#shenself

A bit of background seems appropriate. I started listening to Zhou Shen in 2021 early on when I was beginning to learn Mandarin. The hows and what's are a bit much to go into now, so the short story is 大鱼 (dayu - Big Fish) got me interested, Memory and 达拉崩吧 (dalabengba) impressed me, and the (definitely underrated and not mentioned as much as it should be) 相思 (xiangsi - Lovesickness) finally hooked me. His voice is beautiful, his range astounding and his versatility in performance stunning.

(And the Little Prince costume for his C929 concert? That too.)

Since then, Zhou Shen has been a constant presence in my life. The time I spend on him waxes and wanes, but he's there somehow. My daughter knows about him - she calls him Go Hen because at two years old, she still can't quite say her ‘j and ‘sh’ sounds (it's an upgrade on her previous name for him - Dough Hen). Her favourite video of him is this one below of 小美满 (xiaomeiman - Little Bliss) - though I think that's due to the animated dog running around in the background - she often asks for ‘Go Hen's dog.’

It would be years, I assumed, before I could get to see him live. So of course, the overseas fandom were beyond delighted when we learned he'd be taking his 9.29Hz tour internationally. First stop: London, O2 Arena, Friday 14 February 2025. The day the presale hit, I gave my daughter chocolate and plonked her in front of the TV so I could be sure to get a ticket without distraction (terrific parenting right? 😅). The process was surprisingly smooth though exciting with the waiting rooms and countdowns.

The anticipation, the excitement!

With that in hand, I booked a hotel room. I'd already discussed with my husband that he'd look after our daughter for the time I'd be in London. This would be the first night I spent away from my daughter since she was born. I booked annual leave for the whole of Friday so I could get to London early enough as I don't live too far away. Everything was set.

14 February arrived. Things changed - we'd had a difficult January with our 15 year old cat being ill, and them we took the sad decision to have her put down, a choice which meant I had to rework my leave plans. I now was working the morning and leaving directly from the office. I slept poorly that night, waking at around 4am fretting about what not to forget as I was bringing. I didn’t get back to sleep. Looking back at it, the fact that this was my first solo, overnight trip in just over two years was probably getting to me more than I realised. But when I got up, I got everything I needed and wanted packed and left the house at my usual early time. The day was chilly. That line from Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ - February made me shiver - has been apt for this month.

The work day was busy, and then at lunchtime I made a mad dash down the road to catch the bus from work to the train station (cheered on by a couple sitting on a bench) - only to find potentially big delays to reach London. Luckily for us a train to get to King's Cross was found relatively quickly.

Then I was in London. King's Cross had some check-in stops on the advertising boards, and knowing they'd be the only ones I'd have a chance to see, I made sure I stopped and took pictures.

Someone else was taking pictures at the same time. We smiled at each other but didn't speak - nice though to connect briefly with a fellow fan.

I navigated the tube system to get to my hotel. The staff had left a single rose stem and a little Valentine’s Day message print out on the table. The O2 Arena was in clear view from my window. I think I relaxed for the first time that day, just for a few minutes. It was close to 3pm by that point, and I wanted a shower, and I was frantically trying to finish a couple of little crochet whales I wanted to make for two 生米 (shengmi - the name of Zhou Shen's fans) - ZhouShenSpotify (who you should definitely follow for updates on his Spotify stats) and Rockster929 (translator extraordinaire of Zhou Shen interviews) - I knew from Twitter/X who I was planning to meet up with later.

Whales in waiting, with the Valentine's Day wishes and the rose

So I showered, tried to do my hair with fancy curls but ended up settling with an 80s hair metal band look, and I finished the whales, hooray!

Then I checked Twitter and saw this:

I’m one of those people who in times of shock leaps straight to the denial. I think my first thought was “That’s not funny. This has to be a joke, right? RIGHT?”

However, the link was straight to the Zhou Shen Studio Weibo. It couldn’t not be true.

I wasn't quite right for the rest of the afternoon and evening. The lack of sleep, the (self-induced) stress of travelling down to London, the nervousness as well of being both a non-Chinese member of the audience and one whose Mandarin is so basic - and then the cancellation so close to the ‘curtains up’. Everything else after was a bit of a waking dream.

