#sh:izzy

As time went on, Vaughn continued to be a thorn in my side. In addition to rejecting my ideas, I was right about him replacing my roles on set more and more often.

The hard thing is that my co-workers are talented on their own and do a fine job in the roles they take over. It makes me feel expendable. 

Because the decisions he’s making turn out okay in the end, I feel like there’s not much I can do. It’s not like the channel is going to fall apart without me when I’m just one of many talented people there.

The bright spot in all of this is that the fans are starting to take notice. A lot of people have been leaving comments about my absence, some even wondering if I’m still on the channel. After this goes on for a while, Vaughn throws me a bone and casts me in a video. 

I have to admit it felt pretty good reading the comments and seeing so many people being happy about my return. The whole thing makes me feel more appreciated. That doesn’t solve my problem, though.

Vaughn obviously still dislikes me and wants me gone. Maybe he’s hoping I’ll have enough and leave on my own, but he’s underestimating me. I’m not going without a fight.

I just don’t want to spend the rest of my career sparring with Vaughn while my co-workers thrive in the spotlight. If he were to leave, then my problem would be solved. Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s one to give up easily either.  

By the time we started seriously considering adding to our family, Paul was in his first year as a Resident. He’d decided on Pediatrics as his specialty. This still meant lots of long hours for him.

Rachel was in the daycare at Sunny Side, so I got to see her often. I know it was hard on Paul to be away so much, but he did stop by my work on his lunch break to visit me and Rachel. 

As for me, I had finally transitioned from working behind the scenes as a production assistant at Sunny Side Productions to a role on-camera. I even got to pitch new ideas for videos on the channel, and a few of them got approved.

One idea I was nervous about presenting was the idea of having a podcast. This would give me my own show on the channel and put me more front and center, rather than being just a member of an ensemble.

I worried at first that upper management wouldn’t see me as capable of leading my own show, but my fears turned out to be unfounded as my podcast idea was approved.

We did a few trial runs with different cast members before deciding on who would join me for a permanent role on the show. Ultimately it was decided that Lucy would be my co-host and we would have rotating guests.

Lucy and I worked well together, and after a few years working as a producer, she was itching for more screen-time as well. This would allow her to keep her day job while still getting some time in the spotlight. 

We named our podcast Sunny Side After Dark and we were pleased to see it did well on the channel. People loved our banter, and we got to cover a wide range of topics that viewers found interesting. 

After Lucy's maternity leave started, I ended up on set a lot more. Cammie had joined the team, and we were piloting a new series starring her and the students, who were in their senior year and officially interning at Sunny Side. Damien is big on giving chances to undiscovered talent, so I wasn't surprised that he was giving them a chance to be on camera.

I have to admit, though, that I was a bit envious that my friends got a chance to be in the public eye while I was stuck behind the scenes. After all, I was supposed to be graduating with them, and who's to say I wouldn't have been interning right along with them?

It turns out that didn't matter too much. One day Kelsey was out sick, and our director, Flora, asked me to step in.

I was a bit nervous, but being there with my friends made it a lot easier. Our familiarity with each other meant we were able to keep the jokes flowing with ease. Plus, I was pretty good at the card game we were playing. Before long, Cammie and I were the last two standing.

"What's the matter? Your hand sucks?" Cammie teased as I pondered my final move.

"Hardly," I scoffed. "I'm just trying to see which combination I want to annihilate you with." I placed my chosen cards--a rare spread that would win the game in most cases--on the table with confidence.

"Oh no, Cammie," Chase said. "I don't think you're going to be able to beat that one."

"Let's give her a chance," Lexie interjected. "She crushed us in Don't Wake the Llama last week."

"We all have to lose sometime," was my response. "It looks like that's what Cammie will be doing this week."

We all watched eagerly as Cammie made her final selection, the one that would determine which one of us would walk away with our head held high, and which one would skulk away in shame. As she prepared to put her cards down, an evil grin crept across her face.

"It looks like you're wrong," she countered menacingly. She placed her cards down, and to my dismay, it was a play even more powerful than mine. "I win!" Cammie cackled.

"Wow, well played!" Izzy exclaimed as the others clapped for Cammie's brutal victory.

"Way to go Cammie!" Lexie cheered. "Sorry, Johnny, maybe next time!"

"I guess today was your lucky day," I told Cammie.

"Luck has nothing to do with it," she replied, flipping her hair behind her shoulder. "That was all skill, baby."

