#shadchanim

Now, the truth is, I don't know him all that well.

But I do know that he's deaf (aka disabled). And that (at least in the beginning, especially around the divorce) he has been kind of an absentee father. And that he was kind of pushed into working despite not really wanting to, so he basically works a minimum wage job.

I know all this because he's the ex of a family friend.

Yeah.

Also he's a lot younger than me, which on it's face isn't necessarily a problem, but it's the lack of maturity more than the "youngness" that bothers me.

The friend who sent the resume is one of the absolute sweetest people you could ever meet in your life.

We were in middle and high school together, though we didn't share too many classes and weren't in the same social circles, so at the time we were more acquaintances than friends.

But recently I signed up to bring them a meal after she gave birth and I've since been helping her out with the kids a few times a week and we've definitely moved from acquaintances to friends.

Since it's been less than 2 months though, we are still getting to know each other and I'm not sure if the resume was her idea or her husband's. I don't even really know if they actually know him or just read the resume and thought it sounded good for me. But she had asked me if the last name had ever come across my desk before and I just thought to myself "it caaaan't be who I think it is...." so I told her to feel free to send it over, because the best case scenario is that it's someone I've never heard of and the worst case scenario is I just say no thank you.

I considered how to word it when I saw that it was exactly who I thought it was, and ended up just telling her how funny it was that I actually did know who he was and that it was just not shayich for a bunch of reasons, but I'd keep him in mind for others.

Diplomatic, closed the subject, and now we can move on.

Or can we....?

Because this is the second guy suggested to me this year who is a little off.

And I know that kind of comes with the territory of being an "older single".

And I know that people think that I'm the sweetest person and therefore would entertain the idea of these guys because I come across as a nonjudgemental person, the exact type these guys would need to marry.

But at the same time, I'd like to think people deem me worthy of at least a 6, you know?

Neither of these guys are ugly, per se, but they're just ambitionless.

And I know, look who's talking, right? But the truth is, I do have ambitions, I just have no way to make them happen because I don't have the mazal for it.

These guys could have all the mazal in the world, but they just kind of couldn't care less, I guess.

They kind of lack personality.

And I know I have friends who are all personality who married very mild guys, but I feel like I need someone who I can have a conversation with. Someone I can be a bit combative with (in a healthy way). Someone with thoughts and ideas and who wants to do things.

Does this mean I just don't come off as my authentic self to the people who are trying to set me up? (Not that I really think I'm ready for marriage yet, but since Hashem works in mysterious ways, I don't just shoot down whatever ideas are floated my way)

The first guy who was suggested to me this year I did actually go out with. Since I was away for the summer and he was staying like an hour and a half away from where I was staying, he took a bus to come meet me, which I totally didn't expect to happen.

He was nice enough, but awkward and probably on the spectrum. I did most of the talking and it was like pulling teeth to get him to open up about most things, so I kept it light and did mostly ice breaker type conversation while we walked around a park a little bit. Then I drove him to catch his bus and that was kind of it.

The girl who wanted us to go out was an old family friend I hadn't seen in at least 15 years, but I ran into her at a simcha and she had her mom (who used to be a shadchan) do the shadchan thing.

Just based on his resume, I had a feeling it wasn't going to work out because hashkafically we were in two different places, but I figured if he was up to meet, then the least I could do was give him an hour or two of my time, because maybe I'd know someone who is right for him.

The friend later told me that he never dates because he's too shy and she'd been trying to get him to go out for several years and I was the first person he'd said yes to. She tried to get me to go on another date with him, but like I said, hashkafically we were just on two different pages though if he's interested in talking tachlis, I'll go out again, but he kind of agreed because he didn't want a second date either. (She kind of figured if she could get me to say yes then maybe he would too. I think she's just trying to get him out of his little rut, though I don't know if he wants to leave it, to be honest...)

For example, I'm looking for someone for whom attending minyan is important, whereas he prefers to daven by himself, if at all.

And I'm looking for someone who has a regular learning seder multiple days a week, at the very least over the phone if they're unable to connect in person, and he learns about once a week, if at all.

I want a Shabbos table that revolves around Torah, sefarim, and zemiros. And he... I guess doesn't?

In general I'm just looking for someone more serious about and more settled in their yiddishkeit and I didn't get that impression of him in the resume or in person (and then the shadchan confirmed those impressions too).

And as for this second guy I was just suggested... I get the feeling it's the same type of situation. I've met him several times and he just reminds me so much of my father in terms of his apathy towards yiddishkeit and being a father.

That's not at all what I'm looking for.

And I know this friend who sent the resume for this second guy sees the world through such positive, beautiful glasses, but I can't help thinking that it's kind of offensive people think that little of me.

Again, maybe that's not at all what she was thinking. Maybe she doesn't actually know him and was just passing along the resume for someone who on paper looks great. I mean, the resume looks decent. The blurb is short and hits all the important positive points, so from the outside it is similar to what I'm looking for.

But knowing the person and the way things went down with the divorce and everything definitely changes the whole perspective. His ex was literally in tears on multiple occasions that he seemed so disinterested in his role as a father and just showing up and being present when the kids wanted him.

So I guess at this point I'm just hoping she doesn't actually know him and was just passing along the resume because it looks decent.

Either way, dear future husband, he is not you. Neither of them are. I can say that with confidence.

Friday night, we were just starting our meal when there was a knock at the door. I looked through the peephole and there was a guy I'd never seen before on the other side. If I had to guess his age, I would have put him in his late 40s, early 50s, and he was wearing a suit and had a yarmulke, so I opened up and said Shabbat Shalom.