The announcement said that he’d come out to speak to the audience at 8pm. I didn’t even consider not going - the thought just didn’t cross my mind. And also the chance to meet other fans is always worth it and I wanted to see both ZSSpotify and Rockster929.

I finished getting ready and left the hotel for the single tube stop it would take to get there. Once on site, ZSSpotify and I found each other inside. Both really happy to meet each other in person and also in shock. After a bit of thought we figured we may as well start queuing.

We had a lovely chat in the queue. ZSSpotify told me a lot that night about things which I would have had no way of knowing with my level of Chinese - her knowledge of the industry and how things worked and also about Zhou Shen was wonderful to hear and I'm grateful for the time she took telling me all about it.

Everyone was lovely - a couple of fans (I'm guessing ones more involved in organising fan events) came up to us to tell us about plans to sing 小美满 at the end of his speech to support him, and kindly said to me I could clap along if I couldn’t sing the lyrics (true, I can’t!), and thank you for supporting our Chinese singer.

I had a look around the crowd. Of course most people were Chinese but I was by no means the lone non Chinese there. I saw someone university aged with their parents (probably?) and another lady in front of us in the queue.

Around 6pm I rang home as I'd been placing to anyway to say goodnight to my family. I told my husband what had happened. My daughter was on the video call too and I tried to angle the phone so she could see Zhou Shen’s picture in entrance area.

Security made an announcement about cancellation and handed out a print out of the statement that had been emailed and first appeared on Weibo. They let us in about ten minutes before planned entry - the promised/threatened security delays were thankfully minimal. ZSSpotify and I were in separate sections so planned to meet up afterwards. I queued again for my section then got to my seat. The view was good for the distance I was at and I had leg room. It would have been a decent seat for the concert (and assuming a next time - I just might save up a bit more and aim for a floor seat!)

The mood in the Arena was quiet and a little sombre. The PA system played his album Shenself (反深代词 - fanshendaici) - it was an interesting experience hearing his music in public and not in my earbuds or in the house. There were blue envelopes on our seats - though for some reason they had missed my spot and the ones around them. Someone who got muddled about what seats they were in, initially on my row but then found her spot on row in the front, shared the letter that he’d written with me. (The staff eventually came around to deliver our own envelopes).

Looking at the audience, I could see a wide range of people. An elderly couple a few rows ahead took pictures of themselves with the stage behind. Lots of women in their 20s and 30s. A couple of wonderfully gothy girls sat in the row in front of me. A number of families with young children, some of whom I'd seen being carried. There was something really nice about seeing an artist who attracts such a cross section of society. There might well be a stereotypical 生米, but there isn't a stereotypical Zhou Shen fan.

The O2 Arena, obligatory selfie.

I occupied my waiting time with Chinese flashcards and checking Twitter, but there were no delays: 8pm came and the stage lights grew bright.

Then Zhou Shen walked out from backstage. Muted but encouraging cheers. He wore a long black puffer coat, a grey sweater and scarf. As I said, it was cold. It was good to see him keeping warm against the London chill.

He bowed in all directions to the audience. Then walked out along the cat walk and did the same. Only when he got back to the main stage did he raise his ever-present blue mic to speak.

When he first began (after a few tries to start) - honestly, I thought one of the tech crew was doing a mic test or something. His voice sounded so low, so rough. He could have stopped there and frankly that would have been fine - this wouldn’t have been a lightly made decision, but it anyone wanted proof that he couldn't possibly perform, there it was. Zhou Shen however spoke for about ten minutes. I understood…. well. Very little. A few words and phrases, and of course the most repeated word: 对不起 (duibuqi).

The instructors in the Mandarin course I’ve signed up with explained that 对不起 literally means ‘unable to rise.’ As in I’m so ashamed I cannot rise to face you. Yet this is what Zhou Shen did. Rose from his bows, faced his audience, his 生米, and apologised again and again and again. He was devastated. His voice cracked from both its physical condition and his emotions. He cried right along with many people in the audience. I'm a bit of a delayed reaction kind of person, but I found myself trying to hold my phone up - a Chinese fan on twitter asked if I could but frankly my recording was rubbish - and be very still at the same time, as if trying to hold space for him.

