#shidduchim

My goyische ex-boyfriend was my first and only romantic relationship.

I was happy being single before I met him. I wanted marriage and children one day but knew what I wanted in a partner. I wanted someone who was compatible with me (with some wiggle room ofc) in the following areas: trust/commitment (ie marriage), conflict management, work and finances, children and family, fun and adventure, intimacy, religion and goals/dreams. Physical appearance and age, within reason, did not matter much to me.

I knew that none of that was possible until I completed my conversion and that’s why I was comfortable in my singlehood.

My ex and I ended because we were not compatible in enough of those areas, especially religion, to work out long-term and be happy.

The older I get though, the more afraid I become.

I won’t meet a compatible partner if I don’t complete my conversion. A partner that practices Halachic Judaism is a non-negotiable. I can’t meet that partner if I’m not Halachically Jewish myself.

But I of course do intend to complete my conversion. The issue is how long that takes. By the time I finish, go through shidduchim and, G-d willing, find my bershet, will I be “too old” for children? Unfortunately I do have “a biological clock”. Even with the wonders of modern technology and medicine, my personal preference is to not have children beyond a certain age.

I know at 26 I’m still young and many would argue I have ample time, but I think many people underestimate how long conversion could take.

Honestly, I think now that I’ve been in a relationship, I know the feeling of companionship and I do feel like I’m missing out.

Tonight is Tu B'Av, the full moon of the Hebrew month of Av, which the Talmud calls one of the two most joyful days of the year. It's known as an auspicious time for weddings and #shidduchim, so this #TubAv may you all be blessed to find your true love.

Some of political opinions fall on the conservative side of the spectrum and some fall on the liberal side of the spectrum. However, most of the the men I’m being set up with fall on the conservative side. Some are what I would refer to as right wingers. They are pro-Trump, anti-mask mandates, anti-vax (the anti-vax person is in the medical field), etc. (I know some of these things are less about politics and more about public health/safety.)

Is there any way to weed these individuals out from my dating pool?

I didn’t need to go through a detailed checklist to make sure we were on the same page for every single possible view or anything like that, but I did want to feel like we were somewhere in the same headspace. My parents had similar political views when they got married, but my father has become more and more staunchly conservative by the year starting roughly when I was in maybe middle/early high school, while my mother has remained fairly liberal as before. It has been a big strain on their marriage at times and I would never intentionally put myself in a situation like that from the get-go.

All of those things would've been dealbreakers for me (albeit the covid-specific aspects didn't exist when I was dating, from 2014-2018), but I never put anything in my shidduch resume intentionally targeting political views and also don't really ever remember being set up with people whose views were an issue in that regard (or at least, if I did get set up with such people, other things made the match not work out before politics came to light). I just looked back at my resume to see if there was anything in there that might have filtered out Trumpers, etc. unwittingly, but really the only thing I can see maybe potentially doing that in some way was a line about wanting the person I was looking for to feel comfortable interacting with people different from him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That said, you ARE having this issue, so there's probably something to try to address it at least somewhat.

A few ideas:

You can totally just state it blatantly in your shidduch resume if you want to. That's a great way to allow matches to self-filter, and I did do that with certain other issues. I probably would have done it with politics had I been having issues with the people I was getting set up with in that regard. You could either go the route of explaining what you don't want in a match's political views, or the route of mentioning what your own views are (the former is probably a somewhat stronger filter but the latter probably comes across less harshly; depends on what you want to do).

Make sure that even if it's not written in your resume, the shadchanim, friends, family, etc. who tend to set you up are aware of your preferences in this regard.

Ah, so this is a very different and more neutrally-positively oriented question than what you originally sent!

I wouldn’t say it’s about either of the things that you postulated. It’s that dating is much more private and much shorter in the shidduch world (note: there are some Modern Orthodox Jews who date longer and more publicly; I’m not discussing people in that category, with which I have no experience, but rather the context in which I myself dated). 

In terms of length, dating is usually a matter of weeks, max max max maybe 2-3 months, and most of the time you didn’t meet before your first date. So, I mean, there’s not really a “relationship” to post about on social media per se the way there is with secular relationships, which are typically only made official after the couple has known each other for a bit and then extend much longer prior to engagement. My husband and I went on 7 dates over the course of 3 weeks before we got engaged. I almost ended things after the 2nd date, was confused about my feelings on the 3rd date, and only started really properly liking him on the 4th date, so what was there to say prior to getting engaged? 😂And apart from him, the most dates I ever went on with someone was 4. Also, in my circles you typically don’t contact each other directly between dates in the beginning (the shadchan arranges the dates). My husband and I didn’t have each other’s numbers until our 6th date, and only then because we were sneaking out for our date from an engagement party we were both attending (separately) and needed to coordinate when exactly to meet outside. Let alone having each other on social media.