Today I had to continue school online, as me and my 4 kids tested positive on our rapid tests. Still waiting for results. But not really the point to this post.
T tested me again today. And right now, in this moment, sitting in the quiet, I'm defeated. I'm ugly crying, all in my feels, feeling like the worst mom ever. Idk what I'm doing so wrong with herrrrrrrr.
I was online, sitting in on my classes. Cooked lunch, then asked her to do the dishes. "After I'm done eating she says." K fine. 4 o'clock rolls by, still not done. I'm sitting here, trying not to lose my shit (cuz I can feel myself getting upset). And she finally starts. Then gets upset cuz "they won't go right" into the sink when setting them after rinsing. So dumb. "I'm not doing them." "OK, so you don't get your phone." (I got her one for xmas). "Why, that isn't fair." *heart rate getting higher, but I breathe and let it go*. I patiently wait for her to choose the easy way and finish. She did not. She comes to the couch and grabs her phone and I say to give it to me, cuz she's not getting it until she's done. "But it's mine" 😒 I say, "No, that's not how it goes." She hid it in her sweater when I got up to go get it. I proceed to dig for it, while she's laughing, and suddenly turned when she realized I was about to get it out, and yelled at me to "quit digging in my shirt, you perv!" The audacity. I wanted to slap her lol. But I took it and she starts hysterically cry. Whatever. You can be a toddler (she's 11 and a half for a reminder). I'm standing by her, cuz it's by the basement door, and I wasn't going to let her go down there to take it out on her siblings, who were cleaning a huge mess from earlier.
I'm standing there, letting her cry. Tell her to go up to her room, "No, make me." I ignore her and stand there. Recorded her for a whole minute with her phone so she can see later at how she looks. Idk, whatever. She started to grab shit of the shelf and throw them. My pictures went all over the kitchen. I grabbed her and almost dragged her upstairs, but just left her crying on the floor. ... for a fucking hour. I just proceed to cook, and pile up the shit she threw around. And ignore her.
The shittiest part that got me was Alex walked in. He was coming to give our boy his switch. He came in, "What's going on?" I didn't answer, looked at each other, I shook my head, and he said, "looks fun." "Yup." Then gives him his game, and says bye. This probably doesn't sound like a huge deal, but to me? It made me feel some type of cheap defeat. Cuz I didn't want him to know things were still the same from when we left his house. (This hardly happens, but she still seems to have these flip outs) but I didn't want him to know that. I wanted him to think that everything got better when we left his house. Idk why. To prove a point? To prove I left for good reasons? That's I didn't need him? That he was the problem? I don't fucken know. But that was just the worst feeling.
Anyways she finally shuts up and falls asleep on the floor. We were finishing eating when she got up. And woke up, like nothing just fucken went down, and fooling around with her siblings and just being hyper. Usually I don't give a shit that kids are kids at the table, but hf I was in a mood. I tell them to stop, yell at them to finish eating and to go finish their cleaning. I didn't like I was yelling. But I left T and my son at the table and went to my room and just cried. Ugly cried.
I think since then, I just miss someone to cry to. I feel alone. I feel like I'm not doing this right, and it hurts. I'm so mad at her, and I hate when I feel that way cuz I feel like I don't like her. I hate myself right now. And I've taught them to not talk about anything by example, so this is just gonna be swept away ad she's going to carry on like fuck all happened today. And I know I'm still going to be bitchy about it 2morrow. But that was my doing, because it is what I do. And I hate that. I know I'm supposed to talk about it, but when I'm that upset, I don't want to. I'm supposed to be the parent, and right now, I just don't want to. Horrible.
I hate this. But I had to rant, as well as cry some more.
I just wish I had someone to lean on. For support and maybe a little help. This just wasn't it today. But I'm drained. School at 9am from my laptop. Didn't even read for those classes tonight cuz I just can't even lol. Fml. But gn. And pray for me.
