#silly fear

For example, let's take breakfast: I can go on and about with my day after eating 3 cookies and drinking a big glass of water, but let's say that it's peak season for strawberries, watermelons or tangerines... then it's another story.

My dad will leave really early to go to a market for the best produces and he comes back before I even wake up and as soon as I seat down at our table he would put said fruits in front of me and I turn into a monster... 1kg of strawberries, and then my dad will go,"I actually bought 3 but only brought you 1 bc I know you would be able to eat all 3kg." And then when it's time for watermelon, he'll buy those big ones, and I'll eat half bc that's what he brings me but he isn't concerned bc watermelon are mostly water so it's not "so bad to eat 3,5kg" and tangerines... my beloved tangerines, he will just peel me 10 at a time, and he always buys four 2,5kg boxes, and it doesn't last me a month.

My silly concern in life is not having enough money to be able to afford that lifestyle, actually. Like my laptop is 12yo, my phone 5yo, I thrift all my clothes bc we don't have that much money to begin with but good foods... not being able to afford the best quality of my favorite foods is one of those fears I have that i understand others find silly but not being able to grate quality Parmigiano in my pasta, not being able to feast on fruits or farm sourced eggs and meats, it's really something that I always have at the back of my head when I'm eating those foods like "will this be the last time we can afford you?"

"I have this very silly fear, that one day i’ll be old without ever having really been young" Imagine having this thought every second and every hour of your life. You know you are supposed to enjoy life, every minute of it and not worrying about the end of things yet the only thing you do is that, thinking about how life is going to turn out for you instead of enjoying the ride. I’m sure one day i’ll be old, i have no idea how i’m going to be or where. There’s a part of my brain that doesn’t let me see beyond my years, i can’t see myself as a grown person or as an old lady. I visualize everything, and plan everything ahead of time, i’m a creator and an architect of things and days that haven’t happened and yet i can’t seem to be able to do one of the most simple things humans do: visualize yourself in years, i jus’t cant. Maybe is because since i have memory my thoughts has always been the same and maybe they will continue like that when i’m 50 . I don’t really mind that. As long as i do things. I want and need to do things. I would hate to depend on chemicals to get things done, i would just want to wake up one day wanting to do things and actually do them. I desire that. Self portraits taken yesterday or today from 1 am to 6 am.