#tmbtp:part1chapter2

When we get to the starting point of the hiking trail, I browse the brochure that I picked up from the lodge as Paul snaps more pics of the snow to send to the girls.

I see that the trail he picked is one of the less intensive ones, and I’m grateful that it’ll be more of a leisurely stroll. Paul could easily handle something for more experienced hikers, but he wouldn’t want to put me in a situation I wasn’t prepared for. 

“Wait ‘til we get to the first bridge,” he tells me excitedly. “You’ll love the view.”

The view from the bridge is impressive indeed. I find myself in awe of my surroundings, and think about how there’s so much of the world I haven’t seen. 

“You never really told me about your previous trip here,” I mention to Paul.

“Oh, I haven’t? Well, Lucy, Danica, and I decided we wanted to climb to the top of Mt. Komorebi. We practiced climbing at home for a while, then we came here after Danica and I finished undergrad.”

“Was it much of an adjustment to climb in the snow?” 

“For sure. The cold made our hands numb, and it was a bit more slippery.”

“But you made it to the top, right?”

“Yeah, we did. On one of the easier trails.”

“Well, you still made it. I bet it was a good feeling.”

“It was. Do you want to give it a try?”

“Ha ha. I’m good.” 

“You should try one of the smaller climbs at least.”

“Hmm, maybe.” With my proven track record of failed climbs, I’m not sure about his suggestion. Do I really need to embarrass myself on another mountain?

As we continue on the trail, I start feeling better about leaving the girls. It’s nice to have an experience alone with Paul, something that’s just ours. It’s been so long since we’ve had that. I start to feel nostalgic for the beginning of our relationship, when we were young and free of the responsibilities of parenthood. Not a feeling of regret, but more of a realization that we truly needed this time to ourselves. 

“I’m glad we’re in such a good place with each other,” I say after a moment of silence. “We’ve both been putting so much effort into repairing things. It’s nice that it just feels natural again, you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I do. Relationships always take work, but I don’t feel like it’s a struggle right now.”

“We’ve both learned a lot. I’ve learned to be more open.”

“And I’ve learned to be more patient and present. I’m really sorry that I haven’t always been mindful of your trauma and how it impacts your daily life.”

“I appreciate that. And I’m sorry that I sometimes expected you to read my mind.”

“No, I should’ve been more receptive to your needs.”

“Well, what matters is you are now. We can’t change the past, but we can make better decisions for our relationship in the future.”

When we get to the end of the trail, Paul kisses me gently on the cheek. “I’m really glad we’re here,” he says softly.

“Me, too.”

After the hike, we settle into the lodge for lunch and a nap. Afterward, we decide to visit the onsen bathhouse.

We both shower before we enter the onsen springs. With the steam surrounding us, we both feel warm and happy. It’s hard not to take advantage of the time alone. We kiss a bit, and I’m overtaken by the moment. 

I straddle his lap and kiss him some more. I stop myself from taking things further–we are in a public place, after all, and though I find the thought of getting caught a bit exhilarating, I don’t want to be disrespectful. “I think we should go back to the lodge,” I suggest with a sly smile. 

“Sounds good to me.”

One good thing about my feud with Vaughn is that my coworkers have my back. I’ve worked with them for years, so they’re just as upset about how I’m being treated as I am. Unfortunately, Vaughn isn’t moved by their loyalty to me. If anything, it just makes him hate me more.

“He’s just jealous,” Lexie tells me one day during lunch. She’s one of my oldest friends here, so she’s definitely someone I can trust.

“That’s what everyone says when someone has it out for another person. Sometimes it’s just pure hatred.” I trust Lexie’s opinion, but I have to admit that she’s biased.

“Maybe, but he has a lot of reasons to envy you,” Lexie’s girlfriend Cammie points out.

“Oh? Why is that?” My ego could use a boost, so I’m happy to hear whatever she has to say.

“Well, you have a lot of friends here. Way more than Vaughn. And the viewers really like you.”

“Yeah, he’s probably upset that he never made it in front of the camera,” Lexie concurs. “Meanwhile, you went from a PA to a cast member pretty quickly.”