Turns out he's new to our building and he just needed a corkscrew to open a bottle of wine. It wasn't the first time we'd been asked by a neighbor, so I welcomed him in and showed him our corkscrew options, and he opened the bottle right there, as we all made small talk about the building, and then he said good Shabbos and left.

And MotherLivelyHeart can never help herself, so she asked me what I thought of him, though it was phrased as "Do you think he's cute?"

*dramatic eyeroll*

I kind of avoided answering the question because he was here maybe a minute and a half, and also, if she was thinking of him for me.... no. Just no. Firstly because of the age, and secondly because there was something a little too happy about him. His eyes were like too big or something. But that's not really a thing, and doesn't really make sense, so I didn't say anything.

Anyway, she kept asking, saying he seemed really nice and he mentioned he was single and she added "ready to mingle."

And I was like, "how do you know he's ready or available to date?" And she said something about him saying so, which I literally did not recall at the time, nor do I recall now. But whatever. I was so hoping she was pushing because she had someone else in mind for him, but I have a feeling she was just like "oh, he's single, and here's my single daughter" which, EW.

But she kept going, saying his name sounded familiar, she was pretty sure she'd seen it somewhere, she even knew the spelling of his last name, despite it not being typically spelled the way she said she knew it to be spelled.

I was like, whatever.

Well, after Shabbos I was curious if she was right about the spelling of his name.

Turns out, yes, yes she was.

Now, why he sounded familiar to her, I couldn't possibly tell you.

But why he's familiar at all is because he is on the local sex offenders registry.

No joke.

I won't go into details here about why he's on that list, but suffice to say, it's kind of a misdemeanor that compounded with the sheer number of times he offended, and resulted in him having to do a short term in prison for it. I think he's probably still on probation, actually.

It kind of felt like lashon hara to be talking about him, but I shared the info with MotherLivelyHeart and told her that one of the reasons I hadn't answered her straight out last night was because there was something, but nothing concrete to go off of for that something. And she was like, "you have a gift! your radar always knows!" Which was kind of shocking to hear from her, considering how many years she downplayed my "gift" and basically made me feel like I was crazy for having gut feelings about people.

But suffice to say, there's a new single guy in my building, dear future husband, and I can say with confidence that he is not you.

Have you ever had a day where you look in the mirror and feel like you're staring at an ogre?

Like, you see the person staring back at you, but you don't see it as you, you see it as all your worst imperfections just glaring at you. And you feel like an absolute gross blob of a human who should just crawl back into bed.

And then you run into someone who complements you on your appearance?

And all you can think is... what kind of cruel joke are you playing?

That seems to be my relationship with God.

For the last week (maybe week and a half, if I could remember that far back), I've been in a super crummy, sad, depressed state.

I hate everything.

And for some reason, NOW is the time that people are reaching out with shidduch suggestions.

Like, this can't happen when I actually feel good about myself and positive about my life and the future?

Because there are days like that. Sure, they're rare, but they do happen.

But now is literally the opposite of that. And NOW is when Hashem sends these names my way.

And you'd think "oh, maybe it's to cheer you up" except no.

No, because like I've said previously, I'm a superficial b**** and these guys are maybe a 4 (being generous) on the looks scale.

"He's the nicest guy"

"He's such a mensch"

That's lovely, and I super appreciate that, but unfortunately, my brain isn't attracted just to good middos.

Unfortunately, God made me an artist who lives in an entirely physical, visual world.

And unfortunately, aesthetics mean more to me than I want them to.

I WISH I was the type of girl who could see past that.

I WISH I was the type of girl who was attracted more to personality than looks.

I wish so many things for myself, but it's not who I am.

I've tried to make myself like peoples' looks when I like their personalities, but it hasn't happened for me yet.

I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to, and these guys are absolutely not it.

Because FML.

Yes, I know looks fade.

And I know that without makeup I'm not much of a looker either.

Because again, FML.

And again, it's so nice that they think of the nicest guys for me, but they're always the nicest guys who I could never be intimate with because I'm just not attracted to them even one iota.

And it just feels like another "kick her while she's down" thing. Like, "oh, you feel like crap right now and don't see a future for yourself? sure, here's another reminder that you will never have a future because you wouldn't even go out with these guys who are available and super nice because they're 'not your esthetic'"

Have I mentioned recently how much I hate myself?

To make matters even worse, my brain can't help with the whole "omigosh! what are the odddddsssss!?!?!!?" thing because the second guy who was recommended to me this week is totally one of those situations -

Someone in my community just got engaged and it was a whole big deal because it's a second marriage and she's basically a public figure. She's always used her married name, even though she's divorced and her ex lives in town, because it's her kids' last name too and she didn't want any legal issues. Totally understandable.

The thing is, it was kind of weird to see the engagement notice with that last name, if that makes sense.

And I kept thinking about her married name because it's been ages since I'd seen her husband and I couldn't remember much about him, but the last name felt super familiar.

I asked my sister if she knew someone with that name and she said yeah, that she was in high school with a girl (let's call her Jennifer) who shared that last name, but they're not related.

And then she said "oh, and you know Sarah Cooper*? she's married to Jennifer's brother."

I was like "oh wow! so cute!" because I was in school with Sarah Cooper* back in the day and bump into her randomly but know nothing about her husband.

Well, anyways, it turns out GuyNumber2 is Jennifer's brother too. And I was sent his resume, which lists out Sarah Cooper* as a family member.

Also, GuyNumber2 is a doctor who specializes in something that's actually been bothering me out of the blue for the last week.

So my brain is doing "omigosh!hashgachapratis!whataretheodds!" cartwheels in my head while I'm here like "yeah, but I don't find him attractive at all."

Because, again, FMFL.

And that's why God is a jerk.

Because He orchestrates all of this all the time. And it's like He just wants to remind me of my sad patheticness all the damn time.