After Chase did the outro, Flora had high praise for us. She seemed confident that the audience would love our rapport with each other. I hoped that meant I'd be invited back on camera.

Once the desks arrive for the new work area, I get to work on setting it all up (well, me and a few interns). Lacey helps when she has time, if only to make sure I'm presenting the right aesthetic, which apparently is pretty important when choosing decor for your work station. I think I did pretty good.

We're excited to see that our break area is part of the revamp as well. Right now things seem pretty empty as it's just been me and Lacey in our area until the new staff members arrive. Oh, and Lucy, too, since she has a new office.

But that's all set to change because the new staff is set to arrive any minute now. I'm in Lucy's office and she's filling me in on what I need to know before they get here.

“Damien has always been interested in creating a student program,” she explains. 

“But we already have interns,” I respond, confused.

“We do, but this goes beyond what you’d find in a typical internship,” she replies. “This is part of a collaboration with Del Sol University to help students earn credits and gain some on the job experience at the same time. Plus there's the possibility of being offered a full-time position once they graduate.”

“That sounds like a good opportunity. What exactly will they be doing?”

“A little bit of everything. They’ll learn things in every department and help with some of the smaller tasks. I’ll be supervising them, so I’ll have my own little team now. That's why I wanted to move my office here.”

“Oh, more underlings for you. How exciting!”

“Oh, shut up!” Lucy rolls up a piece of paper and throws it at me, hitting me square in the face.

“This is turning into a hostile work environment!” I shout gleefully, launching the paper ball back at her.

“Take it up with HR." She smirks.

“I’ll be a step above the students though, right?” I ask, returning to the topic at hand. “So I’ll kinda be like their boss.”

“Uh, no,” Lucy corrects me. “But I do need you to show them around, you know, get them acquainted with everything.”

“I guess I can do that.”

“Wasn’t really asking, but good. They’ll be here in about 30 minutes.”

Once we receive word that the students have arrived I make my way to the lobby to greet them. When I open the lobby door I stop dead in my tracks.

Standing in front of me are Chase, Kelsey, Izzy, Donovan, and…Lexie.

“Johnny!” Lexie exclaims in surprise.

“Wait, you’re the PA?” Izzy asks.

“Yep,” I reply, more curtly than I intended. “Well, I guess I’ll give you the tour.”

They follow me through the lobby doors. Our footsteps are the only sound filling the hallway. Beads of sweat form on my hairline and I quickly wipe them away. 

“So are you like our boss?” Chase finally asks.

“Kind of,” I lie. 

We make it to the studio door and I swipe my badge. “I don’t know if you’ll get one of these,” I tell them. "They don’t give them out to just anyone.”

Pretty much everyone here has one, but my insecurity has put me on a bit of a power trip. A familiar feeling lately.

Once we’re on set, the group starts chatting about how cool it is. It wasn’t that long ago that I was in their spot, looking around this room in awe. Now it was just another room in the building. I guess that's progress.

Lacey and Lilly are rehearsing on one of the sets. They spot us and head over.

“Hey, Johnny!” They call.

“Hey! These are my friends Lacey and Lilly,” I tell the students.

“Oh, the students!” Lilly says excitedly. “I love when we get new staff members.”

“You’re gonna love it here!” Lacey tells them.

“I can’t believe we’re actually meeting you two!” Lexie gushes. Our eyes meet for a second and I look away abruptly. The image of her tear-stained face as she told me she couldn't be my girlfriend anymore replays in my mind every time I look at her.

“Yeah, we watch your videos all the time!” Kelsey adds. “Johnny can tell you.” Chase nudges them with his elbow.

Lacey raises her eyebrows. “Johnny, you know them?”

Everyone quiets down really quickly. “Yeah,” I say. “I was at DSV with them for a bit.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were a student!”

“Uh, well, I’m not anymore. College wasn’t really for me.”

It starts to fall silent again, but Izzy quickly intervenes.

“Well, we loved the Voidcritters video you just put out,” he tells Lacey and Lilly. “The costumes were amazing!”

They start discussing the video and I zone out, hoping that Lucy will appear so I can go somewhere and gather my thoughts. Luckily she walks in the studio while Lilly is still explaining the symbolism behind her costume.

“Oh, here you are!” Lucy says as she walks towards us. “I see Johnny is giving you guys the grand tour.”

“Yeah, I was. But I just remembered something I need to do for Damien. Are you able to take over?”

