah? I ain’t gonna be askin’ for things motherfuckers ain’t ready for.”

“But you can ask for things you want.” Tavros said, sounding too sure for Gamzee to do anything but shrug at.

“S’fine.”

It sounds weak to their own ears but thankfully Tavros doesn’t comment on it and instead starts to talk about the latest venture he, Jake and Aradia has just come back from. 

Gamzee listened as well as they could, forcing themselves to hear their best friend talking about trips to far-off dangerous places instead of focusing on the fact that their date mates were both more than happy to have defined quadrants with other trolls, just not with him. 

It was fine though. 

They didn’t mind. 

They knew better than to expect anything else. Knew better than to ask for anything else. 

It takes them a while, more than a while, to drift back into each other’s spheres of existence.

They’d both been doing different things with their lives; becoming trolls that they could be happy with without the attachment of flushed or pitched quadrants. That didn’t mean that they didn’t date though, Gamzee knew that he’d dated a number of individuals, troll and human alike, just to get the taste of what he’d wanted in a partner down, to learn to enjoy sharing himself without someone that wanted to know him for however long they lasted.

And he knew from the grapevine that Tavros had been doing the same.

There’s nothing really special that draws them back towards each other in the matter of quadrants.

Karkat had been convinced into throwing a party by his boyfriend Dave and Dave’s girlfriend Jade for some event or another and they’d all been invited, Gamzee had spent most of the night making small talk with those that weren’t outwardly hostile towards him and avoiding near everyone else. All and all it’d been a fun night.

He didn’t know who approached who first, if either of them had or if they’d just gravitated together like magnets that recognized the other’s charge as opposing to their own.

That hardly mattered in the end though, not when Tavros was standing in front of him, looking like he’d finally grown into the proud, imposing length of his horns, not to mention into the size of them, towering over Gamzee in both height and the breadth of his shoulders, a feat only one other troll had a claim to.

“Yo,” Gamzee decided to be the first to speak, ending their silent inspection of each other; instinct to check out the competition left over from their days on Alternia he was sure.

“Hey,” there wasn’t even a beat of hesitation to the answer, to Tavros’ willingness to talk to him. It reminded Gamzee keenly of their younger sweeps, back when they’d both been innocent and largely unmarred by the world around them. It was nice in the way that old memories were once they stopped hurting you. “I didn’t know you uh, you were drinking.”

“I’m not,” Gamzee couldn’t help but snort, remembering the support meetings and life coaching sessions he still attended on a regular basis to stop himself from sliding back into the addiction that had been ingrained in his very image of himself since before he could remember. “S’apple juice. Strider specialty.”

“Oh, that uh, that explains it.” Tavros looked a little flustered at that, a soft bloom of bronze on his cheeks, but easily laughed off as conversation continued. “What have you been doing since we uh, since we last…”

“Since we was speakin last?” The offered words were taken with a small self-conscious smile, acknowledged without needing to be said as such. “Been good, workin’, makin a routine for myself and bein all productive like ya’know?”

“Yeah I uh, heard from Equius that you opened your own place?”

A painted brow rose. “You two been talkin ‘bout me, have ya? S’a weird topic a pillowtalk.”

“What?!” That has him, colour spreading deep and bright over Tavros’ nose and the top of his cheeks, the spread of it to his ears obvious with the way the other troll cut his hair. “N-no! No not like that at all! I, I mean—”

“Chill bro, s’all good,” he chuckled, Tavros deflating from his flurry of justification and explaining with a sigh. “I ain’t real carin how and what other motherfuckers say ‘bout me, s’all cool.”

They lapse into quiet, Tavros focusing down on the glass of something definitely alcoholic in his own hand while Gamzee turned his head to inspect one of the nearby food platters, debating if he was hungry enough to try one of the oddly coloured creations.

“It wasn’t that though,” Tavros broke the quiet as Gamzee decided to just go for it, a piece of cracker with something on it in his claw.

“Hmm?”

“It wasn’t uh, wasn’t pillowtalk. He and I were just catching up the other day and he uh… told me about when he ran into you.”

“He does that a lot,” Gamzee hummed, playing at being more focused on what was in his hand than the troll in front of him. “Ya think for a troll that big he’d been more cautious a where he’s going but nah. Trolls fallin all over under his motherfuckin hooves, yeah?”

“He said you were seeing someone.”

