#sentidrien

It makes sense in hindsight. The Graham de Vanily sisters are close, when two young girls joint by the hip and two adult mothers, sharing everything with each other. It makes sense to his young mind that they’d share their children as well.

 He doesn’t mind having Adrien as a cousin nor as a twin really. The Graham the Vanily sisters are as close when adults as they once were children. Felix can only hope that he and Adrien can follow their example.

***

 “Do it again, do it again!” Adrien insists and Felix smiles at his enthusiasm. 

“Okay, but this is the last time.” It’s a lie and they both know it, he’d gladly perform magic tricks for Adrien until the time he leaves if asked. Magic tricks are something that fascinate Felix, all the spectacle of the performers, the awed looks of the watchers are amazing but what he really likes are the secret mechanisms that makes people believe something extraordinary is happening.; a shortcut to actual magic. So you can imagine his excitement when his father told him he’d start teaching him a few. He takes another tied rope and holds it up so that Adrien can see it. Then with utmost care, folds the rope unto itself in a way that the there are two nots interloped with each other and he covers the second one with his fingers so that Adrien doesn’t see it. He takes the scissors and cuts the rope and puts it in his mouth, it’s something both for distraction and suspense and so he can hide the cut piece of rope under his tongue. When he takes the rest of the rope out of his mouth, it looks like the rope is restored. 

“Wow!” Adrien’s mouth forms and O. “How do you do it?”

Felix smiles. “That’s for me to know. Your job is to be dazzled. ” 

Adrien pouts. “You said you’d teach me!”

“If you beat me at chess.” Felix reminds him of their deal. It’s a good deal because he knows he’d win. Adrien is always too quick, so quick that he acts without thinking. His moves are always shortsighted.

Adrien folds his arms. “It’s not fair though. You’re so good!” Felix sits a little bit straighter at the compliment. “And I don’t have anyone to practice with…”

Seeing Adrien upset is always tedious. He looks like a cat that had his milk taken away and is now looking at you with big, bulging, shining eyes. Felix can never deal with cats, so he needs to fix it. “Hey, how about we pull a trick on your gorilla?”

 Adrien’s eyes start shining like emerald. His horrid chess skills and unlearned magic tricks forgotten. He’s always up for playing with Felix, especially when they’re up for ‘mischief’ as his mother calls it. Felix can always count on him on that department. 

“Yeah!” He stumbles into his feet. “Let’s do it!”

See? Adrien’s the best. 

“Alright then, we’ll have to fix your hair.” He starts tousling Adrien’s hair in an effort to straighten it up. Adrien makes an annoyed noise and tries to get away from under his arms but Felix’s other arm holds him tightly. Felix has to stop himself from laughing. It’s a game the two of them always play and the real pride comes when they manage to not get fooled into getting tricked. 

“Ah! Felix, Let me go? Why can’t we just mess up your hair? ”

“Because yours is easier.”  Felix lies. Their hair is as similar as it can get, it would take the same amount of effort into making it look like the other’s, which is not much to begin with. They can change it up to look like each other’s with a sweep of their hand. Felix’s exaggerated movements may be just a little bit intentional.

“No it’s not! Let go of me! Ah Felix! I hate you…”

And he can’t hold back his laughter anymore. “No, you don’t.”

***

   Emilie Agreste nee Graham de Vanily (and Felix always thought her maiden name fitted her much better.) is an image of perfection, with a fountain of golden her, a rosy smile and a symmetrical face, a face that’s currently trying its best to not distort in a fit of laughter. Her presence is like sugar in the air. She looks completely out of place besides-

 “I cannot believe the two of you thought this was funny.” Uncle Gabriel says, voice flat with disinterest and face twisted into an ugly grimace while simultaneously betraying no. It’s a paradox and really an interesting one considering that he didn’t even care enough to realize he’d been spending the entire weekend with his wife’s nephew (It’s Aunt Emilie that figures it out.). It doesn’t surprise him though. The man never spends time with the two of them, not in any way that matters, at best he joins them at dinner, and that’s only due to Aunt Emilie’s insistence. 

 Felix only raises a brow at his uncle’s question, his lips curling into a smile; just to see what Uncle Gabriel’s reaction would be. The man’s frown deepens and somehow he still looks like a wooden scarecrow. Sometimes, Felix wonders if Uncle Gabriel can emote at all.

“It was a little funny though, wasn’t it dear?” Aunt Emilie gives out her bell like laugh. 

