Is it ok to say Iām not Ok?
Iām not a blogger type and I donāt really seek help out. But itās been a year since my incredibly sloppy bachelorās graduation -yay Sociology, one of the least employable on the university market- and I still canāt bring myself to get a job proper.Ā
I just canāt seem to look at myself and say I bring to the table anything worth searching for. I havenāt gone out of the house without parents either, even just recently getting properly liscenced and insured, I just donāt have anywhere Iād go. I feel like a parasite on my parents, especially since my 3 other siblings, 2 older and 1 younger, have gone on with a clear pathway from college into at least a workforce.Ā
I feel neglected but also a lot of that is self-caused, I knowĀ I need to get out to somewhere but I feel way too dependent on my living situation and havenāt felt close enough in any of my relationships to really beg for help. Also didnāt help that in all honestly Iām a smug asshole to even my friends and for the few friends that felt in need of closeness themselves, I never felt like I could ever return the sentiment back. Unsurprisingly I donāt feel I deserve what I canāt give, but I donāt believe I can giveĀ what I donāt have (love of course).Ā
I still feel the same helplessness and yet despite my awareness I canāt seem to ever break through. Iāve had therapy for years but faked my way till everyone thought I wasĀ āokā enough to not need it anymore. Now look at me now. A loser who everyone thinks he can sort his own shit out given time, when Iāve felt like I could literally kill myself and no one would know for weeks. I want at least it out there how I felt, but grasping around just feels like every connection is so ethereal
Iāve said Iām ok plenty of times. And every time it was the fattest most blatant lie Iāve ever told. And every time still, it was good enough, since just those words were enough for everyone to move on. Everyone except for me.