“I’m always seeing some motherfucker,” he pointed one, returning his gaze to Tavros as he tilted his head just so the pretty pale pink diamond stud in his ear could be seen, the violet gem inlaid in it glinting in the light of the room. “Believe you me everyone else is gonna know when Eribro’s tired a me ‘fore I do.”

“No,” the word was accompanied by a rough shake of Tavros’ head, brow furrowing deep. There’s frustration in his voice now, not too uncommon an occurrence for anyone talking with Gamzee for more than a few minutes. “You know for someone that doesn’t like being lied to you sure do a lot of it.”

“You’re the motherfucker beatin’ ‘round the bush like it all up and kicked ya lusus,” Gamzee shot back, surprising Tavros enough for his face to go slack with it. “Iffin ya wanna ask me ‘bout the motherfuckers I was seein, quad or nah, just come out and motherfuckin say it. We’re bein adults now, yeah?”

A pause. A beat. Gamzee’s ready to call this experiment a failure when Tavros spoke up again.

“…Are you seeing anyone now? Flushed-wise I mean?”

“Solbro and I vacillate on an’ off but ain’t got nobody permanent in there nah..”

Tavros nods and Gamzee goes back to inspecting the morsel in his claws, stepping forward into the other troll’s face as he opens his mouth to speak again, lifting it until it was resting just before the other’s mouth, claws near brushing warm lips as they parted.

“Try this for me?” Gamzee offered, cocking his head and staring up at Tavros, watching and waiting to see exactly what the bronze would do with the offering.

Tavros reacted exactly as he should have, colour on his cheeks as he leaned forward ever so slightly to take the piece of food into his mouth between his teeth, lips brushing over Gamzee’s fingers as he took the bite.

“How’s it tastin?” Gamzee asked after watching Tavros chew the morsel he’d bitten off, blinking as the other troll nodded down at him.

“It’s uh… it’s good.” He said, all the answer Gamzee needed, humming and popping the rest of the piece into his mouth, more than aware of Tavros staring at him in return.

“It is,” he agreed, dragging his tongue purposefully over his own claws, fully aware of Tavros watching him. “Mayhaps ya should try some more for me yeah? There’s supposed ta be some new restaurant openin near my hive, ya should come and try it out with me yeah?”

“… Ye… yeah!” Tavros nodded, wide smile back on his face, bronze spreading across his cheeks. “Yeah I’d uh… I’d really like that.”

Gamzee wasn’t quite sure what to do about the little thing that had wandered into his lake, chased in by something much bigger than he was with much, much larger teeth. But whatever it was had much more awareness than the little thing did, catching one glimpse of Gamzee’s brilliant purple scales and immediately turning and leaving.

Which was more than fine with Gamzee. He could handle the little thing shaking in terror a few feet from the water’s edge.

He moved over quickly, claws and tail easily carrying him across the length of the lake until he was within touching distance of the little thing, or not so little thing now that he was closer to him and could make out more about him.

He was certainly a tall motherfucker that was to be sure, maybe if he could get him into the water with him Gamzee’d be able to see if the stranger was taller than he was long but he doubted that would happen. The stranger’s teeth and horns, though certainly impressive, were blunt and he’d know better than to let himself into the water with something like Gamzee.

No matter though, it was time to introduce himself to this towering individual.

“Yo,” Gamzee greeted, allowing just his head to be visible out of the water, grinning with rows of sharp teeth when the stranger jumped, hooved feet kicking up dirt as he turned to face where Gamzee’s voice had come from. Gamzee decided to use that moment to sweep his water-soaked hair out of his face, sharp webbed claws clearly on display along with the shimmering scales running along his skin. “Whatcha doing this close to the water? Ain’t ya ever been taught ta stay away from things that’d take ya under?”

“Wh-what are you?” Gamzee cocked his head at the question, half-finned ear fluttering alongside the motion. “A-are you a siren?”

“What?” Gamzee snorted, arms rising to dig his claws into his sides as he cackled, amused with the question. “Ain’t no pretty motherfuckers like that here, they know betta than ta get themselves stuck in a lake anyhow.”

The stranger was flushed in the face, kicking at the ground beneath him with his hooves, ears flatten downwards as his teeth bit into his bottom lip. “Then… wh-what are you then?”

“Don’t right be motherfuckin knowin,” Gamzee shrugged, letting his tail rise in front of him until the fin at the end breeched the water, shimmering with scales in every shade of purple. “Go by Gamzee though. What ‘bout you?”

“T-Tavros.”

“Well Tavros,” Gamzee cocked his head at the stranger now known as Tavros. “What was making that spider gal so angry she wanted ta tear ya throat out?”