 “No, my love,” Times like this, are the only moments that Felix is convinced Uncle is human (He still looks ugly though.)  “I thought it was juvenile and irresponsible.” 

Ire rises within Felix and he opens his mouth but then the doors open. He straightens up and looks back to see his parents and a very bashful Adrien enter. His mother hugs him while Aunt Emilie does the same with her son (a second round of bell like laughter escapes her.) Felix’s attention is on his father though. The man is looking down on him and he looks mad and impressed at the same time. It’s another Paradox, but unlike Uncle Gabriel’s, this is something Felix has to live with everyday. 

“Do not ever do it again.” Uncle Gabriel says and he may seem worried but Felix knows better. He’s just upset that he’s been fooled. If he really cared about Adrien, he wouldn’t ruin his and Aunt Emilie’s chance of spending Christmas with their extended family just because he couldn’t leave his stupid work.  If he cared, he would have noticed something was amiss with his supposed son. 

 Adrien, the poor dumb dear just looks happy his father is hugging him. 

Once they’re in the car his father looks at him from the rearview mirror. “Whose idea was it?” 

Felix bites the inside of his cheeks in trepidation. His father doesn’t wait for a response. “Of course it was you. Adrien would never come up with things like this.” 

 Something ugly twists in his guts. It was true but not quiet. The idea was theirs. Adrien really wanted to spend the holidays in London, and the solution was easy really, Felix never minded spending more time with his aunt, so it would be a win-win situation. But saying any of this, defending himself by saying this was more for Adrien’s sake would be useless.

 Instead, he turns to his mother. “He never even suspected anything.” Because what other thing could he do then changing the subject. “Uncle Gabriel. He wasn’t even around enough to notice. Aunt Emilie figured it out. He’s horrible.”

Father snorts and mother makes a noise of disapproval. “Felix!”

“What? He is! Aunt Emilie deserves better.”

Mother hums. “Well… my sister deserves the very best in the world and Gabriel… isn’t it. So you’re right about that, but I don’t think horrible is the right word here.” 

 Felix doesn’t acknowledge her answer; instead, he looks at the window, avoiding both of their eyes. 

***

His father looks at him like a raptor judging its prey. Felix stares back unflinchingly. Father sighs and hands him back the second place kung fu medal.  “You need to do better Felix.”

“I will.”

Father eyes him with doubt and that hurts more than his chiding. “I head Adrien has gotten first place in junior fencing competition.”

Well that’s what Uncle Gabriel wanted and obeying him is Adrien’s only personality.  He doesn’t say it, mother says things like this are cruel; he can’t help but think them though. 

“I will do better.” He insists.

Father smiles and Felix is thrown into another paradox. “Don’t think that I’m not proud of you, I am. You trained hard. I just want you to reach your full potential. Believe me Felix, you will need it one day. You need to be strong. You are fragile-” There he goes. He always acts like Felix is one step away from breaking, Felix never feels more made from marble than these moments. “You are not like everyone else Felix, one day, I won’t be here and you’ll have to take care of yourself.” He kneels down and cups Felix’s cheeks. “I can’t stand the thought of something happening to you. Your mother would be devastated.”

Felix’s chest tightens. He doesn’t have many people he cares about, people he knows he loves without any doubts and other than Adrien and Aunt Emilie, mother is the most important one, the center of his world. The thought of anything upsetting her makes his stomach churn; even though, he knows how nonsensical it is. He isn’t in any danger, he isn’t fragile, his father never explains what he means by these words.

Felix feels guilty anyway. 

And guilt is one destructive force, one that Felix always tries to avoid it. The best way, really is to stay away from situations that would warrant it.

So he promises with all of his conviction that he’d get first place next time.

“I know you will.” Father smiles. “Now come on. I’ll teach you that card trick you always wanted to learn.”

***

“He should go outside more.” He hears mother say. 

“He’s fine honey.” Father replies. “He and Adrien are very close.”

“Adrien lives in Paris!”

“And yet he’s the only one that he needs. Believe me honey. Adrien’s the only one that can ever understand him.”

Now there is some truths to his father’s words. Him and Adrien are close and Adrien is the only one Felix can call friend, he likes it this way, him and Adrien are different of course, they were family, twins even (Felix is even more sure about it as he gets older). It’s not the same as friends who aren’t family and he knows it. He never felt the need for friendships like that though. He’s always been invited to play dates and as he grows up to parties but he never grasps why. He never gets what makes those events fun, the entire time he feels like observing a herd of animals through a window, trying to understand how he’s supposed to act like them and why.