“Sure, no problem!” Lucy agrees. “It’s probably for the best, there’s no telling what this guy will tell you!”

Everyone laughs politely, like they don't already know exactly what I'm capable of. 

I exit the studio and go into the nearest bathroom. I splash my face with water, taking deep breaths as I do.

As I pat my face dry, I think to myself, It’s going to be okay. You can get through this. 

I pull out my phone and shoot a text to Khadija asking if my next appointment can be moved up. Luckily, she has an appointment available for this afternoon.

The next time I arrive at work, I remind myself that I need to be an adult about this whole situation. I figure I should start by admitting to Lexie and the others that I exaggerated my importance at the company. Before I can get settled in, though, I get a text from Lucy asking to see me in her office. 

“Hey, how’d it go with your new minions?” I ask. I can tell by the annoyance on her face that my joke didn’t land.

“I wanted to talk to you about that, actually.” Uh oh. I realize I might actually be in trouble.

“Sure, what about?”

“Did you tell the students that you’re their boss?” She folds her arms across her chest.

“Oh yeah, I did say that, but I’m going to tell them I was just joking.”

“Well, joking around is fine, but misrepresenting your role goes a step too far. I needed you to help them get acquainted with their new workplace, not confuse them about the chain of command.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it would be such a big deal.”

“It’s not just that, though. I didn’t mind finishing up the tour for you, but there were other things I needed you to do yesterday and you were nowhere to be found. When I asked Damien what you were doing for him, he said he hadn’t given you any assignments. This isn’t like you, Johnny. What’s going on?”

I don’t know what to say. I know I dropped the ball, but I also don’t want to have to explain why I dipped out like I did. “I really am sorry,” I tell her. “I know it’s not an excuse, but I was feeling really anxious about something and I needed to step away.”

I can see her face soften a bit. “Look, I’m sorry that you were struggling yesterday,” she responds. “Mental health should always be a priority, but I really need you to communicate these things to me. If you need to take some time to yourself or you need a mental health day, please just let me know.”

For some reason it never occurred to me that I could have just talked to her about it. “Okay, I’ll make sure to come to you next time,” I promise. “I’m sorry I let you down. Whatever you need from me today I’ll do it. Actually, I was going to ask about getting security badges for the students. I, uh, might’ve made it sound like they weren’t important enough to get one.”

Lucy exhales loudly through her nose. “Yes, I’ll put in a request. I’ll let you know when they’re ready.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“And Johnny, I know you can do better than this. Don’t get in your own way.”

Once the badges are ready, I deliver them to the students.

“I thought you said we wouldn’t get one of these?” Izzy asks.

“Yeah, I was just trying to make myself seem important,” I admit. “Just like when I said I’m kind of your boss. I don’t actually have any authority here, but if you ever need something I’ll do what I can to help.”

“Johnny, you don’t have to impress us,” Lexie says gently.

“Yeah,” Donovan adds. “We all think it’s cool that you got a job here.”

“Well, I’m sorry for lying. I know you probably heard about some of the stuff I was getting into over the summer and I didn’t want you to think I was still a fuck up.”

“Hey, man, we never thought you were,” Chase tells me. “We were mostly just worried about you.”

“Yeah, we were all relieved to see you’re doing so well,” Kelsey chimes in.

All I can do is smile and nod. I’m afraid if I say anything, I’ll start crying. Not because I’m sad, though. I feel happy that I have so many people in my life that care about me. Even if things are awkward for a while, I feel like everything might actually be okay.

Lexie: I have to say, I’m having a really great time!

Izzy: The straights just don’t do it like we do.

Kelsey: That’s for damn sure! So, how are you feeling about everything?

Lexie: I’m still not sure. Like, this is fun but I don’t know if a night out dancing is going to make it any easier to break Johnny’s heart.

Izzy: Do you see anybody you’re interested in?

Lexie: I’ve seen a couple of girls I’d like to talk to, but I feel weird about flirting with someone when I’m still in a relationship.

Kelsey: You don’t have to act on anything. It doesn’t hurt to flirt a bit. 

Lexie: I don’t know, I already feel like the worst person in the world for doing all of this behind his back. He doesn’t even know what’s going on.

Kelsey: Well, whatever you’re comfortable with. 

Lexie: I’ll be right back, I’m going to the bathroom.

Kelsey: Ok, don’t do anything we wouldn’t do!

Lexie: Ha! You wish.