That is true. While Vaughn appeared briefly in a couple of our videos, he just doesn’t have the charisma it takes to be on-air talent. His job is pretty cushy, but there’s something special about making it onto the cast. A lot of people long for the spotlight, and I don’t doubt that Vaughn is one of them. 

“So what do I do?” Everyone’s view of Vaughn so far has been accurate, but their insights haven’t changed anything.

“There has to be a way to get him out,” Lexie muses. 

“I don’t want to play any games, though. I’d rather not stoop to his level.”

“Good idea,” Cammie says. “Honestly, I think it’s only a matter of time before Vaughn ruins things for himself. Jealousy is an ugly trait, and he’s bound to let it get to him.”

“That’s what my sister said.” Everyone is probably right; if Vaughn is that threatened by me, then it’s only a matter of time before he takes things too far. I’m not exactly excited about getting caught on the other end of it, though. Who knows how far he’ll be willing to take things. 

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This whole work situation is starting to weigh on me. I really don’t want Vaughn to get in my head like this, but it’s hard to relax when you feel like you’re on the chopping block. I’m worried my stress is going to affect the progress Paul and I have made while working on our marriage.

Luckily, Paul has been very sympathetic about everything, but I know my dour mood has been a bit of a downer.

“Dad, I can’t find my homework,” Rachel is telling me, having just searched through a pile of scattered papers. 

“Where did you last see it?”

“I don’t know. You have to help me find it.”

I start sifting through the pile of half-finished drawings and junk mail. “I don’t see it, are you sure it’s not in your room?”

Before Rachel can answer, Chelsea approaches, crying.

“What’s wrong?” I ask her as I scoop her into my arms.

“I want Papa!” Paul is still at work for another half hour. 

“He’ll be here soon,” I assure her. She’s not comforted by the thought of another 30 minutes without Paul. To be honest, neither am I.

Rachel and I eventually stumble upon her missing homework–in her room, just as I suspected. Chelsea gets distracted by some kids show on TV. By the time Paul finally arrives home, the girls are settled, but I’m still in disarray.

“What’s going on?” Paul asks me as he settles in.

“Nothing now. Just a couple of small crises. Nothing you need to worry about.”

“You seem stressed.” Paul pulls me in for an embrace. I can feel how tense I am.

“I am.”

“Work?”

“Everything.”

“Hmm. You know what I think you need?”

“A lobotomy?”

Paul laughs. “I was thinking more along the lines of a vacation.”

“I don’t know, traveling can be such a hassle with the kids, and–”

“I meant just you and me. I think it’ll do us some good. What do you think?”

Getting away for a few days sounds heavenly. We’ve never left the girls like that, but maybe some time alone is what we need.

“Where do you want to go?”

“Maybe Mt. Komorebi? I haven’t been in a while, and you said you’d like to visit sometime.”

“It would be nice to see some snow. Let’s do it!”

“Great! I’m sure Hollis wouldn’t mind staying here for a few days while we’re gone.”

I start feeling better about things knowing I’ll get some time away from work. At least Vaughn can’t bother me in Mt. Komorebi.

“Vaughn sounds like a huge jerk,” Chantal tells me. I’ve just filled her in on the argument I had with my new boss.

“He is. But you don’t think he’s right, though, do you?”

“About what?”

“About everything. Maybe my ideas are trash. And I do have two in-laws as my bosses. Maybe there is some favoritism going on.”

“Look, at the end of the day, the numbers don’t lie. Did the videos you pitched perform well?”

“Yeah, they did.”

“Then that’s all you need to know. Maybe Vaughn is going to run the channel into the ground due to his own personal grudge against you.”

“Maybe. But I can’t help but feel like there’s a kernel of truth to what he’s saying.”

“I get it. But let me assure you that Damien is a businessman first and foremost. He knows what he’s doing. If he didn’t see your talent, then you wouldn’t be there.”

“That makes me feel better. But I don’t want to run to him with complaints about Vaughn. I want to solve this on my own.”

“Can you, though? This guy seems to have it out for you. People like that won’t let you succeed no matter how good you are.”

“Maybe it’s like what you said and he’ll ruin things for himself. Anyway, let’s talk about something else. How’s the pregnancy going?”