So yes, his father is right; but it stills niggles at very uncomfortable places within him. Adrien’s the only person that can ever understand him. What does father even mean by that? That there’s something so fundamentally wrong with Felix that only Adrien can tolerate him? Take him in chunk size bites?  

***

“He’s not coming?” Felix’s features are schooled (a thing his father always insists on) but within him is a bubbling rage. “It’s your birthday!” Technically, it’s their birthday, but he doesn’t expect Uncle Gabriel to care about that detail. 

“It’s okay Felix. I’m alright.” Felix can barely stop himself from scoffing. He’s even angrier and he’s confused to why, at his uncle for refusing to leave his stupid, ugly office for one day? At Adrien’s horrible lying skills? He cannot even hide how upset he is!

 “It’s nothing really.” Adrien reassures him. “Mom’s… she’s been having this dizzy spells. He’s really worried.”

Felix can’t stop himself from rolling his eyes this time. “Aunt Emilie is the sick one and she’s here.”

“Still… He tries to tell me that it’s nothing.” More like not telling you anything. “But I know he’s worried. He probably needs to be alone. I’m alright Felix really.”

And Felix is really mad now. Why? He doesn’t know. It shouldn’t bother him but it does. The fact that Adrien just never tries to talk to his father. He’s always willing to make excuses for everything and everyone. A single excuse and he turns to mush. And this is the guy he’s always being compared to? 

Or maybe that he can forgive at all. He’s like a blinding sun, the kind that everyone can bask in its glory. Felix cannot stand his light, so natural that he can’t hope to copy it authentically. 

 “Boys, come down! It’s pictures time!”

It’s Aunt Emilie’s idea. Pull a double twin. They don’t say it of course but anyone looking would mistake them for two generations of twins and this is the point really.

When it’s all done his eyes trail his aunt. Her skin is a little bit paler and she stands for shorter periods of times. Something in him curdles like spoilt milk. 

She caresses his hair. “You’ve grown so much.” It’s all flattery and kindness; he’s just as tall as Adrien. “You and Adrien, you should take care of each other.” 

And as much as he avoids Adrien’s light he covets the same light in hers. As much as he hates it, he can’t hate Adrien for it, not fully. How can he when he knows where Adrien gets it from?

When they go back upstairs he tells Adrien to grab a deck of cards. “I’ll teach you a trick.”

“No way! You never teach your tricks to anyone.” 

“I’m only doing it because it’s your birthday and you’re my favorite cousin.”

“I’m your only cousin.” Adrien frowns.

“That automatically makes you my favorite.” He smirks.

He basks in the light of these happy moments, knowing that once he gets home he’ll live under the shadow Adrien always casts and he’ll start hating it all over again.

***

Sometimes Felix feels like he’s preparing for a battle that will never come. He doesn’t know what it will entail. His father is preparing him and there’s no routine that Felix can attach himself to, no pattern that will tell him where it all leads. He doesn’t know what his father is trying to accomplish and he hates it. He hates not knowing things. 

Father is always there for him. He cherishes it. Especially knowing the alternative, he’s very familiar with it from simply knowing Adrein. His father is always there for him and mother. But that doesn’t mean some things don’t hit too close to home. His father is someone who can adore Felix’s whole existence and allow his disappointment and disapproval to seep into every interaction he has with his son.

 He teaches Felix how to speak, how to mince his words and pay attention to politeness. He teaches him how to have a nerve of steel and a clinical eye, how to predict how cruel people will think and act, to always expect such cruelty. 

 He teaches Felix how to tie a tie and to always look presentable, to look for what people would want to look at.

He encourages him to take as many sport classes as humanly possible, sometimes even participating in the act of teaching himself. He teaches Felix how to always, always hit a target.

And each time whenever Felix questions him, he uses Adrien’s name like a whip, worst of all, he talks about mother, don’t disappoint mother and how can Felix come up with an answer for that? For the shame that comes with even the idea o upsetting her?

More importantly-

***

There they’re again, Felix always finds himself in this position, and yet he never learns. His answer to disapproval is lashing out and doubling down. Mother says that father can stop him from getting into mischief; the truth is that he simply gets better at it. Why does he get better at it?

It’s because, most importantly-

Father looks at Felix whose holding a basketball ball. His expression looks quiet irritated, probably because he specifically forbid Felix from making any noises, he is suffering from horrible headaches recently. Felix isn’t afraid of course, he knows father won’t hurt him but something tells him to just run away, because father is planning something. It’s game time again.

