#self-work

Some part of you will whisper, “Why bother doing all of this when they won’t even do a percent of it for me?”

That voice is the ego, trying to rob you of your power. Trying to make you think that doing any of this is a bother rather than a privilege. Get over yourself. You are nothing short of heroic and that means cultivating the heart of a hero.

If you have committed to internal work; if you have chosen to face all of what happened to you, bit by bit; if you have opted to evolve through processing trauma, triggers, and fear (and the rage hiding the fear), please give yourself patience, compassion, and love. If you are standing on the verge of making this decision, even more reason to give yourself those things. Please know that your capacity for those things will deepen as you go further.

What you are doing is harder than you may appreciate in the moment, but when you look back, you will see. You will know. You will weep with relief and thank the you who, no matter how afraid, chose to invest in the person you are now. Because, as you’ll realize, there is no other who can do this for you. No god, no spirit, no plant can do this for you. You must choose this transformation for yourself.

It is worth it, in the end. I promise.

「Or, “The Importance of Storytelling in Self-Work”」

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Meditation:  It’s a practice almost as regularly recommended as physical exercise.  It’s been a staple of many cultures for thousands of years, and for good reason!  Sitting alone and just focusing on being can make you more mindful, meaning more present, more focused, and more efficient.

Even with all the benefits, however, I have found that what I get out of meditation is less easy to visualize than, say, how fast I can run to NCAR and back, or how many pages I have read in any given week.  When payoff isn’t as immediate, of course, a habit is much more difficult to foster.  How, then, is a progress-obsessed medi-novice like me to wrap his head around this practice?

Well… he could use anime…

It may sound like a joke, but I’m totally serious.  About a year and a half ago, I finally got into my first anime—Hunter X Hunter.  Like most animes, it is quite odd.  It doesn’t shy away from disturbing character art, outlandish creatures, and intensely meticulous world-building.  What surprised me, however, were the valuable lessons that emerged through this unique Japanese storytelling.

The first lesson, apparent from the beginning of the series, is the value of hard work.  Two of the main protagonists, both twelve-years old, though gifted from the outset, also exhibit a ruthless tenacity when pursuing their goals.  In each story arc, they refuse to be discouraged by any failure, instead using it as a status-marker to show them how they must improve.  I have found this alone to be an inspiring reminder to keep moving toward my goals, even when progress seems slow.

Though much of the characters’ improvements include combat experience, the most consistent skill the characters in Hunter X Hunter seek to improve is their Nen, a pervasive life-force that can be manipulated in many ways to your advantage if you are strong enough.  Nen may initially seem like one of those random powers in an imaginary universe—and to some extent it is—but it appears to have deeper roots in the mindfulness that many of us are encouraged to seek in our every day life.

Nen can be most succinctly described as your aura—the life energy that surrounds you wherever you are.  Through focus and meditation, the protagonists of Hunter X Hunter cultivate this aura and use it to execute their own specialized abilities.

Now, I may not use my Nen to shoot lightening at enemies or read other people’s memories, but I can use the concept for my own pursuits.  Watching these two twelve-year-olds sit in introspective being in order to become further in touch with their life-aura inspires me to do the same.  In my case, I can visualize building up Nen each time I meditate to increase my life aura, then use it when I execute the many achievable tasks I set out for myself in any given week (i.e., reading books, writing blogs, producing podcasts, etc.).

When I go to meditate, now, I pretend I am working on my nen—and in a way, I am.  The storyline of this anime, which at first may seem outlandish, has actually taught me a valuable visualization technique—meditation as a cultivation of your life-energy, which exists around everything you do.

I recently started an intimacy journal as a way to work through some of my hang ups with intimacy/sexuality - so, naturally, I came up with some prompts for it, which I have yet to really delve into myself, but I figured I’d go ahead and share the ones I’ve come up with thus far for safe-keeping, and because I think some of you might find them useful, too. 

This particular set focuses on the sexual/romantic aspect of intimacy more so than the general human connection aspect, and it’s very much geared toward art journaling in addition to written journaling.

What is intimacy to you?

Illustrate intimacy.

List some non-sexual acts of intimacy.

Describe your idea of a fulfilling intimate encounter. 

What does sex mean to you?

Illustrate sexuality/eroticism.

Illustrate femininity/yonic energy.

Illustrate masculinity/phallic energy.

List some turn-ons and/or fantasies.

Describe your idea of a fulfilling sexual encounter. 

Illustrate a vagina.

Illustrate a penis. 

Illustrate orgasm. 

What is love to you?

Illustrate love.

Illustrate your and/or an ideal lover.

Illustrate yourself in all your vulnerability.

List some varying acts of love. 

Describe your idea of a fulfilling partnership.

In what ways can you cultivate more intimacy in your life in general and/or relationships in particular? 