I'm literally so tired.

Work is supposed to be something I can leave at the door and forget about, but lately it's been so overwhelming that even if I leave the work at work, the effects of the stress from work are coming home with me and I'm just depleted.

I literally can't even go into it right now because I'm so tired.

It's not even midnight and I, the lifelong night owl, am crashing after doing almost nothing today.

I got up at 8, went to work where I sit at a desk for 8 hours, took BigSis shopping for Shabbos where I wanted to murder everyone in the parking lot for driving like a**holes, came home, ate dinner, and was supposed to start organizing some crap but after taking care of a few things online, I haven't even gotten that far with the cleaning/organizing and I'm just done.

So.

Yeah, I guess that's my life now.

Corporate drone with no life, no break, no energy, rinse and repeat.

The backdrop may change, but the props are the same.

-LivelyHeart

I was hired with a $56,000 salary, though since I started almost halfway through the year, my 2025 salary isn't the full $56,000.

And when I had my three month check in, just before my benefits kicked in, I was actually given a $2,000 raise, which brings me to $58,000 annual salary.

But that's not the take-home amount. After federal taxes, state taxes, local taxes, and FICA (aka mandatory social security and medicare contributions) my actual take-home on a $58,000 salary is $44,411. Though, again, that's not the amount I'm actually making for 2025 since I started the first few months at a $56k salary, and I started almost halfway through the year.

This also doesn't include bonuses and commissions, which I'll get to shortly, but yes, I'm paying close to $15,000 in taxes alone. Almost 25% of my income is going to taxes.

And what's incredibly sad is that the amount I'll be paying in taxes annually on this salary is more than I made annually for at least two out of the last five years.

Now, taxes are taken out automatically and because the commissions aren't taxed fully when we're "awarded" them, I requested that a little extra be taken out each pay period to cover some of those taxes so that when it comes time to file, I won't be stuck owing the IRS anything, and may even get a refund.

So, starting with the $56k annual base, after taxes were taken out and before I was getting benefits, my weekly take-home was $778.

Once benefits were put in place, I opted to get the $200 health care assist from my work, which meant paying for health insurance out of every paycheck along with the taxes, so my weekly take-home dropped to $698.

And then when the raise took effect, my take-home went up to $741.

In between there have also been a couple of quarterly bonuses that go out to everyone (and they only take out FICA on those, no federal and no state taxes), as well as a couple of commission checks, for which taxes are taken out but because it's supplementary income, they're taxed at a higher rate of like 31%. Yay. Gotta' love a "we appreciate the work you're doing so much, here's a pat on the back and owing the government extra money."

But whatever.

All this to say that right now, monthly I'm bringing in just under $3000.

So where does it all go and why do I feel broke? Let's break it down.

I currently have almost $14k in credit card debt, most of which was racked up over covid, because an average human being can't live off of $10-15k a year in America in the 2020s. My credit cards were practically at 0 when covid hit. $14,000 in 5 years is actually not that much when you consider that's less than $5,000 a year and with a normal salary would have been covered. All of that was for normal expenses like groceries, gas, the electric bill, etc.

But I still have to pay it off and it's accruing interest.

So. Here's my budget right now:

$768 for monthly rent (yes, I still live with my mother) $800 for various credit cards $15 for cell phone $1000 for savings $150 for food/groceries/necessities $120 for gas

This leaves $114.52 unbudgeted, which is $28.63 a week.

And let me be clear - $150 for food is not a lot. Especially when you keep kosher. And your diet consists of a lot of kosher animal protein. A whole salmon is approximately $90. If I get that and put it in the freezer, that's 2/3 of my budget for maybe 8 meals. A package of ground beef is approximately $30. That's 1/5 of my budget for maybe 4 meals. Getting both, I have 12 meals for the month and a month consists of at least 38 meals (if doing OMAD - one meal a day - which I don't do for Shabbos, since I also have to include shelosh seudos and melava malka). That's 11/15 of my budget for barely 1/3 of my meals. And that doesn't factor in things like other necessities such as shampoo and face wash, which are technically part of that same allotment.

And yes, $120 a month is crazy high for gas, but with gas generally over $3 where I live, and my job being 15-20min from my apartment, in heavy traffic that's almost an hour of driving each day just to get to and from work. In between my mother often drives my sister to work in the morning (which sometimes includes a 10 minutes out of the way breakfast run), I sometimes pick my sister up from work later, we do grocery shopping, my mom goes to therapy, the occasional costco run etc. And I'm also generally paying for all the gas, since I use an app and discount card to save money on gas and my mother refuses to get one because the whole system is "too complicated" for her.

And no, this does not include budgeting for things like a costco membership or car repairs (that our old car needs and has had to have over the last few months). New tires cost an insane amount, btw.

And you might say, hey, well, maybe don't put so much into your savings, except that I haven't had a savings. I've had to use it all on necessities. And they say you're supposed to have an emergency fund that can cover your basic expenses for 6 months. So having $6000 in my savings account after 5 months of work is a major win for me, but still not enough for an emergency fund, considering my general expenses are approximately 2/3 of my monthly income and I've only been saving 1/3.

Also, this doesn't include any budgeting to pay off my stupid student loans that have been deferred while I've been broke AF.

I'm hoping that once I hit $12k in my savings account (aka 6 months of expenses for an emergency fund), I can kind of press pause on saving and just put that extra $1000 towards paying off the credit cards so I can stop paying all that interest. But I'm still only halfway towards that goal, and putting $1800/mo towards a $15000 debt will still take over a 8mo to accomplish.

I've been considering doing a personal loan to just pay them all off at once and only have one monthly payment (hopefully at a lower rate than some, if not all of the cards), but I've heard from some people it's not a good decision. So I just don't know about that.