[Lexie is washing her hands when someone in the bathroom recognizes her]

Liz: Hey, I know you from somewhere.

Lexie: Oh, you’re Chantal’s friend, right? I’m dating her brother.

Liz: Is that so? What are you doing here?

Lexie: My friends invited me out. 

Liz: Oh, that’s too bad. I thought maybe you were having a gay awakening or something. I was going to shoot my shot.

Lexie: Really? With me?

Liz: Duh, you’re, like, really hot.

Lexie: Well, uh, thanks. You’re pretty hot yourself.

Liz: Hmm, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were flirting with me. But…you have a boyfriend.

Lexie: Boyfriend. Right. I-I have one of those.

Liz: You know…what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. We can have a little fun together if you want.

Lexie: I-I can’t. I wouldn’t do that to him.

Liz: [murmuring into Lexie's ear] But you want to, don’t you?

Lexie: I--[Lexie begins to protest but her voice trails off as Liz moves in closer]

[Liz kisses Lexie. Against her better judgment, Lexie finds herself kissing Liz back]

Liz: Still thinking about your boyfriend?

Lexie: I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.

Liz: Too bad. You know where to find me when you change your mind.

[Lexie returns to Kelsey and Izzy]

Lexie: Hey, thanks for inviting me out but I think I’m gonna call it a night.

Kelsey: Is everything ok?

Lexie: Yeah, there’s just something I need to do.

[Lexie is outside studying by the pool. She’s staring at Cece, who is sunbathing. Johnny approaches her.]

Johnny: Hey, whatcha doing?

Lexie: Oh, nothing, I just zoned out. 

Johnny: What’s on your mind?

Lexie: Do you think we have a good sex life? Like are you satisfied?

Johnny: Wait, is this because of the conversation we had with our friends the other day?

Lexie: [nervously] Huh? What do you mean?

Johnny: Because I said I could see myself possibly being attracted to a guy. That doesn’t bother you or something, does it?

Lexie: Oh, no, I don’t care about that. It’s pretty obvious you’re attracted to me.

Johnny: Ok, so what made you bring up our sex life?

Lexie: Nothing, I was just feeling a little insecure. I think I’m going to walk over to Izzy and Kelsey’s. I told them I’d stop by today.

Johnny: Okay, I’m about to head over to my mom’s for her birthday party, so I guess I’ll see you later.

[Lexie walks to Izzy and Kelsey’s apartment]

Lexie: It’s just everything you were saying about compulsory heterosexuality aligned with how I’ve been feeling about Johnny. 

Kelsey: So you think you might be gay?

Lexie: I don’t know. Like, sex is okay, but I don’t feel what everyone else describes. I just feel empty, then I feel guilty for feeling empty because it seems to mean so much to him.

Izzy: Could you be asexual?

Lexie: I don’t think so. At first I thought maybe I could be. I’ve never really gotten butterflies around anyone...but then that changed.

Kelsey: I’m assuming it’s not Johnny you’re talking about.

Lexie: No. It’s so awful. I feel like the worst person in the world.

Izzy: Lexie, you can’t help the way you feel.

Kelsey: Yeah, you didn’t know. Who is it that you’re attracted to?

Lexie: That’s why it’s so horrible. It’s his sister, Cece.

Kelsey: Oh, Lexie. 

Lexie: I know. I couldn’t figure out why I hated her boyfriend or why I felt so hurt when she didn’t want to spend time with me. But I think it’s because I felt like she was choosing him over me. Which is silly because she’s straight, and I’m dating her brother.

Izzy: So what are you going to do?

Lexie: I feel like I should break up with him, but what if I’m wrong?

Kelsey: I know you care about Johnny, but do you think you could ever feel the same way about him that he does about you?

Lexie: Probably not. Ugh, this sucks! He’s going to be so heartbroken. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. He means so much to me.

Izzy: If he means so much, then I’m sure you want him to be with someone who can truly love him. He won’t get that chance if you keep stringing him along.

Lexie: [sighing] You’re right.

Kelsey: Look, I know this is a lot to process. You don’t have to do anything right now. Why don’t you come with us to a gay club this weekend? 

Izzy: Yeah, maybe being out in the community will help you feel less anxious about everything.

Lexie: I guess I can give it a try.

The next story post contains the following trigger warnings: C-PTSD, PTSD, child abuse. There is also a gif in the post. The post is tagged for the triggers and "gif warning." There is no graphic imaging in the post, but use your discretion if those topics are triggering to you.