Self-care is not a replacement for self-work. The Buddha didn’t teach self-care as a means of liberation from suffering; he taught Awakening. If your self-care routines have been failing you, it’s not because you aren’t doing enough. It’s because self-care doesn’t go far enough. 

Self-Care

Self-care is helpful to smooth out the cuts and bruises of the daily grind. By undertaking self-care routines, you can better tend to your human body and mind. It is helpful to manage stress, balance your energy levels, and promote a sense of feeling at ease. 

Yet if our stresses, our sense of dis-ease, and our suffering are caused by something deeper--namely identity confusion, personal insecurities, and unhealed wounds--then it wont matter how well you care for yourself. You will never be fully free and at ease. 

That is the business of self-work. 

Self-Work

One way to regard dharma practice is as self-work. While self-care is generally pleasant and meant to provide you with elements that nourish you, self-work can be challenging and often unpleasant (at first). 

Finding and noticing your own wounds, false beliefs, fears, insecurities, prejudices, and assumptions can be tough. It can feel like you are being personally attacked, to say the least. If you feel squeamish and like wincing then you are doing it right. 

However, that difficulty is revealed as worthwhile when you begin to disrupt your illusion-driven habits. A moment will come in which you aren’t triggered in your usual way or a strangely familiar loving-yet-sad-emotion arises that allows you to act in a newly kind and brave manner. When such a moment comes, you will realize it is working, that this work matters. These are the cracks in which you feel and live outside the bounds of the ego’s mechanism. It is your first glimpse of truth.

Then self-work becomes something else, something that words fail to fully approach. 

We can talk about illusion because so much of the illusion is made of words. We can’t talk about truth because we cannot use a candle to illuminate the sun. 

Ask yourself what it is you do to carry out both self-care and self-work. Make sure you have a solid balance between the two. By not confusing one with the other, you can better adjust your lifestyle to support your path.

Here’s a graphic for a spread I whipped up last night. Use this to dig into the personal narratives you tell and live out. It can be used to glean insight on your life story as a whole, or particular aspects of/arcs in your story. I used it to take a look at my career path and got crystal clear results, so I felt obliged to share it with ya’ll. Enjoy! 

1) Theme 

The underlying theme or overarching lesson of this narrative.

2) Your Perspective

Your interpretation of the story/scenario. 

3) The Bigger Picture

A more accurate representation of the story/scenario. 

4) Your Role

The character you play; who you are in this story/scenario.

5) Plot Twist

Yeah. I said it.

We’ve all heard the term touted, as if it’s some wholly perfect aspect of the Self we should continuously strive to embody. Meanwhile, the concept of the “Lower Self” seems nearly unheard of; and, at best, generally carries some connotations that tend to deter people from considering its value.

Well, guess what… 

The Lower Self is every bit as important as the Higher Self.

Now, I realize this may not necessarily be unpopular belief, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s not mainstream. If I had a quarter for every time I’ve heard mention of the “Higher Self”, well, let’s just say I’d have a boat load of quarters. Whereas, if I had a quarter for the each time I’ve heard the term “Lower Self” referenced, it’d be a stretch to buy a candy bar at the corner store. 

They both merit adequate acknowledgement and consideration.

I’m not proposing we esteem one over the other, but rather utilize them in proportions that are appropriate to the unique and continuously fluctuating circumstances we find ourselves in, because they each have different, though complementary functions. 

The way I see it, the Higher Self helps you see things from an objective (detached) perspective. It’s like getting a bird’s-eye view of a situation: it allows you to see the bigger picture, which offers the opportunity to strategize. It’s a great perspective, a valuable tool, but without intel, it doesn’t necessarily understand the situation it’s looking down on in all its detail. 

On the other hand, the Lower Self allows you to see things from an subjective (involved) perspective. It gives you an intimate understanding of how things are transpiring on ground level (or beneath it even). It knows what’s going on up close and personal, and by default, dictates what immediate actions are taken. 

The Higher Self infers, organizes, and advises. It is calm, cool, and collected, sometimes aloof even. 

The Lower Self intuits, implements, and relays. It is empathetic, expressive, and visceral, with a tendency toward melodrama.

The Lower Self reacts; the the Higher Self responds. For a smooth operation to ensue, the Lower Self’s reactions should inform the Higher Self’s responses, and the Higher Self’s responses should, in turn, regulate the Lower Self’s reactions.

They work together; they communicate; they’re vital to one another’s functionality. If we rely solely on the consultation of the Higher Self to guide us, we’re omitting a great deal of information that is crucial to navigating and influencing our inner cosmos. Furthermore, I suspect that we can attribute the common feeling of disconnect with the Higher Self to a lack of connection with the Lower Self. 

Anyway, I suppose my only real hang-up with the term “Higher Self” is that it so often seems to be regarded as synonymous with “best self”, and no one part of yourself is your “best self” - all the parts, working together, integrated as a whole - that’s your Self at its best.