The Weight of Wanting
xx Via
Remus didnāt particularly love Hogsmeade weekends during the winter months. The snow and the cold always made him reluctant to leave the warmth of the Common Room and the comfort of his book. It was Lily who had convinced him to go. She knew he had a weakness for chocolate and promised him a bar of Honeydukeās best if he joined the group. He wasnāt thrilled. Besides, Sirius was going on a date with Marlene. Their first real date. It had been just three days ago that Sirius had crawled into Remusā bed to tell him he had asked the girl to be his girlfriend after a common room party. He wasnāt sure why, but he had snapped at his friend, irritated by the subject for unknown reasons. Remus didnāt know why the idea bugged him so much ā Sirius could date whoever he pleased.Ā
āWhat should I wear?ā Sirius asked aloud to the dorm.Ā
James rolled his eyes. āJust wear that bloody leather jacket of yours. All the girls seem to love it.ā
Peter huffed. āI ought to get one of those. Maybe then Emmeline will go out with me.ā
āGood thinking, Pete,ā James clapped him on the shoulder.
Sirius sighed in annoyance. āYou guys are really no help at all, you know that.ā
āI donāt even know why you care so much,ā Remus interjected in a bitter tone before he could stop himself. āItās too cold to go out without a winter coat, so no oneās even going to see what youāre wearing.ā
Remus almost regretted talking to Sirius that way after seeing the boyās slightly hurt expression. But he felt remorse for only a moment before Sirius shot back a reply.
āYouāre just jealous,ā the smug bastard accused.
āWhat?!ā Remus asked incredulously.
āYeah, youāre just jealous that I have a girl to date and you donāt.ā
Remus rolled his eyes. āForget who youāre talking to? Iām not James. I couldnāt care less about having a date.ā
Peter let out a nervous squeak, no doubt uncomfortable by his friend's seemingly confrontational interaction.
āIād be offended if it wasnāt true,ā James acknowledged as he stood from his bed. āCome on, lads. Iām sure the girls are waiting for us. Remus, Pete, go ahead,ā he turned to Sirius. āFind your gloves, Padfoot; Moony was right, itās bloody freezing.ā
Remus had gotten used to the fact that James and Sirius were best friends above all else. However, it still irritated him when James seemed to politely shove him and Peter out of the room to have a private conversation with Sirius as if they werenāt all close. How come James thought he was the only one who could console Sirius?
Despite having many words to say to his bespectacled friend, Remus grabbed his winter apparel and walked out with Peter. When they got down to the Common Room, the girls were already there just as James had predicted.
Lily looked over when she heard their footsteps approaching. āOh, there you are. Where are the other two?ā
āSirius is having an outfit dilemma,ā Remus replied as he wrapped his red and gold scarf around his neck. āYou owe me so much chocolate.ā
Lily laughed, āAnything for you, Remus.ā
Remus could hear Marlene giggling with Mary over Sirius being nervous for their date, and he wanted to rip his ears from his head. They hadnāt even left Gryffindor Tower yet, and Remus was already done with this whole affair. Besides, the moon was barely a week away, which never helped his mood.
Finally, after what felt like ages of mindless conversation, the two raven-haired boysā presence was announced by James Potterās loud voice. āAlright, Evans? Youāre looking gorgeous on this fine morning. I am truly blessed by the sight of you.ā
āToo bad I canāt say the same to you, Potter,ā Lily quipped. āCareful, or Iāll hex your bollocks off.ā
āFiesty today, Evans?ā James smirked as he ran a hand through his hair.Ā
āLovely,ā Dorcas deadpanned. āOn that note, letās go. Iām dying to get to The Three Broomsticks.ā
As the group walked the path to the small magic village, the cold nipped at Remusā face. The snow from last week crunched under his feet while he walked next to James behind Sirius and Marlene, but in front of Peter and the other girls. James was going on about something Quidditch-related, but Remus was too distracted. How could he be expected to focus on anything but Sirius and Marleneās linked hands swinging right in front of him?
It felt like Sirius was trying to flaunt it in all of their faces. The two of them had only been āgoing outā for barely three days. What did Marlene have to offer Sirius anyway? Sure, Remus liked her as much as the other girls. She was smart and nice, but had a rebellious streak to match Sirius. She was objectively pretty, he guessed, with her bleached blonde hair down her mid-back and light brown eyes to balance it. But she and Sirius were too much alike. They were always butting heads. Both hotheadded and stubborn ā too confident for their own good. Sirius needed someone to complement him. A voice of reason. Someone who knew how to deal with his broody moods and recklessness. Someone who knew what to say when his family was getting to him. Marlene didnāt know Sirius like Remus did. Sirius needed someone like āĀ someone likeā
Remus watched as Sirius threw his head back and laughed at something Marlene had said. His hand was on the small of her back. He leaned in and placed a smiling kiss on her cheek.
Remus stopped dead in his tracks.
Oh.
Oh.
Shit.
Someone like me.