“I don’t… don’t really know…”

Gamzee blinked at the answer, made a small clicking noise in the back of his throat. “Well don’t that motherfuckin suck.”

“Ye-yeah. Yeah it uh, it does.”

“Well, ya can stay if ya be wantin to?” Gamzee offered, stretching his arms over his head and nearly submerging himself backwards again. “Ain’t getting company much, yeah?”

“If you’re uh… you’re sure you’re not going to eat me?”

“… nah,” Gamzee shook his head, fin lifting and falling in a lazy motion. “Ya look like ya covered in fur dude, take ages ta pick that apart, even if I did leave ya in the water awhile.”

“That’s uh… not very reassuring actually…”

“Don’t ya worry bro,” Gamzee waved the concern off, content to float in the calm still waters of the lake for a while. “I ate like… few days ago? Ain’t gonna be eating again for another week at least.”

“Oh.”

“Motherfuckin ‘oh’ is right.” Gamzee chuckled, stretching out in the water and yawning widely, jaw unhinging with the motion. “Stay s’long as ya want. Ain’t nobody bein botherin ya here.”

“… thank you I guess?”

~

Skin washed? Check.

Hair brushed and tied out of his face? Check.

Clothes that didn’t smell like they’d been sitting in the back of his wardrobe for longer than he’d owned the thing? Mother Fucking Check and Mate.

Too late to decide that Tavros shouldn’t be wasting his time on him and back out? Hell yeah it motherfucking was.

He was all ready to motherfuckin go!

“If you do neigh get your hand away from your mouth I will be horsed to restrict it.”

Gamzee’s ear twitched and his hand dropped immediately at Horuss’ idle threat, distracted and unfocused as it was he was aware the indigo would hold him to it. Even if he were about to go out with his long-time flushed crush for what was definitely the first. less definitely the last, time.

Motherfucking rude palemate he had, yeah?

“How much—”

“He is not due for aneighter ten minutes, now sit down before you hoof a panic attack.”

“Yeah, that sounds all kinds a good.”

Gamzee doesn’t bother with the lounging platform and instead seems to simply fold into himself where he stood, ending on the floor with his legs tucked and folded under him where they wouldn’t be a bother. At least they were for all of a second before he was shifting, nervously fidgeting with himself.

“Ya think he’ll—”

“Of horse he will.”

“But I don’t be—”

“I sincerely doubt this Nitram would lead you on like that for any reason.”

“Yeah but—”

“Neigh ‘buts’ you are being silly.”

“… you and your neigh butts are silly.”

“That does neigh even make sense.”

“Shut up.”

Gamzee was saved from whatever Horuss had been about to shoot back at him by the ringing of his hive’s doorbell, stilling them both as they stared at the door in question.

“You should probably answer that before he leaves.”

That has Gamzee scrambling to his feet, nearly tripping over himself as his feet suddenly felt far too big for his body. He stopped in front of the door, taking a moment to steady and firm himself before he opened the door, grinning wide at the troll standing there across his doorstep. “Hey bro.”

“Hey,” Tavros’ smile was smaller, less firm but still there and cuter than a motherfuckin button. “Are you uh… you ready to go?”

“Yeah! Yeah just give a motherfucker a moment, yeah?” Gamzee doesn’t bother to wait for Tavros’ response before he ducked back into his hive, calling out to the troll using his common, communal space as a workshop. “Ya can stay if ya want, be back later, yeah?”

“Remember to take your keys with you.”

“… motherfuck.”

Thankfully his keys are sitting exactly where they’re supposed to be within the bowl near the door, things in their proper place just like his coach recommended for him. With the items in hand he’s able to re-join Tavros at the doorway, offering the bronze another smile.

“Ya ready ta go then?”

“Uh! Yes!” There might have been a bit of colour upon Tavros’ cheek but Gamzee knew better than to let his head trick him into seeing things. “Let’s uh… let’s go. I’ve got everything set up.”

“What’re we doing?” Gamzee asked as he stepped out of his hive, closing and locking his door behind him, fine with leaving his Indigo palemate alone in his hive until he returned. “Iffin ya don’t mind me askin.”

“Oh I’ve uh… I was thinkin… there’s an uh,” Tavros was nervous as he ever was but Gamzee was more than fine with waiting for the other troll to get his thoughts out on his own. “A movie? In the park and I was uh… was thinkin that could be cool? If you don’t uh, don’t like it then we could do something else no, it’s fine.”