But how insane is this? As a kid, $50k seemed like a millionaire, especially compared to the broke house I grew up in. I could never dream of someone hiring me for that much. And now that I'm making it, I have less than $30 a week to put towards non-necessities. And considering how low I've budgeted myself for food/groceries, honestly that $27.38/wk should be going to necessities, leaving me with $0 for anything else. Nothing special for the yomim tovim, no gifts for people, not even maaser or other tzedakah, which you may have noticed is missing.

Yes, on an income of almost $60k a year, I'm left with $0.

And I'm just one person!!!!!

I literally have no idea how other people survive.

If I had kids in school that I had to pay tuition for, and buy food and clothes for, and drive to school and friends, etc... It would be literally impossible on this budget.

And that's with a low monthly rent! Most of the places around me are a minimum of $1500/mo for a 1-2 bedroom.

Literally the reason I can't move out of my mom's place. Rent is astronomical on my budget. If I had to pay double what my mom is charging, I'd either not be able to pay the monthlies on my credit cards, or I'd have nothing in savings.

Oh, and let's keep in mind, of course, that the interest that's earned in that savings account ALSO gets taxed as supplementary income, which means like 31% of that interest is going back to the government.

And did I mention I'd like to make aliyah by the time I'm 40?

I'm so f***ing lonely in this world. I feel nothing for America, and with the state of things deteriorating more and more each day, I don't want to be here.

At least in Israel I have my nieces. Helping take care of them last summer literally fueled my spirit. Being around them makes me feel like I'm worth anything.

So what would it take to get me there? Probably a billion dollars, tbh.

My savings account is at $6000 now. Between paychecks and small commissions/bonuses, I'd say I could be at $12k by like Feb, maybe.

If I start putting that $1000 budgeted for savings towards credit cards this coming Feb in addition to the $800 I already have, at that point the debt will probably be like $14000, so let's say that takes 8 months to pay off.

That puts me at Dec 2026 for the credit cards to be fully paid off.

Of course, that's hoping the student loans can still be deferred during that time.... I doubt they will, but let's work with the assumption they can be.

That means that by the time I'm 38, I'll still only have saved $12k (plus interest, I guess), and I'll still have to pay student loans, but I'll be out of credit card debt. Barring any additional expenses, of course.

That gives me just under two years to save up enough to live in Israel.

If I can start putting that $1000 back into savings, I'll have freed up that $800 that was initially going towards credit cards, so that could either go into savings to almost double my savings, or some of that would be split between paying student loans and going towards necessities.

Of course, that's assuming I'll know what 2027 even looks like. If costs go up, everything in my budget will have to be reworked. I can't guarantee I'll have any raises by then either, though that would be nice. And commissions and bonuses will depend on how well things are going at work, so there's no way to factor those in either.

With Plan A (the full $1800 goes into savings), by Jan 2029, at 40 years old, I could have $55,200 of my own money in savings, earning 3.8% interest annually.

With Plan B (only putting the $1000 in savings and using the $800 for student loans and other necessities), I'd have only like $36,000 of my own money in savings, earning interest.

To quit my job and move to Israel, that's literally bubkis. Both of these options aren't good enough to live forever without needing to work again (the second being way worse but more realistic, probably).

I'd still need to get a job there, which means learning the language well enough to communicate with people in a professional setting. My language skills are not good, so let's just say that most likely won't happen unless I'm working for English speakers, which means either living near English speakers or commuting a ton regularly unless I can find something remote, but I don't want to work from home. It's so isolating.

But I'm getting off track....

All this to say, in just over 3 years, I'll only have between $36-55k in savings, and that's only if I can stick to these plans.

And all that without having paid maaser or given tzedakah on any of my paychecks, which I hate even thinking about.

How on earth would I ever pay for a wedding???? (Let alone the marriage itself...)

And yes, I know that's supposed to be split between the two parties (assuming he can pay "half"), and yes, I know there are chessed organizations for some of these things too, but my whole life all I've ever desired above anything else is financial independence.

I don't want to go to people with a hand out asking for financial assistance for a one-day party.

I'm a firm believer that you don't live outside of your means, and I haven't even had the means to live by that notion (as you can see by the insane credit card bills), but part of that is also not having a wedding beyond your own budget.

And my budget is literally $0 right now.

Dipping into savings means cutting into the amount of time I can "coast" after making aliyah.

This would also require marrying a guy who wants to make aliyah and/or getting married in Israel. But most of the guys I've met are iffy at best about making aliyah and flat out against it at worst. And getting married in Israel would mean most of my friends/family can't be there, which makes for a small and sad party, even for someone who isn't super into parties.

So... I just don't know.

It's all so depressing.

I'm making more than I ever have before in my life and somehow I feel even more broke.

My parents lived paycheck to paycheck and my childhood sucked.

I don't want to perpetuate that cycle.

I don't want any potential future family of mine to suffer that way. (I'd honestly rather die alone and gift the money to people who will use it to avoid the dire circumstances that I've suffered through.)

And it's hard to feel like any guy would want to even marry into this insanity in the first place.

I have so much stacked against me as it is, that it feels impossible.

So I don't know if you're still out there, dear future husband.

But if you are, please bear with me.

I'm trying.

So, I finally quit my previous job because I got a job offer elsewhere. I thought at the time that maybe Hashem was finally hearing my cries and granting me something that could help me moving forward, but I'm starting to think it's just another joke He likes to play on me.

I know that every workplace has its pros and cons, and there's really no way to escape that no matter where you work, but it seems I can't escape the same stupid issues.

When I applied and interviewed with this company, I had no idea it was owned or run by frum Jews. In fact, I was looking for a place that davka wasn't. I've said for years I don't like working for frum businesses because things like lashon hara become a huge issue and I don't want to have to navigate that.