Then he finished and was guided off the stage. I'm not sure of he could have gone on for much longer and was surprised that he spoke for as long as he did.

The planned singalong didn’t happen exactly as intended - because after he let the stage, the band and backup singers performed 我以渺小爱你 (Woyimiaoxiaoaini - Loving you in my humble way) and 小美满 - so everyone who could got to sing anyway. As sweet as it might have been to have sung it directly to him, I wonder if he’d have just completely broken down on stage if it had happened.

By the next morning, Vivi on Twitter had translated the speech. Thank you. Screencap of the start of the thread and pictured linked to whole thread below:

Link to thread

And since then, the North American Zhou Shen Fan Club have provided this video, which captures also what the audience were saying and other details. Thank you to them as well.

I wrote on Twitter/X at the time, before he came on stage, that it felt like we the audience were there to support him regardless of how things had turned out. That was truly the case, especially when he started speaking. Despite what had happened, it felt right being there. Something of a privilege too. To see someone be so vulnerable at a difficult time is something to both respect and cherish.

Afterwards, I met with ZSSpotify and Rockster929 and her family, and we went for hot pot together. All a little stunned still by what had happened but in good spirits - and hungry, due to the latest of the hour! Everyone was very generous with their time in the cooking and explaining (and also the paying!) I'd not been to hot pot before - though you can't not hear about it if you watch any Chinese content for long enough. I'm incredibly grateful for the experience and the company.

I do wish I’d not been so dazed - I would have loved to have talked more and for longer - especially asked Rockster929 more about how she does it and thank her properly for the hard work she puts into getting his interviews translated and subtitled and available so quickly in English for the fandom. ZSSpotify and I took the tube back together - she kindly took this picture of me in front of one of his posters before we left the O2 site.

Unfortunately I didn’t sleep well that night either. The lateness of the hour, still muddle headed, I just couldn’t get to sleep until far too late. I had breakfast at the hotel, and left swiftly to be home for just after lunch. It was always going to be a flying visit. I got home. My daughter had apparently missed me a lot and there had been a bit of crying that morning. My husband looked a little wrung out. We settled into the rest of the day though. It had been something of a break from normal life - not the one I'd hoped for but it had happened nonetheless.

I showed my daughter a video of him speaking. I can't quite recall if I told her he was feeling sad or if she noticed it herself. I tried to explain what happened in terms a two year old would understand, and also that I was feeling a bit sad too.

Then later that evening, unprompted, she said, “Mummy Go Hen sad.”

“Yes, sweetheart. We're both sad.”

It was only that night after my daughter was in bed that I had a proper cry. Delayed reaction, being comfortable at home and safe, and just processing it.

Now, over a week out - I'm sad it didn't work out as planned, but given the people I met and what we all bore witness to that night, I have no regrets whatsoever.

*

Three days after and the compensation plan was released.

See Rockster929's post for details, Weibo link, and screencapped translation

Wow. I mean wow. He's under no obligation to do so. Ticket refunds, sure. Travel and hotel? This is going to cost him and his studio a small fortune. All to do what he believes is the right thing. I went and saw friends this week who all knew how much I'd been looking forward to the concert. I gave them the details, and one of them said that Zhou Shen was a ‘class act’ to have both come out on stage and for offering the compensation package.

And these two articles (thank you as always Rockster929) are an excellent summation of what happened and why, from the perspective of the music industry, this was quite something. I didn't appreciate just how poorly audiences can be treated by the industry and artists alike.

Link to thread

Hong Kong Economic Journal - screencap plus translation

Not Zhou Shen though. It isn't just his talent the draws fans - it's his character. It's his dedication and commitment not just to musical excellence but also to the highest levels of professionalism and to his relationship with his fans.

It's taken me over a week to write this all down - work has been busy, parenting is always busy, and we're about to go on a longish holiday overseas to see my family. And wanting to be sure I've caught a lot of what happened. Trying to give a sense of how it was. A few things happend since: Zhou Shen posted a selfie on Weibo (see below) and his team have a general update on his health. No performances (very rare for him but understandable) and one new song but two pieces of news have come out: that four of his songs have been selected for inclusion in Chinese school children's music books, and that Shenself was, in 2024, the 11th best selling album across the globe. This is all marvelous and I hope provided Zhou Shen with some moments of joy over the last week. Us fans were certainly pleased on his behalf. And plans are still going ahead for the rest of his world tour - Las Vegas is now days away (he might well be winging his way there already) and the dates and venues for his Australian stops have been released. Crushing as this was, what was meant to be his first solo concert outside China, his career is still going very very strong. We have plenty of reasons to be happy as fans and for him.