“It’s going well.” Chantal rubs her belly lovingly. “Little miss is active just like her mommy. She keeps me up at night with her kicking.”

“I can’t wait to meet her! I hope she lets you get some sleep, though.”

Chantal laughs. “I hope so, too!” She puts a hand on my shoulder. “Everything’s going to work out how it’s supposed to with work. Don’t let it get to you too much, okay?”

“I’ll try my best.”

Having Vaughn at the helm went pretty well–for a while. Before long, though, he was back to his old ways of dismissing me.

It started out innocent enough–a denial here and there was to be expected; after all, not every idea is a winner. Before long, however, I started to suspect he had it out for me specifically.

Watching my co-worker’s ideas come to life on the screen while mine stayed planted firmly in my head was getting to me. I’m a creative person, so not having an outlet was discouraging. I decided to talk things out with Vaughn man to man.

“I can’t help but feel like you don’t like me,” I tell him after our morning meeting, where he shut me down once more.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he replies. Even his denial of disliking me is dismissive. “It’s nothing personal. Sometimes your ideas aren’t going to make it past the pitch.”

“Sometimes I can understand. But every time?”

“Look, I don’t want to be rude here,” he begins. He pushes his glasses up with his index finger. “I would use any pitch I felt would be good for the channel. So far, yours haven’t been up to standard.”

“That’s bullshit, Vaughn.” My voice is rising and my co-workers are starting to take notice of our discussion. “If my ideas are so bad, how come my pitches made it to filming when Lucy was here?”

“I think you know why.”

“Oh? Enlighten me.”

“Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that having your sister-in-law as your boss grants you certain privileges.”

“That’s not fair. Lucy has been my boss since way before I married her brother, and she’s always supported me.”

“Yeah, because you’re friends. Lucy is a great person, but she doesn’t know how to separate her work from her personal life.”

“If that’s the case, then why did she get promoted?”

“That’s another can of worms. This place is rampant with favoritism. Let’s not forget our CEO is also related to you. You guys are all bumping elbows outside of the workplace, so it’s no wonder certain people get rewarded and others don’t.”

“Says the guy who just got a promotion.”

“Yeah, well, I interviewed for the Executive Producer position as well. This was my consolation prize. I knew it would be Lucy all along. Anyway, I’ve said too much. The last thing I need is you running to our bosses trying to get me fired.”

“I’m not going to do that. I’m just asking you to consider some of my pitches every once in a while.”

“I will once you give me a good one.” Vaughn turns and walks away, leaving me standing in the middle of the room with all eyes on me. 

One thing Paul and I wanted to do once we began reconnecting was to go back to the mountain where we’d met. We hiked there a lot during the first few years of our relationship, but our visits had gotten sporadic since we became parents.

The girls had never been, so we decided it would be a nice family outing to see where their parents met. It would be good for Paul and me to remember that moment as well. We set out on a Saturday morning.

“There it is,” Paul says excitedly when we arrived at the base of the mountain. Just before the start of the hiking trail was the place where we’d first laid eyes on each other over a decade ago. I had no idea that the guy whose hand I was shaking would one day take my hand in marriage.

“It looks just the same,” I comment. One good thing about having our first meeting in nature was that it is relatively untouched by the hands of humans. Restaurants may close and buildings shut down, but the mountain is forever.

We make our way up the winding trail, me holding Chelsea and Rachel trailing behind us. We show them the cliff of the mountain we both climbed up, or at least where I tried to–Paul had to help me up. Rachel asks if I want to try again and I decline with a laugh.

I’m surprised when we make it all the way to the end of the trail without Chelsea begging to be put down so she could explore. Once at the top, though, I set her down, and we keep a close eye on our little wanderer. 

Chelsea is too little to understand exactly why we’re here, but Rachel is curious. “What did you think of Papa?” she asks me.

I laugh. “Well, I was a bit jealous,” I admit.

“Jealous? Why?”

“He was getting a lot of attention for climbing the mountain so easily,” I explain. “I thought I was jealous of him, but I think I just didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of him.”

“Did you?”

“A little bit, yeah.”

“I thought it was cute,” Paul reassures me. “I was totally smitten that day.”

“You liked Daddy?” Rachel questions.

“I did. I didn’t think I had a chance with him, though.”