Although in the current political climate, working for non-Jewish businesses is no cake-walk either, so, again, no real winners here either way.

But I had beseeched one of my seminary rabbis for his tefillos on my behalf and I though maybe Hashem was finally responding in kind. Maybe things would be turning around. Maybe things were looking up for once in my life.

And yet... now I'm just not sure.

Before I started this new job I had to close up the old business I was working for because without me there, there's no one to run things since my boss at that place lives elsewhere. The news came suddenly and the decision was made a week before Pesach with the decision being that it would close the week after Pesach because the week after that was when I was set to start the new job.

My boss at the time was really generous and good about giving bonuses for hard work, so I was expecting one when we closed things up, especially because she wasn't able to be here for it and I basically had to do everything in three days.

Well, turned out I worked myself too hard and got insanely sick and ended up missing my first week of the new job.

And while I got paid for the hours I worked, I didn't get any bonus for the time and energy and getting sick in the process of closing up her business, which, I'll be honest, I'm kind of annoyed about. But whatever.

I always spread myself too thin and offer too much, so why should I be surprised that wasn't actually recognized? That's not a new thing in my life.

Either way, I'm now at this new job and for the first time in my life I'm on salary and getting a steady paycheck, chasdei Hashem. But honestly, is it worth it? I'm not so sure.

The company started off as a small, heimishe business and is now trying to grow nationwide. The problem is, it's still being run like a small heimishe business. And no, I did not know this when I signed on. These are all the little things you learn along the way once you're tied into the system.

There's SO MUCH dysfunction because training is practically non-existent. One of the coworkers I have to work closely with on projects has been there about 2.5 months longer than I have and he's been suffering this entire time because he has two people who oversee his work and they both suck at their jobs in more ways than one.

My boss literally had me write an email to HR today just to get some of the dysfunction on record so we can try to fix this hot mess. But two people told me the HR lady doesn't usually do anything, and someone else said that she is mostly for show so that the company can say they have an HR person. I have no idea. My only interactions with her up until this point have been with the hiring process and she was super nice and responsive, so I don't want to believe she doesn't really do anything else, but I guess we'll find out.

In the meantime.... let's talk guys, since I know that's why you're really reading this.

There are currently five guys on my mind. Three of them are coworkers. Let's get into this:

Working with guys for the first time in forever is a weird experience, especially in such a large environment that just has a larger number of guys than I've ever had to interact with on a regular basis. I only have one brother and we barely talk. I don't speak to my father. My male cousins and uncles are kind of on the periphery of my life. And the last two times I worked in alongside guys, one of them was like 10 years ago and it was just two guys, and the time before that was like 15 years ago and there were only three guys.

At this place, though, basically daily I interact with like 10 and there are at least 5 others I still need to communicate with when needing approval for things. That's a lot of testosterone! Not that all of these guys are local - for some we communicate by zoom or Teams.

But one of the things that makes it a little more complicated, for me at least, is that I generally have an agreeable and approachable personality, so I can essentially befriend anyone. I know it doesn't seem like that based on how I write, considering how strong a lot of my personal opinions are, but out and about in the world, my interpersonal connections are different. And having that kind of open personality that people want to be around complicates talking to guys because they often think my friendliness and schmoozability means more than I intend for it to. It's not flirting, I swear, it's just incessant talking and a head for puns. It literally doesn't mean anything more. lol

Ok, well, there are exceptions... despite not feeling attractive by so many metrics, there are obviously times that my insides take control and I may joke a little too hard to get certain guys to smile more, because I find them cute and it's like a little win in my column to get them to notice me back. But in my life that's honestly a rarity.

Lately though, I find myself having to hold myself back from doing it with one guy in particular. Not that it would even matter since he's almost half my age and would never view me as a prospect. lol

But he's literally tall, dark, and handsome. And has a cute smile when he's not so stuck in his head and brooding, which is why I'm borderline crazy just trying to bring some levity to his life. He's got the longest lashes too (and yes, I'm so jealous!). He's 21 but he doesn't look 21. It's clear from talking to him that he's very young and still learning, but he looks and acts more mature. I was literally just looking through some old pictures of myself from around that age too and even at like 24, I looked more like a freshman in high school than an adult. This dude actually looks like a mature adult. Crazy.

As it is though, it does give me the opportunity to kind of "Mama Bear" him a bit. Be like a fun "aunt" type and support system, which I don't think he's had at work (or even at home, considering some of the things he told me about his family dynamics). It's been tough for him adjusting to the working world straight out of yeshiva, and this job is a big deal to him. He takes it seriously and is super organized and diligent, so I have no doubt he'll be successful. He just needs to get out of his head a little bit and I kind of almost wish we weren't frum so I could just take him out and do fun things without it seeming like anything inappropriate, you know? Go for walks, or bowling, see a movie once in a while or something.

But this is the continued tale of "woe is me," so of course I'd meet a cute guy who checks a lot of my boxes and who I get along really well with and he's almost half my age. I mean... damn.

But he's not the only guy who has popped up in my life recently, so let me tell you about another guy who isn't you.

This was the first dude I met on my first day and my boss had a personal thing to take care of, so she had me shadow him to learn the ropes.

Let's call him Shai.

Shai is not religious. In fact, the day I met him he told me he's the only non-religious Jew in the whole office, which was kind of funny and interesting. He's a few years younger than me, super American, but the son of Israelis, and he went to a quasi-religious day school through HS, so he knows frum stuff in the far reaches of his memory, but he tends to only recall that stuff to turn it into jokes and not because he actually connects with any of it.