The way I want to conclude is with some reflections on the events - I wrote these fairly soon after and they still stand.

That night as he spoke, many people called it to him meiguanxi, 没关系。It doesn't matter, it's ok. His response: “I know it matters.” Naturally we want to say this when someone so sincerely apologises, especially for something that wasn't fully in their control. The urge to reassure is strong. But I think he's right. Of course it matters. So much effort was made on all sides - from his crew, the musicians, the dancers - the amount of organisation that a huge event takes and the multiple working parts that have to all come together to make it happen. From the fans, who had to arrange and pay for flights, trains, hotel rooms, visas, and asking for time off work, arranging caring duties for dependents, and a host of other things that I’ve not considered when making plans to get to see and listen to someone you love, you adore. And for Zhou Shen himself, who would have put his all into preparations, planning, rehearsals, encouraging him team - and then at the end to go through all those medical treatments to try and pull through so he could perform for us. It absolutely matters. Our shared sadness and disappointment matters.

And (important that it's ‘and’ not ‘but’):

What matters more is that Zhou Shen is ok. That he looks after not only his voice, his precious instrument that brought us all there that evening, but also his own heart and mind. What matters more is that he looks after himself so he can sing again - both for his fans, and also for his own sake. This is a young man who has battered off ‘what would you do if weren’t a singer’ questions with what essentially amounts to ‘the alternative is unthinkable’. While we're all disappointed - Zhou Shen I believe most of all - after all that effort, the disappointment is for the circumstance, not in Zhou Shen. Not one little bit. On the off chance he ever reads this, he needs to know that he has nothing to feel guilty about. That’s my biggest fear for him. That this will haunt him far longer than it should. We all know this was the right decision. We all know he tried so so hard, threw every treatment the doctors could think of. If he could have made it work, he would have. But Zhou Shen has to protect his voice. The alternative would have been truly unthinkable.

And:

There are worse things that happen. The train delays I mentioned above were due to a death on the train line. I’m 90% certain it was suicide - they’re sadly common on the line I use. Someone and their loved ones had a far worse day than any of us. When I woke up the next morning in the hotel room, I read a diary article from of one of the climate change protestors who has been landed in prison for 4 years, writing about conditions that don’t read like they have a place in a just and fair society. And you just have to read the news to know that there are far far worse things.

And:

It still matters. Zhou Shen has been the soundtrack to so many people’s lives and has inspired and support and helped people pull through challenging, difficult times. He himself is an inspiring human being who so many, including me, look to as a role model. This whole incident is surely an example of that.

And:

While we were sad for ourselves, our hearts were right there with Zhou Shen, who bravely stood in front of us to tell us why he made the decision. As others have since pointed out, he could have just made a video. Instead, he came in person, in a cold London night while unwell and let his voice stumble and croak while he cried his way through it all. Not many people could do that.

But:

That's who he is.

So, in conclusion, and on the off chance he ever reads this:

Shenshen, look after yourself. Please rest and recovery fully. May we meet again. Best of luck for the rest of your tour. 加油！

Wala li longla (ah~!) 从月球一瞬移 转场罗马 from the moon, just a blink to Rome Xili yo huala (ah~!) 心愿会解码成 烟花挥洒 decoding every wish in fireworks 变爱德华 或玛格丽塔 exiled Edward? or sainted Margaret? 甜美或辛辣 beauty or bitter, all 快乐没时差 (ah~!) happy hour forevermore Wala li longla

繁星里去涂鸦 找鲸鱼喝杯茶 scribbling amongst the stars / steeping tea with the whales 跨服务器抵达 美梦可以一键带回家 serving up beyond servers / dreams to your doorstep in a click 无所谓复杂 遨游到更浮夸 don't gotta go make things so complicated / a race down bizarre lane 一默念就触发 (drr!) under your breath, here goes