“But you got married anyway.”

“We sure did. Against all odds,” Paul grins at me.

We don’t stay long–the girls get restless easily and we knew we had to make it back down the mountain–but it was a nice little adventure that brought us back to the beginning. Things were a lot less complicated those days, but it gave me hope that we could get back to where we started (a little older and wiser).

As time went on, Vaughn continued to be a thorn in my side. In addition to rejecting my ideas, I was right about him replacing my roles on set more and more often.

The hard thing is that my co-workers are talented on their own and do a fine job in the roles they take over. It makes me feel expendable. 

Because the decisions he’s making turn out okay in the end, I feel like there’s not much I can do. It’s not like the channel is going to fall apart without me when I’m just one of many talented people there.

The bright spot in all of this is that the fans are starting to take notice. A lot of people have been leaving comments about my absence, some even wondering if I’m still on the channel. After this goes on for a while, Vaughn throws me a bone and casts me in a video. 

I have to admit it felt pretty good reading the comments and seeing so many people being happy about my return. The whole thing makes me feel more appreciated. That doesn’t solve my problem, though.

Vaughn obviously still dislikes me and wants me gone. Maybe he’s hoping I’ll have enough and leave on my own, but he’s underestimating me. I’m not going without a fight.

I just don’t want to spend the rest of my career sparring with Vaughn while my co-workers thrive in the spotlight. If he were to leave, then my problem would be solved. Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s one to give up easily either.  

“And how do you feel hearing that, Johnny?”

Our couple’s therapist, Autumn, is looking at me with a grin on her face that belies the seriousness of the situation that preceded her question.

Paul has just said that it’s hard to know how I’m feeling because I tend to lie and say things are fine when they aren’t.

“I don’t know,” I answer finally. Not an effective response, but it’s the most truthful one I can come up with at the moment.

“You don’t know?” Autumn is still grinning. I’m beginning to feel angry. I like her, but why does she have to sit there with that dopey smile on her face while my world is falling down around me? 

I’m directing my anger in the wrong place again. I know I’m angry at Paul, even though what he said was true. Or maybe I’m angry at myself, because it’s my fault that he’s right. Either way, I know Autumn is just trying to be positive. Her chipperness doesn’t always bother me, just when things start getting too real.

“No, I don’t,” I say. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Autumn assures me. “It’s okay if you don’t know how to feel, but let’s explore that.”

I realize I’m doing the exact same thing Paul just called me out for. “Actually, I lied. I do know how I feel. I’m angry.”

I can see Paul’s mouth twist and I know he’s biting the inside of his lip, something he does when he’s uncomfortable.

“At me,” he says, more of a statement than a question.

“No,” I respond. “God, I’m doing it again. Yes, I’m angry with you.”

“Why does what Paul said make you angry?” Autumn questions. 

“Because he knows why I’m the way I am, and…” My voice trials off. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. Why does talking about my feelings have to be so hard? “It’s not fair that I have to deal with all of these feelings from my fucked up childhood and he doesn’t have to do that.” That isn’t where I expected that sentence to go, but I can’t take it back now.

“You’re right, it’s not fair,” Paul replies quietly. “But it’s also not my fault.”

I feel guilty that I’ve made my issues Paul’s problem once again. “I know I’m angry at the wrong person, but I can’t help how I feel.”

“It might not feel like it right now, but that’s a good first step,” Autumn tells me. “You acknowledged your feelings and you’re aware that your anger might be displaced. Now that you’ve done that, you can break down where those feelings are coming from.”

“Yeah, I guess.” I shrug. Part of me is worried that I’m going to keep making the same mistakes. What good does it do to know you’re doing something wrong if you don’t know how to stop? I guess that’s why we’re here, though. 

“Look, I am genuinely very sorry that you went through what you did,” Paul says, leaning towards me. “I’m here to support you anyway I can, but you’ve got to meet me halfway. I’m not your enemy.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m not really angry at you, just the situation.”

“Great job communicating with each other. Unfortunately, that’s all the time we have for today.”

It’s always awkward when the session ends before we’ve really settled anything. I suppose it’s not always that easy. By the time we leave, though, I don’t feel angry anymore. I guess that’s something.