Father gives one last glance at Felix and starts walking toward a table.  He picks up a vase that belongs to mother and then lets it go. It shatters on the floor. “Now Felix, why’d you do such a thing? You need to be careful.”

Felix can only stare at him dumbly. “But I- I didn’t break it. You just-”

“Maybe, maybe not. You are always playing basketball, aren’t you? Sometimes even in places you’re not supposed to. Maybe you decided to do it here and accidentally broke it. No one would be surprised if you did. Your mom wouldn’t if I told her. I’d only describe a plausible scenario.”

He stands there, basking in Felix’s dumbfounded expression. Slowly, he smiles, lips stretching to bare his teeth. This kind of smiles are different than the ones he gives mother, or Felix when he’s happy. This one serves a more animalistic function of reminding others of the teeth ready rip into all of their weak spots. The way he looked at Felix almost made him believe that he broke mother’s vase, so much so that he felt a tinge of guilt over it, which is probably the point. It’s something he shares with Uncle Gabriel. They really love their children guilty. Something in that shame pleased them immensely. In another life, they might have made great inquisitors for the church.

 The moment ends when Father just laughs. “And this, is how you lie Felix. You take most of the truth.”

Felix cannot even spare enough energy to be confused. “What about the vase?”

“Oh, don’t think about it. It’s gabby’s gift. She hates it. She’ll be grateful it’s gone.” Felix slowly learns to hate that sincere tone his father has, so genuine (so much like Adrien) that it loops back into mocking. Felix can’t stay enraged though. He’s just grateful

-Most importantly, his father teaches him how to lie.

***

Aunt Emilie gets sicker, until she’s bedridden. But it’s not some mysterious sickness that takes her away. She just… disappears. 

 There’s a search, the police look for every nook and cranny.

Mother worries, she cries herself to sleep.

Father paces around the house like a madman, he seems even more worried. 

The search finally stops. Uncle Gabriel decides to hold a public funeral.

He stays the entire day next to Adrien. If anyone looks at them thoroughly, they would seem like two mannequins, or two mirrors. Felix finds it fascinating actually. Adrien and Felix might be mistaken as twins, they have a whole game of pretending to be each other that would make others think that maybe the two of them are just so similar that it comes easy for them. That’s the thoughts of someone who only looks at them in a superficial manner. The two of them have enough different characteristics that would definitely make them distinguishable. 

And yet…

And yet, at the day of the funeral, they are absolutely similar; two copies. They’re emptied enough that they simply resemble two voids bouncing off of each other.

***

 Father’s death is slow and unexpected at the same time. He just collapses one day and is taken to the hospital the same day. 

 Three weeks later he dies. 

It should be what rattles him to the core but it’s not. 

It’s the conversation they have in the hospital on father’s last day. He speaks to mother, gives her his ‘I love you’s, and everything a dying man should. Then he calls for Felix to enter the room and Felix thinks about how unprepared he is for this goodbye. 

He’s far less prepared for what he actually says. 

 A lot of people come to talk to Felix in father’s funeral; all of them probably wondering about Felix’s dry eyes and vacant stare. He doesn’t look like he’s in mourning. He looks confused; they say. Oh leave him be! Sometimes shock and grief manifest this way, sometimes; others would answer.

They’d all be right.

They’d all be wrong.

The thing is, Felix actually believes his father. He’s not unfamiliar with magic and super powers. Super heroes with powers are a dime a dozen in New York.  So the idea about magic jewelry that can create life out of thin air isn’t so farfetched. 

 It doesn’t mean that the whole thing doesn’t make Felix’s brain crumble into itself.

He looks at the word twin. The word looks back. 

Felix spends the following days in his room, trying to fight the sickness in his mouth.

His mother is an absolute unit. She holds strong, radiating such sweetness and strength it makes you drunk just being around her.  Felix meanwhile, feels his mind cannibalizing itself each time he thinks about his father, his aunt and uncle and Adrien.

God, Adrien. 

 His father is gone now. And with him is the whisper of Adrien’s shadow coming to shame him. 

He feels rage bubble inside of him. He thinks of Adrien and all he can think of is the word twins, twin boys, twin rings that can control them like puppets and he wants to gouge his own eyes.

He doesn’t hate Adrien though. Not completely. Not in the way he sometimes hates his father with a burning, consuming passion; his father who wielded guilt and shame like a weapon so effectively in his game that Felix slowly learnt not to feel it just to stay sane. The shame is still there but now it takes a new form. Instead of measuring against Adrien, he has to measure against some unknown standard and entity that made one human. The game begins again, play your part Felix, maybe if you try hard enough, you’ll convince the world that you aren’t a freak, you’ll convince them to value you in the vague way your father cherished you. The game is on and Felix needs to learn how to play. 