āRemus, are you alright?ā Lily asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. He had stopped right in front of her, and James turned to look at him from a few paces ahead.Ā
āYeah,ā Remus cleared his throat, and he was sure his face was beginning to redden. He hoped his friends thought it was from the cold. āYeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?ā
āOkay,ā Lily dragged out the word. āAre you sure?ā
āYeah, Lily,ā Remus caught James' suspicious gaze. āI'm good.ā
āAlright then.ā She joined back up with the rest of the group as they walked the last stretch of the path. But Remus felt James' eyes on him still.
The rest of the Hogsmeade visit was an agonizing affair. Remus watched Sirius and Marlene disdainfully, and when he wasnāt glaring, his eyes found their way to his lap, thinking about how he could have possibly allowed himself to get into this situation. And of course, there was the piercing feeling of Jamesā eyes on him. That boy really needed to get a life. Remus knew that there would be a conversation with his not-so-covert friend in the not-too-distant future.Ā
Remus had never been more glad when Lily and Dorcas suggested heading back to the castle. He had wanted to leave for hours, but couldnāt come up with a good enough excuse. He was finally starting to calm himself down and was ready to have a nice cup of tea in the common room, his book at the ready to escape this hellish reality. Unfortunately for Remus, he had to watch as Sirius and Marlene fumbled with excuses to stay longer, even though everyone else knew they were just going to find a quiet corner to snog in.Ā Fuck this. Fuck this day.
Remus was silent the whole walk back to the castle, barely noticing the freezing wind blowing at his scarf. As soon as they made it to Gryffindor Tower, he went straight up to his dorm, alone at last.Ā Finally.
Remus began to take off his hat and gloves, placing them back in his trunk. All he needed was a moment to reorganize his thoughts. This could be much, much worse.Ā
Actually, it couldnāt. He was in love with his best friend. His best friend who was a boy. He was in love with his best friend, who was a boy, and he probably had been for years. And he didnāt know what to do.
You couldnāt pick a struggle,Ā Remus scowled to himself.Ā Bad enough to be a werewolf. You had to be a gay werewolf in love with your best friend.
Of course, his solitude couldnāt last forever, because naturally, James had decided he needed to be involved.Ā
āSo,ā James said as he closed the door behind him, quickly casting a silencing charm. āYou need to tell me something?ā
Remus flashed his eyes at his friend, a slightly unsettling yellow that seemed to appear closer to the full moon. āWhat are you talking about?ā
āOh, cut the shit, Remus.ā James crossed the room so he was next to Remus. āI know something is wrong.ā
āEverything is fine,ā Remus busied himself with pretending to fix the covers on his bed.Ā
āUh huh, sure. So you werenāt glaring at Sirius and Marlene all afternoon?ā James prodded. āAnd you werenāt ignoring the conversations, or staring into your lap, or making that face you make whenever weāre annoying you.ā
āLeave it, James,ā Remus scowled.
āYep, thatās the one,ā James frowned. āIs it Marlene? I know that youāre really only close with Lily, but they are all still our friends. Marleneās nice and Sirius likes her āā
āI know that,ā Remus snapped.
āWell then, whatās the issue?ā James looked perplexed. āAre you jealous of Sirius? I know itās hard sometimes to see other people in relationships, believe me, I know, but you canāt take it out on them. Theyāre our friends. Youāll get your turn eventually, there's no point in being jealous of himāā
āDonāt you get it, James?!ā Remus was shouting as he turned to face James sharply. āIām not jealous of Sirius. I donāt want a girlfriend.ā
James looked a little frightened by Remusā anger and took a step back. āThen what is it?ā
Remus had definitely said too much. He hadnāt meant for it to come out like that. He didnāt want James to know yet. He didnāt want anyone to know. His breaths were heavy, and he felt his heart rate quicken. āDonāt you know when to leave well enough alone, James?ā
Tears were threatening to fall from Remusā eyes. Everything felt so wrong, so heavy. Like it was all caving in around him, he sank to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest. James was there in an instant, crouched beside him with a hand on his shoulder.
āRemus,ā James said in a comforting tone. āItās okay, itās okay.ā
āNo, itās not,ā Remus barely breathed out.Ā
āPlease, Remus, tell me whatās wrong.ā
Remus closed his eyes and shook his head. āYouāll hate me.ā
āWell, I doubt that.ā James sat all the way down beside him. āYouāve trusted me with one secret; trust me with this.ā
Remus swallowed. He took a deep, shaky breath. āIām not jealous of Sirius. Itās someone else.ā
James nodded. āOkayā¦if itās not Sirius, then who?ā
āJames,ā Remus croaked. He didnāt know if he could say it.
āRemus?ā
He took another breath. āItās Marlene.ā
James looked at Remus confusedly. āMarlene? What do you mean?ā
Remus gave James a pained look. āConnect the dots, James.ā
There was silence for a moment before it seemed to click in his friend's brain. āOh.ā
āYeah,ā was all Remus could say, and he felt Jamesā arm wrap around his shoulders, pulling him close.