He's also a nutcase. Totally my sense of humor and we're cubicle neighbors, so we're ridiculous together. The banter we have is kind of like the weirdest siblings, but it works for us.

I don't have casual male friends, but if I did, he'd totally be the type I'd hang out with just for the ridiculousness. He actually asked me today if I know any girls for him, so I'm racking my brain trying to come up with someone who is his type, but I don't know if I know anyone right, but my sister gave me a lead, so I'm on the lookout for his beshert. lol

And I could mention the married guy I work with who made me blush a couple of weeks ago, which I didn't even know was possible and now I hate myself a billion percent more for it. It wasn't even anything indecent, it was just a stupid joke that made me laugh so hard and I became immediately self conscious about it and.... yeah, that was fun...

And I was going to take time now to discuss dating app guys who have popped up in my life recently, but frankly, I'm too pooped right now to write anything else and I have to get up early, so I'll save that insanity for another day.

Suffice to say, dear future husband, you are most likely none of the guys I've mentioned previously. Despite what some may categorize as a crush on this poor 21 year old.

But I'm a mess, so would we expect anything less? Nope.

They say don't date anyone less than half your age +7 years. At 36, that means I shouldn't date anyone younger than 25. In so many ways, this guy is a baby. He doesn't get any of my references because my "hayday" was the mid 2000s when I was graduating high school and he was... having an upsherin?

It's weird. It's just so freaking weird. And it makes me feel weird to even like like someone that young. It's just weird.

Ok, I'm basically falling asleep sitting here, and I've been passing out on the couch too often, so let's not do that tonight, mkay?

We'll save the dating app guys for another time.

Layla tov, dear future husband.

There's a Little Old Lady in our building who is moving to an old age home soon and MotherLivelyHeart decided that we should have a goodbye party for her.

The discussion of this party went from "we should invite everyone she knows to come say goodbye to her" to "we'll just keep it a building thing."

And every time discussion of this thing came up, I kept saying we should do it in the party/conference room that our building has, but MLH has some unexplained hatred for that room and always nixed the idea. She wanted "to do it in my home. I have a beautiful home for a reason."

The last discussion we had about this party earlier in the week (after she agreed to doing the mealtrain thing on Thursday and before she decided she doesn't want to do that again for quite a while), it seemed decided that we would have the party in the hallway near Little Old Lady's apartment with a tiny table set up with a little nosh and a bunch of chairs, instead of in our apartment.

When MLH bought the stuff for the mealtrain breakfast, she also grabbed a boxed cake and boxed brownies. And at some point she scrounged up a bag of popcorn. And erev Shabbos, BigSis baked the cake and brownies.

Then, on Friday, MLH pinned an event in the building whatsapp chat reminding everyone to come say goodbye to Little Old Lady and the time that she posted was 6:15pm-6:45pm or "after havdallah." And the location she posted was our apartment.

Now, time is important for a few reasons. One of which is that, recently, for some reason unbeknownst to me, we have started following a different havdallah time than we used to.

When I was growing up, we waited the longest time for havdallah because my father thought he was chassidush or something and that's what he'd been taught. But it became an issue when he wasn't davening with any chassidush minyan anymore (and hadn't since I was like 2) and we were the weirdos, having heard havdallah at our friends' houses and still unable to do anything after shabbos (like get a ride home) until the proper zman.

My parents spoke to a rabbi* about it who told them that since they had chosen this time as baalei teshuva who didn't really know anything, they could change it. But it was a one-time change and they couldn't adjust again after that, and to be sure of which time they wanted to switch to.

So when I was in high school, we all of a sudden started keeping the "one hour" that most people keep. I believe this is the opinion of The Gra...?

And so, 6:15pm this week becomes important when, out of the blue, we're not ending Shabbos at like 5:30pm if Shabbos started at 4:30pm, but instead at what I think is the offical Tzais HaKochavim time of around 5:45pm. Because by the time Shabbos is over and we've cleaned up from shelosh seudos and actually finish havdallah it's after 6:00pm, which gives us only 15 minutes to set everything up.

And right before havdallah is when MLH decides to tell us that she forgot to get small plates. Oh, and also we don't have any drinks.

This was something SHE was planning. She didn't ask for any help. In fact, ada raba! She told me point blank that she didn't want me making a big deal over this and buying or baking anything for it. "I'm just going to pick up some cookies or something." I was like "fine, this is your thing, go for it."

Well, Little Old Lady showed up at like 5 after 6pm and parked herself right between the kitchen and dining room, when we had just barely finished havdallah, and nothing was set up yet.

We now have 10 minutes to get everything ready which includes finding a folding table for the hallway, making sure we have a tablecloth for it, tracking down small disposable plates and some drinks.

Because none of this was done before Shabbos.

Then another neighbor shows up and she sits next to Little Old Lady and now the direct path from the kitchen to the dining room is blocked, despite us clearly needing that area cleared to be able to get things set up. But whatever. God help our cluelessness.

MLH makes some statement about getting the hallway set up and BS all of a sudden goes "why?" And MLH says "because that's where we're setting things up." And BS makes a face and says "why? it's cold out there." And MLH goes on some mini diatribe about how our apartment hasn't been tidied up and it's so embarrassing, devastating, and humiliating.

Yes, in front of Little Old Lady and Other Neighbor. FFS.

Well, BS's resistance settles the topic - we're doing it in our apartment.

Which shouldn't really be much of a shock, considering that MLH set the location for the event as our apartment and nobody knew the original intention was to have it in the hallway to begin with. But whatever.

Right after Little Old Lady arrived, MLH started cutting the brownies and needed a tutorial on how. Like, seriously? While she was cutting the brownies I asked her what she wanted to do with the bunt cake.

