#separate journeys

Reflection is a big part of moving forward, it helps to clarify learned tasks and information and helps the development of skills, knowledge and ultimately power (of the mind, not magical).

When I reflect back on our time together, lately there hasn't been much positivity that springs to mind. I'm trying to find it, but that's not what's surfacing for me.

I asked why you loved me 2 nights ago, and I still can't think of anything more than "you'll be there if I'm in trouble", like you're my guard dog. That's not fair.

I'm not sleeping when I'm next to you. I'm pleased I'm on a night shift because I may get some undisturbed rest here, albeit minimal.

I don't find you attractive. We both started the gym in February, but I think I was more committed than you at the time. I stopped in April to take care of our children over the holiday (it would have been a waste of money as I was unable to go) but you gave up on it.

You said you were happy in your body yesterday. I don't know how to look at you and not find you unattractive right now.

There are other things that I can't tell you, but I know I need to tell you. It's just about finding the right words, the right time. Having the energy to defend my opinions and findings, because I'm so exhausted from everything.

Not everything, but most of the things that you do I find irritating at the moment. You tell me you'll do something and then stand 'buffering' for a few minutes before getting started. I don't need a running commentary of your day step by step, I just need to know that these are going to get done at a suitable rate.

I don't sit down most days, I don't have the time, but you always manage to find the time to sit in front of the TV. I expect the house didn't get mopped tonight like you said it would, but was Line of Duty good?

I know I could be better. I know we should be better. We've been down this path before where we don't communicate and the volcano eventually erupts. I think the children are picking up on my emotions. They certainly hear my rants and comments about you. I don't mean to be like that, I'm just frustrated.

You're so caught up in your bubble of your work sucks, you don't have this and that, and you need this and that, that I feel that you forget I'm here running myself flat every single day to make things much easier for everyone else.

When you tell me you've 'squared up' to someone at work my mind goes into over drive panicking in case you lose your job - where can I pick up hours to cover your half of everything?

We are meant to be a partnership, but I just feel like we are roommates (literally) right now. Something has to change because I don't think we'll make it this time, and I really want us to.