The only good thing, is that some things become clear real fast. It’s no wonder now, that his father always acted like Felix is a china doll, on the verge of breaking. 

He wonders if his father preferred to have ended up with his other twin; the more obedient one; the one that could be shaped into the perfect statue more easily and would be easier to protect.

  It’s the final nail to his sanity.

***

  He visits Adrien on the anniversary of Aunt Emilie’s disappearance. He is determined and on a mission: A ring and a brooch.   

 He doesn’t expect all of his rage to come back the moment he lays eyes on his twin. He isn’t even looking at Adrien. He’s only able to see a silhouette. The same silhouette that was empty on his father’s funeral. All he sees is Adrien standing straight and graceful like a dainty marble statue instead of buckling under the weight of his own existence like Felix is. He tells Felix that his father is overprotective and that’s why he was absent for the funeral and Felix wants to shake him until everything within him spills out and he’s laying there raw. He cannot believe him. Adrien has been playing this game of survival and shame alongside Felix ever since birth. How could you not when you’re a Sentimonster, and he still doesn’t know how to play the game properly. Just like the way he plays chess, his moves are crude. He can’t still lie properly either, Felix bets.

A very silent part of him tells him he’s being unreasonable. He shouldn’t expect anything different. But it’s easier to stay angry at his twin then tell him the truth and let him carry the weight with him. His rage is like a wound that he can’t stop scratching; a pain that is still more preferable than the itch of healing. 

  He leaves the house with one of his wanted objects gained. 

He gives the ring to his mother. It’s not like she can use it. She wants in anyway. It’s now them against the world. The only person whom he knows he cares about more than anything else. 

He wonders when Adrien quietly slipped off the list.

 You and Adrien, you should take care of each other.

***

In the meantime, he researches Sentimonsters obsessively.

 He watches the Alya girl’s ladyblog, looking for any article and video. 

Two butterflys, a pink giant doll, two lollipop men, a blue blob that just eats Paris’s heroes that one time, a ladybug doppelganger that makes his stomach betray him and his breakfast to make a comeback , a giant eye, and a big yellow and black gorilla.

They hunt him. His dreams are filled with colors and bleak. His uncle snaps a finger and he disappears into thin air. Ladybug grabs at his cheeks in search for his amok and his cheeks comes off like he’s made off play dough.

He attaches photos of each and everyone on his wall and promises to never forget. His shame simply transforms into hatred to the world. To Every single human being that makes him question his own worth. 

***

He visits again and has his worst fears confirmed. His uncle has no qualm about killing him in an instant. 

Also he’s hawkmoth.

It’s a secondary thought. 

***

His third visit ever since the revelation is the most vital. 

He takes Adrien’s place and by pure luck is given the perfect opportunity for striking a deal that would guarantee his survival.

Three giant golems join his collection of nightmares. They drag him into the sun as they float down.

***

Duusu has a never ending energy; changes moods faster than Felix can hit a target and has a bell like laugh.

 Felix absolutely adores him.

 The Kwami takes on everything as if it’s his first time in the world of humans and Felix can’t blame him. The poor creature had to tolerate his uncle’s company and for years. That would give everyone brain damage. Duusu is well adjusted, all things considered.

“So,” He cradles the Kwami in his hands, said Kwami munching on almonds. “Which one of them do you think we should create first?”

Duusu takes one look at the wall, decorated with photos of all the Sentimonsters discarded by his uncle or Paris’s heroes and squeals in delight.

***

He looks at Adrien crouched down on his carpet, his face is the face of someone who’s tasting vomit in their mouth.  He punches his own chest as if to punch the air out of himself.

Felix looks at the photo; the one from their birthday with their mothers. Aunt Emilie looks alive, as if she might wink, or frown which is the more likely scenario.

Tell me I did the right thing. Felix doesn’t regret making the deal with Hawkmoth; doesn’t feel shame. Shame is a fatal poison he isn’t willing to take.  But he needs to know that she would approve. Tell me you would think one of us should have it. You always loved us. You’d want us safe from your husband and Paris’s so called heroes.

 Aunt Emilie’s picture doesn’t speak to him but his memory does. Take care of each other. 

He puts a hand on Adrien’s shoulder. They’re tangled together; have been since birth, Conjoined twins in everything but physical aspects. It doesn’t matter if they like it. They’re in this together.