Her response: "Well, we could do an icing or a drizzle, but that means pulling out the confectioner's sugar and vanilla and making a mess... we could cut it up and put it on plates, or just leave it plain and let people do what they want. It's a cake; don't overthink it."

So fine, I left it alone.

Then at about 6:20pm, while she's cutting the brownies into ridiculous shapes despite what I had shown her, she asks me "What do you want to do with the cake?"

I said, "I don't know, it's your cake, whatever you want."

And I get back a condescending remark through forced smile and gritted teeth: "Thank you so much for your help."

Because, I'm of course the bad guy.

Because she "planned" and did a piss-poor job of it.

Because I clearly needed this right now.

I should add that I've been having issues today with the arm that I broke earlier this year. I don't know the cause of it, but I've been experiencing pain for hours, which she knew. And I even made a comment to her about how the most pain is when I have to rotate my arm and grasp things which is required for cutting and carrying.

Yet she kept trying to get me to cut and carry things.

It's almost like she wants me to say no so that she can be upset.

I don't get it.

Anyway, so now we're hosting this little party in our apartment that is "so gross and disorganized and unclean and an embarrassment" or whatever, and while guests are literally coming in she's puttering around tidying random things and muttering under her breath how embarrassed she is at the state of the apartment.

Which, granted, is a bit unorganized, but isn't unclean. It's just not "host-a-party" clean because we didn't clean to be hosting a party.... because it was supposed to be in the hallway and not in the apartment....

So at around 6:30pm, about halfway through the time she alloted for this "party", MLH was fuming at the embarrassing state of our apartment and my inability to be helpful physically (or idea-wise, considering I just parroted back the whole not overthinking the cake situation to her and I guess that was the wrong thing to do), BS started putting together a glaze for the cake, and I sat down on the couch, out of the way, and checked a few messages on my phone and started cataloguing my thoughts.

And MLH took that opportunity to ask me in a whisper across the room "are you going to join us?" To which I was like "what?" and she said louder "are you going to join us at the table?" and I was like "I don't know, maybe" and she said something like "well, then, just go to your room. this is not nice." Because I guess me sitting on the couch on my phone while things were still being pulled together and Little Old Lady was shmoozing with two neighbors, was the rudest thing I could possibly be doing.

Should I remind you that I'm in my mid-30s?

And being reprimanded like a child.

For being in pain and out of the way while people set up a party that I was told straight-up to not do much for.

I frickin' hate my stupid life.

Shabbos was decent and this is how my week starts.

I'm over it all already.

So, my dear future husband...

Here's wishing you a shavua that's tover than mine.

-LivelyHeart

Also, are we surprised?

At this point, is anyone surprised?

But there I was, sitting with MotherLivelyHeart as she perused listings for cars we can't afford, looking for something to replace ours, because until we got word otherwise, she decided this was finally the end of our 2014 vehicle and time for something newer. Like, maybe a 2017 model.

How did we get here? To quote Elyse Meyers: Great question, I'm glad you asked.

Let's start with a non-sequitor:

When I said in my last post that I'd been depressed for the last couple of weeks, what I didn't mention is that I also hadn't showered for those two+ weeks.

Some of you may know that this is a symptom of depression.

But it's also a symptom of being broke AF, having to keep your heat off because gas alone is 2/3 of the electric bill, and even when you keep the heat set to 62℉ and it only cycles on like once or twice a day to keep the pipes from freezing, you still end up spending over $100 a month on heat alone. Because FML.

And it's been like zero degrees for the last month and also, who wants to step out of a shower dripping wet onto freezing cold tile with an ambient temperature barely above freezing?

Not a depressed person, I can tell you that.

So, why does not showering matter? We'll get there in a second.

For now, let me tell you the quick (or not...) saga of what it's like communicating with my mother.

I mentioned previously that I've had to move out temporarily (I'd like to make it longer, but that would require a roommate and for the place I'm staying to actually have things like a workable kitchen, but that's a story for another day).

So I'm currently in the same building, but not the same apartment as my mother.

Anyways, MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis are only aware I've been "tired" this week, nothing about the depression thing, cuz I'm a good faker. yayme.

I was over there for the Shabbos meals (see the whole no kitchen thing) and havdallah, and a little while after I left last night, MLH messaged me asking about my plans for today. Though, it's not specifically about my plans as much as it is about my use of the car:

She gave it a thumbs up and I thought that was the end of it.

She knew that if she needed the car it was available to her until I'd need it later in the day, but that was only a possibly on my end because I hadn't firmed up plans, though I'd told someone on Thursday I wouldn't mind helping them with something if they needed.

Almost two hours later when I was barely awake, she followed up with this question:

I was not in the proper headspace to respond. And also, why didn't she just ask that like two hours before?

I thought about taking a shower last night, but I was too out of it, so I just put my phone down and went to bed, deciding I'd respond in the morning and then maybe take a shower.

When I got up today, I didn't want to do anything. I rolled back over and went back to sleep a little longer. It's my "day off" and I should be able to spend it how I want, even if that means curled up in bed not talking to anyone.

But alas, I had my mother to respond to.

So I did.

Reluctantly.

There's ice everywhere, even right up close to places. So her response, while understandable in an ideal sense, isn't the most practical.

Ice keeps melting in the sun and then refreezing - this is happening everywhere.

I told her that my "possibly" plans were to help someone specific, in the complete opposite direction of where she gets her hair cut (at least 20 minutes each way), and that wouldn't really be one of those "sure I'll drop you off, do my thing and then pick you up" type of situations.

Also, with all the piles of snow and ice, while businesses are running, most parking lots are not fully cleared, so I can't just "find a parking space" to wait like I could in better weather.

And my loving, caring, understanding mother's response?

So I'm being guilted and manipulated into doing the thing that she wants me to do with a dismissive "whatever."