[REPEAT CHORUS #1]

我读取浪花 不只是浪花 i'm scanning these waves / and turning up raves 面包和陨石 同等无价 bread or bolide, both / equally priceless 快乐没时差 happiness, always Wala li longla

我看的永恒 都是一刹那 all the eternity i see / is just a second's space 虚拟与现实 无缝融洽 the virtual and the real / seamless without a trace Wala li longla 快乐最伟大 happiness, above all

Wala li longla (ah~!) 白垩纪跳到 西游记玩耍 from dinosaurs swing / to Monkey Kings Xili yo huala (ah~!) 全世界 随心意 解锁密码 worldwide / heart wide / no more locked doors 管它奇葩 还是没想法 exotic or mindless? who cares 乖张或优雅 eccentric, elegant; anyway Wala li longla (ah~!) Xili yo huala

although it’s true that 记忆商店 (The Memory Store) is my favourite song when it comes down to the meaning of the lyrics, i believe that 警报 (The Giver) is the most impressive from a construction standpoint. jeeeeeeesus christ.

The Giver is absolutely listless with desperation. every bit of it. like, the choice of 提醒 in 提醒你自救 is astounding. 提醒 isn't ‘plead’ or ‘beg’, and although it can be ‘warn’, it’s mainly used as ‘remind’. what. the. hell. juxtaposing something as heavy as 自救 (save yourself) with remind? excuse me????? it's so good; it really enforces how powerless the singer (the AI) is. remind! count! witness! 

at the start, listeners are hit with the technique that i feel characterises the whole song. namely, we’re hit with a first verse composed almost exclusively of epanadiplosis. 

via wikipedia: epanadiplosis is a figure of speech in which the same word is used at the end of a clause as at the beginning of a preceding clause.

using epanadiplosis, it feels like The Giver goes in circles. 感受、 感受； 请求、 请求； 成就、 成就. and even past that: 计算, and 计算 again.* it's a structural representation of not making any progress! not making a change! isn't that cool??? i’m just as (if not more) invested in the construction of this song as i am in the meaning of the lyrics, if nothing else than because of how well it mirrors the message. 

*okay this one's more like diacope, sue me

in that vein, my favourite line in The Giver has to be 我不断 再计算 因为你 不计算 [还能撑多久]; my lackluster translation of this is ‘i count / because you don’t count [/ how much longer you can last]’. it doesn't rhyme, unfortunately, but the diacope is important to me because it conveys that heaving, ineffectual desperation that is my main emotional takeaway from this song. the repetition emphasises but is subtle about it, it tries to be reprimanding but can't hold onto it, it's anxious, it's hopeless. i’m on the floor

i also love 我学会痛 为你而痛 (‘i learn to hurt to hurt for you’). 痛 and 计算 serve the same structural purpose here, isn't that something. what if i died

and, in 我学会痛 为你而痛, there's also a sense of finality. (shakes fist) it's that damn epistrophe! 

via wikipedia: epistrophe is the repetition of the same word or words at the end of successive phrases, clauses or sentences.

Yin Yue maxed out on epistrophe’s efficacy where she chose to use it. take a look at this bit of the chorus:

从借用 到利用 到享用 到滥用 

by 到享用, you can sort of tell how the line’s going to end, right? at least, you know the last character will be ‘用’. look at that! a structural representation of how the singer can predict the outcome of the subject of the song’s trajectory! literally what the shit 

a bit of an aside: i’m still a bit new to chinese music in general, and this song truly hammered into me that chinese is a way better language for isocolons than english. you can count your syllables in english and make it work, but it’s so much neater in chinese. WAY more effective. but saying this makes me sound like i am a fan of the rhetorica ad herennium, which i am not. and i won't elaborate on this because isocolons are such an integral part of chinese songwriting that it feels like saying you have discovered that grass is green.

the way Yin Yue uses language outside of a medium for conveying the textual message is very inspiring. between the epanadiplosis, epistrophe and isocolons, this song is a nightmare to translate.

The Giver starts off very carefully, gingerly, and gets increasingly more pained and panicked. Zhou Shen is too powerful!!!! you can really hear that desperation in the live versions, and the high note he adds at the last line is so good ajfbwjnncncq