I ended up confirming with the other person that 3-4pm works and, swallowing the bad words I wanted to say to MotherLivelyHeart, I told her I could drive her.

Now, keep in mind that previously she had said she wanted to get her haircut "at like 2:00," right?

And it was now around 12:10pm and I told her I would be free around 1:30pm.

That should give me just under an hour and a half to pull myself together and get her.

I had time.

I could shower.

I could dress like a mensch.

I could grab a coffee.

I had time.

Except no, I didn't.

Because I had to fortify myself by turning on the heat and letting it run a little bit to take the chill off.

And because when I went to shower, the showerhead wasn't tightened properly and sprayed ice cold water all over me and the bathroom. Which meant spending another 10 minutes getting that thing to screw back on correctly.

But whatever, I was finally able to take a shower and feel like a bit of a human being for the first time in a few days.

I got out and the air wasn't actually deathly cold.

Since I have hardly any hair (because FML), it dries fairly quickly and I looked at the clock and saw I had 20 minutes to pull myself together before I had to go get the car and drive my mother to her appointment.

That's plenty of time to get dressed and make a quick coffee.

Except that my mother then messaged at 1:13pm:

I heard the notification but ignored it for a minute.

When I grabbed my phone that was followed up by:

I was like 'that's nice.' and reiterated that I'd be ready to go at 1:30 as I'd stated previously and I continued getting ready at my own pace.

But then she responded with:

And EXCUSE ME?????

AT WHAT POINT!?!?!?! did she EVER say 1:45!?!?!?!?

The place she gets her hair cut is about 15 minutes away. I told her I'd be free to go at 1:30. Going off the previous message of "like 2:00," I OBVIOUSLY assumed the appointment that she had now confirmed booking was at 2PM!!!!!

I thought she'd get there 15 minutes early (in good traffic) and now as I'm getting ready to head out the door she's telling me she's going to walk in late.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

I was so frickin' pissed I just responded at 1:30 with "getting the car."

She hobbled out, all chipper and cheery like "😊 ...and how's YOUR day going? 😊 whooo it's brisk out here! 😊 I should say shehechiyanu, this is the first time I've been out in weeks! 😊"

The words I swallowed....

She took her time buckling her seatbelt and wasn't as "anxious" as she usually is when she's late for something, but that didn't stop things from going awry anyway.

We were about a half a mile down the road, and as I slowed for a red light, the heat lowered itself and the whole car system kind of "stalled" without actually stalling.

MotherLivelyHeart was like "put it in neutral and give it a little gas, see if that fixes it."

So I did, but we were at a light that then turned green and she was like "go go go!" which meant I had to switch to drive, and the car was still being weird.

As we got moving again, she said, "if it does it again, just put it in neutral and give it a little more gas."

And, of course, at the very next light, it did the same thing as I was braking. So I kind of paused and was like "whoa" and she started yelling at me "DO AS I SAY!" and followed that immediately with "Why do you always fight me on these things!?"

Because, apparently, pausing to assess the situation is considered "fighting her" now.

I did the same thing and it didn't resolve anything fully, so as we started back up again, I told her we were going to have to pull over.

I made the first turn I could onto a random access road and turned around so we were facing the way we came.

She told me to check the oil, because that's one of the persistent issues we've had with the car for the last couple of years, but I just had the oil refilled about a month ago and we haven't done much driving because of all the snow and ice.

Well, we don't fight mother, now do we?

So I grabbed a paper towel and went and opened the hood. I pulled out the dipstick and... oil sprayed everywhere like a mini geyser.

And when I say everywhere, OF COURSE that means all over my face and my arms and my lovely scarf that I decided to wear instead of the "decrepit" one my mother hates.

Yes, me who is freshly showered for the first time in almost a month. Covered in motor oil.

Because F my MF dumba** life.

What the F am I supposed to be getting out of this?

What lessons am I supposed to be learning here?

I swallowed my own bad words and my own stupid pride to drive my mother to her goddamn appointment.

And my reward was to have my literally freshly cleaned self covered in disgusting oil.

To say I hate everything and everyone right now would be an understatement.

I'm so done with all this stupidity.

It's enough.

When do I get a break?

To make matters even better, we called a local mechanic to come take a look (which is why we were sitting there in the freezing cold). We told him that some quick googling pinpointed one possible problem and a guy drove by and said it might be another problem, but we obviously didn't know for sure what it was.

After assessing things, the mechanic drove the car around for a few minutes with MLH (while I got to stand by his truck with 0℉ winds whipping across me) and when he came back he said it was running fine and he didn't know what was wrong with it.

He told us to drive home, see our local mechanic tomorrow, and not "play mechanic" by googling things on our own.

So we came back. I made a coffee and came here to finish writing what I had started back in the car.

And about 10 minutes in, I glanced to the right and the paper coffee cup I had used must be defective (like everything else in my life) because coffee was dripping out of the bottom and pooling on my desk.

I'm done.

I'm just so done with everything all the time.

I'm done with the stress.

I'm done with the anxiety.

I'm done with the manipulation and guilt.

I'm done with being talked down to.

I'm done with being disrespected and dismissed.

I'm done with being broke and every stupid little thing always being a problem.

It's enough.

I give up.

What do I have to do for Hashem to actually care about me like a father is supposed to?

I have never in my life had a father that cared properly.

Not a biological one and not a spiritual one.

I don't know why I'm here.

I legit don't get it.

Am I just a doormat for everyone else to use and walk all over?

I know we're supposed to do what we can for others, but is that my whole existence? I don't get a say in any of it? I'm just here to help others without anyone ever helping me?

I want it to stop already.

How do I get it to stop?

At this rate I will never be worthy of any husband.

Sorry.